How to Handle a Friendship Breakup with Your Best Friend

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Plus how to interact with an ex-friend when you *do* have to see them

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Sophie Burkholder, BA

Last Updated: October 26, 2024 Fact Checked

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• Getting Over a Friendship Breakup
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• Interacting with an Ex-BFF
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• Dealing with Drama
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• Should you reconnect?
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• Why are friend breakups so hard?
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• Former Best Friend Quotes
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• Expert Q&A

|Show more |Show less

Ending a relationship with your best friend is sometimes harder than ending a relationship with a lover or family member. When these friendships fall apart, you have to make time to take care of yourself, learn to cope with your feelings, and (eventually) move on. Healing from friendship breakups and having to deal with your ex-best friend may not be easy, but these tips will help you cope with the emotions and work toward happier future friendships. Plus, we’ve included expert advice from licensed psychologists Dr. Asa Don Brown and Dr. Adam Dorsay.

Dealing with a Former Best Friend

In the immediate aftermath of a friend breakup, let yourself grieve and focus on your other relationships and things that bring you joy. Get some distance from your ex-friend and avoid them as much as possible. If you have to see them, be brief and polite and avoid engaging in drama or negative badmouthing.

Steps

Section 1 of 6:

How to Get Over a Former Best Friend

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1. 1
   Take time to grieve the former friendship. “You have experienced a loss,” assures Dr. Brown, “and you have experienced the heaviness that is not uncommon with a loss.” Friendship breakups sometimes feel even harder than romantic breakups, so you’re allowed to feel sad, wallow, and grieve—regardless of what side of the conflict or breakup you were on. Take a few days or a couple of weeks to really be down in the dumps about the end of your friendship, then do whatever you’d normally do to get over a romantic ex.

   • Eat guilty pleasure treats, seek out quality time with your loved ones, spend time doing your favorite hobbies, watch your favorite tearjerker films, and get plenty of rest.
2. 2
   Reframe the story to consider both sides—without beating yourself up. After a friendship breakup, you might be placing a lot of blame on yourself or on your friend, depending on the situation. Even if you were the one to dump a friend, you might feel a sense of shame for not being able to work through the issues in your relationship or having a so-called “failed” friendship.

   • Take a moment to step back and look at the situation objectively—try to see your ex-best friend’s perspective and how they might be feeling, and avoid beating yourself up over anything you did to lead to the dissolution of the friendship.
   • While it’s great to take a look at areas you could work on in order to be a better friend, it does more harm than good to spiral about being a bad person or bad friend, especially if your best friend was the one to end things.
   • Instead, reflect on how both you and your friend contributed to your conflicts, and keep in mind that everyone has relational traits they can work on—and no one has kept every single friend they’ve ever made in their life!
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3. 3
   Write your friend a letter or email to create a sense of closure. To be happy, you will need to acknowledge your feelings, process them, and move on to the next stage of your life. Write a letter or email to your friend that expresses all of your feelings. Keep it brief but sincere—you might explain why the friendship ended, how it made you feel, and clearly state that it’s over. Try to use kind and neutral language—this letter isn’t the place for blaming, although you can express your anger and frustration.

   • If you feel it’s best not to contact your friend at all, you can write the letter and not send it, or instead perform a ritual to symbolize the end of the friendship and find some internal closure.
   • For a ritual, take a meaningful item that your friend gave you and bury it, burn it, or throw it away.
4. 4
   Spend time with old and new friends. When you’re ready, invest some time and energy in your other friendships. Take a moment to appreciate the friends that they do have and all the ways they love and support you. Then, try to develop some burgeoning friendships or go out of your way to make new friends. Join a class, attend a Meetup activity, or ask a coworker or classmate to go for coffee. By putting more effort into your current and future relationships outside of your ex-bestie, you’ll begin to realize that there are other people for you to build great connections with.
5. 5
   Take care of yourself. Make sure to look after your physical and emotional self with healthy habits and self-care techniques like mindfulness exercises. Start with small changes like eating well and getting enough sleep. Do things that you enjoy doing, and allow yourself to do thoughtful things for someone else. These tasks may feel daunting at first, but you’ll feel so much better once you do them.

   • Go watch movies that you like, eat at your favorite restaurants, and try new things to see what makes you happiest.
   • Don't be afraid to seek comfort in other people. Spend time with other friends or close family members.
   EXPERT TIP

   

   Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

   Clinical Psychologist

   Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

   

   Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
   Clinical Psychologist

   Choose activities that may help to calm your inner person. Consider meditation, journaling, deep breathing, athletics, creative hobbies, and more. These positive distractions are helpful, but avoid using them as a way to remove all noise in your head—it’s important to deal with your emotions so you can move on.
   
6. 6
   Talk to a counselor or therapist about the situation. Friendship breakups are emotional, life-altering events, just like a romantic breakup. In these situations, it can be extremely helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor so that you can process your feelings and get help moving on. Whether you were the friend who initiated the breakup or not, you probably have lots of thoughts and feelings about the relationship bouncing around in your brain—a mental health professional can give you tools to help you calm these thoughts, recognize your triggers, and deal with your former friendship’s fallout.

   • It’s normal to have these sorts of spiraling thoughts after a major emotional event, especially one that you feel guilty or shameful about. These thoughts are called intrusive thoughts, which Dr. Brown explains as “unwelcome thoughts that permeate our conscious and subconscious.”
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Section 2 of 6:

Interacting with Your Ex-Best Friend in Person

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1. 1
   Give yourself as much distance as possible from your former friend. Take a step back from any activities that you used to do together, locales you used to frequent, or routines that heavily involved your ex-BFF. Mute or unfollow your friend on social media and decline (some) invites to group hangs with mutual friends.

   • There will be instances where you and your former friend have to co-exist, but limit contact with them as much as possible.
   • If you go to school with this ex-friend, you might explain the situation to your teacher by saying that seating you together or pairing you together for projects may keep you from focusing on your task.
   • Similarly, if you work together, you might speak to your HR department and ask to be placed in different departments or on different projects and shifts whenever possible.
2. 2
   Set boundaries about and prepare yourself for future encounters. You might be in a situation where you have to see your ex-best friend often—such as if you work together, go to school together, or still have mutual friends. Or, maybe you run the risk of bumping into them by accident or even being asked by your former friend to rekindle the friendship later on. The best way to prepare for these situations is to decide now how you want to deal with your ex-bestie if and when you see them in the future or if they ever mention being friends again.

   • If you have to see each other on a daily basis, you may want to tell your friend that you don’t feel comfortable speaking to or seeing them more than is strictly necessary. You can agree to both be polite, but don’t need to act overly friendly toward each other.
   • If you have mutual friends, decide together what events and group hangs you’ll both be attending or alternating attendance at. You may also want to speak to your friends about the friendship breakup, but avoid sharing too many details with them or speaking badly about your former friend.
   • If you think your ex-friend may ask to reconnect in the future, practice saying something like “I am flattered that you want to be my friend again, but I think it’s best we don’t go there.”
   • Apply this to social media as well by declining any friend requests. You could send a private message with a similar statement.
3. 3
   Be polite but brief when you have to speak to each other. You are likely to run into your ex-best friend again at some point. When this happens, you need to be calm and collected. If you can avoid talking altogether, that’s great. If not, say hello and be polite. However, being polite doesn’t mean that you have to entertain your ex-best friend for a long period of time. Answer any questions briefly, if you’re comfortable answering them at all, and avoid asking questions in return—they only invite more conversation.

   • If you see your old friend at a party and they ask how you have been, respond with something like “I’ve been doing well. I hope you are well, too.”
   • If you run into your former friend at a school event, just acknowledge them and keep going on your way.
   • Be polite if they try to start a casual conversation. For example, if they ask about your mom, say something like “My mom is doing well, thanks."
   • The key here is not to add anything that might continue the conversation, such as "I hope your parents are well" or "How is your mom?"
4. 4
   Avoid being so accommodating that your friend misinterprets your feelings. If you have no interest in rekindling your friendship, do not be too friendly while interacting with your ex-best friend. Be polite in the moment, and leave that moment with closure. If you make it appear as though you miss your ex-best friend, then that opens the door to restarting the friendship back up.

   • You don't have to say “It’s great to see you,” or “See you again soon.” Unless they’re sincere, these polite phrases may give your ex-bestie false hope for reigniting the friendship.
   • End the conversation with something like “I’m glad you're doing well, but if you’ll excuse me, I need to go talk to my date (or any other person you can think of). Goodbye.”
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Section 3 of 6:

Dealing with a Former Best Friend Creating Drama

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1. 1
   Ignore any negative things that your ex-friend says to or about you. Your former best friend may make the unfortunate choice to spread rumors about you or otherwise make nasty comments or rude gestures (whether to your face or behind your back). As hurt as you may feel by these behaviors, the key to dealing with this drama is to ignore it.

   • If these comments are being made to other people, “setting the record straight” or retaliating with similar comments about them will just have you playing into the dramatic feud between the two of you, and it may even jeopardize your other friendships and keep you from moving on.
   • If the comments are made to your face, they’re probably done to get a reaction out of you. If you don’t give your ex-friend a reaction, they’ll probably leave you alone that much faster.
   • Stay positive by realizing that what your ex-best friend says about you doesn’t actually define you. You should also allow yourself to feel good for ignoring the immaturity and letting the situation go.
2. 2
   Avoid involving mutual friends in the conflict or making them choose sides. Nobody wants to pick sides, and it isn’t fair to ask your mutual friends to do so. Avoid gossiping about your ex-best friend to mutual friends—if you need to vent, do so with a family member, therapist, or friend that’s outside your mutual friend group. If you feel resentful that your friends are still friends with your ex-bestie, try to make your peace with it—unless your ex-BFF did something egregiously hurtful to you, they have every right to choose their own friends.

   • Plus, consider how you would feel if your former friend was badmouthing you to your friends behind your back. It’s an upsetting feeling that is likely to turn out poorly for everyone involved.
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Section 4 of 6:

Should you reconnect with an ex-best friend?

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1. 1
   Reflect on the factors that led to the breakup before deciding to reconnect. Before rekindling the friendship, consider why it ended in the first place. Sometimes, two people just need some time and space before coming back together to the same (or an even stronger) friendship. However, some friendships end due to crucial conflicts, so it’s important to ask yourself why you and your ex-best friend parted ways and if the circumstances around that decision have changed. Try asking yourself the following questions:

   • What was the reason for the breakup? Did your friendship end over deeper-rooted issues? Have those issues been resolved? If they haven’t (or you don’t think they will be), will anything be different this time around? If not, it may not be the right time for rekindling.
   • Why do you want to reconnect? Do you think this person will contribute joy and happiness to your future self? Or do you just miss them because you feel nostalgic about the memories you shared together in the past? If the latter, it may not really help to reconnect.
   • Are you prepared for rejection? If your friend tells you that they’re not interested in reconnecting, will you be deeply hurt? Will it start the friendship breakup healing process all over again? Or will you be able to accept their answer and continue to move forward? If you run the risk of getting really hurt, it may be better to press pause on rekindling.
2. 2
   Call or reach out to your friend if you do decide to rekindle your friendship. If you believe that you can reconnect with your friend and resolve the issues that led to your breakup, Dr. Dorsay recommends to avoid overthinking and “just call. So many people feel like they have to call with something to offer or on a specific occasion, like a birthday. Just dial the digit. You get a voicemail? Leave a voicemail.”
   EXPERT TIP

   

   Adam Dorsay, PsyD

   Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

   Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

   

   Adam Dorsay, PsyD
   Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

   Tell your friend you’re thinking of them and mention a nice memory. For example, leave a voicemail like, “Hey, I’d love to reconnect, let me know if/when you have time to talk. And also, remember that thing with the dog in Ojai? Anyway, I was just thinking about that recently. Call whenever you feel up to it.”
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Section 5 of 6:

Why are friendship breakups so hard?

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1. Friendship breakups can be difficult for a number of reasons. Many people describe their platonic breakups as equally (or even more) painful as their romantic ones. There are many complex reasons for this phenomenon, including a lost support system, shared history, and the societal norms around the value and longevity of friendships.

   • Loss of support: Close friends provide us with emotional support, so losing a friend often feels like losing a crucial confidante and key part of your life.
   • Shared histories: Friends share mutual memories of secrets, trips, adventures, and losses. Losing a best friend can feel like they’re taking that history with them as well.
   • Societal norms: Friendships aren’t treated with the same importance as romantic relationships—but they should be! People may not take your pain as seriously, which can create shame, anxiety, and uncertainty.
   • Whatever the reason, it’s completely normal for a friendship breakup to feel extremely difficult. Just the fact that this very article exists is reason to believe that many, many people go through the same experience that you are. You’re not alone!

Section 6 of 6:

Quotes About Ex-Friendship to Help with Healing

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1. Read these friendship breakup quotes for motivation and to feel less alone. Sometimes, reading quotes or listening to songs about something that we’re going through helps us to feel less alone. Other people have gone through (and survived!) these same experiences, and that knowledge can be a comfort—no matter the challenges that you’re facing in the present moment. Check out these popular quotes to see if any resonate with you as you deal with or cope with a separation from a former friend:

   • “Hard times will always reveal true friends.” — Unknown
   • “It takes effort to be a real friend and to find a true friend.” — Peyton List
   • “Some people only enter your life as a temporary happiness.” — Bob Ong
   • “If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” — Paulo Coehlo
   • “If my absence doesn’t affect your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.” — Unknown
   • “Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be.” — Lisa Brooks
   • “Sometimes, the people you love the most are the ones who teach you the most painful lessons.” — Unknown
   • “Sadly enough, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained.” — Jonathan Harnish
   • “When you see your friends change, don't be sad. Realize the people who stayed with you are the ones who truly matter.” — Unknown
   • “Social media has given us this idea that we should all have a posse of friends when in reality, if we have one or two really good friends, we are lucky.” — Brené Brown
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How do I not go back to my ex-best friend?

  

  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist

  Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

  

  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

  Clinical Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  This may be hard, but it is important to accept that loss and the thoughts therein. Accept the reality of the situation: you have experienced a loss. Look for ways to calm your inner person with positive distractions so you can move on.

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• Question

  What if you have a friend that said that they hate you, but you still want to be their friend.

  

  Community Answer

  Sometimes, it is best to know when to let a friendship go. If this person does not want to be your friend, or is toxic for you to be around, you should end the friendship. This will free you up to seek out friends that will appreciate you more.

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• Question

  What should you do if your best friends are still friends with your former friend?

  

  Community Answer

  Leave your friends out of the feud. They have the right to be friends with both you and your former friend. Enjoy the time you spend with them, and avoid talking about the former friend altogether.

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  Thank you for your feedback.
  If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow

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Tips

• Having romantic feelings for a friend who sees you as just a friend is painful. You try to remain friends but it ultimately has to end. I lost my best friend, but don't talk negatively about them or feel bad for being involved, because the friendship is what you needed at one point.
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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

• If you're the one who did something wrong and apologized multiple times but they are not willing to accept it, don't reach out to them more. However, if they are the ones doing something wrong, listen if they try to apologize. Be the bigger person.
• Saying rude things back may make you feel better temporarily, but it will only make things worse in the long run by hurting you emotionally. Respond with kindness, ignore them when possible, and trust that they'll feel awful about their actions.
• When you see your ex-friend, be polite but don't entertain prolonged conversation. Say hello, answer questions briefly, then excuse yourself. Don't imply interest in reconnecting or it could restart the friendship/conflict.
• If a friend is possessive of your other friendships, explain that your friends are not property. Set boundaries about controlling behavior. If it continues, distance yourself. Your happiness comes first.
• If you told a damaging secret about someone, apologize sincerely and learn from your mistake. Don't try to justify your actions. Ask how you can make amends, and respect if they need space.

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Warnings

• If your ex-BFF tries to hurt you physically or if you can't handle this yourself, don't be afraid to seek help from a trusted friend, adult, or officer of the law.
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