How to Deal With Friends That Hurt You

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: December 14, 2024 References

Sometimes, no matter how close you are with someone, your friend may say or do something hurtful. It's usually unintentional (though it may be deliberate), but it's often made worse by the fact that the person is your friend. Learning how to control your reaction and communicate with your friend can help you repair your friendship and move past whatever may have happened between you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Controlling Your Reaction

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1
Remain composed. You may not be able to control the way you feel, but you can control the way you respond. Managing what you say and do in a tense moment can help minimize the chances of a full-blown argument erupting.
- Recognize your anger. It's important to acknowledge how you're feeling if you hope to move away from those feelings.
- When you speak or act out of anger, you're likely to say or do something equally hurtful to your friend. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings can help you avoid a heated exchange.
2
Walk away from the situation. If you are able to leave the situation, even temporarily, it may be best to do so. Going for a walk can help clear your head and give you time to calm down. It can also give your friend time to calm down and think about how he may have hurt you.
- Speaking/acting out of anger can also lead to damaging arguments. Remember that you cannot take back what you say in a moment of anger, but you can choose whether or not to speak in the moment.
- Let your friend know that you're going for a walk to calm down, but will return. Otherwise your friend may think you're simply leaving abruptly and grow concerned.
- Only walk if it is safe to do so. Don't try walking near a highway, for example, or any place that does not have a sidewalk or car-free path.
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3
Use calming methods. Whether you're able to go for a walk or simply need to leave the room for a few minutes, you should use that time to focus on calming strategies. Resist the temptation to ruminate on how your friend hurt you, and instead focus on getting calm as soon as possible.
- Use deep breathing. Take deep breaths through your diaphragm (under your rib cage) instead of shallow breathing through your chest to establish a slower, more calming breathing pattern.^{[1]
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- Think about something calming or enjoyable to take your focus away from the feelings of frustration.
- Repeat calming phrases to yourself, like "Breathing in will calm me down" or "This will not matter in six months," to help you move away from feelings of anger and resentment.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Is My Friend Toxic?

Friendships are all about offering support, sharing love, and keeping the good vibes flowing… but lately, your friend doesn’t seem to pass the vibe check. Could the friendship be turning toxic, or is your friendship just going through a rough patch? Take this quiz to find out!

1 of 12

How often does your friend flake on plans?

Constantly! They almost always cancel at the last minute.

Frequently. I might as well flip a coin to see if they show up.

Occasionally. They usually have a good excuse, though.

Never. If they give me their word, I know they’ll be there.

Part 2

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Addressing Your Friend's Behavior

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1
Address the behavior directly.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Once you're calm and can speak without anger, you'll need to sit down with your friend to discuss what happened. Remember that you should not be hostile or confrontational. Simply sit down alone together and speak directly about what happened.^{[3]
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- Make sure you are completely calm when you sit down with your friend to discuss the incident.
- Tell your friend that what he said was hurtful.
- Don't use declarative, absolute statements. Instead use "I" statements, such as "I felt really insulted when you said that about me" or "I felt like you were being very disrespectful by saying that."
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Recognize patterns of hurtful behavior.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} It's possible that you may not have noticed your friend engaging in his hurtful/damaging behavior in the past. It's also very likely that your friend has never noticed it, or is not aware of it. There are many forms of hurtful behavior, but six main categories cover some of the most common types that you should recognize and be aware of:
- character assassinations - generalizations used to depict or define someone as always being bad/undesirable
- threats of abandonment - using hurtful, threatening statements to imply disinterest or abandonment in order to make someone else feel worthless
- invalidations - generalizations used to invalidate someone else's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs
- threats of exile - telling someone else directly that you do not want them in your life (similar to threats of abandonment, but even more damaging/insulting)
- hostile challenges - questioning someone else's ability to think, feel, or behave in a given way (including excessive and frequent sarcasm)
- preaching - attempting to use an absolute, unquestionable source/hierarchy to prove a point and put someone else down^{[5]
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3
Confront repeated behavior. Whether your friend repeatedly hurts you with actions or with mean, hateful words, the result is the same: embarrassment, resentment, and alienation. If you recognize any of the patterns of hurtful behavior in your friend, let him know the first time it happens (or the first time you recognize it as such) that what he did is not okay.
- Assess your surroundings. If there's a chance your friend might resort to physical acts of violence, or if others may join him against you, do not confront him then and there.^{[6]
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- Recognize that repeated incidents of hurtful behavior scar your relationship, and the more often it happens the worse you'll feel towards the other person.^{[7]
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- Ask your friend how he would feel if someone he values (for example, his parents, his spiritual leader, etc.) were to see him engaging in his current behavior. Would he be embarrassed?
- Point out other times that your friend has engaged in this hurtful behavior, preferably once he's calmed down. Let him know that you see it as a pattern of bad behavior, and that he needs to change if he wants to remain friends.
- If it happens again, remind your friend that you've talked to him about his behavior. Let him know that you won't passively condone his behavior, and tell him that as his friend you need him to address these issues.
4
Let your friend respond. Dialogue is important in conflict resolution. You can't just talk at your friend about how rude he was, just as you wouldn't want him to continue talking at you without any chance to respond.
- Give your friend a chance to explain himself, and be open to what he has to say.^{[8]
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  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Your friend may have spoken from a place of pain, and probably didn't mean what he said. Or it's possible that it was a complete misunderstanding, and that your friend didn't intend his words to be taken that way to begin with.
- Let your friend process what you've said, give his own response, and trust that he will change his behavior going forward.^{[9]
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Remain compassionate.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} As you address your friend's behavior, it's important to remain compassionate as best you can. After all, the person is still your friend, and you most likely have a long history together.
- Give your friend the benefit of the doubt, and try not to hold any anger towards him.
- Don't ignore hurtful comments/actions, but address them calmly and compassionately.
- Remember that many people who hurt others do so because they themselves are hurting or frightened. When you keep that in perspective, it's easier to feel bad for someone who's hurt you.
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Decide if the friendship can stand. If someone has hurt you, you may be thinking about cutting that person out of your life altogether. But experts warn that that may be an extreme reaction to an incident of hurt feelings.^{[11]
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Research source} Only you can decide whether you'll be able to move past the hurt, but most people find that with a little time and patience all can be forgiven.
- Unless your friend did something devastating or life-shattering (like an act of physical violence or real emotional abuse), you may want to consider reconciling with your friend.
- Recognize symptoms of emotional abuse: if your friend swears/yells at you, bullies you, degrades you, threatens you, or controls you, he is engaging in emotional abuse. You should not stand to be emotionally abused by anyone, especially not a friend or partner.^{[12]
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  University of Rochester Medical Center
  Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
  
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- If your friend engages in or threatens you with acts of violence, stay away from him, as he may be dangerous.
- If you truly believe that your friend will not be able to correct his behavior, and that he will continue to hurt you without regard for your feelings, you may need to think about ending the friendship.
- Give this decision time. Just as you avoided speaking in the heat of the moment, you should give yourself a few days before saying anything if you're thinking about ending the friendship.
- Avoiding your friend for a few days may be enough for you to realize that you value his friendship and want to make amends. Give it time, and talk over your plan with a trusted friend or relative before talking to the friend who hurt you.

Part 3

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Moving Past Your Hurt Feelings

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1
Reflect on the situation. After you've had some time to cool down and you've talked to your friend about the way he hurt you, you may want to reflect on everything that's happened. That doesn't mean fixating on your hurt feelings or endlessly replaying the situation in your head. Instead, you should reflect for a moment on everything that's happened between you and your friend to try and understand the situation better.^{[13]
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- Think about the objective facts of the situation. Don't take your feelings into account, just think about what was actually said or done, and what your friend's intentions might have been.
- Reflect on how you reacted. Did you handle it well? Did you manage your feelings as well as you could have and avoid escalating the conflict?
- Think about any ways the conflict may have affected your life. This can include your sense of self esteem and wellbeing.
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Choose to let go of hurt feelings.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} The first step in letting go of painful feelings is making a conscious decision. You can either hold on to feelings of anger and pain, or you can choose to let it go and move on with your life. That doesn't mean ignoring your pain - it simply means acknowledging that you were hurt and choosing not to live in the past.
- When you make the decision to stop reliving the past and rehashing the details of your pain, you can begin to heal from the hurtful experience.
- Making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings can give you a feeling of control. It can help you recognize that you have a choice over what controls your life.
3
Stop seeing yourself as a victim. This can be incredibly difficult to do, as your hurt feelings will linger even after you've let go of anger or resentment. If your friend hurt you, it may seem reasonable to see yourself as a victim. But that type of mentality only maintains the power that your friend and/or the situation hold over your life.^{[15]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- Seeing yourself as a victim can maintain your status as a victim. Your friend (or former friend, as the case may be) will remain a dominating presence in your mind and in your life.
- Once you stop defining your life by how you were hurt, you'll begin to feel better about your situation and your life in general. This can take time, of course, but it's well worth it.
4
Forgive and move on. Forgiveness may not come easy, especially if you were hurt in a significant way. But it's an important part of moving on from painful experiences, and it will ultimately give you greater mental health and happiness.
- Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forget. It does, however, mean that you need to stop holding on to feelings of anger and resentment.
- Forgiveness is the next logical step after choosing to let go of your hurt and your sense of victimhood. Without forgiveness, you may never fully let go of the pain.
- Forgiving your friend also requires you to forgive yourself. If you had any part in the incident, or if you ended up saying something out of anger, you need to let that go as well.
- Once you've forgiven everyone involved, you'll be free to truly move on. Whether you continue the friendship or not, with time you will move past the painful experience completely.

Expert Q&A

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Question

What do I say to a friend that hurt me?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

The best thing you can do is be completely honest with them so they completely understand how you're feeling and what they can do to change. Just be sure you listen to them and be considerate if they also have something to say.

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Be honest to yourself, if this person isn't a good friend, let them go.

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Remember that you are friends for a reason. Try not to let one isolated incident ruin your friendship.

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Try laughing off minor insults. If it happens again, then you may want to calmly (but firmly) tell your friend that what he says is hurting your feelings.

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Warnings

Do not tolerate abuse. Whether it's emotional or physical abuse, you should not let your friend continue to hurt you. If this happens, you may want to think about ending the friendship for your own safety.

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Never resort to violence or aggression. Don't even respond with angry words. Let yourself calm down, and talk things over in a friendly back-and-forth dialogue.

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Never speak or act out of anger.

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