How to Raise a Child

Co-authored by Deanna Dawson-Jesus, CD (DONA) and Amy Bobinger, BA

Last Updated: December 11, 2024 Approved

At times, raising a child can seem really daunting, especially in the world we live in today. Of course, raising children means providing for their basic needs, but there's a lot more to it than that. It also takes a huge amount of time, effort, and love—and having a great sense of humor doesn't hurt, either. It might be hard sometimes, but just remember that every day is a new chance to get things right.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Developing a Healthy Routine

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1
Stick to roughly the same schedule each day. Consistency is really important to kids, so figure out a schedule that works for your family, and try to stick to it as closely as possible. That way, your child will know what to expect when each day begins. That predictability can help give them a feeling of stability and structure.^{[1]
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- For instance, your child should wake up and go to bed at the same time each day, including weekends.
- Have set times for things like schoolwork, chores, and even playtime.
- You should try to plan your meals so your child eats at about the same time every day, as well.
2
Create routines for different times of the day. In addition to keeping a fairly regular schedule, you can also help build structure into your child's day by coming up with different routines. Come up with a few easy-to-follow steps, and make sure your child follows those steps in the same order each day.^{[2]
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HealthyChildren.org
Health information from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

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- For instance, each morning, you might have your child potty, brush their teeth, and get dressed as soon as they get up.
- Bedtime routines can help make it easier for your child to fall asleep at night, and they're a great time to quietly bond as a family. For example, each night, you might spend some time playing in your child's room, then give your child a bath, then snuggle up and read a story once your child is in their pajamas.
- Kids respond well to visual reminders, so try writing out their routines on a colorful chart. You can even use stickers to keep track of how well they do!
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3
Eat meals as a family when you're able. Whenever possible, try to have at least a few meals a week where you're all sitting at the table together. It can seem hard to find the time, especially when you're busy, but family meals are a great time for your family to connect and talk about your day. It can also help promote healthy eating habits within your family.^{[3]
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- Get your child involved in the meal. Dinner will be more fun if you allow your child to help you choose meals, prepare the food, and set the table. For instance, you might allow a younger child to wash veggies, while an older child might actually prepare a meal for the whole family.
- Keep dinner conversation open and light. Share details about your day and ask your child about theirs, but don't give them the third degree.
- Try serving family-style meals, where your children get to choose what meal components are on their plate. This is a great chance to teach them healthy eating habits that can last a lifetime.
4
Read to your child every day. Create a set time each day to read with your child—even if it's just a single story book. Talk about the story as you read it, as well as any illustrations, if the book has any. Reading out loud to your child can help them nurture a love for books that will last a lifetime. In addition, it can help boost their own reading skills, and it may even help improve their ability to pay attention.^{[4]
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- When you read to smaller children, it helps them learn words that they can use to describe their feelings and emotions.^{[5]
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- When your child is old enough to read on their own, have them read out loud to you, instead. However, don't focus too much on any mistakes they make—help them if they ask about a certain word, but don't treat it like homework. Also, be sure to let them know it's okay if they still want you to read to them sometimes.
- Don't be surprised if your child wants to read the same stories over and over. This repetition is comforting to children, and it can actually help them improve their vocabulary faster than constantly reading new stories.
5
Schedule extracurricular activities for your child. Though you don't have to sign your child up for ten different activities each week, it's a good idea to find at least one or two activities that your child loves to do and incorporate them into your child's weekly routine. This can be anything from soccer to art class—any organized group activity can have real benefits for your child, from teaching them about socialization and cooperation to boosting their self-esteem.^{[6]
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- As a bonus, extracurricular activities and sports can help boost your child's concentration in school.
6
Allow your child to have unscheduled play time each day. Too much unstructured time can lead to bored kids, and bored kids tend to get into trouble. On the other hand, if your child's day is planned out down to the minute, they won't learn how to entertain themselves. A good middle ground is to build unstructured time into each day while sticking to a routine for the rest of the day.^{[7]
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- During that free time, encourage your child to play with their toys, make up creative games, play dress-up, go outside, read a book, or whatever else they like to do with their time—as long as they're the ones in control of the time.
- Avoid letting your kids fill up all of their free time with screens. A little technology use during the day is fine, but too much screen time can discourage children from using their imagination.^{[8]
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- It doesn't matter if you don't have 80 million toys for your child to play with. It's the quality, not the quantity of the toys that counts. In fact, at times you may find that your child is more content playing with an empty toilet paper roll than the fanciest toy they own.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Bonding with Your Child

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1
Make time to listen to your children. If you never listen to your children or you spend all of your time barking orders at them, they won't feel respected or cared for. Instead, try to set aside time each day to spend talking one-on-one with your child. When they're talking, give them your full attention, and show them you're listening by saying things like, "That makes sense," "Uh-huh," or "Go on." When they're finished talking, repeat what they said back in your own words so they'll know you understood them.^{[9]
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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services

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- Encourage your children to talk to you about their day. Helping them express themselves early on can help them communicate successfully in the future.
2
Treat your child with respect. Don't ever forget that your child is a living, breathing human being who has needs and wants just like the rest of us. If your child is a picky eater, don't nag them constantly at the dinner table; if they're slow to potty train, don't embarrass them by talking about it in public.^{[10]
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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services

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- If you respect your child, then it's much more likely that your child will respect you back.
- One way to respect your child is to allow them to be exactly who they are. Do offer them guidance on how to be a good person, but don't try to make them into the person you want them to be.^{[11]
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EXPERT TIP

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Treat your kids with kindness, no matter what. Talk things through with them like you would with any other adult. Clearly express your expectations while avoiding ultimatums or accusations. A calm yet firm approach can help them feel respected.
3
Give your child an abundance of affection. It's a myth that loving your child "too much," praising your child too much, or showering your child with too much affection can make your child spoiled rotten. Giving your child love, affection, and attention will positively encourage your child to develop a strong sense of self-worth, and it will help you feel closer as a family.^{[12]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

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- Tell your child how much you love them every single day, even if you're upset with them.
4
Be involved in your child's daily life. It will take effort and strength to be there for your child every day, but if you want to encourage your child to develop his own interests and character, you have to create a strong support system for him. This doesn't mean you have to follow your child around every second of the day, but it does mean that you should make a real effort to prioritize spending time together.^{[13]
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- Once your child starts school, you should know what classes he's taking and the names of his teachers. Go over your child's homework with him and help him with any difficult tasks, but do not do it for him.
- As your child gets older, you can start pulling back a bit, and encouraging your child to explore his interests without you by his side all the time.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Disciplining Your Child

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1
Enforce your rules and consequences consistently. It might not be fun to set rules and boundaries with your child—they're going to push their limits from time to time, which can be really frustrating. However, kids do this to test whether you'll react the same every time they break the rules, and believe it or not, they actually feel happier and more secure when you do.^{[14]
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- Try writing down a list of your rules, as well as the consequences that go along with breaking those rules. That way, your child will always know what will happen if they ignore your guidelines.
- If you and a partner are raising your child together, then you should be a united front against your children, using the same disciplinary methods.^{[15]
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  Expert Source
  
  Deanna Dawson-Jesus, CD (DONA)
  Birth & Postpartum Doula, Childbirth, & Lactation Educator
  
  Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}There should be no "good cop, bad cop" routine in your home.
2
Create consequences that fit the crime. Don't make up confusing punishments that don't have anything to do with the rule that was broken. Instead, try to withdraw a privilege that's directly associated with the issue in question.^{[16]
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- For instance, instead of saying, "If you ride your tricycle into the street, you will have to balance this book on your head," you might say, "If you ride your tricycle into the street, you lose the use of your tricycle for the rest of the day."
- Avoid physically disciplining your children as a form of punishment. Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children, and they may actually have worse behavioral problems than children who don't get physically punished.^{[17]
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3
Reward your child for good behavior. Praising your child when they're being good is even more important than disciplining them when they're bad. Try to catch them in the act of doing something good, like sharing their toys or being patient on a car ride. Then, let them know you noticed, and consider giving them a small treat as a reward, like allowing extra screen time or a later bedtime.^{[18]
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- Try pointing out things like getting good grades, making healthy choices at mealtimes, showing kindness, or overcoming a tough temptation, like not eating cookies that you accidentally left on the counter.
- Even something as simple as saying, "I'm so proud of you!" can go a long way to a child.
4
Teach your child to take responsibility for their actions. When your child does something wrong, calmly talk to them about what they did, and why it was a bad decision. That way, they'll know they have to be accountable for the mistakes they make. Then, get them involved in taking care of the problem, which will help them learn autonomy and responsibility.^{[19]
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- For instance, if your child is being rowdy and spills a glass of juice, have them get a towel and help you clean it up.
- If your child hurts a friend's feelings, encourage them to apologize.
- Let your child know that everyone makes mistakes, and that how you handle those mistakes is more important than being perfect all the time.
Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

Avoid placing negative labels on children. "We need to separate our children from their behaviors. There’s a significant difference between 'you are bad' and 'you did something bad'. It’s not just semantics. When we shame and label our children, we take away their opportunity to grow and try on new behaviors."
5
Remember to laugh so you don't get too frustrated. If things get tough, take a step back every once in a while and try to find something to laugh about. Kids are pretty resilient, so if they see you laughing about something, they're more likely to laugh about it, too. Laughing can help you feel more connected as a family, and it can also help shift a bad day into a better one.
- Try not to laugh when your child is doing something bad to get attention, because that can reinforce that behavior. However, if your child does something ridiculous like getting their head stuck in a toilet seat, it's better to laugh than to get mad at them for it.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Building Character

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1
Be the kind of person you want your children to be. Don't just rely on your words to teach your child about having good character—how you act is actually a much bigger influence on the type of person they'll become. If there's a certain value that you really want to instill in your child, like being charitable or compassionate, be intentional about exhibiting that trait yourself.^{[20]
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- For instance, if you tell your child it's important not to lose their temper, but you yell and kick the wall when you're mad, they're probably going to have a hard time controlling their anger.
- Remember to only use words that you'd be okay with your child repeating. For instance, if you don't want your child to curse, don't say those words yourself.
2
Talk to your child about messages they get from the media. You can't control everything that your child hears and sees, but do try to be aware of it as much as you can. If you hear something that doesn't line up with your family's values, talk about it. That can help your child develop a strong moral compass that will help guide them into adulthood.^{[21]
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- For instance, if you're watching a movie and a character seems to benefit from doing something immoral, like lying or stealing, you might have a talk later about how short-term gains won't outweigh the long-term consequences of those actions.
3
Compromise with your child when it's appropriate. While you should certainly have some rules that are non-negotiable, there are times when it won't hurt to listen to your child's request. By showing them that you're willing to have some give-and-take, they'll be more likely to compromise with others in the future. In addition, they'll start to build the sense that they're the ones in charge of their own decisions, which can be a powerful lesson for children of any age.^{[22]
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- For instance, you might say something like, "I understand you don't want to stop playing with Chris, but we really have to go. If you'll help him pick up his toys, though, we can stay for another 15 minutes, if his mom says it's okay."
4
Teach your child to be confident and independent. Empower your child to be self-sufficient by giving them the opportunity to make choices for themselves from the earliest age. This will actually help them feel closer to you in the long run. In addition, give them space by backing away once in a while—even if you know they're about to make a mistake. Sometimes, the best way for a child to learn something is just to go through it themselves.^{[23]
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- For instance, at snack time, you might ask your child something like, "Would you like an apple or an orange for snack today?"
- If you have an older child, you might let them pick out their clothes when you go school shopping.
Your child will have a much better chance of success in the future if you teach them basic manners. For example, you should teach your child to speak respectfully, say "please" and "thank you," and avoid fighting with other kids. Be sure to model these behaviors yourself, as well!^{[24]
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6
Teach your children to have empathy for others. Empathy is an important skill and one that you can never teach too early. If your child knows how to have empathy for others, then he'll be able to see the world from a more judgment-free perspective and will be able to put himself in someone else's shoes.
- For example, if your child comes home and tells you that their friend Jimmy was mean at school, you might talk about what happened and try to figure out why Jimmy might have been feeling at the time.
- Do this in your own interactions, as well. If a waitress forgets your order in a restaurant, don't tell your child that she's lazy or stupid. Instead, point out how tired she must be after spending all day on her feet.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you deal with parenting advice?

Deanna Dawson-Jesus, CD (DONA)
Early Childhood Educator
Deanna Dawson-Jesus is a Birth Doula, Childbirth, and Lactation Educator based in Danville, California. As the owner of Birthing Babies - A Celebration of Life, Deanna has 19 years of birth doula experience and has assisted with over 250 births. She also has over five years of postpartum doula experience and assists more than ten families. Deanna has additional extensive training in Assisted Reproductive Technologies, VBAC support, and Perinatal Loss Support. She is a Certified Birth Doula by DONA International and teaches at Blossom Birth and Family.

Deanna Dawson-Jesus, CD (DONA)

Early Childhood Educator

Expert Answer

There are tons of different opinions on the best way to raise a child. Ultimately, the decision is yours. I would recommend taking a parenting class or doing some research to help you decide what works best for you and your child.

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Is it okay to have different parenting styles?

Deanna Dawson-Jesus, CD (DONA)
Early Childhood Educator
Deanna Dawson-Jesus is a Birth Doula, Childbirth, and Lactation Educator based in Danville, California. As the owner of Birthing Babies - A Celebration of Life, Deanna has 19 years of birth doula experience and has assisted with over 250 births. She also has over five years of postpartum doula experience and assists more than ten families. Deanna has additional extensive training in Assisted Reproductive Technologies, VBAC support, and Perinatal Loss Support. She is a Certified Birth Doula by DONA International and teaches at Blossom Birth and Family.

Deanna Dawson-Jesus, CD (DONA)

Early Childhood Educator

Expert Answer

It's important for parents to have similar parenting styles so you can have a united front. Both parents should be enforcing the same rules and following the same disciplinary procedures.

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If you feel totally lost, consider taking a parenting class.^{[25]
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Deanna Dawson-Jesus, CD (DONA)
Birth & Postpartum Doula, Childbirth, & Lactation Educator

Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}

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While everyone will have an opinion on how to properly raise your child, remember that ultimately it's your decision. Do plenty of research and trust your instincts about what works best for your child.^{[26]
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Deanna Dawson-Jesus, CD (DONA)
Birth & Postpartum Doula, Childbirth, & Lactation Educator

Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}

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