14 Signs Your Wife Is Not Attracted To You (& How to Move Forward)

Download Article

Recognizing and repairing signs of a fading marriage

Co-authored by Omar Ruiz, LMFT and Mason Martinez, BA

Last Updated: July 12, 2024 Fact Checked

Download Article

Signs Your Wife Isn’t Attracted to You

|

What to Do If You Think Your Wife Isn't Attracted to You

|

Video

|

Expert Interview

When you first get married, the honeymoon phase is real. You want to spend every waking moment with your wife and shower her with love and affection. But over time, your love may not feel reciprocated, and you may wonder, "Is she still attracted to me?" To help you figure out what's going on, here's a list of the most common signs that a spouse is no longer attracted to their partner, plus what to do about it.

Things You Should Know

Less quality time, minimal conversation, and lack of physical intimacy and romance could be signs that your wife isn't attracted to you anymore.
To bridge the gap between you and your wife, take time to self-improve, build better communication habits, and meet her emotional needs.
Improve your bedroom life by asking her about her fantasies, what she needs, and how you can help to get her there.

Section 1 of 2:

Signs Your Wife Isn’t Attracted to You

Download Article

1
You no longer spend quality time together. At the start of a relationship, it's natural to want to spend every second in each other's company. But when time spent together declines, it can be one of the first signals of your wife's lack of attraction.
- Even if you're in each other's presence, if she's on her phone or distracted by other things, that's not "quality" time.
2
She doesn’t laugh at your jokes anymore. When you first started dating, you might have found your wife laughing at everything you did—even if you weren’t trying. But now, anytime you crack a joke, you’re met with silence or empty stares.
- Laughter indicates a romantic connection and is one of the most valuable traits in a partner.^{[1]
  X
  Research source}
Advertisement
When your wife ignores your sexual advances, recoils from your touch, or avoids kissing you, it can be a real blow to your ego. It can also create a bigger divide in the relationship, where you begin to feel emotionally withdrawn from her.^{[2]
X
Research source}
4
She doesn't initiate physical contact. It's normal for spouses to have different levels of desire. In fact, it's a rarity for two people to have the same! But, when every advance comes from only you, it can feel discouraging when the same efforts aren't reciprocated.
- Reader Poll: We asked 919 wikiHow readers, and 66% of them agreed that the most relatable sign that their marriage isn’t in the best place is there's little to no physical or emotional intimacy. [Take Poll]
What was once an exciting and passionate experience shared between you has become dull. You may even question what you're doing wrong. Sex often becomes a routine in married life, sandwiched between all of your other responsibilities like work, household chores, or children. The more sex lacks excitement, the less likely it is to happen.
There may have been a time when your wife would surprise you with morning breakfast or an unexpected present, but now that’s changed. You no longer feel special and may even feel like a burden to her.
While having a partner who never gets jealous may seem like a dream, sometimes it's a sign of a bigger problem. Jealousy is a reaction to the potential loss of a valued relationship.^{[3]
X
Research source} If she's no longer bothered to care if you're checking out other women, she may be one foot out the door.
Solo time is essential for every couple, but the more you do things apart, the more it feels like you're on two separate paths. Where you once may have done everything together now feels the complete opposite.
Receiving repeated, "Sorry, staying late. Don't wait up." texts can be disheartening when you're on the other end. While it's important to have individual goals when your wife's personal goals and interests take priority over your relationship, it can strain the relationship more, causing you to feel isolated and disconnected.^{[4]
X
Research source}
When trapped in a routine of work and other responsibilities, it can be hard to initiate an engaging conversation if things aren't necessarily "exciting" in your life. Even so, a simple "How was your day?" should be more than a one-word answer, right? If not, that's a sign your wife is putting less effort into nurturing her relationship with you.^{[5]
X
Research source}
Once, there was a time when your wife turned to you for advice. Now, she's disinterested in what you have to offer. When this happens, it's a detrimental sign of an unhealthy relationship, especially when paired with other key signs like difficulty conversing or frequent arguments.^{[6]
X
Research source}
If your wife believes she's in an unhappy relationship, she may tend to only see the negatives in it. It may be small things like how you chew or bigger things like constantly putting you down.^{[7]
X
Research source} Often, this reaction stems from unresolved resentment.
It may be a stranger in passing, her favorite character on a TV show, or an old high school crush. However, hearing your wife gush over anyone but you can be challenging. While fantasies are typical for a lot of couples, they also signal how someone feels about their relationship, depending on how sexually satisfied they are.^{[8]
X
Research source}
Unlike the honeymoon phase, the roommate phase of a marriage is where spouses have become too comfortable living together. You may watch TV together, but the magic spark you once felt is gone.^{[9]
X
Research source}

EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

A lack of intimacy can definitely be a red flag. Chances are, there are deeper issues your wife is struggling with, like an unresolved conflict, a stressful life change, or even a health issue. Still, a lack of romance doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care about you.

Section 2 of 2:

What to Do If You Think Your Wife Isn't Attracted to You

Download Article

1
Prioritize quality time to improve your emotional connection. It's easy to let work, familial, or household responsibilities take up your day. Instead of unwinding by watching TV or scrolling on your phone, schedule a date night and keep your phones on DND—if you can.
- Use this time to be as distraction-free as possible. Doing so can help boost your wife's satisfaction and romantic connection and improve intimacy.^{[10]
  X
  Research source}
In many cases, women require their emotional needs to be met to see a positive change in their sexual desire. A simple way to meet her emotional needs is by offering her non-sexual affection, like hand-holding or cuddling, and spending quality time together.
3
Dedicate time to understand her love language. Your partner’s love language refers to how couples give each other love. It can be words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch. Often, small acts of love can help strengthen your bond and make her more attracted to you.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- If you know she has a stressful week and her love language is acts of service, try taking a chore off her plate or prepping her morning coffee.
- If her love language is receiving gifts, pick up some flowers and a bottle of wine on your way home to show your love and appreciation for her.
4
Ask to join her on outings and errands, or invite her to yours. If you feel your wife is leading a separate life, bridge the gap by asking her what she’s doing. It’ll show that you are interested in her life and may offer a way to invite yourself.
- However, if you’re uncomfortable self-inviting, you can show interest by inviting her to your social gatherings or errands.
It can be as simple as weekly or bi-weekly date nights, taking on a shared hobby, or making meals together. In doing so, you can create new shared experiences that strengthen your bond and create new opportunities for reconnection.
6
Build a fun fitness regime for both of you. Weight is a sensitive topic for anyone, but making healthy lifestyle changes for both of you can be fun. Consider it as taking up a new hobby rather than having to grind down at the gym for results. Incorporate a regular exercise program that can be fun for both of you.
- For example, if your wife loves dancing, you could try Zumba classes or at-home dance workouts together.
- You can also try cooking new healthy recipes to encourage a positive lifestyle while enjoying quality time together.
- The best part of embarking on a new health journey together is that, when times get tough, you can motivate and encourage each other to stay on track.
7
Ask how you can meet her sexual needs. If you're struggling with a dull sex life, start by being transparent about your intimate needs. For instance, if you tend to jump right into the heat of things, you may want to take a second to slow down and ask your wife what she needs. Women tend to need foreplay to get them in the mood, and that may be something you want to make extra time for.
- Be open about trying new things, like sending texts to build anticipation or trying new positions or toys. Addressing these matters will help improve your connection and intimate experience.
- Don’t be afraid to ask her about her fantasies, as this can help you learn what you can incorporate into your intimate lifestyle. This is also an opportunity to share yours—you never know what she might be interested in too!
8
Build healthy communication habits. When a woman loses attraction, it’s often a result of resentment, frustration, or a lack of trust. Ask her how she’s feeling, and listen tentatively to where her frustrations lie so you can come to a resolution together.
- Communicate better in a relationship by approaching sensitive topics using “I” and “me” statements to express how you feel. Maintain a calm demeanor and be sure to listen without interruption.
- Always keep in mind to treat her the way you’d like to be treated.
9
Become a better version of yourself. Setting goals and being ambitious is sexy. If you tend to be complacent, it may contribute to how your wife is feeling. When this happens, evaluate your circumstances. Ask yourself, “Did we get too comfortable…? Are we complacent? Are we impacted because of life transitions?"
- These questions can help you hone in on areas in your life where you could improve.
- For example, if body image is affecting your relationship and “letting yourself go” was a result of feeling comfortable in your relationship, try setting new fitness goals like running a 4k or completing a 5-mile hike!
If your marriage has gotten to this point, it may be time to get outside help. A marriage counselor can help analyze behavioral patterns and identify underlying issues while creating a safe space for you and your wife to repair the gap between you.