How to Get a Girl to Open up to You when You're a Guy

Co-authored by JT Tran

Last Updated: August 9, 2024 References

Getting someone to open up to you is difficult. If you're interested in developing a closer relationship with a female friend or family or a potential romantic partner, a good deal of patience and understanding is needed. Through non judgmental active listening, and an understanding of how women communicate, you can eventually develop a strong relationship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Communicating Effectively

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1
Take the lead in the conversation at first. If you're talking to someone who's a little shy, sometimes it can help if you guide the conversation until she feels comfortable. Talk about yourself a little, then use the conversation to ask questions that will let you learn more about her. Chances are, that will give her time to relax, and she'll start to follow your lead and open up as well.^{[1]
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JT Tran
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- For instance, you might talk about your love of travel, then ask her where she'd go if a private jet could take her anywhere in the world.
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Practice active listening. One of the first things you need to do to get a girl to open up is listen. Practicing active listening can help a girl feel like what she says matters. This will make her feel like she can open up to you.
- Always maintain eye contact when she talks and give verbal and non verbal cues that you are paying attention. Nod, smile, and laugh at appropriate moments. Reiterate what she's feeling and saying so she knows you understand.^{[2]
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- Avoid any distractions during communication. Stay away from looking at your smart phone screen or laptop. If you get a phone call, ignore it unless it's absolutely vital to answer.^{[3]
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- If you don't understand something she says, feel free to ask questions. However, wait until she's done talking and say something like, "Could you explain that more? I'm not sure I fully understand."^{[4]
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- However, prioritize listening to what the other person is saying (rather than thinking about what you’ll say next).
- Reader Poll: We asked 378 wikiHow readers how they like to show that they’re actively listening, and only 10% of them said that they like to ask thoughtful questions. [Take Poll]
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Refrain from judgment. Judgment can be toxic when trying to get someone to open up to you. If you want a girl to open up, you need to avoid passing judgment during the conversation.
- Women communicate differently from men in that they're not always seeking advice or insight. They're merely trying to express and understand their feelings through communication. Therefore, it's best not to offer advice unless specifically asked. Simply listen and try to understand her feelings.
- Vulnerability means expressing thoughts and feelings one is uncomfortable with or even ashamed of. Try to assure your female friend her feelings, even negative feelings, are okay and she should be able to express them to you without fear of judgment.
Tell your female friend how much you appreciate it when she shares things with you. People sometimes feel insecure about opening up as they don't want to burden others. Letting your friend know you appreciate that she feels comfortable talking to you will help foster a healthy, comfortable relationship that encourages openness.
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Ask open ended questions. When talking to your female friend, you should ask questions that are open ended and promote closeness. There are 36 questions psychiatrists have identified that promote intimacy and closeness between two people.
- Some questions are fun, ice breaker type questions. For example, "If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would you choose and why?" The questions, which need to be asked in a certain order, gradually build in seriousness. Eventually, you'll build up to questions like, "What is your most terrible memory?" and "How do you feel about your relationship with others?"^{[5]
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- You can find a full list of questions online. Remember to ask them in order. Ideally, it should take around 45 minutes to ask all the questions.^{[6]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Understanding Communication

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1
Embrace differences between genders regarding communication. Men and women do tend to communicate differently. While there are certainly exceptions, and not everyone falls strictly into certain categories, there do seem to be some identifiable differences in communication between genders in a general sense.
- Women like to vent when they're frustrated while men like to offer solutions to problems head on. If your female friend expresses frustration or sadness over something, understand expressing these feelings is not a means to an end for her. It's an end in and of itself. You do not need to offer a solution. Only listen and express understanding and sympathy.
- Women are often exploring their thoughts when speaking. If your female friend says anything that feels contradictory or confusing, do not point it out. She is likely aware her thoughts are somewhat muddled. She is expressing such thoughts to try and gleam a greater understanding of them. Allow her time to talk, even to ramble, without trying to articulate or explain anything for her.
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Learn how to effectively engage in difficult discussions. On occasion, you'll have to have difficult discussion with a female friend or girlfriend. Understand how to best engage in hard talks.
- Plan to discuss the issue at a specific time and then state your intentions. What do you hope to gain by this discussion? What issues do you want resolved?^{[7]
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- If there's some kind of break or negativity between the two of you, take responsibility for your part in the issue. Remember, relationships are two way streets. Avoid trying to explain or justify your roll in the situation. Try to understand more than be understood.^{[8]
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- Be patient. Feelings of frustration and impatience are a normal part of a hard conversation. If you allow these feelings to pass over and keep going towards a resolution, you'll be able to effectively resolve the issue.^{[9]
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Examine yourself. Developing a sense of self awareness about what drives your feelings and reactions can help it be easier for others to open up to you. Try to understand your own needs, wants, fears, and expectations. You're more likely to catch yourself engaging with someone in a negative way if you know what factors cause you to act in fear, anger, or insecurity.^{[10]
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- When you're around someone you like, remember that it's important to be yourself. If you're not being genuine and authentic, that will show, and it could push her away.^{[11]
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  JT Tran
  Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}

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Question

If I'm on a date with a girl who's shy, how can I help her feel comfortable opening up to me?

JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

JT Tran

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

What I like to do is take the lead conversationally until she's comfortable. Always be open to what she has to say, but talk about the things you like, things you want to do, and what your dreams are. Then, ask leading questions to get her to talk about herself, as well.

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What happens if a girl responds with "I don't know" or "lol" to every message I send?

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Unfortunately it sounds like she's not really interested in talking to you and just doesn't know how to say so. I would give her some space and see if she initiates a conversation. If not, I would stop trying to engage with her.

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How can I make someone open up to me if they're just a generally secretive person?

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Don't rush anything or try to force them to open up to you. Just let a friendship develop with that person naturally and do your best to show them that you are trustworthy and kind. Over time they might feel more comfortable opening up to you, but if not, you'll have to respect that.

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Tips

Take it slow. Going too fast will never help you. Intimacy takes time.

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Make it clear you care about establishing a good relationship. Women, and most people, will be more receptive to communication and openness if they know another person is trying to foster a solid friendship or romantic partnership.

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