How to Make a Relationship Last

Co-authored by Patti Novak Williams

Last Updated: June 21, 2024 Approved

Starting a relationship is always fun and exciting, but making a relationship last is hard work. Once you’ve gotten settled in your relationship, you have to maintain an honest flow of communication and to continue to cherish your time with your loved one. Making a relationship last isn’t always fun, but the benefits of maintaining a long-term and committed relationship far outweigh the difficulties that you may face. If you want to know how to make your relationship last, just follow these tips.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Making Time for Each Other

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1
Make time for romance. Though “date night” may sound forced, you and your special someone should aim to have a date night at least once a week, if not more often. You don’t have to call it “date night” if that sounds too cheesy, but you should make a goal to spend some quality time together without anyone else around at least one night a week.^{[1]
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- You can do this same thing during date night, such as cooking dinner together and then going to the movies, or spice it up and do something new every time. If you’re staying in, maintain a romantic atmosphere by lighting some candles and playing some soft music.^{[2]
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- Whatever you do, make sure you have time to really talk during your special time together. You won’t be able to talk much if you’re just going to a loud concert together.
- Learn to say no to others during “date night.” Your girlfriends may be begging you to come out to the bars, but if you’ve scheduled a date night, tell them you can’t make it and make plans for next week. Things will break down if “date night” is the thing you’re always willing to give up.
- You should always look nice, tell each other how much you love each other, and compliment each other throughout the night.
2
Make love at least once a week. You don’t have to plug this into your calendar, and hopefully you won’t have to, but you should make a conscious effort to make love at least one a week, no matter how tired you feel after work, or how much you have going on that week.^{[3]
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- Making love is a way to maintain your intimacy and to grow closer to your partner.
- You should also spend some time just cuddling and kissing each other, so you don’t feel like you’re just checking “sex” off of your to-do list.
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3
Make time to talk. Though your schedules may get crazy, you need to make a concerted effort to talk to each other every day, no matter how much work you have to do. You can set aside time to talk during dinner, or to talk over the phone if your loved one is away.^{[4]
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- Make a habit of knowing what your loved one’s day was like. Though you don’t have to bore each other with every little detail of your lives, you should become comfortable with each other’s routines.
- If you’re spending a week apart, set aside at least fifteen minutes a day to catch up and to remind your loved one how much you love and miss him.
- When you do talk, there should be no distractions. You’re not really talking if you’re also watching the game or checking your phones.
EXPERT TIP

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Be honest with yourself about what's taking up your time. Then, consider how you can adjust your schedule to make time for your relationship. For instance, think of ways to adjust certain hobbies and activities, or schedule in time to do these things together while chatting.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Maintaining Strong Communication

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1
Be honest with each other. Honesty is the key to any long-lasting relationship.^{[5]
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Research source} To keep your relationship strong, you should be able to be open and honest with your special someone.^{[6]
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Research source} You should be able to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings with your loved one, or you’re not really communicating.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.}
- Don’t be afraid to tell your loved one if they disappointed you. Being honest about your feelings will help you work through the problem, and is far better than being passive aggressive if you’re upset about something.
- Share your feelings with your loved one. If you’re really upset about something that happened at work or something your mother said, then don’t keep it all inside.
- Know when not to say something. Though honesty is almost always the best policy, you don’t have to share every little feeling with your loved one. For example, if you don’t like his new shirt or think one of his new friends is kind of annoying, you may want to keep it to yourself.
- Time your honesty. If you want to open up about something important, make sure you do it when your loved one has time to talk and is relatively unstressed. Your news will be better received if he has time to listen.
2
Learn to compromise. In any strong relationship, being happy should be more important than being right.^{[8]
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Research source} If you want your relationship to last, then you should learn how to make decisions with your loved one, and to find a way for both of you to be happy with the decisions, or to take turns giving in to each other. Here’s how to do it:^{[9]
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- When you’re making a decision, have your loved one rate how important it is to him on a scale of 1 to 10, and then state how important it is to you. Then talk about why it’s so important to both of you, and what you can do to make it matter less.
- Be thoughtful. When the two of you are making a decision, take the time to discuss the pros and cons and what you can do to meet halfway.^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Patti Novak Williams
  Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.}
- Take turns giving in on small decisions. If you picked the restaurant for date night, let your girl pick the movie.
- Make sure both people are compromising. It’s not a compromise if your girl is always giving in to what you want in the end because you’re more persistent.
3
Learn to say you’re sorry. This is an important point. If you want to be in a long-lasting relationship, then you absolutely have to learn how to say you’re sorry from time to time.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.} When it comes to a relationship, admitting you’re sorry is much more important than being stubborn.^{[12]
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- Learn to apologize if you’ve done something wrong. It may take you some time to realize that you made a mistake, but once you do, say that you’re sorry for what you’ve done.
- Make sure you mean it. Be sincere and make eye contact. It won’t mean anything if you’re just saying you’re sorry because you have to.
- Learn to accept your loved one’s apology. If he truly means it, then you should stop sticking to your guns, accept the apology, and move on.
4
Tell your loved one how much he means to you. Don’t ever forget to say “I love you” and take your feelings for granted. You should tell your loved one that you love him every single day—multiple times a day, if you can. Remember that there’s a difference between “love you” and “I love you”—you should really mean it when you say it.^{[13]
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- Always compliment your loved one. Tell her how great she looks in her new dress or how much you love her smile.
- Always thank your loved one. Don’t take his/her favors and kind actions for granted.
- Always tell your loved one how special he/she is. Don’t ever forget to make him feel unique.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Keeping Moving Forward

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1
Find new interests to pursue together. A relationship is like a shark—if it doesn’t move forward, it dies. You should find ways of keeping your relationship fresh so your love doesn’t become just a part of your routine. One way of doing this is to find new interests that you can pursue together, so you have something to be excited about as well as a shared passion.
- Take a weekly dance class together. This will give you some great exercise and will increase your passion for each other.
- Find a new hobby together. Try taking a painting or ceramics class, or find a new love for sailing.
- Take a class together. Try learning a new language or taking a history class together.
- Train for a race together. This is a great way to get closer, whether you’re training for a 5K or a marathon.
- Do anything out of your comfort zones. Try hiking, mountain biking, or even ice skating. Doing something completely unfamiliar will bring you closer together.
EXPERT TIP

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over 12 years of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self-esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York, and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Opposites may attract initially, but can face unique challenges. The adage about complementary opposites holds insight; differences draw interest, while similarities cement bonds. Contrasting personality strengths can mutually fill gaps, making partners feel well-rounded and complete. But without work to bridge divisions, communication gaps or misalignments in lifestyle may emerge over time. Addressing differences with empathy and compromise enables a couple to celebrate each person’s unique value.
2
Keep it fresh in the bedroom. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, then you have to maintain a healthy sex life. Though your lovemaking may not be what it was in the beginning after five years together, you should still try new things in the bedroom so you’re still excited about making love with your partner and that everything you do still feels like an adventure.
- Make love in new positions. Don’t do the same old thing you’ve been doing, even if it works. You can even look up new positions together, which will be great for foreplay.
- Make love in new places. Don’t always go for the bedroom—try the couch, the kitchen table, or even check in to a hotel in the middle of the day.
- Try going to a sex store to pick up some kinky items to bring into bed.
3
Take trip to a new place together. Though a vacation isn’t a good long-term solution to any relationship problems, taking a trip together can help take you out of your same old perspective and appreciate your love in a new way. Plus, planning a trip together will give you something new to look forward to.
- Plan the trip you’ve always wanted to take. If you’ve both been talking about going to Paris together for the last seven years and you have the funds for it, it’s time to make your dreams a reality.
- Take a short day trip. Even driving an hour out to spend a day in the woods or the beach can make your relationship feel fresher.
- Take a second honeymoon. If you’re already married and had a honeymoon, take another honeymoon to commemorate your love.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Making Tolerance Second Nature

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Chances are that along with chemistry, you met your partner at a time that was conducive to your union. You may have been young with a strong sex drive, on a holiday, or shared a strong emotional experience together. This is an example of a positive contextual influence that improved your relationship.
Accept the fact that negative contextual influences are unavoidable. When a person goes through a stressful period, a period of ill health, professional failure, or has other sources of anxiety then he or she could act in a way that is not consistent with the behavior of the person you know and love.
If your partner is unsympathetic with you in a testing time, such as just following labor, being fired at work, or after a death in the family, then consider that it maybe not be him or her, but the situation that produces those words. Treat contextual influences like the weather. There is nothing you can do about them, other than to tolerate them.
Forget and forgive a person's behavior in difficult times. The human mind naturally favors negative experiences over positive ones. Grudges for what your partner said carelessly add up over time, and are a sure way of making a relationship sour. Differentiating contextual behavior from personal behavior is an art that can help create healthy, lifelong relationships.

How Can I Be an Adult In a Relationship?

Become a Better Lover with this Expert Series

Ready to become the best lover you can be? We've put together this expert series to help you spice things up in the bedroom and foster romance in your relationship.

1

Become a Better Lover

2

Spice Things Up in the Bedroom

3

Make Love Last

4

11 Ways to Make a Woman Feel Loved and Secure

5

Be a Better Boyfriend

6

How to Become a More Romantic Man

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What if I tell my partner something personal, and then several months later we have a disagreement and he brings it up in a negative way? What can I do if he does this repeatedly?

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Tell him, in the moment, how much that hurts your feelings. Say something like, "I told that to you in confidence because I wanted your support and now you're trying to make me feel bad about it. It really hurts to know I can't trust you with this information." If he continues to do it, he's intentionally manipulating you and you should leave him.

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I have a girlfriend, but it seems that she has quickly grown bored with talking and texting. What should I do?

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Make plans to hang out in person. Ask her out on a proper date and take her somewhere nice. Show up with flowers. During the date, ask her about herself to keep the conversation going, and make sure to compliment her on how she looks.

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What should I do if I found out that my boyfriend wants to date my friend?

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Unless you want to have an open relationship in which he is permitted to date your friend, you should probably just break up with him.

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Tips

Give one another space.^{[14]
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Research source} Spending every hour of your day with them is very tempting, especially during the early days. But spending time away from them, whether with your family or friends can make moments you share with your partner more special.

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Communication is the key.^{[15]
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Research source} Talk to your partner every day, ask them how their day is, is anything wrong, how do you feel. Asking questions like those tell your partner that you care about them.

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Be loyal. Loyalty is an important trait in a person. Be loyal to your partner and be open in everything you do. Hiding things behind their back won't work at all.

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Sometimes your partner may be stressed or in bad mood and at that time if they shout at you or say something which hurts you. Try to ignore it rather than building up a new topic to fight.. Make them comfortable and relax in that situation so that they will calm down easily.

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Warnings

Never try to make your partner jealous, they will dump you if they think you don't like them anymore and you're interested in another person.

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Careful: These steps are not guaranteed; nothing about relating to others long-term ever is. Most people, though, will agree that these steps are the basic truths in a relationship.

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