This article was co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau. Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 264,810 times.
It’s completely normal for relationships to slow down after the initial passion has worn off. However, if you’re worried that your relationship is losing its spark entirely, we’re here to help. There are plenty of things you can do to get that spark back—from working on your communication skills to devoting more time to fun, exciting couple’s activities. Keep reading, and we’ll show you how to rekindle your relationship with time, patience, and above all, love.
Things You Should Know
Rekindle the spark in your relationship by reliving your favorite memories and practicing gratitude for your partner. Remind yourself why you love them in the first place.
Improve communication with your partner and let them know your expectations going forward. Let go of old resentments and focus on forgiving one another instead.
Make more time for fun with your partner! Try new things and schedule dates to ensure you get enough quality time together.
Reminisce about your favorite memories together. Bring the spark back to your romance by returning to the beginning; recall memories from the beginning of the relationship (which is usually when passion is highest). Chat with your partner about how you met, your first kiss, your favorite dates, and the best times you spent together in the past.[1]XResearch source
This can be a super easy conversation to start. Simply say, “Remember the day we met?” and go from there.
Talk about what first attracted you to your partner, your fondest memory from early in the romance, and what made you think the relationship was special.
Listen to music that reminds you of your relationship or look through old photos and videos. You could even take turns reading passages from a book you both love!
Try planning nostalgic dates, too. Go to the restaurant you had your first date at, or plan a movie marathon based on films or TV shows you watched in the early stages of your romance.
2
Accept the things you can't change about your partner. Everyone has bad habits. When you're with someone for a long time, a mild flaw can start to grate on you. Try to work on accepting those things about your partner that you can't change rather than letting their relatively small imperfections unravel the relationship.[2]XResearch source
For example, does your partner always forget to take out the recycling? If nagging them does nothing to fix it, learning to accept this minor bad behavior might be better.
Try to keep things in perspective; even if you get super annoyed some days, it can help to remind yourself how minor their flaws are in the grand scheme of things.
Think to yourself something along the lines of, “Yes, my partner often runs behind schedule, but they also always ask about my dad, listen to my problems when I’m upset, and make me laugh. That’s what’s really important.”
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3
Focus on improving your communication as a couple. If you feel you’re in a relationship rut, odds are your partner feels the same. Work on expressing your wants and needs to your partner while also listening to theirs.[3]XExpert SourceSupatra Tovar, PsyD, RD Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness ExpertExpert Interview. 6 October 2021. The more comfortable you are letting your partner know how you feel and what you expect from them, the deeper your connection (and trust) will grow.
It might help to schedule a specific time for the two of you to talk—and remember to be an active listener when your partner speaks, too. Relationships are a two-way street, so it’s important for both of you to hear each other.
Let your partner know when you feel most loved and cared for. Do you feel loved when they ask about your day or bring your flowers? Let them know.
Talk about anything you miss and want to do more often, whether that means going on more dates or spending more nights of the week together.
Make an effort to communicate with your partner more often! It’s easy to forget to ask someone about their day or how they’re feeling when you’re busy—but making an effort to reach out can go a long way.
4
Let go of old resentments and work toward forgiveness. If the relationship is losing its spark due to arguments and bitterness, that means reconciliation is the goal. First, sit down with your partner and acknowledge the problem. Then, if you can both resolve to move forward and repair the relationship, do your best to let go, forgive your partner, and heal any old wounds.[4]XResearch source
Try this simple exercise: write down your resentments on a small piece of paper and have your partner do the same. Then, using a fireplace or pit, safely set both papers on fire to release your resentments.
Couple’s therapy might also help you work through your differences and rekindle the relationship. If you’re struggling on your own, consider asking your partner to visit a therapist.
5
Practice gratitude for your partner. Remind your partner that you appreciate them and don’t take them for granted. Acknowledge all the little things they do that you’re grateful for each day—whether you express your gratitude in person or through texts. The simple act of showing gratitude for your partner can make them feel valued and loved![5]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source
For example, you might send them a sweet text that says, “Thank you for making my lunch in the mornings. I know I’m sometimes in a hurry and don’t say anything about it, but it truly makes my day much easier.”
6
Make romantic gestures using your partner’s love language. How does your partner like to be shown affection and love? Find out their love language (words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch), you can figure out which romantic gestures will mean the most to them. Similarly, make sure they know your love language, too, so they can love you in a way you’ll appreciate.[6]XResearch source If you don't know how each of you likes to give and receive love, take our love langue quiz!
For example, if they appreciate quality time together, you could take them out on surprise outings like dinner dates, concert trips, and museum visits.
If they value acts of service, you might do something to make life easier when they get home from work, like taking out the trash, doing laundry, or making them dinner.
If they value words of affirmation, make a goal to tell them something you love about them every day or offer reassurance when they feel insecure.
Remember: don’t be surprised if your partner’s love language is different from yours!
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
Keep the romance alive by showing you care with consistent effort. Plan fun outings together, carve out quality time for each other, and include them in outings with family and friends.
7
Share secrets to rebuild the trust and intimacy between you. “Intimacy” isn’t just sex—it’s also emotional closeness. So, if you feel like your relationship has gotten off track, rebuild that closeness by telling them a secret you’ve never told anyone, a dream that you want to realize someday, a fantasy, or a treasured memory. This also tells your partner that you trust them fully.[7]XResearch source
Be sure to listen when your partner confides in you. An open, nonjudgmental attitude can help your partner feel like they can tell you anything!
8
Schedule date nights and prioritize quality time together. First, consider how you’ve been prioritizing the relationship thus far. Are you paying enough attention to them—and are they doing the same for you? It’s easy for your career or children to get in the way of quality time, which is why it’s so important to schedule dates and other activities with your partner.[8]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source
Sometimes, you may find that the longer you’re with someone, the less you date—but no matter what stage of the relationship you’re in, dating is still important!
Come up with date ideas to have handy whenever it’s time to plan one. You could go dancing, take a day hike, visit a neighboring town, or go bowling, for example.
Reach out to others and make plans with other coupled friends. Try joining a club where you can meet new people since maintaining a social life is a great way to have fun in a relationship.
And, of course, you can always have fun at home. Break out board games for a night in, or find a funny TV show to watch!
9
Try new things to bring excitement into the relationship. Sometimes, you may forget that fun is vital to relationships—so make time for it! Plan out fun, romantic activities to do together, especially ones you’ve never done before and activities that get your heart racing. Studies show that adrenaline can increase attraction, so going on adventures together can actually strengthen your bond.[9]XResearch source
That doesn’t mean you need to do something extreme, like skydiving (although you certainly could). It might just mean hitting up an amusement park or escape room together!
Even if you’re not in the mood for tons of thrills, doing something new is always a little exciting, whether the two of you take a class together or simply go to a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try.
10
Make yourself feel attractive. Did you know that your own insecurities can lessen the spark of a relationship? If you're feeling bad about yourself, you might pull away from your partner without realizing it. Find ways to feel good about yourself, whether that means changing up your style a bit or reciting positive affirmations to build your confidence.[10]XResearch source
If you feel like it’s time for a style change, for example, consider updating your wardrobe with a few pieces that make you feel great about your body or getting a new haircut.
You could also recite affirmations like, “I am incredible,” “I’m perfect, just the way I am,” or “I release my insecurities.”
11
Kiss and show affection for one another more often. When a relationship stagnates, even simple expressions of affection like kissing can become less frequent. So, try to kiss your partner more often, and you might find your romantic feelings for one another grow stronger too! Express your affection in other ways too—like hugging and snuggling together.[11]XResearch source
Kissing, hugging, and snuggling don’t necessarily lead to sex—but they can certainly create more desire and attraction between you and your partner.
That’s because kissing causes your brain to produce oxytocin and serotonin, hormones that promote happiness and stronger attachment.
Flirt with your partner, too! Flirting can be a fun way to feel sexy and express your interest in one another. Flirting is common at the beginning of a relationship, but it doesn’t have to end once the relationship is established!
12
Spice up your sex life. Your sex life can be an important factor in your romantic relationship. If things are beginning to feel stale, find ways to reignite your sexual passion. Try anything from exploring new positions to role-playing or toys—and if you don’t know where to start, simply discuss your fantasies and desires with your partner (and learn about theirs, too).[12]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source
On the other hand, it might also help to cut sex out of your relationship—just for a little while. Some couples find that when there’s no pressure to have sex, it’s easier to focus on rekindling the romance and passion of their relationship.
Ultimately, deciding to spice up or temporarily pause intimacy is up to you and whatever you think will be best for your relationship.
If your sex life feels too stagnant, a sex therapist can also help you reestablish intimacy with your partner.
13
Remind yourself that all relationships have ups and downs. It’s normal to go through a “honeymoon phase” at the beginning of a relationship when everything feels new, exciting, and full of passion. As you settle into the relationship, that initial excitement often fades, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or that you don’t love your partner as much.[13]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source
All honeymoon phases fade, and long-term relationships often go through periods of high intimacy and periods that feel less intense and exciting.
So, don’t give up hope if your relationship goes through a period of stagnation. It’s very normal, and with time and effort, you can bring back the passion and excitement.
Many factors, from neglect to broken trust, can affect a relationship. Ultimately, there are plenty of reasons why a relationship can lose its spark—and sometimes, there’s more than one cause of problems between partners. Consider whether any of these causes might be affecting your relationship:[14]XResearch source
Lack of appreciation. You and your partner take each other for granted and don’t appreciate one another’s efforts in the relationship.
Broken trust. You don’t trust your partner (or vice versa), which can mean that you don’t feel safe with them. This can be caused by infidelity or dishonesty.
Neglecting communication. You tend to have surface-level conversations or aren’t on the same page in terms of your needs and expectations.
Lack of quality time. You rarely spend one-on-one time, go on dates, or do activities just for fun together.
Emotional unavailability. You or your partner are distant, emotionally unavailable, or unwilling to commit to the relationship fully.
One-sided effort. You feel like you’re putting in all the effort to organize dates, start conversations, and keep the relationship afloat.
Lack of arguments. You and your partner tend to sweep disagreements and big issues under the rug instead of talking them out.
A relationship lacking affection or communication might be in decline. It’s not always easy to tell when your relationship is losing its spark—but once you acknowledge it, you can also take steps to rekindle that spark. So, if you’re worried that your relationship might be dwindling, look for the following signs:[15]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source
You used to have a sex life, but it’s now more or less nonexistent.
Neither of you say “I love you” anymore.
You don’t kiss one another hello or goodbye.
You don’t go on dates or spend quality time together.
You don’t show any physical affection toward one another.
You go to bed at different times or sleep in separate beds.
You no longer celebrate milestones (like anniversaries).
You criticize one another for even the smallest, least important things.
You can absolutely rekindle a relationship if both partners make an effort. It’s true that not all fading relationships are rekindled—but that’s because relationships need to be nurtured over time. So, if you both choose to love one another, navigate ups and downs as a team, and cultivate emotional closeness, you have a much better chance of getting the spark back in your relationship.[16]XResearch source
The “spark” in relationships may actually be caused by your brain releasing hormones like dopamine and norepinephrine (which regulate pleasure and arousal) as well as oxytocin and vasopressin (which support attachment).
So, although the initial excitement of a relationship won’t last forever, doing things to bring you closer to your partner (and trigger your brain to produce those hormones) can make it feel like the spark has returned to your relationship.
Rekindle the Spark with this Expert Series
Are you feeling disconnected from your husband? Use these expert articles to rekindle the spark through flirting, romance, and quality time.
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This article was co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau. Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles. This article has been viewed 264,810 times.
To put the spark back in your relationship, talk to your partner about what each of you wants and needs so you can figure out what’s missing from your relationship. If there are things you want to do together more often or things you want your partner to do or say more often, now is the time to share this with your significant other. Then, show your partner how much you care by planning surprise dinner dates, bringing home flowers, or helping with household chores. When you spend time together, flirt with your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship by complimenting their looks or giving them playful squeezes. To learn more, including how to plan nostalgic dates to revitalize your romance, read on!
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Reminisce about your favorite memories together. Bring the spark back to your romance by returning to the beginning; recall memories from the beginning of the relationship (which is usually when passion is highest). Chat with your partner about how you met, your first kiss, your favorite dates, and the best times you spent together in the past.[1]
Accept the things you can't change about your partner. Everyone has bad habits. When you're with someone for a long time, a mild flaw can start to grate on you. Try to work on accepting those things about your partner that you can't change rather than letting their relatively small imperfections unravel the relationship.[2]
Focus on improving your communication as a couple. If you feel you’re in a relationship rut, odds are your partner feels the same. Work on expressing your wants and needs to your partner while also listening to theirs.[3] The more comfortable you are letting your partner know how you feel and what you expect from them, the deeper your connection (and trust) will grow.
Let go of old resentments and work toward forgiveness. If the relationship is losing its spark due to arguments and bitterness, that means reconciliation is the goal. First, sit down with your partner and acknowledge the problem. Then, if you can both resolve to move forward and repair the relationship, do your best to let go, forgive your partner, and heal any old wounds.[4]
Practice gratitude for your partner. Remind your partner that you appreciate them and don’t take them for granted. Acknowledge all the little things they do that you’re grateful for each day—whether you express your gratitude in person or through texts. The simple act of showing gratitude for your partner can make them feel valued and loved![5]
Make romantic gestures using your partner’s love language. How does your partner like to be shown affection and love? Find out their love language (words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch), you can figure out which romantic gestures will mean the most to them. Similarly, make sure they know your love language, too, so they can love you in a way you’ll appreciate.[6] If you don't know how each of you likes to give and receive love, take our love langue quiz!
Share secrets to rebuild the trust and intimacy between you. “Intimacy” isn’t just sex—it’s also emotional closeness. So, if you feel like your relationship has gotten off track, rebuild that closeness by telling them a secret you’ve never told anyone, a dream that you want to realize someday, a fantasy, or a treasured memory. This also tells your partner that you trust them fully.[7]
Schedule date nights and prioritize quality time together. First, consider how you’ve been prioritizing the relationship thus far. Are you paying enough attention to them—and are they doing the same for you? It’s easy for your career or children to get in the way of quality time, which is why it’s so important to schedule dates and other activities with your partner.[8]
Try new things to bring excitement into the relationship. Sometimes, you may forget that fun is vital to relationships—so make time for it! Plan out fun, romantic activities to do together, especially ones you’ve never done before and activities that get your heart racing. Studies show that adrenaline can increase attraction, so going on adventures together can actually strengthen your bond.[9]
Make yourself feel attractive. Did you know that your own insecurities can lessen the spark of a relationship? If you're feeling bad about yourself, you might pull away from your partner without realizing it. Find ways to feel good about yourself, whether that means changing up your style a bit or reciting positive affirmations to build your confidence.[10]
Kiss and show affection for one another more often. When a relationship stagnates, even simple expressions of affection like kissing can become less frequent. So, try to kiss your partner more often, and you might find your romantic feelings for one another grow stronger too! Express your affection in other ways too—like hugging and snuggling together.[11]
Spice up your sex life. Your sex life can be an important factor in your romantic relationship. If things are beginning to feel stale, find ways to reignite your sexual passion. Try anything from exploring new positions to role-playing or toys—and if you don’t know where to start, simply discuss your fantasies and desires with your partner (and learn about theirs, too).[12]
Remind yourself that all relationships have ups and downs. It’s normal to go through a “honeymoon phase” at the beginning of a relationship when everything feels new, exciting, and full of passion. As you settle into the relationship, that initial excitement often fades, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or that you don’t love your partner as much.[13]
"It reminded me that I must also play a part for my relationship to work and realise that relationship is a two-way street not only one way."..." more
