Does Your Child Resent You? 7 Signs to Look For

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How to recognize resentment and find a path forward

Co-authored by Adam Dorsay, PsyD and Madeline Ryan, B.S.

Last Updated: September 23, 2024 Fact Checked

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• Signs Your Child Resents You
|
• What To Do About Your Relationship
|
• Why Children Resent Their Parents
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• Expert Interview
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• Expert Q&A

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It feels like it was just yesterday when your child wanted to spend every waking moment with you and share every thought they had. But now it feels like they can barely stand to be around you — and you’re worried they resent you for something deeper than the typical child-to-parent angst. Resentment is the emotion someone feels when they’re angry or disappointed about something in the past, and regularly think about it to relive their frustration. If your child holds resentment, which is often sparked by feelings of unfairness or unbalance in a situation, then we’re here to help you figure it out and focus on what comes next.

Things You Should Know

• If your child avoids spending time with you, doesn't treat you respectfully, and gets frustrated when you need things, they may feel resentment toward you.
• People may resent their parents because of trauma or unmet needs from their childhood.
• If you think your child resents you, start a conversation and listen to what they have to say with an open mind.

Steps

Section 1 of 3:

Signs Your Child Resents You

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1. 1
   They avoid spending time with you. Quality time spent with your child is essential for a healthy relationship. It’ll be hard for your child to spend time around you when they feel hurt or upset by you. If every moment spent together seems to make them angry, they may be trying to get space from you because you trigger difficult emotions for them.

   • Normally, adult children will move away from their parents after age 25 but will still visit for holidays or special occasions. They’ll also reach out to check in on their parents once in a while.
2. 2
   They don’t like hearing about their childhood. If your adult child resents you for something in the past, it could be tied to the way they remember being raised. Many young adults of the next generation have come to interpret their experiences with their families differently than past generations did. What was once seen as normal is now viewed as abusive, harmful or neglectful.

   • If your child does say that they have experienced abuse or any form of trauma, take it seriously. Acknowledge their feelings and listen to what they want to share with you.
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3. 3
   They get annoyed when you need or want something. It’s common for older children to resent a caretaking role. This change can feel like an unfair balance of responsibility. Even though your child loves you, they may be lacking a deep sense of connection to you that helps them empathize and treat you with compassion.
4. 4
   They bring up old fights. Resentment stems from a focus on a past conflict. If your child mentions previous fights often, they haven’t forgiven you and your conflict isn’t resolved.

   • Even if the fight doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, it will benefit your relationship if you respect that your child doesn’t have the same emotions you do.
5. 5
   They narrow their eyes at you when you’re talking. The muscles around our eyes tighten when we’re suspicious of something. If you notice your child narrowing their eyes at you, this means that something you’re saying is in conflict with what they believe. Ask yourself what kinds of conversations prompt this reaction from your child.

   • Another body language indicator of anger is gritted teeth or a stiff jaw.
6. 6
   You don’t feel mutual respect. If your child is harboring resentment, they'll think poorly of your decisions. All healthy relationships need respect, even if the two of you don’t always see eye-to-eye. A lack of respect can be improved through empathetic conversations. But it is not okay if your child is taking their feelings out on you by humiliating you or hurting you.
7. 7
   They don’t accept you for who you are. A child will push back against the traits of the parents they resent. Whether it’s important aspects of your identity, your passions, or your distastes — your child wants to do the opposite. This means that their resentment casts a negative light on everything about you as an individual, and not just as their parent.

   • Sometimes you also might not accept who your adult child has become. The best thing you can do is support your child as they figure out who they are, even if you don’t approve of their decisions.
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Section 2 of 3:

What To Do About Your Relationship

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1. 1
   Start a conversation with your child. It’s important to communicate so that you and your child understand each other. To have a healthy conversation about difficult feelings like resentment, first ask your child to talk at a certain time/place. Set realistic expectations for the conversation, think deeply about your preconceived assumptions and accept that you may have made mistakes.

   • You can say, “Hey, I feel like your mood and interactions around me have changed recently. Can we talk about this when you’re done with school/work?”
   • Start with “I felt” statements, like, “I felt hurt when you didn’t talk to me today.”
2. 2
   Forgive yourself and your child. The cure for resentment is forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just something we say, but it’s an internal process that forces you to shift your perception of a situation. Even if you made bad decisions in the past, focusing only on mistakes will prevent you from moving forward.

   • Forgiveness is not excusing hurtful or insensitive behavior. You still need to take accountability for your actions and accept them — without blaming anyone or anything else — before you can move on.
   • When you forgive someone else, you’re making the conscious decision to let go of negative feelings about someone whether they deserve it or not.
3. 3
   Try to rebuild if you and your child want a better relationship. Follow the boundaries your adult child sets. You can set boundaries of your own as well.Listen to each other and when conflicts do inevitably arise, treat them as a threat to your relationship rather than a personal threat.

   • Pick up hobbies you can do together as equals. Learn pickleball together, or a new craft like pottery.
   • Communicate regularly. Reach out over email, text, or voicemail, even if they don’t always return the message. It shows that you’re thinking about them.
4. 4
   Respect your child’s wishes if they want space. Sometimes adult children decide to be estranged from their parents. Avoid a reactive response to this information and instead stay calm. If they ask to go no-contact, respect their wishes because if you don’t, this may prolong the estrangement. When a child asks for estrangement, it is because something is wrong that you need to understand.

   • On average, estrangements last for 9 years. Most end in less than 5. But this will all depend on how you handle the situation and use the time apart productively.
   • Work on yourself by going to therapy and listening to your emotions.
   • You may feel lonely without your child, so it can help to join a club in order to build social support elsewhere.
5. 5
   Walk away if your child’s resentment turns into abuse. Abusive behavior is never okay. If they don’t respect you, make you feel unimportant, or even physically or verbally hurt you, then it’s possible that they are being abusive to you. In this case, it may be time for you to remove your child from your life in order to feel safe.

   • Acknowledge your grief over the end of the relationship. Most parents who are estranged from their children feel a profound sense of regret about the loss of family connection, tradition and history.
   • Keep a list of specific reasons why you can’t have a connection with your child anymore. This will help when you’re having doubts about your decision.
   • Look for other sources of support during this time. Reach out to other family members to talk through your emotions, and invest time in the hobbies that distract you and bring you joy.
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Section 3 of 3:

Why Children Resent Their Parents

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1. 1
   They’ve experienced emotional abuse from their family. Emotional abuse is the most cited cause of estranged parent-child relationships. Emotional abuse can involve intimidation and manipulation, and describes any relationship where one person tries to make the other feel less important or respected.
2. 2
   They have expectations for parent-child roles. Many adult children expect their parents to treat them with respect and empathy as they would any other family member.Maybe you were raised to see your parents as authority figures who never apologized to you. But that isn’t necessarily standard today.
3. 3
   They were affected by their parents’ trauma. Children can be very affected by their parents’ struggles. If you went through a traumatic event with your child, you both were likely affected mentally and emotionally. Your child was dependent on you, so you may have neglected — or simply been unable — to see your child’s responses and needs at that time.
4. 4
   They went through trauma. Your child might hold you responsible for traumatic events in their life. Children can heal from trauma if they feel safe and supported by their families. But if they didn’t feel that way, they might realize in adulthood that you were supposed to help more than you did.

   • Trauma can include abuse (physical, sexual or emotional), neglect, natural disasters, seeing a loved one experience harm, being separated from loved ones, or poverty.
5. 5
   Their personality clashes with their parents. A lack of connection can make it difficult to empathize with each other. If you and your adult child can’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, no matter if it’s politics or your favorite TV shows, this can damage any sense of friendship between you that might have made your relationship easier.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  Why does a parent resent their child?

  

  Wits End Parenting
  Parenting Specialists

  Wits End Parenting is a parent-coaching practice based in Berkeley, California specializing in strong-willed, “spirited” children with impulsivity, emotional volatility, difficulty “listening,” defiance, and aggression. Wits End Parenting's counselors incorporate positive discipline that is tailored to each child’s temperament while also providing long-term results, freeing parents from the need to continually re-invent their discipline strategies.

  

  Wits End Parenting

  Parenting Specialists

  Expert Answer

  Sometimes, parents have a vision when they get pregnant of what having a child is going to be like. Then, if their child grows up differently, defiant or disrespectful, the advice they receive from the parenting community is not helpful—they're sort of being told by other parenting experts or by other parents that they're not doing it right, they're not good enough, or they don't love their child enough. It's very easy, at this point, to start resenting the child.

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