What if She Says No? How to Handle Rejection from a Girl

We all know that getting rejected hurts, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Ultimately, rejection is more about them than you, and you should never take it personally. We talked to dating coaches, psychologists, and counselors about how to respond to rejection, move forward, and how to take the sting out of it.

Accepting a Rejection from a Girl

Respect her answer, and don’t push it. If you want, you might ask her why, but don’t pressure her, and stay polite.
Say something like, “That’s alright, I’m glad I tried!” or, “Well, I saw you and knew I had to ask, but no harm done,” to accept the rejection gracefully.
Move on from the rejection by letting your feelings out, spending time with people you like, and even by asking someone else out (when you're ready).

Section 1 of 6:

Responding to Rejection

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Remember that rejection is not a personal attack. In most cases, romantic rejection is not a criticism of your character. If a girl decides she doesn't want to date you, it doesn't automatically mean she dislikes you or even finds you unattractive. Though every instance of rejection is different, the common thread is that "you" are not rejected. Rather, your request to date is.^{[1]
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- There are countless reasons she might’ve said no, and most of them have nothing to do with you. She might not be ready for a relationship, or already have her heart set on someone else, for example.
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Thank her for her time, and keep it brief (especially over text). Dating coach Suzanna Matthews says it’s best to get out of there quickly and “alleviate discomfort.” This is especially true if you were rejected by text. Though it might sting, staying polite is the right thing to do. Besides, if you’re rude now, word might spread, and that doesn’t help your chances in the future. Give her a quick and polite goodbye. For example:
- “No worries, worth a shot!”
- “I can respect that. Thanks anyway.”
- “Thanks for your honesty. See you around!”
- “I get it, and I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
- “Well, wish me luck next time!”
- “All good, and take care.”
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Be kind to your crush even if things feel awkward. If your crush is someone you see a lot, it's normal to experience some awkwardness after a rejection. Over time, you and your crush’s nerves will cool down and your normal friendship can resume. Until then, try to be as kind, friendly, and polite to your crush as you can.^{[2]
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- Say "hi" when you see her, and smile and ask how she is if you're nearby.
- Just treat her like a friend and eventually you'll feel better around one another.
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Ask her out again in a few months if you think her feelings might change. Even if a girl rejects you once, you may still be able to date her in the future. Just be sure to respect her boundaries and her choice, if the rejection was firm.^{[3]
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Research source} Give your crush as much personal space as she needs and try to be a good friend. If you and her grow closer, or if she starts flirting with you, consider asking her out again.
- Give her at least a few months before trying again, and keep in mind that if you keep asking her, she may not want to be around you at all.
- That said, keep in mind that though it may work in the movies, relentlessly pursuing a girl even after she says “no” comes off as creepy and incredibly disrespectful.

Section 2 of 6:

Moving Forward after a Rejection

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Give yourself time to grieve. Registered counselor Cameron Gibson tells us that it’s important to not suppress your emotions. After the rejection, don’t be afraid to feel any feelings that come your way. Sadness, anger, fear, and similar emotions are all natural parts of rejection, and working through them now will make it far easier to move on in the future.^{[4]
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- Don’t be afraid to cry or shout when you're alone. Put on some music, pump it loud, and let those feelings flow.
EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Rejection is a normal part of dating—everyone goes through it! It can be hard, but it's not the end of the world. To help process your emotions, chat with friends and confide in loved ones about how you're feeling. You don't have to go through rejection alone!
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Remind yourself that rejection happens to everyone. Rejection is an unavoidable part of the dating game. It’s something that everybody deals with and, if you want to go out with someone, you’ll have to face the possibility that they might say no. Before asking a girl out, remind yourself that:^{[5]
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- Rejection is a normal part of life.
- Everybody gets rejected from time to time.
- Getting rejected is not a personal failure.
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Talk it out with a trusted friend. Gibson recommends that you “find a safe person to talk to,” whether that means venting to a friend or a family member, or going to counseling or a therapist. Sharing your emotions with a supportive, understanding person can make a huge difference in your mental well-being.
- If you don’t have anyone to talk to, write your feelings down in a journal. What’s important is that those inside feelings get set free.
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Spend time with people you like. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz says, “Sometimes rejection is the universe’s protection.” A rejection can be a blessing in disguise if it helps you find happiness in other people's company. To get out of your rejection funk, spend quality time with friends and go to social events you normally wouldn't. If you’re feeling up to it, ask a different crush out or go on a blind date.^{[6]
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- While pursuing new relationships, you may find someone you like even more than your previous crush.
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Keep yourself busy by pursuing personal interests. To start off, try picking up a brand new hobby or an old pastime that you haven’t touched in a while. If that isn’t enough to take your mind off things, try setting a personal goal you want to achieve. The busier you are, the easier time you’ll have getting over the rejection. Some major goals you can occupy yourself with include:^{[7]
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- Training to participate in a 5K or other athletic event.
- Creating a work of art like a short story, a painting, or even a short film or skit.
- Learning an entirely new skill like cooking or woodworking.

Section 3 of 6:

Asking a Girl Out When You’re Afraid of Rejection

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Put yourself back out there when you’re ready. Once you’ve had time to brush off the dust, don’t let that first rejection keep you from asking someone else out!^{[8]
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Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

Go to source} Remember that it’s kind of a numbers game: everyone faces rejection, but you only need 1 “yes” to change your life forever, no matter how many people say “no.”
- Keep in mind that the first rejection was valuable experience. The world didn’t end, did it? No! So pick yourself up and try again.
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Remind yourself that she could say either yes or no. Gibson tells us not to avoid the possibility of rejection. Instead, embrace it! When asking a girl out, remember that she has the right to say “no” for any reason at all, just like you have the right to say “no” when somebody asks you out. Remind yourself to stay calm if she says no.
- It helps to put yourself in her shoes. Would you accept an advance from just anyone? Probably not, so why should she? Remember: It’s not personal!
- Treat it like an exercise. If she says no, then you’ll have gained some valuable experience, and won’t be so nervous in the future.
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Ask her out as clearly as you can. When the time comes, dating coach Crista Beck says to “make sure that [you’re] inviting them to a very clear date.” Approach your crush with confidence and ask her to go on a date with you. Make sure she knows that you're asking her out for romantic reasons and not as a friend. Just be as honest and genuine as possible about how you feel.
- If possible, ask your crush out on a specific date. For example, ask “Do you want to go to a movie?” instead of “Do you want to hang out?”
- Even if you’re scared, try not to procrastinate. Doing so will make you more nervous about the possibility of rejection.
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Accept your crush’s answer. If your crush says “no,” don't ask her to reconsider by saying things like "Are you sure?" Instead, accept the decision she made. By doing so, you’ll maintain her respect and earn some closure for yourself.^{[9]
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- If she says no, say something like, "Ok, thanks for telling me" or "Cool, I hope we can still be friends."
- If your crush is mean to you or tries to embarrass you after you ask her out, it’s a sign of her own personal insecurities. End the conversation politely and get out of there; you dodged a bullet!

Section 4 of 6:

Why was I rejected?

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It probably has more to do with her than with you. When you reject someone, it’s not really because of them, but because you have your own vision for a perfect partner. That means that rejection has less to do with the person who was rejected, and more with the person doing the rejecting. When you get rejected, remember that there are plenty of reasons she might have said no that aren’t related to you, such as:^{[10]
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- She is too busy to date.
- She has a different sexual orientation than you.
- She is working through personal or emotional issues.
- She already has a significant other.
- She has a crush on someone else.
- She enjoys being single.
- She is not interested in relationships.
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Ask her why she turned you down, but don’t push it. “If they do reject you,” Beck says, “you can politely ask for a reason.” Generally, it’s best to just shrug it off and move on. If you’re really dying to know, though, you might ask her politely, and emphasize that there’s no pressure to answer. If you’re kind and earnest, she might offer some tips or advice from her perspective. For example, say:
- “I totally respect the no, and won’t ask again. Out of curiosity, though, can I ask why?”
- “Can I ask why? No pressure, but I’m trying to be sure I’m not giving off bad vibes or anything.”

Section 5 of 6:

Why does rejection hurt?

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But the secret is that this feeling isn’t the truth. Dr. Schewitz reminds us that, in reality, “It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy or you’re not good enough if somebody rejects you, it just means there wasn’t a good match between the two of you.” And if you’re not a good fit for each other, the relationship wouldn’t have been very great, anyway, so you’re actually saving yourself some time and heartache.

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Key Takeaways

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Rejection hurts, but it doesn’t hurt forever. The first few times you’re rejected, it’s easy to feel down and hard on yourself. But the truth is that rejection isn’t personal, and you shouldn’t take it to heart. People are like puzzle pieces, and all it means is that you didn’t fit, not that you’re unworthy. With time, practice, and patience, you’ll land the girl of your dreams, but you have to keep putting yourself out there!
- Let yourself feel your feelings for a while.
- Talk to people you trust and love to vent it out.
- Focus on things other than romance for a while to get your confidence back.
- Make another move when you’re ready, and when you find someone new.

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Question

What do I do if I constantly meet nice women like me that are already in relationships?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

This can be frustrating, but remember that everyone won't always be in a relationship! Try to subtly find out the person's relationship status before asking them out, to avoid being rejected. Listen closely to what they say; people in a relationship will often talk about their partner casually, making this clue easy to miss.

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Question

What do you do when the girl rejects you and then goes on to say hurtful things? This has happened to me more than once...

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

If a girl feels the need to say hurtful things, walk away. It may be hard to see it, but this is less about you personally and more a sign of her own issues. Go talk to a friend or family member and focus on turning your attention somewhere else.

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