How to Know Your Sexuality

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: September 11, 2024

Sexual orientation, more commonly known as sexuality, is how someone is attracted to certain genders (if any), romantically, sexually, or emotionally. However, as a teenager or young adult, sexual orientation can be hard to understand. Are you confused about your sexuality, or what gender(s) you prefer, if any? Here's an article to help you sort out your feelings.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Understanding Yourself

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The first step to knowing your orientation is to accept and acknowledge the fact you're questioning. Don't judge your feelings, and know that many people question their sexual orientation.
Understanding your orientation takes time and often isn't a simple thing to discover. Take your time and try not to rush yourself to figure out your sexual orientation in order to start dating.

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You might identify one way and be certain about your orientation, but then you identify another way. For many people, their orientation changes over time before they figure out who they are really attracted to. This is okay!

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Understanding Who You Are Attracted To

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Learn about different orientations. There are many orientations, such as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and more. Read through descriptions of each sexuality and find the one you relate with the most. Keep in mind that sexuality is on a spectrum, and it can change. Additionally, you don't have to label yourself as anything.
2
Ask yourself a few questions. This is essential to figuring out your orientation. Ask yourself who you are attracted to, and in what way(s)--this could be sexually, romantically, both, neither, or something else, and being attracted to guys, girls, nonbinary folks, more than one gender, or all genders. Take out a sheet of paper and write down your answers. Ask yourself:
- Which genders could I see myself dating, if any?
- Am I attracted to one specific gender, or multiple genders?
- Am I attracted to people romantically, sexually, or in another way?
- Do I care about my partner's gender; do I have a preference?
Crushes you've had in the past might indicate who you're attracted to. This step usually applies to young adults who might've had grade school crushes, or even crushes in college or high school. Think about crushes you have or had--what was the person's gender identity? What type of attraction did you have towards them? Take the answers to these questions into consideration when figuring out your orientation.
Many people think you can only be one of the three: straight, bisexual, or gay. This couldn't be further from the truth. Orientation is not a switch. It's a spectrum slider of different identities and different types of attraction someone can have--in other words, know that orientation isn't black and white.
5
Look more into an orientation you might identify with. Research an orientation to determine if it is truly your orientation. Orientation is much more complicated than a simple label.
- If you identify as asexual, for example, you might have sex to please your partner, or not want to have sex at all. Visit websites dedicated to it, and read about the experiences of people of that sexuality. This will help you get a feel for whether you relate to it or not. Orientation is determined on what feels right to you.
If you're still confused, talk to someone who identifies as queer or otherwise not straight. They might be able to help you sort out how you feel and what your orientation might be. Talk to people of different gender identities and orientations and ask when or how they realized they were LGBTQ.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Exploring With Others

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When exploring who you're attracted to with others, you might automatically label yourself based on one or two experiences (i.e, "OK, I really liked this girl I went on a date with. Maybe i'm lesbian."). Don't do this--it will you and you'll feel confused when you give yourself a label and then find out that label doesn't fit with you.
Let the person you're going on a date with that you're exploring your orientation. Nobody wants to be considered a "guinea pig" in your sexuality quest. If they are looking for a long term relationship while you're exploring your orientation, they will most likely be hurt when you tell them you aren't interested in a relationship.
3
Try going on dates with different people. If someone else is exploring their orientation, or you have a friend who wants to explore their orientation as well, ask if they'd be open to going on a date or two and spending some time with you, vise versa. This is a good option for adults or older teens who want to figure themselves out without perusing a serious relationship.
- There are dating sites for people exploring their orientation, such as OkCupid or Grindr.

Join the Discussion...

Who/what was your gay awakening?

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WikiPandaDancer490

What was the moment things clicked for you and you realized you were 💅? Who was it that made you feel feelings? I'm so curious to hear people'... Read More

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WikiLlamaGlider700

My friends and I randomly watched Van Wilder back in high school (any national lampoon fans here?), which led to Ryan Reynolds being my first gay... Read More

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Jessica Swenson
Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist

The thing about sexual orientation and preferences is that they are subjective to the person that's experiencing them. There's not a clinical tes... Read More

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Is it okay to be unsure about your sexuality?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Absolutely—it's definitely okay to be confused about your sexuality. In general, sexuality is very fluid and not always black and white. It's okay to not have a direct answer for what your sexuality is, and it's also okay to explore! See if you're ready to take that next step and see how you feel within that situation. If the experience doesn't feel right to you, you'll at least have a little more clarity.

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I'm not attracted to anyone or anything. Why?

Caramel

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You might be aromantic and asexual. That's okay. You could make the most of it with platonic relationships.

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I don't feel like I "love" anyone. I know I'm not straight, but I don't know anything else.

Thatonequeerkid42

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If you don't feel attraction, you could be aromantic, asexual, or both! It's also okay to not be sure what you are. If you still don't know, you could just use the label "queer" or go unlabeled.

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Remember, there is a difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Although they usually overlap, sometimes a person might want a relationship with one group and want sex with another. A homoromantic pansexual person, for example, would want a relationship with someone of the same gender but would be open to having sex with all people.

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Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about discovering your sexuality, check out our in-depth interview with Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW.