This article was co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA. Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
This article has been viewed 103,025 times.
Romance can be a fun part of a marriage and a way to bond with your husband, but it can be difficult to create romance without cooperation and desire from his side. While you cannot force your husband to be romantic, you may find it helpful to encourage different activities or practices into your relationship.
Express what you want. If you want your husband to treat you a certain way, let him know. He may not know your desires and therefore, may be unable to meet your wants or needs.[1]XResearch source[2]XExpert SourceJin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 14 May 2019. Don’t expect your husband to “know” your wants or act as if he is a mind reader. Instead, do him (and you) a favor and clue him in.
Don’t be shy in expressing your desires. If there’s a gesture or action you appreciate, let him know.
2
Reinforce the things you like. If you like when your husband does something (like wash the dishes or open the door for you), make sure you let him know how much you appreciate the gesture.[3]XResearch source By letting him know you appreciate the gesture, he can begin to do these things continually out of love for you.
Say, “thank you” often, or express specific gratitude by saying, “I really appreciate when you pull my chair out for me.”
Advertisement
3
Take the lead. Taking the lead is an excellent way for you to show your husband what you want and appreciate from him. Show your husband some romantic gestures like leaving a gift for him in the morning, planning a romantic evening together, or treating him to a massage. Show your husband your love and care for him by extending the romance to him.
[4]XResearch source When taking the lead, express your desire for your husband to reciprocate the romance back.
Take the lead in small gestures and also in sex. Do things that your husband finds romantic.
Taking the lead does not necessarily mean that your gestures will be returned. Your husband’s idea of romance may differ from your own.
4
Encourage intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t just include sex, it also includes being emotionally intimate. Encourage your husband to share his hopes, dreams, disappointments, fears, and accomplishments with you. Allow your husband to feel open and vulnerable around you by listening to him and supporting him. Emotional intimacy can enhance physical intimacy and feelings of closeness with your husband.
Be intimate with your husband, too. Allow each other to be intimate together and create a strong sense of connectivity between the two of you.
Discuss what each of you considers romantic. Your view of romance and your husband’s view of romance may differ. It’s important to discuss what you consider romantic, and understand what your husband views as romantic. Discuss the things that you appreciate and that make you feel loved, and allow your husband to share the gestures he appreciates and the things you do that make him feel loved.
If your husband thinks romance is “cheesy”, express that you enjoy the occasional cheesy moment and love reflecting on cheesy memories. Say, “even cheesy moments can be meaningful, and I appreciate them.”
2
Improve listening skills. Both you and your husband can decide to improve listening skills. By learning to give each other your undivided attention, you show care and love for each other. Put down the remote and look each other in the eye. Nothing says “what you say is important” like giving each other your full attention.[5]XResearch source
If your husband is distracted while you are speaking, gently ask him to listen to you. Tell him how much it means to you when he gives you his full attention.
3
Build up communication. Learn ways for you and your husband to communicate more effectively together. Save yourself the fights and make time for more romance by relating to one another in a healthy, affirming way. Instead of saying things like, “You make me feel so angry when you come home from work late” say, “I feel disappointed when I make dinner and you’re not here to enjoy it with me.” Learn to communicate without blame and instead express your feelings.[6]XResearch source[7]XExpert SourceJin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 14 May 2019.
When discussing your feelings, use “I” statements as much as possible, such as, “I feel angry when you don’t clean up after yourself” or “I appreciate your generosity and it makes me feel happy when you do small, thoughtful gestures for me.”[8]XExpert SourceJin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 14 May 2019.
4
Spend intentional time together.[9]XResearch source Instead of spending time by default together, plan your activities to enjoy each other’s company. If you want to watch tv together, make it special by preparing food together beforehand or making a theme of the night. Have one night a week that you spend together doing something you both enjoy. Ask your husband for something you’d like to do together, like a cooking class or to see a show.
Start a new activity together, such as a dance class.
5
Take turns planning dates. Taking turns allows each of you to plan romantic time together. When planning the date, keep your husband’s wants and likes in mind, and plan a date you know he will enjoy. Ask him to do the same for you.
A romantic date can include a fancy evening of dressing up for dinner and a live show, or it can be fun and playful, like playing laser tag together.
6
Engage in complementary expression of love. Five “love languages” describe the main ways that people give and receive love in a relationship. These “languages” include words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.[10]XResearch source Discuss together the ways you give and receive love with your husband. Then, find ways for each of you to respond to each other’s love languages.[11]XExpert SourceJin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 14 May 2019.
For instance, if your husband responds to words of affirmation, make sure you tell him you love him and are grateful for him. If you respond to love expressed through physical touch, tell your husband how much a gentle caress or a loving embrace mean to you.
You may enjoy expressing love through gifts, and your husband may enjoy expressing love through acts of service. By knowing each other’s “love languages”, you can appreciate the gestures by acknowledging that this is how your partner expresses love to you. Having your partner know your love language means that he knows how to give you love in a way that you receive it easily.[12]XExpert SourceJin S. Kim, MA Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 14 May 2019.
Advertisement
Rekindle the Spark with this Expert Series
Are you feeling disconnected from your husband? Use these expert articles to rekindle the spark through flirting, romance, and quality time.
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
Avoid being manipulative. You may gently communicate your wants and desires to your husband, but remember that you cannot force or make anyone be romantic. Romance is best when it comes from the heart and not from obligation or necessity.
This article was co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA. Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015. This article has been viewed 103,025 times.
Download Article
Express what you want. If you want your husband to treat you a certain way, let him know. He may not know your desires and therefore, may be unable to meet your wants or needs.[1] [2] Don’t expect your husband to “know” your wants or act as if he is a mind reader. Instead, do him (and you) a favor and clue him in.
Reinforce the things you like. If you like when your husband does something (like wash the dishes or open the door for you), make sure you let him know how much you appreciate the gesture.[3] By letting him know you appreciate the gesture, he can begin to do these things continually out of love for you.
Take the lead. Taking the lead is an excellent way for you to show your husband what you want and appreciate from him. Show your husband some romantic gestures like leaving a gift for him in the morning, planning a romantic evening together, or treating him to a massage. Show your husband your love and care for him by extending the romance to him. [4] When taking the lead, express your desire for your husband to reciprocate the romance back.
Encourage intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t just include sex, it also includes being emotionally intimate. Encourage your husband to share his hopes, dreams, disappointments, fears, and accomplishments with you. Allow your husband to feel open and vulnerable around you by listening to him and supporting him. Emotional intimacy can enhance physical intimacy and feelings of closeness with your husband.
Discuss what each of you considers romantic. Your view of romance and your husband’s view of romance may differ. It’s important to discuss what you consider romantic, and understand what your husband views as romantic. Discuss the things that you appreciate and that make you feel loved, and allow your husband to share the gestures he appreciates and the things you do that make him feel loved.
Improve listening skills. Both you and your husband can decide to improve listening skills. By learning to give each other your undivided attention, you show care and love for each other. Put down the remote and look each other in the eye. Nothing says “what you say is important” like giving each other your full attention.[5]
Build up communication. Learn ways for you and your husband to communicate more effectively together. Save yourself the fights and make time for more romance by relating to one another in a healthy, affirming way. Instead of saying things like, “You make me feel so angry when you come home from work late” say, “I feel disappointed when I make dinner and you’re not here to enjoy it with me.” Learn to communicate without blame and instead express your feelings.[6] [7]
Spend intentional time together. [9] Instead of spending time by default together, plan your activities to enjoy each other’s company. If you want to watch tv together, make it special by preparing food together beforehand or making a theme of the night. Have one night a week that you spend together doing something you both enjoy. Ask your husband for something you’d like to do together, like a cooking class or to see a show.
Take turns planning dates. Taking turns allows each of you to plan romantic time together. When planning the date, keep your husband’s wants and likes in mind, and plan a date you know he will enjoy. Ask him to do the same for you.
Engage in complementary expression of love. Five “love languages” describe the main ways that people give and receive love in a relationship. These “languages” include words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.[10] Discuss together the ways you give and receive love with your husband. Then, find ways for each of you to respond to each other’s love languages.[11]
Jin S. Kim, MAJin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
