11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Dev Murphy, MA

Last Updated: September 6, 2024 Fact Checked

If someone in your life is egotistical, lacks empathy, and has an inflated sense of self, you may consider them to be narcissistic. It's important to note, though, that just because someone displays narcissistic tendencies, it doesn't mean they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD can only be diagnosed by a licensed therapist, and not everyone with NPD is manipulative or abusive. ^{[1]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source} If the person in your life is controlling, toxic, and calculating, it may seem like a challenge to outsmart them, but you can put them in their place by setting boundaries and taking away their ability to manipulate you. We're here to help you confuse and disarm them with this psychology-backed guide.

1

Be unpredictable.

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Manipulative people are comfortable when they know what to expect. Some egoistic people work hard to learn how to get certain reactions (mostly praise) out of you because their self-worth is defined by what others think. When you do or say something unpredictable, they completely unravel because their primary defense mechanism—knowing how to play you—is gone.^{[2]
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Research source} Throw them off their game by:
- Changing how you react to their grandiose claims (if you typically push back, try randomly agreeing with them to confuse them).
- Taking a new leadership position over them if you’re coworkers or classmates.
- Suddenly showing them little or no reaction to their behavior.

2

Say “no” when they ask for favors.

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People with big egos often expect others to do things for them. An inflated sense of their own importance may make them feel entitled to special treatment from everyone. Start saying “no” to their requests—they won’t know how to react to the rejection at first and will be shocked to have to manage on their own.^{[3]
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- They may try to persuade you to regain control of you. Stay firm and stick to your boundaries—backpedaling is an invitation for them to keep poking. Over time, they may learn to respect your boundaries.
- Switching up when you say “yes” and when you say “no” is a good way to make yourself unpredictable and keep them on their toes.
- Reader Poll: We asked 207 wikiHow readers for their most effective way to protect themselves from love bombing, and 57% of them said, recognizing and setting healthy boundaries. [Take Poll]
  - Narcissists often turn on the charm to get what they want. Setting firm boundaries shuts that love bombing down.

3

Remove all emotion from your reactions to them.

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They may want you to blow up so they can villainize you. If they can’t get your attention, they might try to elicit a negative emotional response from you and paint themselves as a victim. They’ll point to your outburst as evidence that you’re mean or volatile. Confuse them by keeping your cool—put on a neutral face, speak calmly, and stick to the facts. Don’t mention anything about how you feel or bring up past emotional experiences with them.^{[4]
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Research source} Disarm them by:
- Non-judgmentally commenting on what’s happening, like “There isn’t a reason to be upset right now” or “Your behavior seems aggressive.”
- Giving them simple “yes” or “no” answers to their questions and trying not to directly agree or disagree with them.
- Using your body language to show them you’re relaxed and unbothered: keep your muscles relaxed and your arms uncrossed.

4

Bore them with the “gray rock” treatment.

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It’s exactly what it sounds like: be as useless and boring as a gray rock. Manipulative or self-absorbed people may only want others around to use them or to entertain themselves. If you don’t have anything to offer them, they’ll get puzzled and leave you alone. To use the gray rock method, don't show any physical expression, respond in as few words as possible, and be as boring and unhelpful as you can be.^{[5]
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- This is a great, subtle tactic to use when you’re stuck with this person and can’t remove yourself from the situation.
- They’ll likely poke and prod to get some kind of rise out of you. Eventually, they’ll either drop their manipulative act and interact with you in a polite and maybe even genuine way—or they’ll leave you alone to seek attention from someone else.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?

Only a mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder), but there are plenty of red flags you can look out for. Take this quiz to find out where you stand.

1 of 12

How did they act when you first started dating?

Super lovey-dovey. They thought our relationship was written in the stars!

Extra charming. They really knew how to lay it on.

A little flirtatious. Nothing too overkill, though!

Friendly and respectful. They had a healthy sense of boundaries.

5

Guard your sensitive information closely.

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Manipulative people often gather info about you to control you later. They’ll find ways to twist your secrets, past experiences, or insecurities to their own advantage. The solution? Be an enigma to them and offer no personal information about yourself. The less they have on you, the more confused they’ll be by you.^{[6]
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- It’s hard to withhold information if you live with a narcissistic family member or partner. Try to only share what’s necessary.
- Keep conversations brief and avoid personal topics like your childhood or love life. Always speak carefully when you answer their questions about you.
- It’s hard for manipulative people to misquote silence. When in doubt, just stop talking to them.

6

Walk away while they’re talking.

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A manipulative person is strongest when they're in the room talking at you. Their game is mostly verbal, so confuse them by simply not playing along. Look for ways mid-chat to leave them hanging—use the restroom, fake a phone call, or find an excuse to end the conversation. They’ll doubt their manipulative abilities if they can’t hold you in a conversation.^{[7]
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- Disengaging is a self-care tactic too. Talking with a self-absorbed or toxic person can often feel frustrating, depleting, and like you’re hitting your head against a wall.
- If they start to yell or get verbally abusive, leave the room or hang up the phone to reinforce that you will not let them talk that way to you.

7

Cut off all communication.

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Self-important people get confused when people don’t want to talk to them. They’re the ones that are used to discarding people, so when it happens in reverse, they feel confused, defeated, and maybe even panicked. Don’t answer their calls, texts, or DM’s, or interact with them at all if you can help it.^{[8]
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- The more desperate they are for attention, the uglier their attempts to reach you will be.
- Going “no contact” is a tool many controlling people use to passive-aggressively manipulate others. They’ll be thrown off by a taste of their own medicine.

8

Point out their dishonesty directly.

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It's rare for someone to call out a toxic person for their behavior. They’re used to everyone believing them or just going along with it. Be blunt and tell them, “You’ll say anything to seem right.” They’ll flail and lie again to save face, so just call them out again (“See? You just did it again!”).^{[9]
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- This tactic is even more effective if you do it while other people are around to witness it.

9

Ask them questions about their faulty logic.

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Manipulative people often lie to protect their image or control others. A simple clarifying question directed back at them will give them pause. They’ll often do a total 180 and change opinions, ideas, or stories when they realize you’re not falling for their faulty logic.^{[10]
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Research source} Ask them things like:
- “Can you explain that timeline again? It sounds like you were in 2 places at the same time…”
- “Did you mean to take all the credit for a team project, or was that an accident?”
- “Are you asking me to help you with the yardwork, or just to do it all for you?”

10

Shine the spotlight on someone else.

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Egoists falter when validation is pulled out from under them. People with massive egos are usually self-absorbed because their self-esteem is secretly really low. They cling to validation and may feel threatened or confused when someone else receives recognition. So combat their need to be the center of attention by putting someone else in the spotlight. They’ll be confused when they see others getting validation that they think belongs to them.^{[11]
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Research source} Try:
- Clarifying who they have to share credit with for projects or group assignments.
- Prompting someone to share an interesting story at a party.
Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is the most shame-based of all the personality disorders. Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."

11

Do your best instead of letting them win.

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People with huge egos are often bewildered when somebody beats them. It just doesn’t fit with their constructed fantasy. They discourage competition by making others feel less important, capable, valuable, skilled, or special. Put them in their place by not holding back in competition with them.
- Perform at your best, whether you're playing a board game or recreational sport.
- Take a leadership role at school, at work, or in the community.

Expert Q&A

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Question

Why do narcissists suddenly act nice?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

When you start to pull away, narcissists will try to suck you back in. They may suddenly be really nice to you to bait you. However, they'll go back to their old ways after you get comfortable again.

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Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

Ruby

Top Answerer

Yes. Relationships can be difficult for people on both sides of the relationship, but openness can help a relationship. Narcissistic personality disorder can be difficult for the person who has it, and it can also affect their relationships, so it's important to understand the disorder. You should both be able to communicate your boundaries and be open about your feelings. If this is difficult, you can try relationships therapy.

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Why do narcissists not want to comfort their partner who is in pain?

Ruby

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They may lack empathy. This means that they find it hard to put themselves in someone else's shoes. For this reason, they may not be able to understand why their partner is in pain. A lack of empathy doesn't make someone a bad person, but it can make relationships difficult. You should encourage openness in your relationship and to communicate your feelings better.

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Remember that not everyone with clinical NDP is abusive or manipulative, and many people with NPD are able to manage their behavior with therapy and/or medication.^{[12]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}

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If their behavior hurts you, it’s important to set boundaries or distance yourself from them.

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It’s usually better to disengage a manipulative or toxic person than to try to confuse or confront them, especially if they’re abusive.

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