What Are You Looking for in a Relationship? 10 Tips to Find Out

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Practical steps for learning what you want from love and romance

Co-authored by Luis Congdon and Dev Murphy, MA

Last Updated: August 26, 2024 Fact Checked

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Knowing exactly what you want out of a relationship is very difficult, especially if you're young or inexperienced. Even if you've dated many other people, every relationship is unique, and your priorities might be different now from how they were in the past. Finding out what you want in a relationship can be a laborious process, but it's worth it to find the right partner for you. We’ve compiled a list of the best ways to go about figuring out your expectations from a relationship, with advice from relationship coach Luis Congdon.

How do I know what I’m looking for in a relationship?

Write out a list of non-negotiables to narrow it down.
Reflect on your values, and look for someone with similar values.
Observe the relationships around you to decide what you do and don’t want.
What traits do you like in your friends? You’ll probably want them in a partner.
Try to love yourself first: a partner should complement you, not complete you.

1

Develop a list of non-negotiables.

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Start by identifying what you don’t want. Figuring out what you want can be tricky, but it can often be easier to figure out what you don’t want in a relationship. Sit down and put together a list of criteria that would disqualify a potential match first.
- You’ll probably have to compromise on some desired qualities, but knowing which ones you can and can’t do without is essential.
- “When you have two partners that really see differently, the question is not so much 'will they reach some kind of conclusion where one person wins [and] the other person just kind of gives the other person what they want,'” Congdon says.^{[1]
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  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- “What's more interesting,” continues Congdon, “is what their process looks like, and can they reach something that makes them both feel like they're winning.”^{[2]
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  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- Research shows that common deal-breakers for those interested in long-term relationships include anger issues, infidelity, lack of trust, drug or alcohol issues, poor hygiene, unhealthy lifestyles, and a lack of attention and care given to a partner.^{[3]
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2

Identify your core values.

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Think of your personal values as a roadmap to the life you want. It’s unlikely that a romantic partner will share all the same values as you. However, it’s important for you to know what yours are so that you can know which principles and beliefs you are not willing to compromise.^{[4]
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- For example, if you think honesty is really important, you are unlikely to mesh well with a partner who lies, and it’s likely to cause a rift in the relationship if your partner expects you to lie.
- Find out your core values by answering these questions and looking for recurring themes:
  - If you could change something about the community you live in, what would it be? Why?
  - Who are the two people you respect or admire the most? What traits do you admire about these people?
  - If your home caught on fire and all the living beings were safely out, what three items would you choose to rescue? Why?
  - Which moment in your life made you feel very satisfied? What happened to make you feel that way?

3

Reflect on failed relationships.

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Considering the past can help guide you into the future. Think back on relationships you have had in the past—whether romantic, platonic, or familial. For those relationships that ended badly, consider the factors that contributed to the relationship dissolving. What about those relationships left you dissatisfied or unhappy?^{[5]
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- Write down any negative patterns you can uncover from your relationships with past lovers, friends, or family members that did not fulfill you. Consider these problem areas as a foundation for what you don’t want in the future.

4

Use the relationships around you as models.

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Others’ relationships can be sources of inspiration. Even if you don’t have much dating experience yourself, you’ve probably witnessed the relationships of people around you, like friends, siblings, or parents. Consider the red flags and green flags in these relationships to help figure out what you’re looking for in your own love life.^{[6]
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- For example, maybe your sister was devastated after her boyfriend cheated. You helping her through this time made you aware of how important it is to be faithful in a relationship.
- On the other hand, maybe you see that your parents make time for weekly date nights and it seems to foster intimacy. You might add “regular quality time” to your list of needs.
- Realize every couple struggles and that even healthy relationships end sometimes. Suffering in a relationship isn't a sign of the relationship's health; rather, it's how the individuals in the relationship handle hardship.

5

Ask yourself what you value in platonic relationships.

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Your platonic and familial relationships can serve as a guide. “Take a look at…some of the people that you love being the most around,” Congdon says. “[The] characteristics of all those relationships are probably what you're looking for in a serious relationship.”^{[7]
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Expert Source

Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.} What makes you love being around your best friend or your siblings? You’re probably looking for similar qualities in your romantic partner.
- Maybe you love how honest and open one friend is, even when the truth is uncomfortable. Or maybe you appreciate how sweet and gentle another friend is.
- Maybe your brother is the funniest person you know, and a sense of humor is something you’re looking for in a romantic partner, too.
- “Really, the main difference between your close friend and partner is you're going to spend more time together, and you're going to share a lot more together,” Congdon says. “[N]o matter how much you love [your friends], they come and go in their own ways.”^{[8]
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  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- Alternatively, maybe there are people you don’t get along with well, like certain coworkers or family members. What is it about these people you don’t appreciate? You can consider these traits red flags in your romantic relationships.

6

Focus on loving yourself.

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Many people search for a romantic partner to complete them. While you don’t need to be perfect to find true love (which is good, because nobody is!), work on feeling whole on your own. Think of your soulmate as someone who complements you rather than as someone who completes you.^{[9]
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Research source} Show love to yourself by:
- Creating a list of your favorite qualities about yourself (e.g. friendliness, your smile, etc.)
- Speaking to yourself in a gentle, loving way as you would a friend
- Becoming aware of your inner needs and desires and living in accordance with them
- Caring for your body
- Managing stress
- Avoiding the tendency to dwell in the past—live in the now
EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Focus on your own personal growth before entering a relationship. Being personally fulfilled and having a strong sense of self sets you up for a healthier partnership. A partner should complement your life, but you shouldn't need them to complete it.

7

Be the person you want to date.

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Embody the traits you yourself are looking for. This method allows you to check whether your expectations are realistic, and it also gives you a chance to assess what you are willing to give in a relationship.^{[10]
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Research source} It’s unreasonable to have a list of demands without making any changes on your own. But embodying the traits you desire may help you attract someone like you.
- For example, if physical health and well-being are important qualities you are looking for in a partner, strive to spend a month focusing wholeheartedly on your own health—eat well, exercise, fight stress, and get sleep. Keep up the good habits after the month ends.

8

Try dating with no strings attached.

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Casual dating is a good way to help identify your expectations. You can make lists and look at your past relationships for signposts, but the very best way to figure out what you want in a relationship is to start dating casually. Go out for coffee, ice cream, or drinks with a few people who seem to meet your standards.
- Know your limitations before you step into this domain, however. You may not want to become physically intimate with several people at the same time, for example.
- "Casual dating" means different things to different people, so make sure you and anyone you date are on the same page to prevent hurt feelings.^{[11]
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  Research source} Consider setting a timeline for when you should stop seeing someone if you don’t feel a natural connection.
- If things start to feel serious with someone, or you start feeling more attracted to one person over another, cut ties with everyone else and follow your instinct.

9

Visualize your relationship after the honeymoon phase.

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You won't always see your partner through rose-colored glasses. Everything the other person says or does is absolutely charming. In time, the perfect aura around this person starts to fade. Prepare yourself for this eventuality and start looking beyond the crazy-in-love phase to how things will be in several months or years.
- “There's definitely a level of gut feeling,” Congdon says. “And I also think there's some questions that we can ask ourselves: Does this person make you happy? Does this person push you to grow?...Do you see yourself building a life with this person?”^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}
- Consider whether the seemingly small things that annoy you about your partner will be magnified as the rose-colored glasses come off. Return to your list and make sure that you haven’t been overlooking any important values or qualities due to being head-over-heels.
- For example, if cleanliness was important for you at the onset, are you going to be able to ignore how your girlfriend piles dishes in the sink for days on end?
- Before you break up with the person for any perceived slight, consider that you are bound to dislike some small quirk of your partner. Just make sure you aren’t overlooking any non-negotiables.

10

Communicate expectations with your partner.

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Make sure you and any partner you date are on the same page. “If we don’t talk about it,” Congdon says, “we don’t fully know what page that person’s on.”^{[13]
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Expert Source

Luis Congdon
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.} If you come to find that you and your partner are quite compatible—sharing similar values, goals, interests, and outlooks on life—then it may be time to have a candid talk about where you stand.^{[14]
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- Be straightforward about your feelings. If your partner is not interested in a long-term relationship, it’s better to know that early on. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can change their mind one way or another.
- You might say, “I have really enjoyed getting to know you over the past few months. I wanted to see how you felt about our connection and where we stand?”
- “Does the person reciprocate? If they don't, then they're probably not on the same page,” Congdon says. “And then, you have a choice to make: do you want to keep dating them and wait around, or do you not?”^{[15]
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  Expert Source
  
  Luis Congdon
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2021.}

How Do You Find Out What You Want In a Relationship?

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My girlfriend asked me what I want in our relationship and where I see us in five months time. I couldn't answer her because we have issues. What do I do?

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Ask her the same question and tell her you value her opinion. Add that you hope your relationship is stronger by then, and that you'd like to work on your issues together with open and honest communication. Tell her anything else you deem important related to the specifics of your situation.

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What do I say to my significant other if I can't come up with a reason why we're in a relationship?

Suzettemarie Suzanne

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You should be able to come up with a reason, or you wouldn't be together. Are you afraid of getting hurt or hurting them? If you really can't think of an answer, you could say "there are so many reasons I can't name them all". If you want to stay in the relationship, I'm sure if you think about it and you'll come up with one. Ask yourself what you like about the person and the reasons you enjoy spending time with them.

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Why am I so picky with people?

Vicki The Awesome

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That’s normal. It’s normal to know what you want. However, you should give people a chance. You never know who will make a perfect partner.

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