How to Get Over a Guy Who Doesn't Like You

Co-authored by Amy Chan

Last Updated: June 24, 2024 Fact Checked

When you're finally ready to get over a crush, you may wonder what to do next. You might know what to expect after breaking up with a boyfriend or getting a divorce, but how do you get over a relationship that never happened? How do you act around him, and what can you tell your friends? How do you deal with the sickening sense of rejection, even if you know intellectually that you're worthy of love? You've already taken the first step: choosing to move on. Taking some time to yourself and some time to shake it off will help you on your way.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Getting Over Him

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Release your hope for him. Giving up on something you want can be frightening, but actually doing so can be a relief. Unconsciously, you've been motivated to pursue him—he's been your goal.^{[1]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

Go to source} Make a conscious decision to no longer pursue him. It may help to write this down, to tell a friend, or even to hold a small ceremony for yourself.
- Consider gathering things you have that make you think of him and putting them in a box, throwing them away, or giving them away.
- Once your private space is cleared of reminders, consider holding a small cleansing ceremony. Burn some sage incense and walk through your room or your home.^{[2]
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- When a wish for him comes up, don't suppress it and don't cling to it. Acknowledge how you feel, but remind yourself that you are choosing to move on.^{[3]
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  PubMed Central
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2
Grieve. Don't push away feelings of sadness when they come. It's totally natural and healthy to be sad when you have feelings for someone and it doesn't work out. Take a week or a few weeks to grieve. Cry if you can: if your feelings are hurt, you are actually hurt, and you will do better to acknowledge it. Crying can be extremely therapeutic.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source

Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

Go to source}
- Listen to music that lets you feel your feelings.
- Exercise. It helps to clear your mind and you will be healthier.
- Write in a diary if you have one.
- Write a letter to him if you want. Keep it for a week or two before you give it to him, or don't give it to him at all. The point is to get your feelings out.
- Go on some long walks by yourself. You'll have time to think, and you'll feel better for the exercise.
- Know when to stop. If you're dropping the people and projects that matter to you, you're grieving too much.
- Consult a therapist if you can't get back into your normal life.^{[5]
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Evaluate his behavior and your own. Did he lead you on, acting like he liked you for attention? Did you pursue him relentlessly even after he let you know that it wasn't going to work? Was everyone honest and considerate, or was bad behavior involved? If you feel like you misbehaved, apologize.
- If you feel like he did something wrong, and you're friends, consider letting him know that you feel hurt.
- You can write a brief letter or email if it's too painful to talk to him in person.
- If you aren't friends, it might feel better to not communicate. Ask yourself what would feel better, and follow that path.
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Remind yourself of things you didn't like about him. Maybe he was totally unadventurous, or maybe he was too much of a risk taker. Maybe he constantly interrupted you. Maybe you were in love with the fantasy of this guy and not the guy himself. It can be hard to see the real person when you're infatuated.
- You don't have to demonize him, of course. Just take your image of him with a grain of salt. Remember, he was never perfect: you just had some perfect feelings about him.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Focusing on Yourself

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1
Remember that you're loveable. You were your own unique and interesting person long before this guy’s opinion ever meant a thing to you; the more you remember and act on that, the stronger and more attractive you’ll feel. Realize that just because he doesn't like you doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. It could be just his problem! Attraction between two people is influenced by factors of timing, of nature, of nurture, and of factors beyond our control.^{[6]
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Research source} One person's feelings about you are not a way to measure your character.
- Make a list of things you like about yourself. Include big things and small things. Group accomplishments, personality traits, and talents.
- Make a list of what you really care for in a relationship, and see if he fulfilled those expectations. He probably won't, and that's okay!
- Ask yourself, what can you count on yourself to do? What difficulties have you overcome?
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Renew yourself. Now is a great time to make a change. Redecorate your house, or just move the furniture around in your room.^{[7]
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Research source} Pursue a new hobby, sign up for some volunteer hours, get a different haircut. Master a new skill: take a class, cook a new dish, or make yourself something you've been wanting, like shelf. If you have some extra cash, buy a new outfit.
- Ask friends to do things with you, but also try things that will get you out of your comfort zone. Talking to new people will be restorative.
3
Be healthy and take care of yourself. Feeling bad about yourself after a crush doesn't work out is normal, but it's not a great way to feel. Taking care of yourself is a way to show yourself that you do matter, and it will also make you feel a lot better.Get regular exercise, meals, and sleep. Get therapy if you are feeling depressed or anxious.
- Stick to a healthy routine every day. Clean up and dress yourself nicely, even when you feel like sludge—it will make you feel better.
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Date when you're ready. There's no need to rush it, but when dating sounds appealing to you, try it out. If you think you tend to like a certain kind of guy, try dating someone different: you might be making your romantic choices based on a pattern that doesn't actually work for you. If you always like boisterous overachievers, give a quiet introvert a chance.
- Remember that there is always someone for you. You will find a guy who adores you soon enough.
- Don’t rush to rebound, or you might end up breaking someone else's heart. It will hurt you and it could hurt them.
- It's okay to get out and flirt. Don't get seriously involved with someone right away, but do flirt a little or even go on casual dates if that's fun for you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Dealing with Him Socially

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1
Take some distance if you can. Once you've let go of hoping for someone, you just need time to pass. The more time passes, the better you'll feel. Meanwhile, limit your exposure to him. Don't hang out, and try not to bump into him too much. This doesn't mean you should hide out—absolutely not—just that you should avoid interacting while you're still in pain.
- Bring a friend when you know you'll run into him. We can't always avoid people who like—if you know you'll have to be around him sometimes, bring friends who know what's going on with you to back you up.
- Keep it positive. You don't have to glare at him or treat him rudely. When you feel normal again, you might end up being real friends with this guy. Just be polite and try to avoid him discreetly.
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Spend more time with your friends. Of course, you may need some alone time at first, but turning into a full-time hermit is just going to make you feel like he’s the only person in the world. Go out with your pals, have a buddy night, and socialize as much as feels good. The more you meet your emotional needs elsewhere, the less impact his absence will have on you.
- If he's a good friend and all your friends are mutual, try organizing smaller outings—just two or three at a time—so that his absence doesn't feel conspicuous.
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Confide in your friends. Keeping heartbreak private can make it hurt more. It can be a relief to tell your nearest and dearest what you're going through.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source

Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

Go to source} You don't have to tell everyone, and it's probably better if you don't—but if you have a few good friends and relatives who can keep your business private, it might help to let them know that you're going through an emotionally rocky moment.
- Be sure to tell them if what you're saying is private.
- Ask them not to treat the guy you had a crush on any differently—unless he was a jerk, of course.
If people talk, they talk. If unsubstantiated rumors are flying around, know that they'll die down soon. Don't add fuel to the rumors by getting angry or defensive. Instead, when confronted by nosy people, say it is your personal life, raise your eyebrows, and change the subject. Whatever you say won't change their minds, so always be the bigger person, smile and be polite.

Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series

Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.

1

Stop Being in Love With a Person You'll Never Meet

2

Effective Ways to Get Over Someone You Love

3

How to Get Over Someone You Can't Have or Never Dated

4

Stop Loving the Girl of Your Dreams

5

Stop Liking Someone

6

Overcome an Infatuation

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you stop obsessing over a guy who doesn't like you?

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.

Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Remind yourself that the idea of a one-and-only soulmate is a myth. There are many people out there you could be compatible with.

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