8 Easy Steps to Boost Sexual Desire in a Woman

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What to say and do to help get her in the mood

Co-authored by John Keegan and Mason Martinez, BA

Last Updated: May 10, 2024 Fact Checked

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How to Create Desire

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Why does sexual desire decline?

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Expert Interview

While it's natural for desire to fluctuate, whether you're in a long-term relationship or a new situationship, it can still be a frustrating experience. We interviewed relationship experts to help you figure out how to reignite passion in the woman in your life. From connecting on an emotional level to ramping up the foreplay, we're here to walk you through all the best ways to create desire in a woman.

Things You Should Know

To create desire in a woman, meet her emotional needs by prioritizing quality time and non-sexual affection, like kissing and cuddling.
Demonstrate confidence in yourself, and increase her confidence by giving compliments and praise.
Improve your physical connection by creating a safe space around fantasies and preferences through open communication.

Section 1 of 2:

How to Create Desire in a Woman

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Meet her emotional needs first. For many women, appearance isn’t enough to build physical intimacy.^{[1]
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Research source} To show her you’re considering her emotional needs, take notice of areas in her life where she’s struggling.
- Experienced Dating Coach and motivational speaker John Keegan, says, “[Go] out of your way….[bring] a little gift, a little chocolate…something that reminds you of them...Do a little more than they expect.”
- When she feels taken care of, she'll crave physical connection. Which may lead to a greater chance of intimacy.^{[2]
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Prioritize quality time. There’s nothing more important than giving someone your undivided attention. If making time is an issue for you, schedule your dates. Pick a day and block out a few hours to encourage one-on-one time.^{[3]
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- Dates don’t have to be grand gestures every week. It can be as simple as a romantic picnic in the park. Dating Coach John Keegan says, “The idea of a picnic day is to have a nice meal together and have a connection. Have conversation, relax, and…focus on those things.”
- Keegan goes on to say, “[It will] make her feel heard, listened to…understood, [and] feel really good around you.”
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Work on improving your communication skills. Build on your emotional connection by communicating clearly and respectfully. Take a moment to reflect on how you speak and respond to your partner. Then, see if you're practicing effective communication by listening actively, paying attention to non-verbal cues, and validating her emotions.^{[4]
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HelpGuide
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- “Some people break up because they can’t communicate with each other well,” John Keegan, expert Dating Coach continues, “There’ll be a point where you really are going to have to learn beyond the way that you communicate already[.] You’re [going to] have to learn a new way to communicate…so you can overcome tension and obstacles.”
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Show her affection. Relationships thrive when both partners prioritize non-sexual touch. Make time for hugging, hand-holding, or cuddling. If you only offer sexual touch, your partner may begin to feel objectified.
- The next time you're relaxing on the couch, hold her hand or play with her hair.
- Non-sexual touches can help de-escalate arguments and stress in a relationship.^{[5]
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Be confident in yourself. The way you feel about yourself reflects in how you’re able to give and receive love.^{[6]
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Research source} When you lack confidence, it can make her feel insecure and wonder if she’s doing something wrong.
- To be confident wear clothing that makes you feel your best and practice positive thinking.
- Display confidence especially when you’re on a date. Dating Coach Eddy Baller says, “[Confidence is] not a single factor, but doing everything all together[.] Taking initiative, making strong eye contact, keeping your body language confident…those things will go a long way.”
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Give her compliments and affirmations. Confidence is a two-way street, so help your partner build her own by reaffirming her with compliments. “It is important to verbally affirm…compliment…and to be receptive,” Celebrity Matchmaker and Dating Coach Alessandra Conti agrees.
- By telling her she’s beautiful, it will remind her that you’re attracted to her and that her body is deserving of love. ^{[7]
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Most women need foreplay, or some action before the action, to get in the mood for sex. Add excitement and increase her desire by kissing and touching her body. Give her a sensual massage or add some sexy talk to your repertoire. If you're not sure what she likes or what turns her on, just ask!^{[8]
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Be open to new experiences. If you find that intimacy in the bedroom has grown stale, address it directly. “It’s definitely a really hard subject to broach, but a really important one,” Psychotherapist Kelli Miller agrees, “It’s okay to voice what you like and what you want.”
- If you don’t know how to approach the topic, try Miller’s suggestion and say something like, “Oh, hey, I was thinking about it…I’m really excited for the two of us to embark on…doing something different.” Bring up what your fantasies are, and follow up by asking what hers are.
- If your partner isn’t onboard with a suggestion, that’s okay. “[You’re both] people, it’s a consensual thing,” Miller explains. “You can always…fantasize about it [or find ways] where you can still kind of get the excitement from it all, [without] necessarily doing it.”
- In healthy relationships, there’s room to compromise. Work together to find something that makes you feel good and excited.
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Ask her what she likes. A common issue in relationships is orgasm inequality—the gap of sexual satisfaction.^{[9]
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Research source} If what you’re doing now isn’t her thing, don’t let that be a kick to your ego. Instead, think of it as a learning opportunity. Don’t be afraid to ask for pointers.
- “Practice makes perfect,” Dating Coach Eddy Baller says. “You want to match your partner, so whatever her movements are, it’s going to be like the yin and yang…They fit together nicely.”
- Women sometimes fake orgasms if their partner doesn’t know what they like or need. If you think this might be happening, a direct and honest conversation is the best way to solve the issue—but keep in mind that your GF isn’t trying to trick you.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1315 wikiHow readers and 49% of them believe that the main reason women fake orgasms is to make their partner feel good about their performance. [Take Poll]

Section 2 of 2:

Why does sexual desire decline?

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Women tend to experience a decline in sexual desire as they age. While there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, nearly 40 percent of women in the United States struggle with sexual dysfunction. The most common complaint among them is decreased desire.^{[10]
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American Academy of Family Physicians
Organization devoted to improving the health of patients, families, and communities

Go to source} However, external factors like illness, life changes, and medications can be contributing factors.
- As a partner, if you start to feel a lack of sexual desire is an issue in your relationship, start by opening up a dialogue.
- Express how you feel in a calm manner. Be receptive and understanding, just like you would want her to be.