How to Become More Patient with Children

Co-authored by Wits End Parenting and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: June 21, 2024 References

Do you ever wish you knew how to be more patient with kids? If you're like most parents, the thought probably crosses your mind a few dozen times a day. The good news is that while no one is perfect and calm all the time, you're already taking the first step by reading this article! If you're ready to develop these skills, keep reading for practical suggestions.

Things You Should Know

Practice ways to calm yourself when you start to lose patience. Take deep breaths, relax your muscles, or get some alone time.
Work on effective communication with your kids and define expectations and boundaries to help prevent frustration and impatience.
Focus on what triggers your impatience and avoid your triggers—expect that kids will push your buttons and choose how you'll react.

1

Ask your child to explain their behavior.

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Listen to your kids' perspectives before you react. If you begin to feel frustrated because of something they're doing or not doing, pause for a second and figure out what they're feeling. You might find that this defuses your frustration and helps you understand why they didn't behave the way you wanted them to.^{[1]
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- For instance, you might say, "Could you please help me understand why you and your brother aren't getting along? You seem upset," or, "Can you tell me why you didn't tidy up your room?"

2

Take a few deep breaths or relax your muscles.

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Slow down and calm your body before you respond to your kids. If you feel your body tense up or your heart starts pounding when you begin to feel frustrated, tell yourself to wait. Breathe in for a count of 5 and hold it for another 5 seconds. Then, slowly release your deep breath. Consciously relax your muscles as you do this. You might be surprised at how much more peaceful you feel.^{[2]
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- Taking a moment to breathe deeply also gives you time to gather your thoughts so you respond calmly.
- If it relaxes you, repeat a mantra as you take deep breaths. You might say, "This too will pass," or, "I love my kids."

3

Step away for a moment if possible.

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Take a short break to calm down and think before you react. If you're struggling to remain patient, it's completely fine to call a short break. Make it clear that it's not a punishment. Instead, tell your kids that everyone just needs a moment to calm down.^{[3]
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- Say something like, "Let's all spend 5 minutes in our own rooms, and then we'll talk about why you're frustrated."
- If your kids are very small, put them in their crib or playpen, but never leave them unsupervised. You could also ask your partner or another adult to watch the kids while you get a break.

4

Talk with your children about patience.

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Be honest when you're impatient and explain how you're feeling. Kids can tell when you've reached the limit of your patience, but it can really help to calmly explain to them know how you're feeling. Then, mention what you're doing to try to be more patient.^{[4]
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- For instance, say, "I'm losing my patience and feeling really frustrated. I'm going to sit down and close my eyes to do some deep breaths."
- Simply saying, “Kids, I’m losing my patience,” can also help, since it openly communicates with the kids how you're feeling and lets them respond to it.

5

Apologize if you lose your temper.

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Teach your children that everyone makes mistakes. Apologizing shows the kids that you understand you didn’t handle the situation as well as you could have and that you will try to improve next time. This sets a good example of being able to apologize when you're wrong—something they should also learn.^{[5]
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- For example, say, "Look, kids, I'm sorry that I yelled. I lost my patience and I didn't have a good reaction. I'll try to do better the next time I'm frustrated."
- Don't apologize and then offer an excuse for your behavior. Instead, be accountable for your reaction.

6

Give your child boundaries.

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Set clear rules so your kids know what to expect. If your kids aren't listening to you, you probably feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. Try giving your kids specific requests and consequences, if they don't fulfill them. For instance, say, I need you to do your homework before we turn on the movie or we won't be able to watch it tonight," rather than, "Why don't you get your homework done?"^{[6]
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Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.}
- Rules and boundaries help to give children stability and structure which they can rely on.
- For example, if one of the kids starts hitting the other, say, "There's no hitting in this house. I'm going to separate you now so you don't hurt your brother. Then, I'll come back and we'll talk about this."

7

Identify and avoid things that trigger your impatience.

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Let go of anger or anxiety about things you can't control. Being aware of your triggers is the first step to becoming more patient, especially since you may have control over what triggers your impatience. Once you identify them, try to prevent them.^{[7]
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- For example, maybe your kid wouldn't get dressed as you were trying to get out the door or they ignored you when you asked them to clean up before company came. In these cases, running late and having guests over contributed to your sense of impatience with your kid.
- If entertaining at home makes you stressed out, you might meet up with company at a restaurant instead. If hectic mornings make you frustrated, prepare for work or school the night before so you're not struggling to make it out the door.

8

Practice being patient in all your interactions.

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The more you practice being patient, the easier it gets. If you make a conscious effort to be calmer in your interactions with everyone, you'll find it a lot easier to be patient with your kids. Work on being patient with co-workers or people you encounter throughout the day.^{[8]
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Wits End Parenting
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Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.}
- Think about how impatient you sometimes get in the car and use this as an opportunity to model patience to your kid. If you're stuck behind a slow driver, you might say, "Gosh, we're going really slow. Oh well, at least we've got more time to enjoy the scenery."

9

Spend time having fun with your kids.

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Relax and enjoy time together to reduce your frustration with each other. Give yourself permission to be silly! You might be so focused on not losing your patience, that you forget to have fun. Make a point of spending a little time every day just enjoying each other's company. You might play games, bake cookies together, read them a story, or let them choose an activity.^{[9]
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- If you don't have a lot of time to schedule fun activities, don't worry! Make the most of the time you do have, even if it's just spending a few minutes listening to music together or watching a show with them after you get home from work.

10

Set aside time for self-care.

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Do things that make you feel rested, healthy, and happy. As a parent, you probably put your children's needs first, often without looking after yourself. It's important to practice self-care so you have the energy and enthusiasm to care for your kids. Get plenty of sleep since feeling rested can really help you have patience, and eat nutritious food so you feel your best.^{[10]
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- Taking care of yourself also includes spending time with your partner or friends. You might notice you're more short-tempered when you haven't spent time away from your kids in a while, so make plans to meet up with other adults every once in a while.
EXPERT TIP

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

When you put yourself first, you also put your family first. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish: it's essential. That's why it's so important to make time for healthy activities, like exercise, hobbies, and relaxation. When you're energized and feeling fulfilled, everyone wins!

11

Go easy on yourself.

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You will occasionally lose your patience, but allow yourself to move on. You may be a parent, but you're human, too. Even with practice, there will be times when your kids push your buttons and you might react with frustration. Don't beat yourself up about it—learn from the experience and move forward. Remind yourself that it's okay and you can do better next time.^{[11]
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- It's easy to dwell on your mistakes, but redirect your focus to recognize your strengths as a parent. For instance, you might think, "I lost my cool, but I did apologize and we had a good talk."

Expert Q&A

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Question

How can I be patient with my kids?

Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists
Wits End Parenting is a parent-coaching practice based in Berkeley, California specializing in strong-willed, “spirited” children with impulsivity, emotional volatility, difficulty “listening,” defiance, and aggression. Wits End Parenting's counselors incorporate positive discipline that is tailored to each child’s temperament while also providing long-term results, freeing parents from the need to continually re-invent their discipline strategies.

Wits End Parenting

Parenting Specialists

Expert Answer

Try not to overstress about everything they do. If they can handle a situation on their own, let them try to figure out and help them if they need to.

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