How to Be Loved

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Co-authored by Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: June 17, 2024 Fact Checked

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all i want is to be loved

1

Develop your self-esteem.

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This helps you love yourself first. Cultivate your self-esteem by practicing positive self-talk.^{[1]
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Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist

Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} Anytime you catch yourself being down on yourself, replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. You might also try taking good care of yourself by getting good sleep, eating healthy, and getting active. When in doubt, remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect to be loved and have faith in yourself.^{[2]
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- Next time you think something like "I'm so stupid" or "I look terrible" replace those thoughts with something positive.
- Try, "I made a mistake that I can learn from now. I'm a smart and capable person" or "I'm beautiful on the inside and out."

2

Feed your passions.

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Love what makes you happy and meet like-minded people along the way. Evaluate what activities you love with all of your heart, like making music or playing sports. Throw yourself into those interests by practicing regularly, attending related community events, and joining a local team or club. Taking time for your passions will help you find love within yourself, and that self-love will only make you more attractive and interesting to potential friends and lovers.^{[3]
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- Pursuing your interests also helps lead you to like-minded people who enjoy the same things. These new connections can lead to romantic love or an equally fulfilling platonic relationship.

3

Show people your authentic self.

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To be loved, you have to be vulnerable. When you meet new people, be yourself and resist the urge to pretend to be someone you're not. Though it can be tough, try your best to be comfortable with yourself, your interests, and even your quirks. People admire and love those who own who they are and aren't afraid to flaunt what makes them unique.^{[4]
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- Being yourself can be hard at first. If you're still figuring out who you are, that's totally okay! Keep pursuing what makes you happy, avoid the urge to compare yourself to other people, and embrace what makes you unique.

4

Listen to what people have to say.

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This is a way to show people that you really care about their perspective. When someone is speaking to you, put your phone away, make eye contact, and focus your attention on their words. After they're done speaking, rephrase what they said to make sure you understood them correctly. Being an attentive listener will strengthen your relationships and make people love talking to you.^{[5]
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- Avoid listening to people just to think of your response. Instead, take a moment after the person is done speaking to think of what you'll say next.

5

Communicate honestly with others.

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Tell people how you really feel, good and bad. Open up to people about how much you care about them. When you run into conflict with someone, be open about that, too. Broach the subject in a calm, respectful manner and use "I" statements that communicate your feelings without making the person feel defensive. Your genuine, thoughtful words will help you cultivate loving friendships and relationships.^{[6]
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- It can feel pretty vulnerable to tell someone how much you appreciate them. Try something simple like, "You're the funniest person I've ever met" or "You always make me smile."
- An example of an "I" statement would be, "I feel a little hurt when you text while I'm talking. I know you don't mean anything by it, but it'd make me feel better if we didn't text while we talked to each other."
- Part of cultivating loving, healthy relationships is getting through conflict together. When in doubt, try to empathize with the other person's perspective and come up with a solution that you both feel good about.

6

Be kind to other people.

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Cultivate love in your life by being loving and showing affection to others. Smile at other people and make friendly conversation with strangers. Do nice things for your friends and family, like giving them rides to work or listening when they need someone to talk to. Practice patience if you find yourself getting frustrated with someone and try to see their perspective if you don't get along. Your kindness will make people drawn to and appreciate you.^{[7]
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Mental Health Foundation
UK charity working towards good mental health for all.

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- If a friend of yours mentions that they had a bad day, see if there's anything you can do to help. You might say, "I'm sorry you're upset. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
- Other things you can do to be nice to new people include saying hello, complimenting them, and asking them how their day is going.

7

Spend time with your friends and family.

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Invest in the love you have in your life already. Spend time with your friends and family by making regular plans and catching up often. If you'd like to make new friends, put yourself out there by joining local clubs, attending community events, and taking classes in subjects related to your interests. Strong relationships with your friends and family provide an immense amount of love in your life and can help you get more comfortable accepting the love of others.^{[8]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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- If you live close to your family, see if they'd like to make dinner together a few times a month. If they live out of town, try calling and catching up over the phone.
- If you have a contentious relationship with your family, it's okay to need some space. You might try investing more time in your friendships or seeking out new friendships with people in your community instead.
- You might try getting coffee or going for a walk with a friend a few times a week.
- Be open to new friendships. If an interesting coworker asks if you'd like to hang out after work, try accepting the invitation.

8

Make new connections in your community.

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Getting involved in the community can help you be loved by many. To find a community that's right for you, get involved in a cause that you're passionate about, sign up to volunteer at a local community event (you might try a local music festival or social justice outreach event), or even join a church or spiritual group in your area. If you're not sure there are opportunities in your area, try getting involved in an online community related to your interests.^{[9]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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- Social media can be a great place to find a community. Look up accounts related to your interests, like art, music, or pop culture, and reach out to people with like-minded passions.
- By working together with others in a community, you'll foster loving relationships with others who share similar goals and values.

9

Seek out healthy romantic relationships.

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Everyone deserves a loving relationship if they want one. If you'd like to be loved by a romantic partner, try putting yourself out there and dating new people. Download dating apps, make conversation with interesting strangers, and ask people out when you feel a connection. As you get to know people, make sure they make you feel encouraged, confident, and secure around you. That's a good sign that you're developing a healthy, loving connection.^{[10]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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- If dating apps aren't your style, you can meet potential romantic partners anywhere. Try making conversations with people at the supermarket, community events, and bars.
- If you start seeing someone, cultivate a loving relationship with them by making time for each other, practicing open communication, and maintaining your outside interests and friendships.
- Dating has its ups and downs for everyone. If you experience rejection, remind yourself that everyone does at some point. Always remember that you're worthy of love and keep being yourself. The right person will love you for you.
EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Keep an open mind as you get to know someone. Don't make a final decision on someone based on a curated online profile or a brief first impression at a party. Give people a chance—a true connection thrives on shared values, and can ignite at any time.

10

Let go of your past to move forward.

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You might struggle to be loved because of past relationships. Practice self-compassion by evaluating your past choices, contemplating what changes you want to make going forward, and letting the past go so that you can work towards a more positive future. Learning from your experiences can help you seek more fulfilling relationships, whether they be loving friendships or romantic relationships.^{[11]
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- Perhaps you've only had partners that treated you poorly. Remember that everyone deserves a kind, loving partner. Try evaluating what dynamics you didn't like about your past relationships to figure out what you're looking for in a future relationship.
- If you're past partner was dismissive of your goals and ambitions, for example, focus your attention on people who build you up and make you feel good about your big dreams.

11

Talk to a mental health professional if you're still struggling.

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Sometimes, past wounds prevent you from feeling like you can be loved. It's very common to struggle with this, especially if you have a history of difficult or troubled relationships with friends, family, and lovers. To get the help you need, look online for a mental health professional in your area or get a referral from your doctor. They can give you the tools you need to see yourself as worthy of love (and you definitely are!).^{[12]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

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- A mental health professional may work with you to explore your past relationships and how they may have affected your self-image and the relationships you seek now.
- Seeking help from a mental health professional is not only totally normal, it's a healthy, brave act of self-love. Try your best not to feel any shame about seeking counseling.

How Can You Be The Love You Seek?

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Question

How can I make everyone stop hating me and letting me down?

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If the people in your life are hating you and letting you down, you have the wrong kind of people in your life. Make new friends, cut yourself off from toxic family members if you must, and only associate with people who are kind and supportive.

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What if someone wants to be in a relationship with me, but doesn't like my lifestyle?

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Then that someone doesn't really want to be in a relationship with you, the person wants to be in a relationship with a fantasy image of you. Your lifestyle is a big part of who you are, and if the person in question can't accept that, then it's not the right relationship for you. While compromise is a part of any good relationship, people shouldn't change who they are, what they enjoy or how they live to suit a potential partner.

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How do I show I want to be loved when wearing glasses?

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It doesn't matter whether you're wearing glasses or not. If you have feelings for someone, be direct and tell them that. Ask them if they feel the same way.

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Tips

When in doubt, treat people like how you want others to treat you. This method can work wonders in bringing more love to your life.

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Work on building confidence within yourself. If you are confident in yourself, you couldn't be more attractive, as a friend or as a lover.

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Warnings

As important as it is to be loved, remember that another person can't be your main source of happiness. That ultimately has to come from within.

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Heartbreak can be a devastating experience, but remember that you are worthy of love no matter what. Prioritize yourself, spend time with friends and family, and remember that you'll get more chances at love.

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