How to End a Relationship Respectfully: What to Do & What Not to Do

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Ease your soon-to-be-ex’s heartache by letting her down gently

Written by Amy Chan | Edited by Dev Murphy, MA

Last Updated: July 8, 2023 Fact Checked

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What Not to Do

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What to Do

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Splitting up is tough for everyone involved, but if you’re preparing to break things off with your girlfriend and want to do it kindly, the good news is it’s possible to do. No matter how you go about ending a relationship, it’s almost guaranteed you’ll both experience some difficult emotions. However, you can still be honest while letting your soon-to-be-ex down easy. We’ve consulted the experts about how to break up with your girlfriend nicely—check out our guide below.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship coach, the founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, Amy Chan. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

If you can, break up in person. Breaking up over the phone or email can feel disrespectful to your girlfriend if there aren't any other options. Plus, ending the relationship in person can give you both closure.
Only break up over text messages if you don't have any other option, but try to do so respectfully. Don't resort to name-calling or insults.
Let her down gently by reassuring her that you value her and that your relationship meant a lot to you before saying you’d like to stop seeing each other.
Be honest, but don’t be harsh: “I’ve had a really nice time dating you, but I’m not ready for a commitment,” or “You hurt me, and I don’t think I can move past it.”
Offer to stay in touch if it’s appropriate, but don’t say you want to be friends if you don’t want to.

Part 1

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What Not to Do

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1
Don't break up with your partner by text, phone, or email. If it's possible to break up face-to-face, try to do so. In most cases, breaking up over text or email or even over the phone will come across as disrespectful, and for your soon-to-be ex, it can feel like you're being evasive. Do it privately and in person.^{[1]
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- You might not realize it, but there are benefits to ending a relationship in person. For one thing, it gives both people a chance to talk and reflect on the situation. And even though it will be harder to do, it will most likely lead to less drama, which is a good thing.
- If you're in a long-distance relationship, it might be tricky to end things in person (and you wouldn't want your girlfriend to take a trip to see you only to be broken up with). If you can, arrange a video chat or online conversation with her at a quiet time, and break up then.
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Don't place blame solely on the other person for the breakup. Things are rarely that simple. Be prepared to discuss your relationship without pointing your finger. In an effort to be fair, and to not have your ex-girlfriend feel like she is directly responsible for the end of the relationship, consider mentioning the things that you could have changed to make the relationship better.^{[2]
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- “I think we could have both tried a little harder to meet each other’s needs.”
- “I really like you, but I’m not sure we’re good for one another.”
- “In hindsight, I wasn’t as supportive of you as I should have been, and I’m so sorry. But I think it’s at the point where it’s best to end things.”
- Of course, in some cases, the blame will be solely on the other person. If your girlfriend is cheating, abusing drugs, manipulating you, or increasingly disrespecting you, you can lay the blame directly on her actions, but be aware that this may cause an argument.
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Don't lead your ex on. It might be tempting to tell your ex you want to stay in touch or be friends, but if you don't want to be friends afterward, don't leave the door open for that possibility. Even if you do want to stay in touch, it’s often best to take time apart immediately after a breakup while you both get used to life without the other person.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}
- Find a nice way to say it: instead of “Oh yeah, and I don't want to stay friends afterwards, just so you know,” try something like “You know that I care for you. I just don't think it will be healthy for either of us to stay friends immediately after we break up. Hopefully sometime down the road, when we've both figured stuff out, we can get to that place.”
4
Don't gossip about your breakup to other people. Use discretion when telling mutual friends about your breakup. Not only could bragging or gossiping about the relationship hurt your girlfriend, it could encourage your ex to sling some nasty rumors your way, and generally cause some immature behavior.^{[4]
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- Tell your close friends and rely on them for support as you heal from the breakup, but don't publicize your breakup to acquaintances or people you hardly know.
- It’s possible to inform friends without getting too detailed. You might say: “Hey, I don’t really want to get into it, but Sarah and I broke up yesterday and I thought you should know.”
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Don't be petty during or after the breakup. It can be hard to break up gracefully, especially if your girlfriend did something to make you want to leave the relationship, such as cheating. Being "petty" can be hard to define, but it usually includes acting in ways that you wouldn't want your girlfriend to act with you if she were breaking up with you. Be graceful and compassionate, sensitive and thoughtful. Realize that just because you no longer want to be with your girlfriend doesn’t mean the situation has to be harder than it already is.^{[5]
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- Don't cheat on your ex before you break up with her. If something is simmering between you and another person, really think about your feelings, and break up with your current girlfriend before you do anything with the other person. It will look better to your ex, and feel better for you.

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What to Do

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Pick a private, low-stress time and place to break up. Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Obviously, there's never a perfect time to end a relationship, but right before a celebration, test, or vacation is a bad moment to do it. Give yourself enough time to have a conversation, and try to do it when she doesn't have anything else significant going on afterward. Don’t wait too long, though: it’s easy to find excuses for putting off a breakup, but it’s best to break things off sooner than later.^{[6]
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- It's just like ripping off a bandage—if you rip it off all in one go, the pain will be over quickly, but if you do it slowly, it’ll hurt for longer.
2
Expect to feel a range of emotions when you break up. Even if you’ve gotten used to the idea of ending the relationship, when you finally break up, you may feel a lot of strong feelings. You could experience sadness, anger, or even a lack of emotion.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.} It's okay to experience any and all of these feelings during a breakup. If you feel like showing emotion, don't hold back.^{[8]
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Research source} If the emotion isn't there, for whatever reason, don't force it.
- It’s common to feel grief during and after a breakup. It doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake by ending the relationship—it just means the relationship meant something to you.^{[9]
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  Amy Chan
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}
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Give her a truthful explanation. If possible, plan out what you want to say ahead of time. If you can't come up with a legitimate reason for why you're no longer interested in the relationship, try journaling or talking it through with a friend. It doesn't have to be perfect, but make it authentic and thoughtful. After you explain your reasons for wanting to break up, stay with her while she's processing the information, answering any follow-up questions she may have.^{[10]
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- When explaining the reasons for a breakup, don't compare your relationship to other relationships. Your relationship is your own, and your reasons for breaking up don’t have anything to do with anyone else's relationship.^{[11]
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  Cherlyn Chong
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.}
- “I’ve had such a great time with you, and you’re so special, but we want such different things that I’m not sure we’re really compatible. I’m sorry.”
- “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and it’s just not working for me. I don’t think we have enough in common.”
- “I think our worldviews clash more than I initially realized, and we might both be better off apart.”
4
Resist the urge to argue during the breakup. When someone is being broken up with, there's a good chance they're going to be angry. Don't feed your girlfriend’s anger by provoking, debating, or belittling her. Exes sometimes say very hurtful things when they argue.
- Remember that while breaking up can be an extremely emotional time for you, your girlfriend, who hasn’t had time to prepare for the breakup, may feel even more intense emotions, and she may find it hard to manage them in the moment.^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Amy Chan
  Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}
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Reassure her. If it's appropriate, offer hugs and other appropriate signs of affection if your ex looks like she needs it. Talk about the aspects of her personality that attracted you to her in the beginning, and the traits of hers that stayed strong during the relationship. This way, she won't feel as horrible; it could do something good for her confidence, which will probably be shaken by the breakup.^{[13]
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- You can reassure her while still being honest about why you want to break up. If you want to break up because of something she’s done, you can say so while still reassuring her you care for her and wish her the best.
- “You’re such an amazing girl and I’ve had such a great time with you, but I just think the relationship has run its course.”
- “I know this sucks and I’m so sorry. I just know you’re going to find someone who you’re more compatible with soon.”
- “You’re brilliant, beautiful, funny, and I really care about you—but I just don’t think I can get past what you did, so it’s best we go our separate ways.”
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Offer to talk with her at a later time if she has any questions. Unless you've decided that it's absolutely best to not talk after the breakup, give her the option of discussing things when the situation is a little more calm. This will give you both time to think, and may help her feel like she is also given a chance to get things off her chest.^{[14]
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- “I know this probably came as a shock and you might not fully process it for a while, so if you want to talk more later, I’m here.”
- “Let me know if you’d like to meet up again to talk about this. I don’t want to cut and run, and I want us to both be able to get things off our chest if we need to.”
- “I really care about you, and I hope you understand where I’m coming from. But if you want to talk more later, please let me know. I’m around.”

Additional Help

Breakup Opening Lines

Sample Ways to Get Over a Breakup

Coping with Negative Reactions to a Breakup

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How do you get over your ex?

Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach
Cherlyn Chong is a breakup recovery and dating coach. With 6 years of experience, she specializes in working with high-achieving professional women who want to get over their exes and find love again. She has experience as an official coach for The League dating app, and has been featured on AskMen, Business Insider, Reuters and HuffPost.

Cherlyn Chong

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

When you break up with someone, it can feel like a really long and mountainous journey. If you don't have a compass or a clear path, you may feel lost. To regain direction it's important to make the decision to move on, and start doing seemingly insignificant tasks that bring you forward each day. Ultimately, you have to break the cycle of wallowing, and nobody can break it except you.

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My gf broke up over text. Do I have the right to ask for a face to face? Or should I just let it go? The breakup just came out of nowhere.

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This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

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We're so sorry that happened. That's rough. While it would have been kinder of her to end the relationship in person, it sounds like you might be better off without her. That said, if you feel like you could get some closure from a face-to-face conversation, it may be worth asking her if she's up for it.

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If you started the relationship over the phone and you don't feel confident breaking up in person, is it OK to break up over the phone?

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This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

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In most cases, breaking up in person is the way to go, but if you began the relationship over the phone and much of your relationship took place via phone, breaking up over the phone may work for you, especially if you're long-distance. If you want to make your breakup a bit more personal but can't meet in person, try initiating a video call with your girlfriend.

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Tips

Realize it’s almost guaranteed that she’ll be hurt by the breakup. She might even resent you for a little while. You can try to be as tactful and respectful as possible, but don’t feel guilty: you aren’t responsible for her pain.

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