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Having sex with someone new can be nerve-wracking, but it’s exciting, too! There are probably a lot of things running through your mind when you’re prepping to have sex, and not all of it is helpful. That’s why we talked with licensed psychotherapist Kelli Miller and licensed professional counselor Josh Spurlock to find out the best ways you can prepare for intimacy, both mentally and physically.

Preparing for Sex

  1. Ask yourself if you’re ready and comfortable enough to have sex.
  2. Keep an open mind and try to avoid setting unrealistic expectations.
  3. Protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs with condoms or dental dams.
  4. Shave your genitals, legs, and armpits (if you want to).
  5. Take a bath, wear lingerie, or do something that makes you feel sexy.
  6. Dim the lights, light a candle, and turn on some sensual music.
1

Check in with yourself.

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  1. Even if you’ve had sex before, taking the plunge with someone new can be nerve-wracking, but you can take all the time that you need. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller says “you really want to make this decision without feeling any type of pressure, either societal pressure [or] partner pressure.”[1] Ask yourself things like:[2]
    • Am I really ready to have sex, or am I feeling pressured by my partner/friends?
    • Do I feel comfortable having sex with my partner?
    • Could I have any regrets afterward?
    • Have we talked about using protection during sex?
    • Do I feel comfortable saying no at any point?
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2

Set realistic expectations.

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  1. If you haven’t had much sex before and you don’t know what to expect, that’s okay! It might be a little awkward, silly, or even downright funny at times. Keep an open mind, and try not to set the bar too high for yourself or for your partner.[3]
    • Don’t be afraid to giggle or laugh during sex (as long as you aren’t laughing at your partner). Letting out a little chuckle can really help lighten the mood and keep things fun instead of serious.
    • As you get to know your partner more and figure out what you both like, sex will feel more natural and authentic.
3

Talk to your partner about it.

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  1. Your partner might be going through the same struggles you are, and it can be helpful to talk to someone about what you’re thinking. Ask them how they feel in the relationship, where they’re at with sex, and how long they’d like to wait before getting intimate.[4]
    • Say something like, “So, we’ve been dating for a little while, and I think I might be ready to have sex. How are you feeling?”
    • It can feel awkward to talk about sex, but by being open and honest, you can make the experience better for both of you. If you don’t feel like you can talk about sex with your partner, it might be better to wait a while before getting intimate with them.
    • Licensed professional counselor Josh Spurlock says that it can also help have “conversations with people that you trust about their experience.”[5] Chatting with people who know what they're talking about can help you feel less anxious or nervous.
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6

Wash and cleanse yourself beforehand.

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11

Tell your partner what you like.

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  1. Start out by telling your partner what you’re comfortable with, even if it’s not a lot. After you start getting physical, tell your partner what feels good and what doesn’t. If you can provide some direction, you can ensure that you both have a good time during intimacy.[11]
    • Make sure you’re listening to your partner as well. Miller says that “our partners aren't mind readers, and we forget that everybody is different [and has] different preferences. What your last partner liked, your current partner may not like.”[12]
    • You might say something like, “Let’s start slow” or, “That feels so nice.”
    Emily Morse
    Emily Morse, Author & Sex Therapist

    Prioritize finding out what works for you. "The best thing you can do for your sexual confidence is taking the time to learn what feels good for your body."

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12

Say “no” to anything you're uncomfortable with.

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  1. Miller says that “if somebody doesn't feel like they want to have sex, they have that right to say no.”[13] Even if you’ve already said yes, feel free to back up or ask your partner to stop if you feel uncomfortable. Consent is key, and you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do.[14]
    • Listen to what your partner says, too. They might say “no” or tell you to slow down, so pay attention.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 953 wikiHow readers who've been intimate, and 51% of them agreed that the best way to discuss boundaries is to let things progress naturally and address boundaries as they arise. [Take Poll]

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  • Question
    How do you know if you're ready for intimacy?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    An emotional connection to your partner is key! You should feel like they're hearing you and understanding you. You should never feel like you have to get intimate to please your partner—it should be something you want yourself.
  • Question
    My boyfriend wants to have sex, and I sometimes feel ready but sometimes I don't feel ready. I'm worried that he will break up with me. I really like him.
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    You should never feel pressured into sex. Explain to him how you feel. How he responds is an important factor for you to consider in your relationship.
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About This Article

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Co-authored by:
Psychotherapist
This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Cheyenne Main. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. This article has been viewed 189,132 times.
5 votes - 80%
Co-authors: 11
Updated: November 20, 2024
Views: 189,132
Categories: Relationships

Medical Disclaimer

The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.

Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 189,132 times.

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