How to Build Intimacy with a Man

Written by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC | Edited by Amy Bobinger, BA

Last Updated: December 17, 2024 Fact Checked

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When you first start dating a guy, you might feel like you should automatically have a deep emotional and physical connection. The truth is, it usually takes time to work up to being really intimate. Also, since men are often taught to hide their emotions, it can be especially hard for them to be vulnerable. Luckily, our guide has tips to help the two of you open up to each other so you can enjoy the close, secure bond you're looking for.

This article is based on an interview with our marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Do something physical together.

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Get into your body and out of your head. If you catch yourself overthinking things, try planning a fun activity where the two of you can use your bodies.^{[1]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.} Working out is always a great option—not only are you spending quality time together, but exercising together can help boost intimacy and trust in a relationship.^{[2]
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Research source} Other activities might include:
- Taking a dance class
- Going for a hike
- Arm wrestling
- Playing video games
- Playing a sport

2

Try something neither of you have done before.

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Getting out of your comfort zone can bring you closer. Whether you're in a new relationship or you've been together for decades, look for fun new activities you can do together. It's a good way to be vulnerable together, and the process of learning and laughing together is a great bonding experience.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.}
- Try taking a dance class, cooking a new dish together, or playing a sport neither of you have tried before.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Nicole Moore
  Love & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}

3

Touch him frequently.

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Physical contact can actually help the two of you feel closer. Start small—even casual touches can help build intimacy. For instance, you might give him a long hug when you see him or put your hand on his arm when he says something funny. As the two of you get closer, you might do things like holding hands or cuddling while you watch a movie, or giving each other massages after a long day.^{[5]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- Physical touch can actually be good for your overall health, so you'll both get a benefit beyond the boost to your intimacy.^{[6]
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  Research source}

4

Make sexual intimacy a priority.

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Sexual intimacy involves being vulnerable. Just because you're sleeping together doesn't necessarily mean you're being sexually intimate. To really be intimate with each other, you have to get comfortable talking about what you do and don't like.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Also, wild sex is definitely fun sometimes, but don't forget that lovemaking is also a really important part of an intimate relationship.
- Try asking questions like, "What gets you in the mood?" or, "Is there anything you've always wanted to try in bed but haven't done?"
- Don't be afraid to initiate sex. It may feel a little awkward if you're not used to doing it, but it can be as simple as saying, "Hey, want to turn off the TV and go cuddle?"^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Nicole Moore
  Love & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Keep him on his toes by surprising him with a flirty note, a steamy selfie, or by acting out one of his fantasies.
- Remember that physical and sexual intimacy doesn’t exclusively mean intercourse. Make it a point to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands with your partner whenever possible.
- Reader Poll: We asked 732 wikiHow readers who have a romantic partner, and 57% of them agreed that they feel most physically intimate when kissing. [Take Poll] So to deepen your connection, try building up sex with a long, romantic makeout session.

5

Stay present in the moment.

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Fully engage with your guy when he's around. One of the most important things you can do to make someone feel close to you is to give them your full attention. You don't necessarily have to be locked onto him 24/7, but make sure there are a few times a day where you turn off your devices and make your guy the center of your focus.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source

HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

Go to source}
- Make it a point to practice being present during conversations, meals, quality time, and special occasions.
- Try not to get lost in your thoughts while you're with him—being anxious or focusing too much on the future can make it hard to enjoy the time you're together, and that can keep you from connecting on a deeper level.
EXPERT TIP

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist

Staying present like this really is one of the best ways to build intimacy. If you catch yourself projecting your expectations and wishes onto your partner, try to slow down and focus on letting the two of you be present. Let your partner be themselves as much as possible.

6

Ask open-ended questions to get him to open up.

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Dig deeper, even if you've known him for a while. Avoid asking questions that can easily be answered with "yes" or "no."^{[10]
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Research source} Instead, try asking questions that will encourage him to elaborate on his answer. That way, you'll get more insight into his personality, past, and likes or dislikes.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.} For instance, instead of asking a question like, "Do you like pizza?" you might ask, "What's your favorite pizza topping?" Other questions might include:
- "What's your favorite childhood memory?"
- "Where would you go if you could travel anywhere?"
- "What's your favorite famous painting?"
- "What do you picture yourself doing once you retire?"

7

Be a great listener.

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Make him feel like you really hear him. Since it can be hard for some guys to open up, make sure he knows that you want to hear everything he has to say. When he's talking, turn to face him and make eye contact, and ask follow-up questions to show you're following along.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.} If he feels like what he says is important to you, he'll likely feel more comfortable opening up over time.^{[13]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- For instance, if he's telling a story about work, you might say something like, "Is that the same Jeffrey who brought his cat to the company picnic?"
- If he's talking to you about something that happened in his past, you might say, "It sounds like that was a really upsetting time for you."

8

Give him personal, meaningful compliments.

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Point out things you like about his personality or accomplishments. Anybody can give a compliment based on someone's looks, but if you really want to show this guy that you get him, try complimenting him on something deeper.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.} If he feels like you see him in a way that other people haven't before, he'll automatically feel a closer connection to you, and it may make him more comfortable opening up more.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.} Try saying something like:
- "I'm so impressed by how passionate you are about your work. It's really inspiring to see someone doing what they love."
- "You know so much about cars, but when you talk to me about it, I feel like it's so easy to understand!"
- "You're the best listener. I can talk to you about anything."

9

Accept him for who he is.

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Show him that you won't judge him for opening up. As your guy opens up to you, be really careful not to judge or criticize him for sharing parts of himself that are less than perfect. If you can treat him with unconditional love, even when he's not at his best, it will be easier for him to be vulnerable with you.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Be especially sensitive if he shares any insecurities, fears, or past hurts. It can sometimes be really hard for guys to admit those feelings, because society tells them they need to be strong and stoic.^{[17]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
  Licensed Relationship Therapist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}

10

Be yourself around him.

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Being real with each other is the only way to be truly intimate.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.} From your little quirks to your biggest passions, don't be afraid to be unapologetically you. Not only will this give him the chance to appreciate you for exactly you who are, but it will also signal to him that he can be himself around you.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.}
- Are you naturally boisterous? Don't reign yourself in around him, even if he's the quiet type! Just be sure to make space for him to express his feelings too.
- Don't overthink things—just express what you think and feel sincerely. If you hate action movies, tell him. If you love a song, sing along when it comes on the radio.
- It can be a little hard to be vulnerable sometimes, but it's an important part of strengthening the intimacy in your relationship.^{[20]
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  Research source}

11

Be patient as intimacy develops.

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Intimacy doesn't usually happen right away. You have to learn that you can trust each other, and that can take time. Don't rush yourself, and definitely don't rush him—people only open up when they're ready, and adding pressure will probably make him close off. Instead, enjoy the process of opening up to each other gradually. Over time, if the two of you are a good fit, you'll find that you've both gotten more comfortable being intimate with each other.^{[21]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.}
- If you feel like your relationship is all about sex and it's hard for the two of you to be emotionally vulnerable with each other, take a step back. Plan a few daytime outings or other non-sexual dates so you can get to know each other on a more intimate level.^{[22]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}

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