What Is the Three Loves Theory?

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From star-crossed passion to deep and abiding commitment, this theory spans a lifetime of love

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and Dev Murphy, MA

Last Updated: October 4, 2024 Fact Checked

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• What is the 3 Loves Theory?
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• What are the 3 loves?
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• Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
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• Q&A

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The 3 Loves Theory is making the internet rounds right now, and it’s easy to understand why: the theory unites sparks-flying, Notebook-level true love with sage practicality, rendering it appealing to die-hard romantics and down-to-earth skeptics alike. But what is this theory, where does it come from, and does it hold water? We can’t answer that last question for you, but we can help you out with the first two. Keep reading for an in-depth guide to the 3 Loves Theory, below.

Things You Should Know

• According to the 3 Loves Theory, we all experience 3 big loves in life, with the final love being the healthiest and most successful.
• The first love is lust and is founded primarily on sexual attraction, and the second love is intimacy and is founded on compatibility (as well as sexual attraction).
• The third love is commitment, and it involves lust and intimacy as well as the decision to commit to one another through life’s ups and downs.

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Section 1 of 3:

What is the 3 Loves Theory?

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1. The 3 Loves Theory says that we all have 3 big loves in life. This theory is inspired by the work of anthropologist Helen Fisher, who determined that a healthy relationship follows 3 basic stages: lust, intimacy, and finally, commitment. Her observations were used as the basis of the 3 Loves Theory, which hypothesizes that, on average, we experience 3 great loves in life, each one healthier than the last, as we grow and learn what we want and need in a relationship.

   • It's not totally clear who came up with the 3 Loves Theory, though they apparently drew from Fisher’s work.
   • Fisher’s work is similar to Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, which says that a healthy relationship contains 3 main components: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
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Section 2 of 3:

What are the 3 loves?

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1. 1
   First love: Lust The first love in the 3 Loves Theory is what is sometimes called puppy love. It’s intense and all-consuming, and usually occurs when we’re young and extremely impressionable and inexperienced and our hormones are going wild. Like a firework, it’s often bright, shiny, and fiery, but ultimately short-lived, since it pretty much operates solely on lizard-brain horniness.

   • The entryway into love is often sexual attraction, but sexual attraction alone does not a relationship make.
   • This first love usually ends as both partners gradually learn more about themselves and each other as people and realize their passion doesn’t necessarily translate into compatibility.
2. 2
   Second love: Intimacy After your firework-y first love, you're a little older, a little wiser, and you know yourself well enough now to know you need more than just a good romp in the hay to keep a relationship going strong. The second love may begin with sexual attraction, just like the first, but it's about more than just sex: you and your partner really vibe with one another. However, the second relationship usually doesn't last either, because although you and your partner have real, authentic intimacy and are so close you even finish each other's sentences, your relationship lacks long-term commitment.

   • Your attachment to your second love is usually greater than to your first love (according to the theory) because the second love is built on more than just lust—you and your partner have a lot in common and just enjoy being together.
   • But this love is still founded primarily on “newness,” which doesn’t last. As you and your partner become bored with one another, the passion is likely to die, and the relationship will end.
   • Second love doesn’t account for the way people grow and change, and so if you and your partner begin to grow in opposite directions, or if your relationship is affected by a major upheaval, like a job loss or illness, compatibility alone is unlikely to be enough to save it.
3. 3
   Third love: Commitment The third love is about more than just sex and compatibility: it's about deep and abiding commitment to one another—both now and in the future. In your second love, you and your partner may be committed to one another for the present, but the third love exists beyond just the immediate moment. The third love is wise and knows life will throw curveballs at you both, and that true love is based on more than just “vibing”—it’s based on intentionality, a decision to love one another.

   • It’s in the third love that you might think more seriously about buying a house together and starting a family.
   • Couples in their second love may also consider settling down together, but since their relationship is primarily passion-based and "now"-focused, their commitment to one another and their life together is likely to be weaker.
   • Third love couples may reach a level of attachment where they view their partner as an extension of themselves, so much so that their heartbeats may even line up over time due to how physically and emotionally close they are!
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Section 3 of 3:

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

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1. According to Sternberg’s theory, there are 3 main components of love. Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love is different from the 3 Loves Theory because his theory pertains to just one individual love (rather than 3 loves spanning a lifetime). He argues that a healthy and complete love needs 3 integral components: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment.

   • Sternberg's theory is sometimes confused with the 3 Loves Theory, but his triangle is actually a pretty good guide for what the third love in the 3 Loves Theory looks like: it involves sexual attraction and compatibility, but it survives on the commitment to love one another over the feeling of being in love.

Community Q&A

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• Question

  What if your 3rd love whom you were married to for 25 years leaves you for a mistress? Is that just it for you?

  

  Community Answer

  The three-loves theory doesn't mean you simply count three loves. It refers to three stages in your love life. It sounds like your husband of 25 years was not your third love. In theory, anyway, your third love is still out there somewhere probably looking for you.

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