How to Talk Dirty in Bed

Co-authored by Jacqueline Hellyer

Last Updated: September 30, 2024 Fact Checked

Talking dirty in bed with your partner isn't always an easy thing to do. Research says that sexual communication is directly linked to an increased sexual satisfaction.^{[1]
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Research source} The more comfortable you are talking dirty, the more comfortable you are in the act of sex itself.^{[2]
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Research source} Dirty talking can even lend itself to open up important conversations outside the bedroom like using protection, likes and dislikes, or even proper consent. Perhaps you are someone who simply wants to spice things up.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking Dirty in the Bedroom

1
Start simple. You don't need to immediately say a well-rehearsed line. Position yourself close to your partner's ear.^{[3]
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Research source} Once your intimacy has progressed, try saying something like this softly into their ear:
- "Mmmmmm"
- "Ohhhhh"
- "Yes"
- "Ahhhh"^{[4]
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  Research source}
2
Turn it up a notch.^{[5]
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Research source} You don't need to say a whole sentence. You're merely saying one or two words that will increase the intensity of what's going on in bed. You could whisper these into your partner's ear or even try saying them with a moan:^{[6]
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Research source}
- "Keep going"
- "Wow"
- "Faster"
- "Deeper"
- "Harder"
- "Don't stop"^{[7]
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  Research source}
3
Go for full phrases. Once you've become comfortable saying simple sounds or easy phrases, you're ready to use full on phrases. Both long and short phrases are effective and really vary on people and the situation.^{[8]
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Research source} If you are still unsure what you should say, try some of these out:
- "You feel so good"
- "I want to feel you deeper"
- "I want to be yours"
- "I wish you could do that all night!"^{[9]
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  Research source}
^{[10]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} You don't have to be so mechanical about talking dirty during sex. Just say what you're feeling, what you're doing, or what you're experiencing in that moment.^{[11]
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Research source} As you start speaking dirty in the bedroom, try to avoid crude terms until you have a good idea of how your partner will respond.^{[12]
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Research source}
^{[13]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Afterwards, take some time to go over what worked and what didn't. You won't be an expert instantly, so you'll need to give your partner and yourself time to discuss your turn-ons and turn-offs. The best time to talk about these is right after sex, when both of you are relaxed and want to be close.^{[14]
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Research source}
If you are feeling the urge, just whisper to your partner during sex, "talk dirty to me." You may find that even this phrase will spice up the action. There is also a chance that your partner is turned on by this invitation and could really move things forward.^{[15]
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Research source}
Many couples will initiate foreplay with speaking dirty to one another. You could call your partner on the phone and tell them how you're excited to see them and drop a simple line like, "I'd like to kiss and nibble your neck."^{[16]
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Research source} Catching your partner off guard with dirty talk could lead to an exciting night.
^{[17]
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Research source} If it feels natural, modulate your voice when getting close to your partner. Changing the way you say something in order to release what you are feeling can elevate both of your moods. Whether you scream, whisper, or moan, release whatever you're feeling. Respect your partner and be careful not to put them out of their comfort zone.^{[18]
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Research source}

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Communicating Without Words

1
Moan when the feeling is right. You don't always have to say words in order to spice up communication during sex. Researchers found that nonverbal communication is more linked to sexual satisfaction than verbal communication.^{[19]
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Research source} Moaning is an easy first step, that won't feel too outside your comfort zone, but it will excite things.^{[20]
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Research source}
- Don't over-exaggerate.
Increasing the volume at which you breathe or sigh, will help your intimacy become more vocal.^{[21]
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Research source}
3
Use your body language. You can communicate a lot to your partner by softly biting your lip. Body language can get points across in the bedroom, even if you're not trying to reveal something.^{[22]
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Research source} Careful if you are prone to holding in your emotions because they'll come out through your body language.^{[23]
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Research source} This is why it's important to be aware of your body language before sex and use it to your advantage during sex.
- What position you choose can say a lot. For instance, if you go on top, then you have full control of your pleasure and your partners'.
Eye contact can speak the loudest if used at the right time in the bedroom. It can be a great way to initiate things. During sex, eye contact allows you to read your partner's facial expressions and help you gauge if things are working.^{[24]
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Research source}

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Relaxing and Preparation

If you are not use to talking dirty in the bedroom, you might feel anxious or worried. These feelings can overwhelm your thoughts and cause your intimacy to be ruined.^{[25]
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Research source} Practice deep breathing exercises or even try yoga.
Focus more on the moment. If you're prone to feeling insecure you could prepare the bedroom or your wardrobe to boost your self-esteem. Set-up the mood lighting with candles or use a thin blanket draped over a light to dim the atmosphere.
Don't get inspiration for talking dirty from porn. Porn is a poor representation of genuine intimacy between a couple.^{[26]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Watch a good movie like Match Point, Unfaithful, or Y Tu Mama Tambien.^{[27]
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Research source} These are also great movies to watch with your partner that will get the blood moving.
It's not supposed to be serious, and it's more fun when you can play around with ideas and words.
Say them out loud to yourself or try using them in a sentence like normal. The more you become comfortable saying words like "sexy," "breasts," "vagina," or "penis," the less frightening the words are. They're just parts of the human anatomy.
Doing this will give your phrases an air of personality. Verbs commonly used are 'stroke,' 'squeeze,' 'suck,' or 'touch'.

Join the Discussion...

Basic pointers how to dirty talk?

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WikiLemmingFlyer757

I (m33) have been with my gf (f34) for 2 years now. We both want to spice things up in the bedroom a little more with some dirty talk, but neithe... Read More

WikiAntelopeKeeper764

You'll get better and more comfortable as you go, I promise. :) A good "beginner-friendly" technique is asking her what she wants you to do to he... Read More

WikiGladeJumper104

Communication is key here! Different people like different things. Talk to your partner about if there are certain names or dynamics that especia... Read More

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Question

How do you talk dirty without being awkward?

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Jacqueline Hellyer is a Licensed Psychosexual Therapist and the Founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. With over 20 years of experience, Jacqueline specializes in sex advice, sex tips, and relationship advice. In addition to being an accredited Psychosexual Therapist with the Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS), Jacqueline is also a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF). Jacqueline holds a BSc in Biochemistry and Human Sciences from The Australian National University, a Graduate Diploma in Applied Science from the University of Canberra, a BA in Languages and Literature from the University of New England (AU), an MSc in Sexual Health from The University of Sydney, and an MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology from The Alef Trust. Her work and expertise have been featured in Australian Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Australian Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and 60 Minutes.

Jacqueline Hellyer

Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Answer

Focus on what you're actually feeling, not what you're doing. Don't worry about what you "should" be doing, or if you're doing things "right."

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Question

How can I connect better sexually with my partner?

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Jacqueline Hellyer is a Licensed Psychosexual Therapist and the Founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. With over 20 years of experience, Jacqueline specializes in sex advice, sex tips, and relationship advice. In addition to being an accredited Psychosexual Therapist with the Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS), Jacqueline is also a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF). Jacqueline holds a BSc in Biochemistry and Human Sciences from The Australian National University, a Graduate Diploma in Applied Science from the University of Canberra, a BA in Languages and Literature from the University of New England (AU), an MSc in Sexual Health from The University of Sydney, and an MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology from The Alef Trust. Her work and expertise have been featured in Australian Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Australian Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and 60 Minutes.

Jacqueline Hellyer

Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

Expert Answer

Communication is key! Try to get in touch with what you're feeling and communicating that with your significant other. Encourage your partner to do the same—when you communicate and read other well, you're co-creating something that's working for both of you.

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Tips

You don't have to come up with anything extravagant. Nothing beats the good old-fashioned "that feels so good" or "don't stop"

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It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Say anything! It doesn't really matter what.

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Practice during your personal time. This gives you a fluent understanding of what you expect and what they might expect.

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Warnings

Start small, and work up your confidence.

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You don't want to embarrass yourself, you want to build up your confidence. Whoever it is you're with will appreciate a minimal gesture.

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