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Consider these key issues before you commit
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You deserve a romantic partner that ticks every box and raises every green flag. And while red flags are one thing, deal breakers are just that—do not pass go, do not collect $200, bid farewell, and wish them the best. Life’s too short not to protect your own peace, which is why we’ve put together a list of the top romantic deal breakers to watch out for, and advice on how to deal with them if you’re only just now discovering them in your partner.

Things You Should Know

  • Walk away from anyone who ignores your concerns, looks down on your ambitions, or doesn’t give you the attention you deserve.
  • Don’t compromise on major lifestyle differences, like wanting kids, financial habits, or political or religious beliefs.
  • Stay away from anyone with a history of abuse. If you think you’re being abused, seek help from a friend or a counselor.
1

You have different expectations for having kids.

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  1. Don’t forget to bring this up early. You want kids and the clock is ticking, but your partner seems to shy away from the subject. Or, maybe kids are the last thing you see for yourself, but it’d mean the world to your significant other. Kids are a huge commitment, one that’s worth finding the right partner for. If you can’t see eye-to-eye on this, it may be time to consider parting ways.[1]
    • Your partner may have valid concerns for how they feel. Don’t dismiss the issue altogether. Rather, ask them why they feel that way, and express your own desires clearly.
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2

You don’t agree on financial issues.

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  1. One thing too many couples neglect is the money talk. Before diving into a relationship, ask them how they’d handle your joint finances. How you save and spend your money is up to you, but if your potential (or current) partner is fiscally careless or, sometimes worse, demands greater control of your own income, there may be bumpy roads ahead.[2]
    • Don’t be afraid to keep your income in your own private accounts until you get a read on how they spend their money, or until you can solve your current relationship finances.
3

Your politics or religions are too different.

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  1. Inter-religious relationships can totally work, but when the very fabric of your morals starts to clash, things might be at a breaking point. There are some things that you just won’t—or shouldn’t—budge on, and the two of you may never see eye to eye.[3]
    • Your personal beliefs affect every part of your life, and your partner’s life, including your relationship. Take these differences seriously, and have a heart-to-heart to explore how they might affect you.
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4

There’s no plan for the future.

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  1. Some people found their groove and they’re perfectly happy dancing to it. But others have no groove and aren’t very interested in finding one, either. An unambitious partner can drag your own ambitions down. On top of that, a partner who doesn’t seem to care if your relationship is going anywhere is just a romantic anchor keeping you from sailing bluer seas.[4]
    • Suggest some hobbies to do together, like getting into a new art or a club sport. If they don’t show any enthusiasm for the idea, it’s time for you to sail into the sunset.
5

You can’t do long distance.

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  1. And that’s understandable! Long-distance relationships place some unique strains on a romance. You won’t touch them for long periods, and it might be harder just to keep in touch. Don’t feel guilty for wanting something more immediate.[5]
    • If you’re unsure about trying long-distance, but want to, make your anxieties clear to your partner. It’s easier to work through it if you both know where you stand.
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6

They don’t support your ambitions.

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  1. You just finished your manuscript, or tried out for that team, or you want to go back to school. Except your partner doesn’t seem to care. Or worse, they don’t think you need those things. Your life is your own, and if they won’t cheer you on as you go out and grab it, then they don’t have a place in it.[6]
7

There’s no communication.

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  1. Your words go in one ear and out the other. Or maybe it seems like everything they do is a total surprise, with no warning, and you’re left in the dark. Even small discussions seem to break down into hurt feelings or silence. It’s a bit trite, but it’s true: communication is key. Otherwise, what’s the point of romance?[7]
    • Practice your own communication skills by saying what you mean, using “I” or “we” statements when talking about your relationship, and hearing your partner out, even if it’s difficult.
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10

You’re just not attracted to them.

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11

They won’t stop flaking on important plans.

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13

You just can’t trust them.

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15

They ignore your concerns.

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  1. Your partner should be one of the first people you turn to to talk about tough issues—politics, culture, even problems in your own relationship.[15] If you can’t sit them down every once in a while for a serious chat, then your communication isn’t there from the get go. You can’t find compromises when your partner won’t address the issue to begin with.
    • Ask your partner why they don’t want to talk about these things. There may be valid underlying issues like trauma or anxiety to speak with a therapist about.
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16

They like to argue a bit too much.

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17

They’re still obsessed with their ex.

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  1. Look, we’ve all got some sort of history. That’s just how the dating game works. But some people get back into the game before they’re ready, which doesn’t give their new relationship a fair shot at thriving. Worse, it can make you feel like you’re second to someone who isn’t even in the picture anymore.
    • If this applies to your partner, take a break to let them sort things out. It doesn’t have to spell the end of the relationship, but it shouldn’t affect your happiness, either.
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23

They don’t want help with substance abuse.

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  1. Addiction is a disease, and people suffering from addiction deserve your respect and sympathy. But dating someone who doesn’t want to get better is taxing, and doesn’t make for a healthy relationship. If they show no desire to help themselves, hold off on romance until they do.[22]
    • Make an effort to help an addicted partner with things like counseling or supporting them through rehab. But if you’ve done all you can do, don’t be too hard on yourself for protecting your own peace.
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24

They have a history of cheating.

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  1. People are a bit more complicated than the old adage, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” but we won’t deny that it’s a tough hurdle to overcome in a relationship. If they have a history of cheating on their past partners, tread lightly, and don’t be too surprised if it happens to you. If they cheat on you, we won’t blame you for walking out the door.[23]
    • To heal a relationship after cheating, take some time apart, and be transparent and frank with your emotions. Don’t feel like you need to stay just because they feel guilty.
25

They have a history of physical or verbal abuse.

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  1. Of all the entries on this list, this is the one with no room for compromise. Someone who uses physical or emotional violence or manipulation to get their way should be avoided at all costs. Learn to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, and get out at the first opportunity.[24]
    • If you’re currently experiencing abuse, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor for help dealing with emotional or physical abuse.
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About This Article

John Keegan
Co-authored by:
Relationships Coach
This article was co-authored by John Keegan and by wikiHow staff writer, Luke Smith, MFA. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 18,433 times.
1 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 3
Updated: August 8, 2024
Views: 18,433
Categories: Relationships
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 18,433 times.

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