This article was co-authored by Casey Lee and by wikiHow staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Casey Lee is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Founder of Rooted Hearts Counseling LLC. With over a decade of experience, he specializes in facilitating growth and healing through co-creating safe and secure connections with couples. Casey holds an MA in Clinical Counseling from Columbia International University and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) which he uses with all his couples. He is also a Level 2 Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapist (AEDP) Therapist and a Level 1 trained Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Therapist. Casey is a member of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, the National Board of Certified Counselors, and an affiliate member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
There are 13 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 305,636 times.
Being mistreated by someone is painful, and it can be hard to navigate when a family member hurts you. Whether the person did one really unforgivable thing or you’re ready to walk away from a pattern of abusive behavior, sometimes cutting ties with your family member is the best thing you can do for your mental health. It’s not always easy, but you can begin to move on by setting clear boundaries and turning to the people who love you. In this article, we’ll outline how you can create distance and know when it’s time to cut ties with a family member.
Severing Ties with a Family Member
Meet your family member in a neutral, public place and calmly explain how it’s not in your best interest to see or contact them. Say something like, “I think I need some time alone,” or “It may be best if we take a break from each other.” If you decide to resume contact, set boundaries for respectful behavior.
Steps
Expert Q&A
-
QuestionHow do you deal with hurtful family members?Adam Dorsay, PsyDDr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx SpeakerSet boundaries and stick to them! If you have a toxic family member, know what your boundaries are, including what will you say yes to, and what is a definite no. Every time you say yes to something that is an absolute no, a piece of you begins to beat yourself up. This leads to an internal and external cycle of consent and resent.
Reader Videos
Tips
-
You may occasionally run into the family member at holiday functions or a family reunion. If they try to talk to you, walk away. If you feel you must say something, say something like, “This isn't the time or place for this conversation.”Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
- ↑ https://www.aarp.org/relationships/grandparenting/info-02-2011/mediation_can_resolve_grandparent_visitation_disputes.html
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-deplete-me-10-steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/a5714/letting-go-of-a-relative-119332/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-dealing-the-toxic-people-in-your-life
- ↑ https://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/a5714/letting-go-of-a-relative-119332/
- ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-dealing-the-toxic-people-in-your-life
- ↑ https://growcounseling.com/rationalization-unhealthy/
- ↑ https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/health/what-is-self-care
- ↑ https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/11/cut-ties-family-advice.html
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries
- ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-dealing-the-toxic-people-in-your-life
- ↑ https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/signs-time-cut-toxic-family-ties/story?id=27278012
- ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/why-its-okay-cut-toxic-family-members-out-your-life
- ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
- ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/why-its-okay-cut-toxic-family-members-out-your-life
- ↑ https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/signs-time-cut-toxic-family-ties/story?id=27278012
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-dealing-the-toxic-people-in-your-life
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-with-autism-spectrum-disorder/202008/5-signs-its-time-to-cut-yourself-off-from-your
- ↑ https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/abuse-safety/physical-abuse/
About This Article
To cut ties with a family member who hurt you, be clear and straightforward about wanting to have distance from that person. You can say something like “I don’t want to see you or hear from you.” It’s up to you if you want to explain what, exactly, they did wrong, or if you would rather give them an overview, like saying “I’m tired of your hurtful words, followed by a lack of apologies.” If confronting the person face-to-face is too stressful, then consider writing a letter or an email instead. You’ll also want to consider other family members and how they’ll be impacted to this decision. For example, if you have children, set clear boundaries as to whether or not your family member can contact them. To learn how to set healthy boundaries for future relationships, keep reading!
Reader Success Stories
-
"This article helped me a lot. I was able to walk away from a toxic relationship I had with my mom and sister. I have been struggling to let go all my life, but now I realized I don't need to be in their lives just because they are family."..." more