How to Understand People

Co-authored by Mary Church, PhD

Last Updated: February 5, 2024 Approved

At least once in your life someone will do something that makes you say, “Why did they do that? How could they do that? I just don’t understand.” In fact, this will probably happen to you a number of times. You may feel that you just don’t understand people — how they think, the way they act, or their motives or intentions. But understanding people can help reduce conflict and improve your relationships. So take the time to evaluate their personality, keep an open mind, and understand yourself so that you can better understand them.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Evaluating Different Personalities

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1
Recognize different personality types.You will be able to understand people better if you evaluate what type of personality they seem to have.^{[1]
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Research source} Figuring out what type of person they are will help you understand why they say and do certain things.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Mary Church, PhD
Research & Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.}
- It will also help you understand how to interact with them in a way that works for both of you (or to your advantage).
- There are several different theories of personality, many of which have years of research supporting them.^{[3]
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- Listen to what people are telling you and watch their actions and body language to evaluate what type of personality they have.^{[4]
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  Research source} For instance, watch the person you don't understand's body language when you're talking. If his body language suddenly stiffens when you touch on the topic of family, then you can pretty safely assume that is a sensitive topic. Gathering information like this over time can help build a clear outline of that person's personality.
- While personality types can serve as a guideline for understanding people, keep in mind that experiences, situations, and even the person's current mood can all influence how he acts.
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Use the Big Five or OCEAN. This method looks at people's Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.^{[5]
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Research source} By observing whether or not a person has these traits, you may have a sense for how willing someone might be to try something new, work with a group or team, or even start a conflict.
- Determine how open to new experiences and ideas a person is by watching how she responds to change or novel suggestions. Does she welcome the new plan or resist it?
- Observe her habits to see how conscientious, or aware of herself, her goals, and environment she is. Is she detail-oriented and well-organized?
- Pay attention to how she interacts with others to determine how extroverted she is. Does she seem to prefer to work alone? Does she move around talking to everyone in the room?
- Ask open-ended questions to see how agreeable she is like, “What do you think about the new project?”; “How do you feel about our sales goal?”; “What’s your opinion on the lunch menu?”
- Notice neuroticism (how moody, negative, or anxious she is) by listening to and observing her. Does she complain or rant a lot? Is she emotional, unpredictable, and irritable?^{[6]
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Try the Four Ps. This personality system organizes people as either Playful, Peaceful, Powerful, or Precise.^{[7]
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Research source} A lot like the Big Five, using the Four Ps can help you understand how to approach, influence, and react to people.
- Like openness and extroversion from the Big Five, you can see how playful a person is by observing him. Playful people are less organized, more talkative, and creative.
- Notice how a person handles conflict and problem-solving to determine how agreeable he is. Does he frequently mediate conflicts? Is he diplomatic, calm, and even-tempered?
- Determine if the person has a powerful personality and is assertive, goal-oriented, and focused on work. Does his body language suggest confidence, determination, and purpose?
- Look at his attire and surroundings to assess how precise he is. Similar to neuroticism in OCEAN, precise people may need a strict order and routine, with everything in its place.
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Meet people’s needs. Once you recognize the person’s personality type, you may have a better idea of what to say, when to say it, and how to say it.^{[8]
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Research source} You may better understand how to engage the person and respond to her in ways that meet her emotional needs and your goals.
- Playful, extroverted, open people need fun and stimulation. They enjoy talking with and spending time with others. Give them attention and do things to keep their attention.
- Get straight to the point without any small talk with powerful, precise or neurotic people. Be prepared to stand your ground with them or get run over.
- For the disagreeable personality, understand that they may create conflict or reasons why something won’t work. Anticipate their objections by thinking about what you will say in advance.
- Conscientious people need to know how what you are suggesting aligns with their values and goals. Show them the big picture of what you are suggesting.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Keeping an Open Mind

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1
Avoid assumptions. Sometimes people can come across as mean and unfriendly, when they are really shy or just uncomfortable. Instead of assuming what someone is feeling or what his intentions are, explore options for his behavior and try to give him the benefit of the doubt.^{[9]
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- Think to yourself, “Why else could he be acting like this?” You will probably come up with a few alternate explanations.
- For example, if someone is being rude, don’t assume he is just mean. Ask yourself, “Could he be acting this way because he is upset or tired? Maybe he doesn't know how that comment sounded.”
- Ask him about it if you can’t come up with an explanation or to confirm what you are thinking.^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Mary Church, PhD
  Research & Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.}
- You could say, “And why do you say that?” or, “Why’d you decide to do that?” If you can better acquaint yourself with the person's decision making process, it is yet another layer added to his personality concept. Knowing how someone reasons through things tells you a lot about his priorities and assumptions.
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Appreciate differences. It will be much easier to understand people if you don’t expect everyone to think and act like you. Even people with similar personalities have different experiences and backgrounds that shape their opinions and attitudes.^{[11]
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Research source} Learning more about people can help you appreciate their differences and avoid stereotyping them.^{[12]
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- A great way to do this is to expose yourself to different types of people, places, and experiences.
- Watch videos or read books to get a glimpse into how others live. Read articles to explore different belief systems, cultures, and values.
- Talk to people outside of your comfort zone. Strike up a conversation on the elevator. Talk to the person beside you on the bus. Chat online with someone from another background or country.
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Develop empathy. This means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.^{[13]
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Research source} When you can empathize with someone you can understand what she is feeling and her perspective, even if you don’t feel the same or have the same opinion.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Mary Church, PhD
Research & Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.} Some people are naturally empathetic and others aren’t. But it is a skill that can be developed and improved with practice.^{[15]
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- Increase your empathy by making an effort to think about how people might be feeling around you, or about how characters must be feeling in the books you read and movies you watch.
- Try thinking to yourself, “If I were her, how would I feel? Why might she feel that?” It's important not just to put yourself in the person's place, but try and actually imagine yourself as that person.
- For instance, maybe your friend's cat just died. You might think, "If that were me, I would want to be left alone to grieve." But it's not about what you might feel, it's about what your friend might feel. Think about what you know about your friend — maybe she likes to be surrounded by people for support. Instead of wanting to be left alone, the way you might, your friend would probably feel better if you came over with a slice of cake and gave her a big hug.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Understanding Yourself

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Explore your personality. Understanding your personality, even on a basic level, can help you understand how you think and how you understand others.^{[16]
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Research source} For example, knowing that you are more of an open, playful type will help you understand that your colleague isn’t mean; he is just more of a powerful personality type.
- Make a list of adjectives that you feel best describe you. What are some words a person might use to describe you?
- Examine which of the Big Five most seems like you. Do the same with the Four P’s. Use your list to guide you.
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Examine your biases. Sometimes it is hard to understand people because of beliefs and ideas that you have that might not be accurate. Taking a look at your own biases and prejudices can help you to understand people by allowing you to recognize when you might be making assumptions rather than look at facts.^{[17]
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- Stereotyping is when you assume that all people of a group act the same. Prejudice is judging a person before you actually know anything about her.
- Stereotyping and prejudice prevent you from understanding the individual and the group.
- Treat everyone as an individual, with her own habits, likes, dislikes, and opinions.
- When you find yourself explaining someone’s behavior based on your stereotypes or prejudices, stop yourself.
- For example, instead of thinking, he likes country music because he’s from the South, try thinking, “I’ve heard that country music is hot in the South. I wonder what type of music he likes?”
3
Accept not understanding. In some cases, no matter how well you listen or try to empathize, you just can’t understand someone. Sometimes people do things that simply cannot be explained or understood no matter how you look at it. Don’t stress over it, just accept that you can’t understand it.
- For example, you may have tried to understand why your co-worker clips her toenails at her desk. If you can’t come up with reasonable explanations and the person doesn’t give one, then just accept that you don’t understand.

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How do I understand why someone acts the way they do?

Mary Church, PhD
Research & Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Mary Church is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Honolulu, Hawaii. With over a decade of clinical experience, she aims to integrate evolution, genetics, and neuroscience within the practice of psychotherapy. Dr. Church holds a BS in Psychology from Eckerd College and an MS and PhD in Experimental Psychology from The University of Memphis. She completed a Post-Doctorate in Clinical Psychology at The University of Hawaii at Manoa. In addition, Dr. Church is a member of the American Evaluation Association and Hawaii-Pacific Evaluation Association.

Mary Church, PhD

Research & Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try to look at things from their perspective and try to empathize with where they're coming from.

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