How to Maintain a Good Relationship with Your In Laws

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Last Updated: August 7, 2024

Married life does wonders. Marrying the person we admire and love the most is surely a dream come true - but most of us find it hard to mix and mingle with the in-laws. Ignoring in laws might appear convenient, but is actually not the right way to handle relations with your new family. Understanding is a far better and sustainable alternative than ignoring.

Steps

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Accept the fact that they are your beloved partner's family. It means that your partner grew up in the family and loves the family more than anything. Keep that in mind and they become much easier to bear and everything will flow freely.^{[1]
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- Consider them as family and not opponents: Many people end up spoiling their relationships with in-laws because they frame them as opponents, who always impose demands on them. The biggest culprit behind this kind of assumption is the information that we are getting access to. Try to see any given conflict from their perspective, too; treat them like family and give them the benefit of the doubt, as you enter into a disagreement. If you view things from their angle, you may understand where they're coming from.
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Suppress your ego: Most relations spoil due to this ever damaging ego factor. Stay humble and try to avoid any sort of conflict. The rule is simple and you just need to fill in empty spaces with love and abstain ego from getting in at any point of time.
- Avoid comparing your family to your in-laws. Each family dynamic is different, and your expectations of each other will always be different from those in your family of origin. Accept this, rather than fighting it, and your relationship will benefit.
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Make an effort to get to know them. After formal introductions, put some effort to know them. Make a special effort with the older people at home, then the siblings of your partner, their partners and their kids, if there are any. We tend to dislike or ignore people only when we don't really know who they are.
- Ask your partner to help you draw out a family tree and memorize it if you find it hard to remember all the names and various relationships in the family.
- Smile. A smile is a starter to many great things, including good relationships. Whenever you bump into your in-laws remember to give them a genuine smile.^{[2]
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- Start a conversation.^{[3]
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  Research source} Take steps to start the conversation since you are the newcomer. They might expect you to make the move first. Be ready to accept any kind of replies or response. Don't be surprised if you get snappy replies. Remember you are there for the best person of your life.
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Approach kids. Kids are always easy to be tackled compared to the adults. Try to play with or tell stories to the kids. Buy them chocolates or candies and let the elders realize that you are a friendly and jovial person.
- Respect the beliefs and practises of the families. If they don't allow sweets, avoid them like the plague. If they are deeply religious, praise their beliefs and join in as much as you possibly can, particularly in front of the children.
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Respect the elders. Show respect when you talk, eat or even when you are just sitting idle in front of them. Playing with smartphones should be banned completely. Show attention to the conversation or the food you are eating. Attentiveness would reflect your well being to them.
- Don't feel afraid of asking about the family history. Show an interest in your partner's heritage and background. If they romanticize the past, grin and bear it.
Volunteer to help in the kitchen or with the laundry, or find opportunities to buy stuff or to fix a broken item at home. This would bring a special kind of affection towards the family besides showing your hidden talents.
Be yourself. Just be yourself and you don't have to act to get a place their hearts. Show that you are sincere in every single thing you do and you really mean what you say in every conversation. Originality always attracts. No harm to share with them your drawbacks or weaknesses. Show your talents and abilities rather than tell.^{[4]
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Never compare. People are different. Your parents and the in-laws will never be the same. When you compare them, things will get worse. So accept them as they are and show love and affection to them.^{[5]
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- Never brag about your maiden family. You may tell things about your parents or birth family but never ever brag or talk big about what you had in your home. This might irritate your in-laws or cause negative remarks.
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Stay in touch. If you are not staying under the same roof with your in-laws, find time to text or call them once in a while. They would be definitely touched and it would help a lot in the bonding of your new relationship. Make them feel that you acknowledge them.^{[6]
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- Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Use an organizer to keep track of them.
- If you have children, keep them updated on the newest milestones reached and make every effort to meet up as often as you can if they're interested.
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Support your spouse. This is their family, and always will be. If you put them in the middle of fights a lot, you'll only breed more tension. Just try not to sweat the small stuff, and support your spouse's position in relation to his next of kin.^{[7]
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- Praise your partner. Whilst families are well aware of your spouse's faults and failings, they don't want you to remind them. Speak highly of your partner and mention their great qualities. Demonstrate the admiration, respect, love and fondness you have for your partner. S/he is a darling son, daughter, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, grandson or granddaughter too.
- If you and your partner end up having conflict over your in-laws, try to empathetically communicate with your partner. If you really can’t see eye-to-eye, bring in a therapist or mediator, but try to talk to your partner directly first.
- Reader Poll: We asked 383 wikiHow readers about how they handle conflicts with their partner and only 7% of them said that they seek the help of a therapist or mediator. [Take Poll]

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Do you have any advice on how to react to difficult in-laws and manage relationships with them?

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Family Coach
Michelle Shahbazyan is a Life Coach, Author, and Speaker based in Los Angeles, California. She is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service. She has over 15 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. Michelle has helped thousands of clients achieve peace, fulfillment, and a healthier mindset. Her ultimate goal is to provide her clients with the tools, perspectives, and resources needed to create the life they desire. Michelle specializes in supporting individuals and couples with a wide array of concerns, including depression, anxiety, love and relationship issues, ADHD, grief, stress, anger management, and career planning. Her approach is informed by neuroscience, anthropology, sociology, and behavioral biology, ensuring that the strategies she develops with clients are both effective and enduring. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Family Coach

Expert Answer

If your relationship with your in-laws is important to you, work on it as you would for a relationship with a good friend. If there is anything about them that you love and admire, use that as an opening to grow within yourself to more understanding and caring towards the other parts of them.

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Tips

Behave well in front of them and don't get all lovey dovey.

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Love is the best tool to win someone's heart. So show love and you will be fine.

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Talk to your partner on what else you could do to get along with them. He knows them better of course.

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