How to Handle a Cross Dressing Husband

When your husband tells you that he cross dresses, it can be disconcerting. You probably have never pictured your husband wearing women’s clothing or putting on a full face of makeup. It’s important to remember that while your husband may have kept this hidden from you, he’s still the same man you married years ago. If you’re struggling to accept your husband’s lifestyle, read through this article to learn more about cross dressing and why some men are drawn to it.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Fernando Campos, founder of Avant-Garde Therapy. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Men tend to cross dress because it makes them feel more feminine or simply because it’s a fun hobby.
Cross dressing does not automatically mean your husband is gay or transgender, because cross dressing is different from your sexuality or gender identity.
If your husband cross dresses, tell him what you’re comfortable with and ask him how open he’s going to be about wearing women’s clothing.

Section 1 of 6:

What is cross dressing?

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Cross dressing refers to men who wear women’s clothing. These men may wear anything from women’s underwear to women’s jewelry to women’s makeup. Some men cross dress every single day and do it publicly, while other men only cross dress alone or only do it occasionally.
- While this may be a novel idea to you, cross dressing is actually relatively common. No one knows for sure, but it’s estimated that 2% to 10% of men in America enjoy cross dressing on a regular basis.^{[1]
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- Many men experiment with wearing women’s clothing at a young age. If they find that they like it, they keep doing it into adulthood.
- While cross dressing traditionally refers to men wearing women’s clothing, women can cross dress too. Some women like to wear men’s clothing either in public or in private.
- For some men, opening up about cross dressing can be extremely stressful and scary. Lots of biases against cross dressing still exist today, and because of this, they might also be grappling with other questions about their personal identity. If your husband's crossdressing creates disturbances in your life and relationship as a result, that's normal and we're here to help you navigate that!

Section 2 of 6:

Why Some Men Cross Dress

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It makes them feel more feminine. Many men who cross dress do it to get in touch with their feminine side. Because society expects men to be masculine and strong most of the time, wearing women’s clothing is a nice way to tap into their femininity and release themselves from societal expectations.
- In that way, it’s similar to other expressions that are considered “feminine” today, like painting your nails, wearing perfume, or wearing pink clothing.
- Everyone who cross dresses is different, and your husband may like it because of this reason, the reasons below, or other reasons entirely. The best way to know is to talk to him about it.
Have you ever gotten dressed up even when you had nowhere to go? Maybe you put on your new dress or wore that new lipstick just because you liked it. Men who cross dress can be the same: when they look in the mirror, they simply enjoy the way that they look wearing women’s clothing.^{[2]
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They do it for fun. For some men, cross dressing is like a hobby. Maybe they’re into fashion, or maybe they like trying out new makeup trends. Cross dressing could be an enjoyable way to pass the time when they’re bored.
- Think of it as a creative hobby that your husband likes to do. He might paint, do woodworking, or cross dress on the weekends—all are valid forms of expression and a fun way to relax.
- Many women consider experimenting with makeup looks a hobby. Your husband may feel the same!
- Doing drag is another form of cross dressing that can be a hobby or even a job. However, drag queens take cross dressing to the next level, often wearing flashy outfits and makeup that look good on stage.
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It’s a sexual kink for them. For some men, wearing women’s clothing is a turn-on. They might enjoy the way they look wearing lingerie or how they feel in a dress. Keep in mind that this isn’t the case for all men, but for some, it can be.
- Using cross dressing for sexual pleasure is different than doing it for fun or as a hobby. If you’re uncomfortable with your husband cross dressing in the bedroom, you have every right to say no and state your sexual boundaries (just like he doesn’t have to indulge in any of your fantasies if he doesn’t want to).

Section 3 of 6:

Does cross dressing mean my husband isn’t straight?

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No, cross dressing doesn’t mean your husband isn’t straight. If your husband cross dresses, it doesn’t automatically mean that he is not into you anymore. Cross dressing has nothing to do with your sexuality. Plenty of straight men cross dress and have no problems coming home to loving wives and families.^{[3]
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- Your sexual identity defines who you are attracted to sexually. If your husband is heterosexual, or straight, then he is solely attracted to women.

Section 4 of 6:

Does cross dressing mean my husband is transgender?

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No, cross dressing doesn’t mean your husband is transgender. Just because your husband wears women’s clothing doesn’t necessarily mean he would like to transition to a woman. While your husband’s gender identity and his cross dressing could be intertwined, it’s totally possible that he’s a cisgender man who likes to cross dress.^{[4]
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- Cisgender means that your gender identity aligns with the gender you were assigned with at birth. So if your husband is cisgender, it means he identifies as a man.
- Transgender means that you have transitioned to another gender. If your husband identifies as transgender, he may identify as a woman.
- While men who cross dress aren’t necessarily transgender, there is a possibility that your husband’s cross dressing could be the first step in him transitioning or experimenting with his gender identity. However, it’s up to your husband to come to that realization on his own.

Section 5 of 6:

Setting Your Own Boundaries

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Talk to your husband about what you’re comfortable with. Learning that your husband cross dresses can be a lot to take in, especially if this is the first time you’re hearing about it. Even if you’re totally committed to supporting and loving your husband for who he is, that doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to feel a little shaken up, or like there are limits to what you’re comfortable with. Take however long you need (a few hours, a few days) to let it sit, then establish your own boundaries.
- “I’m okay with you cross dressing at home, but I’d really prefer if it was a private, at-home activity.”
- “It’s fine if you cross dress, but I’m not comfortable with you borrowing my clothes or makeup.”
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Ask your husband how open he’s going to be about his cross dressing. Some men never cross dress in public, while others prefer to cross dress every single day during their daily lives. Understanding how open he would like to be about his cross dressing will help you decide what boundaries you want to set in the future. Check in with your husband about whether or not he’d like his habits to become public knowledge, and be sure to respect his wishes if he wants to keep things private.
- You can also check in with him about when or where he’s going to buy women’s clothing. Some men exclusively buy items online to avoid being spotted in public, while others don’t mind heading to the mall and picking themselves out a new outfit.
- If you feel uncomfortable getting into specifics at first, that's totally understandable. For you, this might feel like a whole new world, and you might have a lot to learn! But trust that in all likelihood, the more you fill in the blanks, the more empowered you'll feel.
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Discuss whether or not to talk to your kids (if you have any). If you and your husband co-parent, your children might have questions. Is your husband going to cross dress in front of them? Will he explain to them what he’s doing, or would he like to keep that private? Talk to your husband about how open he wants to be with your kids so you can both be on the same page. If you do decide to talk to your children, make it an open discussion with the entire family that your husband leads.
- Remember, there’s nothing inherently dirty or sexual about cross dressing. Cross dressing is totally appropriate to expose children to, as long as your husband is wearing clothing that isn’t too revealing.
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Let your husband know what you’d like your sex life to look like. Since some men use cross dressing in the bedroom, it’s important to discuss your boundaries around it upfront. If you’d rather your husband stay in masculine clothing in the bedroom, let him know. But if you’re fine with exploring his cross dressing in your sex life, tell him that, too.^{[5]
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- For some women, seeing their husband in feminine clothing can take some getting used to. It’s okay if you need time to adjust before leaping into bed with your husband in lingerie.
- It’s also totally fine if you never get comfortable introducing cross dressing into the bedroom. You’re allowed to say no at any point when it comes to sexual acts.

Section 6 of 6:

Supporting Your Husband

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Encourage him to express himself. Whether your husband wants to cross dress in the bedroom, at home, or in public, it’s his way of expressing who he is. To support him unconditionally, let him know that you’re here to help him express himself whichever way he wants to.
- It’s totally fine if you need some time to adjust to your husband’s cross dressing. However, supporting him is a great way to show how much you love and care about him.
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Look into groups or communities he could join. There are many cross dressing communities both in-person and online that your husband could join. Encourage him to find like-minded men who also enjoy cross dressing so he can get a sense of community while he expresses himself.
- Try searching “cross dressing” + “your area” to find in-person or online groups for your husband.
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Let him talk about women’s clothing and fashion with you. Many cross dressing men who have kept their activities a secret for a long time have been yearning to discuss fashion with someone. Once your husband is comfortable enough, he’ll likely want to talk about fashion trends, jewelry on the market, or new makeup that he wants. If you’re okay with it, join in these discussions and have fun chatting with your husband about his hobby.
- If you’re ever feeling overwhelmed or tired of talking about clothing with your husband, gently let him know. It’s likely that he’ll go a little overboard at first, so you may have to steer him back toward other topics of conversation.
- “Honey, you know I love talking shoes with you, but could we chat about something else for a minute?”

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Question

Why might some men choose to cross dress in today's society?

Anna Svetchnikov
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Anna Svetchinkov, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Mental Health Advocate, and Author based in Florida. With over 15 years of experience, she helps individuals, couples, and families nationwide and worldwide overcome challenges and achieve their goals through speaking engagements and presentations. Anna is a dynamic presenter who's appeared on major media networks, including PBS, FOX, ABC, and NBC, sharing her expertise in family therapy and mental wellness. She's a published author with over 30 books for children, adolescents, teens, and adults, covering topics related to mental health and wellness. Passionate about destigmatizing mental health, she founded the non-profit "I Care We All Care." Anna has received several awards for her contributions to the mental health field and was selected as one of Florida's ‘40 under 40.’ She received a BS in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from UMass Boston and is pursuing her Ph.D in Clinical Sexology from MSTI.

Anna Svetchnikov

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Cross dressing gives a sense of freedom to choose how to express yourself. While in the past cross dressing may have been judged more harshly, today's society is becoming more accepting, which allows people to be themselves more freely. Some men might cross dress as a way to explore their identity or feelings, possibly to see how they relate to gender identity. But in many cases, it's simply expressing outwardly how they feel inside. From what I've seen with clients, many have always had these inner inclinations but didn't feel brave enough to act on them openly before. The shift towards more acceptance has given them the courage to let their inner self manifest outwardly through cross dressing.

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