This article was co-authored by Kate Dreyfus and by wikiHow staff writer, Eric McClure. Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
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The point of the no contact rule is to give yourself time to get over the messy feelings associated with your ex. Basically, you cut them off entirely—block them on social media, block their phone number, and don’t contact them—and that alone time gives you the space to heal and move on. But how long will it be before you start feeling better? How much time needs to pass before you can feel comfortable talking to your ex? We’ve got you covered with everything you need to know about giving yourself the time you need to heal.
Steps
For an amicable breakup: around 30 days.
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If this was mutual, give yourself about a month to move on. The goal here is to sort things out for yourself and take some time to heal, reflect, and move on. Roughly 4 weeks of time alone should be enough to get back into the normal rhythm of the single life. It might feel messy and strange at first, but after 30 days you may find yourself feeling much better.[1]
- While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different. Some people move on really fast after a breakup, while other people take a long time. If 30 days pass and you still aren’t ready, it’s totally okay to extend your period of no contact.
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Let your ex know what you’re doing to smooth things over. If the breakup really was smooth and you know you might want to reconnect with your ex as friends in the future, feel free to tell them what you’re doing. You can just shoot them a text and explain why you’re going to go MIA for a while—it shouldn’t be a big deal.[2]
- You could say, “Hey, just a head’s up, I’m going to block you on social media for a while and I won’t answer the phone. You didn’t do anything wrong or anything, but I just need some space to focus on me if that’s okay.”
For a long-term relationship: at least 60 days.
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If the two of you were together for at least 6 months, take 2 months off. The length of the relationship matters when it comes to the no contact rule. If the two of you were together for 6-12 months (or longer), give yourself at least 60 days before you think about reaching out. You’re probably going through a lot if you’ve broken up with someone you were with for a while, and it’s okay if it takes a little longer to process that.[3]
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In the meantime, do things you enjoy and distract yourself. Go hang out with friends, pursue your passions, and engage with your hobbies. Give yourself a day or two to mourn the loss and then try to return to a normal routine.[4] Work out, eat healthy, and get plenty of sleep. Whatever you’re feeling during this time is totally valid, and rest assured that this will get easier.[5]
- You can tell the new contact rule is working if things start to improve over a few weeks. Some people think “no contact rule” means “take a week off from talking to them,” but give yourself plenty of runway here.
For an especially toxic separation: indefinitely.
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If they were abusive or things were always bad, cut them off forever. No contact is especially important if you were in a bad situation. It gives you time to get some perspective and figure out just how rewarding life can be without your awful ex. You deserve better, so don’t look back until you’re absolutely clear that’s what you want.[8]
- If you were with an abusive person or they had a tendency to gaslight you into thinking things are your fault, it can cross some wires in your head. Show yourself some love and take as much time as you need to recover.[9]
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Something should change dramatically before you reconnect. With a toxic ex, your best option is to move on in life. But if you really do want to reach out in the future (like…far future), look to see if something has dramatically changed before going through with it. If they were an alcoholic, they should be in treatment. If they were verbally abusive, they should be in anger management. Don’t return to someone who treated you wrong if they refuse to change.[10]
- Just to clarify, this may take years. Don’t plan on reaching out to a toxic ex any time soon—even if you really, really want to.
To try getting back with your ex: around 1-2 weeks.
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If you want your ex back, try reaching out after a week or two. Some people use the “no contact” rule to try and get their ex back after they’ve been broken up with. It’s a good move—especially if it feels like maybe your ex was on the fence about breaking up. Wait 1-2 weeks for them to realize how empty their life is without you. Then, send them a text or call them to see how they’re doing.[11]
- If they hit you up in the meantime, let them know you need some time to figure out what you want. This kind of sends the signal that you’re still weighing your options—which should make them want you even more!
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Play it cool when you do reconnect after the no contact rule. Take it slow and be smooth. Emphasize that you’ve been hanging out with friends and having fun. You don’t want to make them despair, but your ex also shouldn’t feel like they hold all the cards. If this is going to work, it’s because your ex broke up and regrets the decision. But if you just come right out of the gates saying how empty you are without them, they may not feel like they need you the same way you need them.[12]
Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat if I feel like I just can't do no contact?Kate DreyfusKate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive HealerNo contact is ideal, but if you just aren't in an environment where you can do that, at least go for limited contact. The more space you have, the better. But if you just can't help but interact with them because you go to school together or you work at the same place, just minimize the amount of time you spend talking to them. -
QuestionHow do you know if the no contact rule is actually working?Kate DreyfusKate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive HealerIf you feel your own sense of wellbeing improving and you're starting to feel a sense of closure, it's working. If you aren't feeling that right now, it's okay. Just give it time. -
QuestionDoes no contact work every time?Kate DreyfusKate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive HealerI don't know if it's possible to say something is always going to work when it comes to a process as like recovering from heartbreak, but no contact is certainly one of the more reliable options here.
Video
Tips
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-past-and-hurt
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/love-online/202003/want-contact-your-ex-here-are-5-reasons-why-you-shouldn-t
- ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/head-games/201806/3-ways-get-over-your-ex
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-heal-after-an-abusive-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-you-us/201408/3-ways-take-care-yourself-after-breakup
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-get-over-a-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/202307/reconnecting-with-an-ex
- ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/emotional-fitness/201109/10-tips-to-help-you-deal-with-your-ex
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-tips-to-mend-a-broken-heart
- ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.
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