How to Not Let Your Life Revolve Around Your Boyfriend

Co-authored by Cherlyn Chong and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: July 12, 2024 Fact Checked

When you really love someone, it's normal to feel like they are your whole world, but letting your life revolve around someone else can have its downsides. You might start to lose touch with other important people in your life and let your own goals and hobbies fall by the wayside. Fortunately, it's possible to cultivate a life outside of your relationship without sacrificing closeness with your partner. Keep reading to learn how to be independent and stay true to yourself while still maintaining a healthy, supportive relationship with your boyfriend.

1

Focus on your own interests.

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Do the things you loved doing before you started dating. Whether it be basketball, playing guitar, or running, dedicate some time each week to your hobbies and passions. This can help you remember who you are separate from your relationship. As you practice and get better, your confidence will likely increase as well.^{[1]
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- If you enjoy biking, try some bike trails in your area or join a cycling club.
- Perhaps you like to play the drums. Practice each week and consider starting a band!
- It's okay to share interests with your boyfriend, but remember to focus on the ones you don't have in common, too. It's healthy for you and your boyfriend to have separate interests.

2

Invest in your goals.

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It's important not to lose your ambition when you start dating someone. Before you started dating your boyfriend, you likely had certain career goals or projects you wanted to start. Make sure you're still working towards those dreams, and try your best not to let your relationship distract you from reaching them. You'll feel better about yourself if you go for what you want in life, and it'll help you remain independent despite being in a committed relationship.^{[2]
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- Keep working towards that promotion at work. If you're not super satisfied with your career, consider taking classes or switching career paths. It's never too late to follow your dreams.
- Try your best not to make yourself small or pass up on opportunities for your boyfriend's sake. If he's a healthy, supportive partner, he will be happy for you.

3

Spend time with your friends and family.

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It's impossible to get everything you need from just one person. To avoid relying too heavily on your boyfriend, spend plenty of time with your friends and family. Be a supportive friend and family member by making plans with them often and being there for them. Your life will feel more full, and it'll help you feel more secure with your boyfriend (he won't be your whole life, just part of your life).^{[3]
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- Grab lunch with your friends, visit your family if they live in the area, and call up friends and family that live out of town.
- Avoid rescheduling or canceling your plans to accommodate your boyfriend. If he asks you to hang out while you're out with a friend, tell him that you're busy and give him an alternate time.
EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
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John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
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A healthy social balance is essential to any relationship. While quality time with your boyfriend is important, it's just as important to spend quality time with your friends, too. You and your boyfriend should be able to find a happy medium that works for both of you.

4

Get comfortable being alone.

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You don't need another person to feel whole. Try going on a solo adventure at least once a week. This can help you learn new things about yourself and feel more at peace on your own. That way, you can avoid feeling overly attached to your boyfriend or afraid to leave his side.
- Try going to a movie at a local theater by yourself. Order some popcorn and a soda and make an evening out of it.
- Spend the day reading at a local park or coffee shop.

5

Be open about your needs and boundaries.

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Being honest helps you retain your independence. If you stifle how you're feeling, you run the risk of compromising your values and losing yourself in the relationship. Next time you have a concern, tell your boyfriend respectfully and directly. Conversations like this help you and your boyfriend remember your identities within your relationship.^{[4]
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- "I totally understand that you like keeping our apartment a certain way, but I'd love to add my decorations to the space, too."
- "I love hanging out with you every day, but I think I need to spend the day to myself."

6

Give your boyfriend some space.

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Your boyfriend needs time to be alone and see his friends and family. It might be tough to be away from him at first, but it's necessary for a healthy relationship. Encourage him to get some alone time or hang out with his friends and family. When he's out, try your best not to check up on him. He'll appreciate that you respect his space and will enjoy catching up with you when you meet up again.^{[5]
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- When your boyfriend is out, make your own plans instead of waiting by the phone. It'll be easier to be away from him if you've got something to do as well.
- Keep your texting to a minimum when he's out with his friends and family. Sending him more than 1-2 texts might make him feel like you don't trust him or respect his space.

7

Keep feelings of jealousy at bay.

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Try your best not to see other people in your boyfriend's life as a threat. If your boyfriend is your whole world, it might be stressful or nerve-racking to see him spend time with other people. Anytime those thoughts start to creep up, remind yourself that it's a positive thing that other people love and support your boyfriend.^{[6]
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- Next time you're feeling jealous, write down your thoughts in a journal or call up a friend. This can help you process your feelings and gain some perspective. You might find that you actually have no reason to feel this way!
- If your boyfriend is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, address the situation honestly and respectfully. Sometimes, jealousy means that your boyfriend crossed a boundary, and it's necessary to speak up.
- You might say, "I understand that you and Sandra are good friends, but it makes me a little uncomfortable that you've been texting so much at night."

8

Take a break from your phone.

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Texting your boyfriend nonstop might be messing with your head. If you love your boyfriend, it makes sense that you'd want to talk to him all of the time. This can make it hard to focus on your other passions, responsibilities, and relationships, though. Find some balance by putting your phone away for a few hours each day. That way, you can give yourself fully to other aspects of your life. You'll also have more to talk about next time you catch up with him.^{[7]
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- Resist the urge to respond to your boyfriend immediately 100% of the time. It's okay to wait a few hours to respond if you're busy.
- If it's taking your boyfriend longer to respond than usual, don't fret. He may just be busy! Put your phone away and do something else for a healthy distraction.

9

Practice self-care.

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Building a life separate from your relationship takes work. Relationships can be a little overwhelming, and even the most independent people struggle with feeling dependent on their partner sometimes. Practice self-compassion and make sure you're taking good care of yourself. Don't be afraid to treat yourself every now and then, too. Being kind to yourself can help you learn how to be your own best friend.^{[8]
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- Get plenty of rest each night, eat a healthy and well-balanced diet, and exercise regularly.
- If you catch yourself feeling a little clingy, try not to beat yourself up over it. Acknowledge how you feel, forgive yourself, and make positive changes going forward.

10

Build up your self-confidence.

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Try to love who you are outside of your relationship. Developing your confidence is a lifelong journey that can help you become more self-assured and comfortable on your own. By having faith in your unique capabilities and talents, you'll feel more secure with who you are (within your relationship and outside of it) and less likely to compare yourself to other people.^{[9]
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National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK

Go to source} Here are some ways you can develop your confidence:
- Write down a list of qualities that you like about yourself and read over that list anytime you're feeling down
- Replace negative thoughts about yourself with something positive. If you catch yourself thinking something like "I never do anything right," replace that thought with, "I'm trying my best."
- Repeat a mantra like "I'm beautiful, smart, and fun to be around" or "I love myself."
- Maintain confident body language by keeping your shoulders back and your head held high.
- Remember that confidence is a journey. When you slip up, forgive yourself and keep trying.

11

Talk to a therapist or counselor.

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There's no shame in seeking outside help. If you feel like you're too dependent on your boyfriend, it might be the result of a relationship dynamic you learned in childhood. Trauma in your past can also cause you to struggle with this. A therapist can help you get to the root of why you may be feeling this way and give you some coping strategies to move forward. If you'd like to work with a counselor or a therapist, get a referral from your doctor or search for one online.^{[10]
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- If you grew up with a distant parent, for example, you may struggle to feel secure in your relationships as an adult.
- Having a history of traumatic or abusive relationships might make you feel more vulnerable in romantic relationships as well.

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Question

I sometimes feel like l cannot let go of my boyfriend. What can I do?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Try to see what need he fulfills for you that you are not fulfilling for yourself. It's usually a sign of personal insecurity or lack of personal friendships outside the relationship.

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Question

I feel that my boyfriend is avoiding me all the time and he has better options than me. It's driving me crazy. How can I prevent this?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Have an open discussion with him about how you are perceiving the situation and specifically what is bothering you in the relationship. Try to come to a compromise that is ideal for the both of you.

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