How to Talk Dirty

Co-authored by Jacqueline Hellyer

Last Updated: August 21, 2024 Fact Checked

Talking dirty is a great way to connect with your lover and to kick things up a notch in the bedroom. To master dirty talk, you just have to slowly get more comfortable opening up verbally in bed (or if you're sexting, over the phone). Talk about your bedroom moves in a provocative way as they are happening. With a little practice, you can soon be amping up the intimacy and passion in the bedroom by talking dirty with your partner.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Starting To Talk Dirty

1
Give a few compliments. Start small. Just tell your lover how amazing they look or how great they are in bed. Just say, "You look amazing with your shirt off," or "It feels so good to be with you tonight." You can give a compliment to a specific body part by saying something like, "Your arms are so toned" or "I just can't get enough of your legs." Make your lover feel sexy and appreciated.
- Or, if you're texting them in the middle of the day, tell them what you wish you were doing: "God, what I would do to relive last night right now.."
2
Start with some soft-core dirty talk. Take it a step further by initiating some soft-core dirty talk. This doesn't mean that you have to say anything X-rated. It just means that you can start talking about how much pleasure you feel and how turned on you are in a PG-13 kind of way. Whether you're sexting or talking dirty IRL, here are some phrases to try:
- "I want you so bad."
- "I've wanted you all day."
- "You smell so good."
- "I've been looking forward to this."
- "You look so sexy right now."
- "You always know how to turn me on right away."
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3
Don't think of it as a performance. The easiest way to feel embarrassment or pressure when trying to talk dirty is to think of it as a performance. There's no wrong way to talk dirty; it should be an authentic expression of yourself. Don't say anything you don't want to, don't talk any more than what feels comfortable, and don't use any words you don't feel comfortable with.^{[1]
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- Sometimes, dirty talk over text is a good way to get used to this. It might be easier to be open and bold over the phone, and then eventually, you'll feel comfortable enough to bring that energy into real life.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting More Specific

1
Say "I love when you [verb] my [body part]." This is the perfect formula for a turn-on. There are a variety of verbs and body parts that you could insert into this sentence to turn your partner on. Here are a few of the milder options, though you can imagine some naughtier options as well:
- "I love it when you kiss my neck."
- "I love it when you touch my thighs."
- "I love it when you lick my ears."
- "I love it when you stroke my back."
- Of course, you can always switch up the exact words you use for variation. For example, these same sentences can easily expressed as "It's so nice when you [verb] my [body part]" as well.
2
Give a play-by-play. Describe what's happening as it's happening. Act like you're a sexy sports commentator and that you and your lover are the only team in town. Add, "I love it when..." or "It feels so good when you..." followed by what's happening to add extra pleasure to the event. Talking about what's happening while it's happening will make everything feel twice as good.^{[2]
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Research source} Here are some things you can say:
- "I love getting on top of you."
- "I love seeing you take your shirt off."
- "I love kissing your neck."
- "I love taking off my clothes for you."
3
Ask if your lover likes what you're doing. As you continue to touch and caress your lover, ask if they like what you’re doing to them. Don’t just say, “Do you like that?” over and over. Instead, mix it up and make it specific, asking your lover if they like exactly what you’re doing to them. This can be a great way to learn more about what your partner enjoys!^{[3]
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Jacqueline Hellyer. Licensed Psychosexual Therapist.} Here are some things you can say:^{[4]
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- ”Do you like it when I touch you there?”
- "Do you like it when I kiss you like this?”
- "Does it feel good when I stroke you here/like this?”
Don’t be afraid to tell your lover how good they are making you feel. Even a simple, “I’m so turned on” or "You're making me so.." can go a long way. Your partner will be more turned on just by hearing about how excited you are. You can be more specific about how turned on you feel and can even refer to your private parts for emphasis.^{[5]
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5
Continue to mix it up. As you continue talking dirty, just remember to keep things fresh by finding new things to say that turn your lover on. Don’t just use one technique—try using as many as you can if they turn you on. Try to be as specific as you can while you’re mixing things up.
- Don’t just say that something feels good—tell your lover which part of your body feels good. If you’re so turned on that you feel it in your toes, tell them.
6
Reveal your fantasies. Revealing your sexiest fantasy is a great way to talk dirty. Tell your lover your most illicit sexual fantasy. See if they can fulfill it. If you and your lover are really comfortable with each other, just let loose. Tell him/her everything you’ve always wanted and see how much it turns them on.^{[6]
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- Just proceed with caution. If it’s really illicit, then you may want to get to make sure you’re really comfortable with your lover before you tell them your deepest darkest fantasy.
Simply telling your lover that you’re about to have an orgasm or that you can feel it coming will turn both of you on more. This will add even more build-up and will make you both feel even more excited when it does happen.^{[7]
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8
Give orders to your lover. Don’t be afraid to boss your lover around a bit. Tell them what you want them to do to you and be the taskmaster as they fulfill all of your desires. You can start simple, by saying, “Take my shirt off” or “Take off your pants” and get more elaborate as you start making love. ^{[8]
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- Don’t be afraid to get a little aggressive. Be the boss and tell your lover exactly what you want them to do to you.
- You can both take turns giving orders. After you’ve been the boss for a while, try being a bit more submissive and do whatever your lover wants.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Being Thoughtful When Talking Dirty

1
Make sure both people are comfortable with dirty talk. Though dirty talking is an amazing part of sex for many couples, it does not make everyone comfortable. If your partner is just not okay with it, don't force it. If you try to force it, your partner will be ticked off instead of turned on.
- Also, it's okay if your partner enjoys your dirty talk but isn't comfortable reciprocating. Of course, if you only enjoy dirty talk when it's going both ways, it might be better to forgo it completely. But it's perfectly acceptable to bring dirty talk into the bedroom even if only one of you is actually doing the talking.
2
Communicate boundaries. Though you and your lover probably won't have a sit-down discussion about your expectations during dirty talk before your first sexual adventure, your boundaries should be communicated. You will probably start your first dirty talk session spontaneously, but at some point you should both make it clear if there are any words that make you uncomfortable.
- If your lover says something too crude or offensive for you in bed, don't stop and get angry. Simply say something like, "Please don't say that again." If your lover doesn't get the message, then you can stop the action.
- If you're too embarrassed to admit that a certain word makes you uncomfortable during sex, mention it afterwards. Make sure your lover gets the picture.
3
Don't confuse sex play with out-of-the-bedroom dynamics. Remember that the things you and your lover say to each other in the bedroom are part of sex play and are not meant to be taken seriously in the real world. If your partner lets you say certain things to them in bed or call them a certain word, this does not mean that they would be comfortable with this expression out of bed.^{[9]
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- You may find that you and your lover take on certain roles when you're talking dirty in bed. This does not mean that these roles reflect on your real roles in the relationship.
Use common sense and avoid using words and phrases that could possibly offend until you've both talked about your boundaries and likes and dislikes when it comes to dirty talk. Start slowly and follow your lover's lead at first to understand what works for them. You don't want to kill the mood by saying something degrading or offensive that really hurts your lover.
5
Watch porn for dirty talk ideas. If you want to talk dirty but feel lost or uncreative, watch some porn for an idea of the kinds of things that people say to each other in bed. Of course, the dirty talk in porn may be a bit extreme compared to what you have in mind for your own bedroom moves, but it can help generate some ideas.
- If you're both comfortable with it, try watching porn together with your lover. It can give you great dirty talk ideas and turn you on at the same time. You can both comment on what words and phrases the actors use that you like.
Though dirty talk is part of sex play and is not meant to represent reality, you should still be yourself. You should still sound like yourself, just like a raunchier, naughtier version of yourself. The more you feel like yourself, the more comfortable you'll feel, and the easier it will be for you to explore your dirty talk potential.^{[10]
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Join the Discussion...

Basic pointers how to dirty talk?

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WikiLemmingFlyer757

I (m33) have been with my gf (f34) for 2 years now. We both want to spice things up in the bedroom a little more with some dirty talk, but neithe... Read More

WikiAntelopeKeeper764

You'll get better and more comfortable as you go, I promise. :) A good "beginner-friendly" technique is asking her what she wants you to do to he... Read More

WikiGladeJumper104

Communication is key here! Different people like different things. Talk to your partner about if there are certain names or dynamics that especia... Read More

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Can dirty talk involve trains?

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Dirty talk can involve anything you want it to as long as you are both consenting adults that are considerate of each other's boundaries. (You never know, getting into the train talk could get things steamy and send your partner off the rails.)

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How often should I talk dirty to my partner?

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Every now and then is okay. Just don't make it so much that your relationship revolves around sex and dirty talk.

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Am I doing sex wrong if I don't dirty talk?

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Not at all! It's honestly hard for me to say anything because I get shy. It's totally fine not to dirty talk.

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Tips

Dirty talk doesn't have to be difficult. Simply start by thinking about what you love about your partner, and then tell him exactly what went through your mind. It's a good start that will lead to an even hotter ending!

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Remember, talking dirty only works if you have mutual attractions toward each other. Using dirty talk as a pickup line will make you seem like a sleazy pervert.

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Are you at a loss for words or do you still feel uncomfortable talking about it? "Dirty" talk doesn't have to include swear words. Try just moaning or breathing to tell your partner how you feel. Or try something simple, such as "oh, yes!" or "I love it when you do that." Let the inflection in your voice tell the rest of the story.

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