How to Ignore a Narcissist & How They’ll Respond

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Expert-backed tips for moving on from a toxic person

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Sophie Burkholder, BA

Last Updated: September 6, 2024 Fact Checked

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• What happens when you ignore a narcissist?
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• How to Ignore a Narcissist
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• Can someone who’s hurt you change?
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Someone with narcissistic traits may seem charming and polite at first, but if their behavior starts negatively affecting your well-being, it may be time to take the power into your own hands and cut them off. We'll explain how a person with narcissistic qualities might respond when you ignore them, plus how to stay the course and get them out of your life for good, if that's what you want. Just remember that a person who displays narcissistic traits doesn't necessarily have Narcissistic Peronsality Disorder (NPD), which is a legitimate mental health condition that only a professional can diagnose, and not all people with NPD are toxic or abusive.

Things You Should Know

• Someone with narcissistic tendencies may feel anxious, scared, or upset when you start ignoring them since they’re not in control anymore.
• They may try to gaslight you or shift the blame so they’re not accountable. Just keep ignoring them and trusting your feelings so you don’t give back control.
• Cut off a manipulative or toxic individual by stopping all communication if you’re able to. If you can’t fully avoid this person, then give the bare minimum response.

Steps

Section 1 of 3:

What happens when you ignore a narcissist?

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1. 1
   They may ignore you back. When you stop responding to someone who behaves in a toxic way, they may give you the silent treatment right back. A person with narcissistic traits may “stonewall” you and stay quiet because they want to feel like they’re in control of the situation. They’ll hope that you feel more uncomfortable than they do and break the silence to reach out first.

   • Rather than giving in and communicating, look for some self-soothing activities to do on your own instead. Get some exercise, meditate on your feelings, or journal about how their silence makes you feel.
2. 2
   They could gaslight you. After you go quiet, this person may try to convince you that a situation or event happened differently than you remember. They could tell you that there was never an issue between you or that you misunderstood what their intentions were. They may believe what they’re saying, even if it wasn’t true, just to see if you’ll change your mind and reach out again.

   • Some common gaslighting phrases could be, “That’s not what happened,” “You’re overreacting,” or “What? It was only a joke!”
   • Respond to gaslighting by refusing to engage or argue about what really happened. You know the truth of the situation, so you don’t have to defend yourself from someone who’s trying to manipulate you.
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3. 3
   They may act nice to try winning you back. You may have good memories where this person made you feel special as you got to know each other. Once they let their true colors show and you start ignoring them, a manipulative individual may try “hoovering” to pull you right back in. They may make a fake apology, give you compliments, or try to smooth-talk their way out of your decision so they don’t lose you. Even if they’re acting nice, they still may never apologize or recognize the wrongs they’ve done.

   • Someone who’s self-centered or toxic is afraid of losing control over people, so they may love-bomb you with kind words or gifts to feel like they can pull you back in. While it may be tempting to fall for their tricks, it’s just another way that they’re manipulating you back into an unhealthy relationship.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 207 wikiHow readers for their most effective way to protect themselves from love bombing, and 57% of them said, recognizing and setting healthy boundaries. [Take Poll]
4. 4
   They could feel anxious or scared. Most people with narcissistic traits want to feel like they’re at the top and the most important part of your life, so they start feeling uncomfortable once you stop responding. They may text you asking what’s wrong and worry about why you’re not replying to them. In reality, they’re worried that their true selves are being exposed and that other people will catch on to their act as well.

   • You don’t need to respond even if they say they’re scared or anxious about their relationship with you. It’s better to just keep ignoring them so you don’t give up any control.
5. 5
   They may get angry with you. Someone with narcissistic qualities wants to feel better about themselves, so they keep people around who can help boost their egos. When you suddenly stop giving them what they want, there’s a chance they’ll get really upset and call you selfish for not meeting their needs. They may send angry messages or call you when they’re upset to try getting what they want.

   • Continue ignoring an angry person since it’s not worth arguing or getting involved. Even if you try to explain yourself and are in the right, they may twist your words and try making you feel bad for their outburst.
6. 6
   They might shift the blame to you. Someone who’s demonstrated narcissistic behaviors may avoid taking accountability for their actions, so they’ll say that you’re the one that caused an issue in your relationship. If you’re ignoring someone that ignored you, they may not even recognize that they’re doing the same thing and feel like they’re being criticized unfairly.

   • It’s better not to respond if this person tries to blame you. You know in your heart that it was their behavior that caused the rift, not yours.
7. 7
   They may talk badly about you. If you’re the one that started ignoring them first, they may feel like they’ve been rejected and get upset. There’s a chance that they’ll try to spread lies about you to feel better about themselves rather than sitting with the shame or insecurity they have.

   • If you hear a lie that this person spread, compare what they say to the actual truth of what happened. Trust yourself and avoid questioning how you perceived and interpreted the situations.
   

   Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

   Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is the most shame-based of all the personality disorders. Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."
8. 8
   They could try to keep tabs on you. After you cut off communication with them, someone with narcissistic traits may continue checking your social media pages to see how you’re doing. They may also try to see you while you’re at work or ask friends and family how you’re doing to feel like they’re still a part of your life even if you’re not talking to them directly.

   • Block the person from your social media pages or hide your posts from them so they’re not able to interact with you.
9. 9
   They might try turning friends and family against you. If a person feels like you’ve wronged them or aren’t giving them control, they could tell lies to your friends and family members about what happened. They may say that you’re cutting them off and try to get others to sympathize with them rather than taking responsibility for their actions.

   • Chat with your friends about the person’s behavior. Even if they seem charming to your friends and family, your loved ones will trust your experiences more.
10. 10
    They may move on to someone else. If someone sees that you’re not going to respond no matter what they do, they’ll recognize that they don’t have control over you anymore. If they can’t do anything to make you come back to them, they’ll likely start looking for someone else that they can easily influence.

    • If someone who’s abused you in the past is talking or starting a relationship with someone you know, give them a warning about your experiences with the person. That way, your friend will know what to look out for and stand up for themselves if they experience the same behavior.
11. 11
    They could try to sabotage you. Some people with narcissistic tendencies may get vengeful when things don’t go their way, so they’ll try to do things that block meaningful opportunities in your life. They may try to prevent you from moving up in your career, destroy personal belongings that are important to you, or may even act out violently.

    • If someone starts harassing you or turns violent, contact the authorities and let them know about the issue. Don’t try to get involved on your own so you don’t risk getting hurt.
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Section 2 of 3:

How to Ignore a Narcissist

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1. 1
   Cut off or limit your contact with them. If you can, go no-contact and stop responding to show that they don’t have any control over your life. Avoid responding to their texts, calls, and DMs, and give them the silent treatment. If you can’t avoid them, like if they’re your coworker, co-parent, or classmate, try to keep your conversations brief and to the point.

   • Use the Gray Rock method to communicate with someone who has manipulated you. Rather than wearing your emotions on your sleeve, try to show as little emotion as possible when you have to communicate with them. If they can’t get a rise out of you, they’ll get more flustered.
2. 2
   Set and maintain clear boundaries. When you set your boundaries, decide on what behavior you’ll tolerate and what you will no longer stand for in a relationship. If the person who’s hurt you tries to communicate with you, state your boundary clearly without any hesitation or defensiveness. Use a clear and firm voice and avoid trying to negotiate since they may try to break you down.

   • Example: If you’re setting a boundary with a coworker, you may decide to only respond to questions about work duties but not open up about your personal life. You may say, “I’ve said that I don’t want to talk about my personal life, and would appreciate it if we kept our conversations work-related."
   • Example: If a co-parent gets upset and starts raising their voice, you could say, “I’m not going to communicate with you when you raise your voice.” Then, wait for them to calm down before talking again.
   • Be sure to enforce your boundaries every time they’re broken. If you let something slide once, a person who tends toward manipulation may keep pushing and try to break the boundary even more.
3. 3
   Work toward personal goals. Invest your time into your passions and the things that you love doing so you can feel independent from someone with abusive behaviors. Focus on your interests and hobbies so you feel the most fulfilled in your life. Set goals for your personal projects and for your career that are specific to what you want to achieve in life. As you complete the things you want to, you won’t hold onto any feelings you have for the person trying to control your life.

   • Create SMART goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive. For example, you might set a goal to complete a 10,000-word short story in a month or shave 30 seconds off your 1-mile run time within 6 weeks.
4. 4
   Spend time with friends and family that support you. Reach out to your loved ones and let them know that you’re trying to ignore a person who’s causing harm in your life. Talk about how you’re feeling and ask for their support through it all. Try to find activities that you can do together to help take your mind off the situation.

   • If you’re really struggling to deal with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way, reach out to a therapist or check for any abuse recovery programs offered in your area. They can help you recognize that the person’s behaviors aren’t your fault and give helpful insight.
   • A therapist may also help you understand the other person’s behavior. While there’s no excuse for any kind of abuse, it may help to understand that someone with a legitimate NPD diagnosis cannot always control their behaviors.
   • Someone with NPD is likely suffering from a lack of empathy and deep insecurities, and they may genuinely struggle to form relationships with other people.
   • While these facts don’t mean that you need to keep this person in your life, it may help you better understand them and find peace in the situation.
5. 5
   Reflect on what you need in a relationship. Take a minute to think about what you’re looking to get out of a friendship or relationship that your ex-partner or friend wasn’t giving you. What values are important to you and how can your relationships reflect them? What needs need to be met for you to feel fulfilled? What are your expectations for the other person you’re close with? Once you find what you want out of a relationship, search for people who have those values and spend time with them.
6. 6
   Recognize abusive or manipulative behaviors so you avoid them in the future. Be wary of people who have controlling behavior and want you to act in a certain way to make them happy. Also be on the lookout for people who refuse to take accountability, blame you for your wrongdoings, and have trouble showing empathy towards tough times you’re experiencing.
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Section 3 of 3:

Can someone who’s hurt you change?

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1. Someone who’s hurt you may change if they see the negative impacts they’re causing. If they see that the relationships in their personal or professional lives are breaking down, they may begin to understand how their behavior negatively impacts people. While it may take a lot of motivation and effort for this person to completely change their ways, they can still manage their behaviors if they set their mind toward being more empathetic and understanding of others.

   • If a person works with a therapist, it’s a good sign they want to make a meaningful change. A therapist can help a person find the root cause of their behavior, challenge how they handle situations, and offer helpful insight to change how they interact with others.

Community Q&A

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• Question

  How do you cope with an adult child who is a narcissist?

  

  Andrew Di

  Community Answer

  Adult children display narcissistic traits exactly because they're adult children. They want attention and affection. The best way to cope with them is to show them that you're there for them, and that you love them unconditionally. If you are a kind parent to them and all your observations are done with kindness, they'll react very well.

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• Question

  My husband is a malignant narcissist who has been violent in the past and actually broke a disc in my spine. I have been ignoring him now for three weeks. Do you think my daughter and I are safe at home?

  

  Andrew Di

  Community Answer

  No. Distance yourself and get somewhere safe. He may react badly either way, so get yourself and your daughter physically safe.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow

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Tips

• It’s completely normal to feel upset or sad when you’re cutting off a person you love. Give yourself some time to grieve about the relationship, but look forward to all the time you have to focus on yourself and other relationships.
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• Keep in mind that not all abusive people have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and not all people with NPD are abusive. Avoid labeling any individual as a narcissist simply because their behavior is manipulative, abusive, or toxic—NPD is a legitimate mental health condition that must be diagnosed by a licensed professional.
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• Remember that your perspective and what you have to say are completely valid and true to you, no matter what another person may tell you. You’re allowed to think differently and disagree with them if your feelings don’t align.
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