How to Make a Narcissist Miserable

Guard your energy when interacting with a toxic person

Co-authored by Adam Dorsay, PsyD and Dev Murphy, MA

Last Updated: October 25, 2023 Fact Checked

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may have a tendency to act arrogant or entitled, but this doesn’t necessarily make them toxic or abusive, and only a doctor can diagnose NPD.^{[1]
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Research source} However, dealing with someone who displays toxic or abusive tendencies can be really challenging, whether they’ve got clinical NPD or not. The best thing you can do is focus on protecting your energy and improving your own well-being, without being cruel or mean-spirited. We've got expert-backed advice to help you make interactions with them as painless as possible or even cut them out of your life for good.

1

Ignore them.

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Depriving them of your attention shows them they don’t have power over you. If they think they deserve to be treated better than everyone else, simply refusing to give them attention now and again can put them in their place.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} This can be very effective in the long term, as they may learn to leave you alone. Ignore their texts and phone calls—or at least, don’t feel compelled to answer immediately.^{[3]
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- If this person is toxic or abusive toward you, consider cutting them out of your life, if you can. Go completely no contact by blocking their number and their social media account.
Did You Know? These types of people tend to play the victim in order to get attention.

2

Act indifferent toward them.

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If this person craves praise, denying them attention is sure to rankle them. One surefire way to show a toxic person they don’t have power over you is by acting indifferent toward them.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Just treat them like everyone else. Don’t praise them excessively, don’t react to their comments, and stick to neutral statements when you’re talking to them.^{[5]
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Research source}
- If they tell you about one of their accomplishments, say something like, “Oh, cool,” or, “Nice.”
- You could also compare them to someone else. If they tell you about something they did at work, try saying, “Oh yeah, Greg told me about something like that. He did the exact same thing at his job.”

3

Tell them how happy you are.

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Some toxic people feel worse when they see others thrive. If this person has an unrealistic view of their own importance, they may feel threatened by other people’s success. This can lead them to downplay your successes in order to inflate their own ego, which can leave you feeling pretty miserable. Turn the tables the next time this happens: remind them (and yourself) what a great, accomplished person you are.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.} Over time, they may learn that success isn’t a zero-sum game.
- “Did I tell you about my big promotion? It came with a raise, too!”
- “My team totally killed it at our kickball tournament last weekend. State championships, here we come!”
- “I’m so happy with my grades this term. I got a 4.0!”

4

Speak in facts, not emotions.

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Cold, hard facts are hard for a manipulative person to argue with. Sometimes, manipulative people may exaggerate the truth or gaslight you into doubting your reality, either to make themselves look good or to get some power over you. If this person has a habit of doing this, keep a record of what they say so that you can prove you’re right later if they try to lie. They’ll have a much harder time disputing what you’re saying.^{[7]
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- “Can we talk about what you said to me earlier? Let me show you the texts you sent me so you remember exactly what you said.”
- “You told them you’d go over to their house today, remember? Here, I saved the email you sent them last week.”

5

Set boundaries and stick to them.

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When you stick to your boundaries, it’s harder to be manipulated. The person may try to take advantage of you and your kindness. Set hard boundaries, and follow through with real consequences if they cross them.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source

HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

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- “If you keep yelling at me, I’m going to walk away.”
- “You’re being disrespectful to me right now. We can continue this conversation once you’ve calmed down.”
- “If you keep calling me names in public, I’m not going to run errands with you anymore.”

6

Tell them no.

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Some people just want things their way and don’t like hearing “no.” If this person has an inflated ego, telling them no will shatter the illusion that they’re in charge of the world. The next time they tell you to do something, try saying “no.” Avoid getting aggressive or mean—stay calm, but be firm.^{[9]
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- Some people act controlling or demanding out of a sense of entitlement.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Adam Dorsay, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
  
  Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.} When you stand up for yourself, you directly challenge that perception. Over time, they may become less demanding.
- If this person is abusive, use caution with this tactic. Directly challenging someone who is abusive can be dangerous, and your safety is a top priority.

7

Confront them about their mistakes.

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They may struggle to take criticism, but sometimes it’s necessary. If this person gets irritated or upset when you address a mistake they’ve made, you might understandably shy away from pointing out negative behavior, even when it hurts you. Practice confronting them anyway. Be firm, but be gentle, and avoid insulting them or raising your voice.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source

Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

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- Let them know how their behavior made you feel, and use “I” statements to avoid coming off overly judgmental or accusatory: “I felt really terrible when you didn’t pick me up from work like you said you would.”

8

Call out their manipulation.

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Hold them accountable for any manipulative behavior. When you notice that they’re trying to manipulate you, don’t fall for it. Instead, point out their behavior and assure them it won’t work on you.^{[12]
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Research source}
- “It seems like you’re trying to manipulate me, but it’s not going to work.”
- “If you think I’m going to fall for that, I won’t.”

9

Focus on yourself.

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They may expect you to put their needs ahead of yours. To diminish the damaging effect they could have on you, be sure to treat yourself with respect and love yourself. Put your needs first and make them known—don’t ignore your own needs just to cater to theirs.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source

HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

Go to source}
- “Sorry, I can’t help you out today. I’ve got an appointment that I can’t cancel.”
- “I wish I could, but I’m taking the day off today to relax. I’ll talk to you later!”

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Tips

Further, not everyone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is toxic or abusive. Some people with NPD learn to manage their behavior through therapy or medication.

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Remember that everyone has narcissistic tendencies occasionally, and only a licensed therapist can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

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Warnings

If the person you’re dealing with has shown abusive tendencies, avoid interacting with them as much as you can. Keep your safety in mind, and call the authorities if you feel threatened.

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