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Handle tough talks with this easy guide
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No relationship is perfect—that’s just a fact of life. Addressing relationship issues with your partner is the best way to tackle them together and figure out a solution quickly. That’s why we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of tips you can use to talk with your partner and have a kind, respectful discussion about the relationship.

How to Address Problems in a Relationship

  1. Talk privately and start with something positive.
  2. Keep your tone neutral and avoid blaming.
  3. Use “I” statements to express yourself.
  4. Ask open-ended questions.
  5. Listen to your partner, even if you disagree.
  6. Aim to come up with a compromise whenever possible.
  7. Monitor the problem going forward.
  8. Reach out to a counselor if you need help.
1

Focus on one issue at a time.

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  1. Try to make it really specific, too—the clearer the issue is, the better you and your partner will be able to address it. If you have more than one thing you want to talk about, save the others for a later date. It’s much easier to talk about one thing at a time so you and your partner don’t get overwhelmed.[1]
    • For instance, if you feel like you and your partner aren’t spending enough time together, you might talk about how you can rearrange your schedules to see each other more often.
    • If you feel like your partner isn’t treating you well, you could talk about how you want to go on dates more often.
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2

Start the conversation with a positive.

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3

Keep your tone of voice neutral.

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  1. During a deep relationship talk, you might feel a little bit hurt or upset. Do your best to keep your tone of voice calm and collected, and avoid raising your voice at your partner. If you can stay neutral the whole time, you’ll have a much more productive conversation.[3]
    • Try to take stock of your body language, too. Crossing your arms or turning away from your partner can indicate that you’re mad or upset, but facing your partner and keeping your arms by your side is more neutral.
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4

Use “I” statements.

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  1. You can phrase things by using “I” statements (instead of “you” statements) to make your partner feel less defensive.[4] Try bringing up the issue at hand using an “I” statement, like:[5]
    • “Since we haven’t defined our relationship, I am a little confused.”
    • “We have different goals in life, and I’m worried about that.”
    • “We haven’t discussed our finances yet, and I would feel better if we did.”
5

Emphasize how you feel.

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  1. It’s easy to brush someone off if you bring something up without talking about how it makes them feel. Really highlight the fact that the problem is making you feel upset, hurt, or angry, so that your partner feels more motivated to work on it with you.[6]
    • You might say something like, “When you don’t introduce me as your girlfriend to people, it makes me feel really sad and hurt.”
    • Or, “I’m not sure where this relationship is going, and that makes me feel frustrated.”
    • Your partner will be more receptive if they're not feeling defensive.[7]
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7

Listen to your partner’s perspective.

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  1. After you’ve talked, give your partner a chance to speak their mind, and put away any distractions. Make eye contact and nod along to show that you’re listening, and ask follow-up questions if you’re having trouble understanding what they mean.[9]
    • You might ask questions like, “Could you tell me more?” or, “Can you explain that to me one more time?”
    • You can also rephrase what your partner says in your own words to double check that you understand them.
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8

Tackle any issues as a team.

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  1. the problem, not you vs. your partner. Once you’ve figured out what the issue is and where you’re both coming from, you can work together to find a solution. You might have to try out a few things before you find something that works, but if you tackle things as a team, it will be much easier.[10]
    • If you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, ask your partner questions like, “Do you have any ideas on what we could do now?” or, “How do you think we can avoid this problem in the future?”
9

Come up with a compromise together.

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  1. Find a solution that you can both live with so you come away from the conversation feeling good. Relationships are all about compromise, and you’ll probably have to do it a lot throughout your time together.[11]
    • For instance, if you want more time with your boyfriend but he needs his alone time, you could plan to meet up every other day instead of every day.
    • If you want to start saving money together but he doesn’t want to worry about budgeting right now, set a goal to both save a small amount of money every month instead of a big chunk.
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10

Evaluate your solution later.

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  1. Your solutions might not be perfect all the time, and if that’s the case, it’s okay to come back to the drawing board again. If you’ve tried out your compromise and it’s just not working for you (or your partner), have another talk to see what you might change to make things better.[12]
    • Maybe you made a plan to make more time for sex, but with work stress and responsibilities, it just isn’t happening. You may need to schedule specific days and times to have sex so it doesn’t fall by the wayside.
    • Or, maybe you made a plan to save money for the future, but your savings aren’t growing fast enough. You can talk about a new savings goal to speed up the process.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I help my upset partner?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Use I-statements to get to the root of the problem. A statement like "I'm sensing that you're feeling a little upset—is everything okay?" will go over a lot better than "You look irritated when you do that."
  • Question
    How do you deal with a lying partner?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Approach their dishonesty in an empathetic way. Instead of accusing them, say something like "What can I do to make you feel more comfortable so that you can be more honest with me in this relationship?"
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About This Article

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Co-authored by:
Psychotherapist
This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. This article has been viewed 70,572 times.
1 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 7
Updated: November 19, 2024
Views: 70,572
Categories: Relationships

Medical Disclaimer

The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.

Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 70,572 times.

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