How to Get to Know a Girl Before an Arranged Marriage

Co-authored by Maria Avgitidis

Last Updated: October 7, 2023

An arranged marriage can lead to enduring companionship and love. Getting to know your bride-to-be before you marry will help you dissolve your inhibitions and begin your life together on a foundation of friendship and respect.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking to Her

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Take advantage of the time you and your betrothed have together, even if a family member or chaperone is nearby. This is how you'll learn more about her, such as her likes and dislikes. The more time you have together, the better sense you will have of how well the two of you get along.^{[1]
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Choose the right meeting place. You want to break the ice, so select a setting that will relax you and your lady. This will allow for open communication.^{[2]
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Research source} You have plenty of options, but make sure that your meeting place is outside the home.
- Consider a public park or other outdoor setting.
- Restaurants and coffee shops are also good options.
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Meeting outside the home will also give you the opportunity to observe how she acts in social settings. Observe how she comports herself. How does she treat members of the opposite sex, strangers, and people below her social class?^{[3]
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Remember, she may be just as nervous as you are, so start off by asking questions about her hobbies, her favorite foods, the meaning of her name, etc. If she is not forthcoming at first, you can talk about yourself and she will gradually open up to you.^{[4]
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Discuss what she would like in terms of education, career, and raising a family. Does she wish to stay home and raise children? Does she wish to have a career and work outside the home? What are her family's and religion's expectations when it comes to her being a full-time, stay-at-home mom versus working outside the home? These are all important points to go over.
- Discuss how you would both like to handle raising a child as well. Do you plan to put your kids in daycare, or will they be raised by one of you? If she wishes to stay home and raise your children, does she see that as a lost opportunity to have a career? Would that make her resentful, or does she feel that full-time motherhood is her calling?
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Inquire about her expectations for marriage. Yes, marriage is about compromise, but both of you will have expectations from your relationship together. Sharing these, you can begin to envision a life together.^{[5]
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- Ask, “What are your hopes for marriage?”
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Find out about her responsibilities to her parents. She may have financial obligations to her family, which she may want to honor even after marriage.^{[6]
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- Ask, “What are your duties to your parents?”
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Share openly. As intimacy develops between you, you’ll want to take the time to divulge your longings, fears, personal history, and so on, and to find out about hers. This will bring you closer together, and help you find commonalities and assess your compatibility.^{[7]
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- Tell a funny story from your childhood.
- Ask about her school and college days.
This is a chance for her to ask questions she might others be too shy to ask. Be prepared to answer questions that may make you uncomfortable, such as medical and financial ones. Afterwards, she will probably allow you to do the same.^{[8]
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Part 2

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Doing Activities Together

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Not all cultures and religions allow betrothed couples to have private time together before an arranged marriage. With this in mind, group activities are a great way to spend some quality time together while also spending time with others. Check with your youth group and see what types of sports and activities you can both attend in the future.
Look for a lecture or other faith-filled group activity that's being hosted by your faith community. This is a great opportunity to spend time together in a group setting where other family and community members will be present.
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Take a class together. Whether it’s painting, pottery, or cooking, classes are great dates because there is something to focus on if you’re nervous. If you have a particular skill, it’s a great opportunity to show it off for your lady. Afterwards, you’ll be able to talk about the class together.
- If you don’t want to spend the money on a class, you can recreate the experience with a video or online recipe.^{[9]
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You will bond over beautiful works of art, and will have much to discuss, and possibly, debate. This is another great way to have focused conversation that can easily segue into more a personal exchange.

Part 3

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Familiarizing Yourself With Her Interests

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Ask about her way of life. Ask her questions about her friends and what she does for fun. This will help you get a sense of whether she is introverted or extroverted by nature.^{[10]
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- Try asking, “What do you in your free time?” You may even offer to join her for one of these activities.
Join them for dinner, or casual socializing. Observing her with her family will help you understand who she is and how she gets along with the people closest to her. It will also allow you to see what she will be like when you start a family together. Seeing how she interacts with her friends will enable you to imagine sharing a group of friends.^{[11]
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Ask about her clothing. If your family is traditional and she likes Western attire, there may be a conflict. However, you may find that she or your family is willing to compromise.^{[12]
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- If it’s the case that she wears Western clothing and your family is conservative, you can explain your family’s preferences, and ask, “Would be open to dressing more traditionally?”

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Do I have to go for counseling before getting married?

Raegan Scanlan

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It's not required, but research reveals the benefits of relationship counseling before you get married. If done well, your marriage will last a lifetime. Premarital counseling can be a powerful way for you and your partner to prepare for the life and family you are creating together.

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Is it OK for a girl to discuss eliminating the dowry that the guy's family demands to mitigate her parents' financial problems?

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Yes, a girl could by all means talk about dowry demands with the guy. You can even request it be totally cancelled, depending upon the law of the country you live in. Dowry can be negotiated, and costs could be shared by both the parties.

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