How to Fix a Huge Argument with Your Girlfriend & Prevent Future Fights

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Learn to resolve conflicts effectively and strengthen your relationship
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What do you do when you’ve had a huge argument with your girlfriend? It's likely that both of you feel resentful, angry, or upset. We're here to bring you expert advice from psychologists and dating coaches on processing the argument, repairing your relationship, and preventing future fights so you can create the healthiest possible relationship.

How to Resolve an Argument

  1. Take time to cool down and process your feelings.
  2. Address the conflict with your partner when you're both ready to talk calmly.
  3. Express your feelings and explain why you're upset.
  4. Take responsibility for your part and apologize sincerely.
  5. Listen to your girlfriend's perspective and validate her feelings.
Section 1 of 4:

Processing the Argument

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  1. Step 1 Take a moment to cool down.
    You can’t expect to resolve an argument immediately after it occurs. In the wake of a disagreement, take some time to cool down. Take a few hours, even a few days, to process your emotions properly. Take a long walk, go see a friend, watch a movie. Engage in relaxing activities until you've calmed down enough to look at the situation objectively.[1]
    • Don’t use you or your girlfriend’s frustration to completely shelf the argument. Leaving conflict unresolved can build resentment and lead to the relationship’s downfall.[2]
    • Clinical Psychologist Dr. Liana Georgoulis says it’s important to “Recognize when you yourself are becoming flooded with emotion or engaging in problematic communication patterns and instead call a time-out for yourself in which you practice coping statements and deep breathing techniques.”
    • If you need a break but your partner objects, they may be trying to use you to self-soothe. You may not have the capacity to help, though. To de-escalate, hug or compliment your partner and explain that you need time to process things.
      Don't: storm off without saying anything.
      Do: say "I'm upset and need some time to cool down. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"
  2. Step 2 Analyze what caused the fight.
    Fights rarely happen over nothing. Take some time to think about what caused the fight and whether there’s anything you could have done differently in the situation.
    • Think about what led up to this. Why did you start fighting? What triggered the argument? What was said? Do you regret anything you said? Why or why not?[3]
    • Memory is subjective, especially in stressful situations.[4] She may remember certain aspects of the fight differently than you. This is normal and doesn't necessarily mean one of you is lying.
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  3. Step 3 Acknowledge your feelings about the situation.
    After an argument, you need to accept and experience your feelings. While we may dislike emotions like anger and sadness, it's important to acknowledge them rather than ignore them. Stifling your feelings can cause an explosion down the road.
    • Accept that emotions aren’t always rational. If your girlfriend hurt your feelings, for example, logically knowing she didn’t mean to might not help you let it go.
    • Know that you and your girlfriend are both entitled to an emotional response to a disagreement, even if the response isn’t entirely logical.[5]
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Section 2 of 4:

Resolving the Argument

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  1. Step 1 Make time to talk about the problem.
    After you both have calmed down, suggest a time to discuss your conflict. After a big argument, it's important you schedule time to talk to assure you are both calm going into the discussion.[6]
    • Georgoulis says “If people are not carving out times to discuss issues in their relationships, then fights and arguments are more likely to happen.”
    • Choose a time to talk that works for everyone. Pick a day when neither one of you has to work early in the morning. Aim to talk soon after dinner so you aren’t hungry or sleepy.[7]
    • If you don’t live together, go somewhere neutral. While you might feel odd discussing your relationship in public, a neutral ground can assure no one feels uncomfortable. Pick a quiet place without many people, like a coffee shop.[8]
    • Don’t come into the conversation under the influence. Using substances may ease your nerves, but you won’t be able to pay full attention to your partner and what’s upsetting them.
  2. Step 2 Use open body language.
    When discussing your conflict, use your body language to demonstrate that you are open to dialogue. Face your partner with uncrossed arms when they are speaking to show that you’re listening without judgment. This can encourage relaxed, effective discussion.[9]
    • Make eye contact. Nod occasionally to show you are listening.[10] Never cross your arms or do anything that makes you look tense. Try to avoid nervous tics, like fiddling with your clothing or wringing your hands.[11]
  3. Step 3 Use good verbal communication skills.
    Your girlfriend needs to know you are open to working things out, so make sure you communicate with her effectively in the aftermath of a fight. Be clear and concise when speaking, don’t include too many details and get to the point of what you're going to say.
    • Do not interrupt your girlfriend when she's talking. Always ask if she understands what you're saying. Ask for clarification if she says anything you do not understand.[12]
    • Use "I" statements. These assure that you're expressing your own feelings rather than placing objective judgment on the situation.
    • Instead of saying "You overreacted about me being late and embarrassed me in front of your friends" say something like "I felt embarrassed when you called me out on being late in front of your friends."[13]
    • Clinical Psychologist Dr. Gera Anderson, says that if your partner asks questions, “View it as them trying to get or understand what you are communicating. In some instances, usually during conflict, you may have to repeat your statement in a harder tone or with louder volume.”
      Don't: shout "How could you do this?!"
      Do: say "I'm angry because you broke the promise you made yesterday."
  4. Step 4 Validate your girlfriend's feelings.
    It can be very frustrating to feel like your feelings aren’t being validated in a romantic relationship. Even if you don’t agree with your girlfriend's perspective, make sure you strive to make her feel that her feelings are valid by acknowledging that she has a right to feel how she feels without judging her.
    • To defuse an argument while validating your girlfriend’s feelings, Georgoulis says to say something like “I want to try and understand your perspective, would you mind being a bit calmer or gentler?”
    • When validating your girlfriend’s feelings, make sure you actively listen to her and let her know that you understand how she feels.
    • An apology goes a long way when validating feelings. If you’ve done something to upset her, apologizing can make her feel seen and heard.
    • Often, the simple act of allowing someone to feel the way they do removes a lot of tension from a situation. It releases pent-up negative energy and will make your girlfriend feel like you genuinely care about making her happy.
      Don't: say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but it was just a harmless joke."
      Do: say "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I made you upset."
  5. Step 5 Figure out where you disagree.
    Most couples will have a few issues they can’t agree on. This is normal, as humans are unique. Take an argument as an opportunity to figure out where you two differ and how you can reconcile these differences.
    • If you have different expectations regarding time together, the relationship as a whole, or lifestyle choices, it's important to identify them and find a solution.
    • See if you can figure out if there's an underlying issue that drove your argument. If you had a big argument, it's doubtful it was over a minor matter. Try and figure out where you disagree and what you can do to reconcile the disagreement.
    • Sometimes simply acknowledging that you feel differently about a subject can help ease tensions. The two of you will end up taking certain things less personally if you understand where you differ personality-wise.[14]
      Don't: force your girlfriend (or yourself) to change on every point of disagreement.
      Do: suggest ways to limit conflict, such as avoiding contentious activities or topics while you're together.
  6. Step 6 Apologize to her.
    After contemplating your actions and role in the argument, apologize for any wrongdoing. Make the apology as specific and sincere as possible, to demonstrate that you have heard and understood your girlfriend's concerns.[15]
    Don't: try to defend your actions with a "but..." or a reference to your girlfriend's behavior.
    Do: accept her reaction calmly, even if it's "Yes, you were a jerk."
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Section 3 of 4:

Preventing Future Fights

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  1. Step 1 Discuss new issues immediately.
    When you notice a problem is brewing, don’t ignore it. Instead, discuss the issue before it becomes a large problem. This way you can prevent future blow-ups.[16]
    • Letting things bottle up means when the next argument happens you'll end up bringing things up from the past. This can make your girlfriend feel attacked and bombarded.
    • When a problem arises, address it immediately. Even a small issue can lead you to build resentment over time.[17]
  2. Step 2 Create a process for resolving arguments without anger.
    Anger can make it hard to respond to a situation rationally, as it can cause you to lash out and alienate those close to you. Try to work with your girlfriend on finding a way to resolve issues without succumbing to anger. For example, you can take 5 minutes to express your feelings after a disagreement before trying to talk.[18]
  3. Step 3 Listen for underlying emotional needs.
    Fights are often related to the fact certain emotional needs are being neglected. When your girlfriend is upset or frustrated with you, try to examine whether she has needs you're failing to meet. Have you been distant lately? Are you too busy to spend time with her? Consider if meeting your girlfriend's needs and what you can do to help meet them.[19]
  4. Step 4 Summarize what is discussed to ensure you understand.
    After an argument, always take a moment to summarize what was discussed. How do you feel? How does your girlfriend feel? How are you both willing to work on the situation to ensure it won't happen again? Taking five minutes to summarize a situation after an argument can prevent the argument from reoccurring.[20]
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Section 4 of 4:

How to Have a Healthy Argument with Your Girlfriend

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  1. Step 1 Do a relationship check-in.
    To avoid leaving anything unsaid and prevent bigger arguments, take time out of your week to do a relationship check-in. This can be as simple as sitting down with your girlfriend and asking if there’s anything you can do to improve the relationship.
    • Making the effort to take care of your relationship goes a long way, and will help prevent larger conflicts.
  2. Step 2 Practice the 3-day rule.
    In a relationship, the 3-day rule is when you spend three days away from your partner in order to decompress after a heated argument. This gives you both time to cool off and figure out how you want to proceed without having your decision clouded by anger and other feelings.[21]
    • The 3-day rule doesn’t work for everyone. Some people take longer to process their emotions and others process them quicker.
    • If you want to practice the rule with your girlfriend, make sure you both agree on how long you’ll be away from each other.
  3. Step 3 Make requests and explain how you feel instead of complaining.
    If you start arguments with the phrase “You always do…,” that’s not a good sign, as it can come off as rude and aggressive. Instead, say something like “I’m upset. I had a bad day and I’m not in the state to cook tonight. Do you mind making dinner?”
    • Don’t abuse your requests. If your girlfriend is always the one to make dinner, offer to take over every now and then, even if you’re upset.
  4. Step 4 Listen to your girlfriend and ask for clarification when you need it.
    Actively listen to your girlfriend during an argument so you can see exactly what she’s upset about. If she says something that you don’t understand, ask her to clarify what she means. Instead of getting defensive, ask specific questions based on the situation.[22]
    • Instead of saying “I don’t understand you. What are you talking about?,” say “I’m not sure what you mean by that. Can you explain what makes you feel that way?”
  5. Step 5 Learn your partner’s love language so you know how to apologize.
    Everyone receives love differently. It’s important to figure out your girlfriend’s love language so you know how to respond to her in a way that makes them feel loved and cared for. Some people need a simple apology, others need a big gesture.[23]
    • Dating coach Courtney Quinlan says “If he really messed up, he needs to once again know her love language, know what's important to her, know her personality and use that knowledge to work on getting her back.”
    • To find out your girlfriend’s love language, ask what makes her feel loved and how she likes to receive love. You can also take a love language quiz with her!
  6. Step 6 Avoid swearing and name-calling.
    Name calling can be hurtful, build resentment, stifle communication, and suggests a lack of respect in your relationship. Resist the impulse to hurl insults or call your partner names—it's not healthy nor productive.[24]
    • If you get the urge to swear or call your girlfriend names, stop, breathe, and express how you feel without being rude.
    • Focus on expanding your emotional vocabulary so you can better express your feelings.
  7. Step 7 Call it quits if the relationship is unhealthy or toxic.
    If you are constantly arguing about small things, that may be salvageable. But if you’re always arguing about the bigger things, like where to live, whether or not to have kids, drug use, or family dynamics, that might be a sign to call it quits.
    • If you find that your core values and needs aren’t being met, express that to your girlfriend. If they’re still unable to meet them, that may be a sign that you two aren’t compatible.[25]
    • Don’t depend on your girlfriend to meet your needs, as that can be difficult for them and unhealthy for you.[26]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What do you do after a big argument with your girlfriend?
    John Keegan
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Work on improving your communication in the future. If you and your girlfriend are arguing a lot, it's important to change the way you're communicating together. Every argument you have is a chink in the relationship, and enough chinks will end it. That might mean working on it together, or it might even mean seeing a counselor if it's important enough to you.
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  • Question
    How do I fix an argument with my girlfriend?
    John Keegan
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Listen. Typically an argument starts because you both feel like you're not being listened to and understood. That leads to arguing and, usually, name-calling, which is really damaging. To fix that, you have to be prepared to sit and listen. She's probably going to need to talk out her feelings to work it out, because she doesn't want the argument to happen again.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How do you resolve an argument with your partner?
    John Keegan
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Give up your need to be right. Even if you feel in you're heart that you're 100% right, you're probably not. You have to be able to say that you're sorry, and that you didn't mean the things you said in the moment, and you hope they can forgive you. Just keep in mind that the connection is more important than being right.
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Tips

  • When you've been "trying to work things out" for longer than you've been happy together, your relationship might not be worth the effort.
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  • Arguing isn’t always unhealthy. Arguing over little things, like the best character from a TV show or whether pineapple goes on pizza, is a sign that you’re comfortable around your partner.
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  • Frequent and increasingly disrespectful arguing isn’t healthy.
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Tips from our Readers

  • Try to be understanding of any social or mental disorders your partner may have, like if she suffers from anxiety, but don't imply she has any disorders that haven't been diagnosed, or that her conditions are causing the problems.
  • Try to separate the argument from the relationship itself. Identify the cause of the argument, and address that. Don't think that the argument itself has ruined the whole relationship, unless it's a consistent pattern.
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  2. ↑ https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/when-you-and-your-spouse-cant-agree/
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  9. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
  1. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1471-6402.2004.00152.x?journalCode=pwqa
  2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
  3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201703/effective-communication-during-relationship-conflict
  5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
  6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  10. ↑ http://www.professional-counselling.com/couples-fighting.html
  11. ↑ http://www.professional-counselling.com/couples-fighting.html
  12. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/three-day-rule-after-argument/
  13. ↑ https://wayne.edu/learning-communities/pdf/becoming-active-listener-13.pdf
  14. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained
  15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-act-of-violence/202308/cursing-a-lot
  16. ↑ https://geediting.com/signs-you-love-each-other-a-lot-but-youre-simply-not-compatible/
  17. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency

About This Article

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Co-authored by:
Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Marcus Pruitt, BS. Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles. This article has been viewed 1,538,369 times.
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Co-authors: 56
Updated: December 21, 2024
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Categories: Featured Articles | Relationship Issues
Article SummaryX

Before you try to fix a huge argument with your girlfriend, take a few hours or even days to cool down so you can solve the problem objectively without your emotions running high. Once you’ve cleared your head, wait for a time when you’re both relatively calm and undistracted so you’re in the best mood to have a discussion. Start the conversation by apologizing for anything you could have done better to show your girlfriend that you want to make things right. Once you've let your girlfriend explain her point of view, validate her feelings by saying something like, "I understand that I hurt your feelings too. That was never my intention." Then, accept her reaction, even if it's not what you want to hear, to show you understand her. For more tips, including how to prevent future arguments with your girlfriend, read on!

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