Am I Codependent?

Find out if you experience symptoms of codependency.

Do you often have anxiety about your relationships or struggle with setting boundaries/establishing acceptable behaviors because you are afraid to lose your partner? You’re not alone. Codependency is a type of dysfunctional relationship in which the codependent person feels like they need their partner to function, often accompanied by feelings of low self-esteem and guilt.

Codependency can be overcome with a combination of awareness, mindful thinking, and therapy. We’ve put together a comprehensive quiz to help you identify possible codependent patterns so that you can work through them and enjoy happy, healthy relationships in the future!

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Questions Overview

1. Do you feel it’s your job alone to keep a relationship on track?
  1. No. My partner and I are equally responsible for our relationship.
  2. Occasionally, but I can usually talk it through with my partner.
  3. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one trying to maintain the relationship.
  4. Yes. I worry about this all the time and feel like I mess up often.
2. How often do you set and maintain boundaries with your partner?
  1. All the time. Boundaries are important, so I stick to them.
  2. Sometimes. I set boundaries, but I often end up letting them slide.
  3. Rarely. I don’t like setting boundaries, and I have trouble maintaining them.
  4. Never. I don’t want boundaries, I’m afraid my partner won’t like them.
3. How do you feel when your partner is struggling with a problem?
  1. I feel for them, but I understand if they need to deal with it on their own.
  2. I’m a little uneasy if they won’t accept my help. It doesn’t sit well with me.
  3. I feel like an unreliable partner if I can’t help them with their problem.
  4. I feel anxious and guilty. If they’re struggling, it’s my job to fix everything.
4. How does it feel when you help your partner with something?
  1. It’s nice to see them happy! I love them, so I’ll gladly help if they need it.
  2. It makes me feel a little better about myself when I can help them.
  3. Helping my partner makes me feel like I’m worthy of their love and needed.
  4. I feel less afraid that they’re going to leave me…for a little while, anyway.
5. Are you afraid that people will abandon you if you aren’t helpful to them?
  1. No. I believe that people love me for exactly who I am.
  2. I sometimes worry about that, even though I know it’s unhealthy.
  3. Yes, I do have that fear more often than not.
  4. Definitely. It’s happened before, and I think it’ll happen again.
6. Which of the following would you do to avoid a conflict?
  1. I’d take a walk to get some air, but I’m not afraid to talk things out.
  2. I’ll try to negotiate, but I’ll cave and apologize if that doesn’t work.
  3. I try to say how I feel, but mostly end up doing things their way.
  4. I’ll do what they want and never mention that I feel differently. I may also hide my feelings.
7. How do you feel when you do things for yourself?
  1. Fine. I have needs just like anyone, and I deserve to have them met.
  2. I feel mostly okay, but sometimes I worry about what others think of me.
  3. I do things for myself occasionally but usually feel guilty afterward.
  4. Even the thought of it makes me feel guilty. How will my partner feel?
8. Do you ever idealize your partner, or view them as perfect?
  1. I don’t think so. I think they’re amazing, of course, but nobody’s perfect.
  2. Occasionally. They’re really great, and I worry about measuring up.
  3. Sometimes it feels like they really are perfect, and I’m definitely not.
  4. Yes. I don’t know what someone that wonderful sees in me.
9. How do you feel about the possibility of rejection?
  1. Nobody likes rejection, but I’m not scared of it either.
  2. I can take it, but emotionally it leaves a scar.
  3. Rejection crushes me, and it’s hard for me to get over it.
  4. Rejection is one of the scariest things to me, and I’ll do anything to avoid it.
10. How often do you apologize to other people?
  1. I’ll apologize if I’ve genuinely done something to hurt them.
  2. Sometimes I apologize too much, but I’m working on it.
  3. I apologize instinctively, even when it’s probably not necessary.
  4. I apologize all the time because I feel unworthy compared to others.
11. Do you have trouble with being single?
  1. Actually, I kind of enjoy it. I don't need a partner to be happy!
  2. I definitely don't like being single, but I know I shouldn't settle either.
  3. I think so. I usually end up dating again immediately after a breakup.
  4. Yes. I’m afraid of being alone, so I never let relationships end if I can help it.
12. Have you ever tried to manage or control your loved ones?
  1. No. I’m responsible for myself and can’t control other people’s actions.
  2. I’ve caught myself doing it a few times, but I try not to.
  3. Sometimes, I just can’t help it. I worry about what will happen if I don’t.
  4. All the time. I feel responsible for everyone else’s actions.

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Codependency in Relationships

Signs of a Codependent Relationship

Idealizing a partner. Admiring your partner’s best qualities is to be expected in a relationship, but it doesn’t mean they’re perfect. Codependent people tend to ignore their partner’s mistakes and flaws, even when they negatively impact the relationship. They may fantasize about the idea of their partner rather than who they really are.

Feeling guilty when you don’t take care of your partner’s needs. If you’re codependent, you may feel it’s your job to fix your partner’s problems and that their happiness comes before yours. This can lead to feeling intense guilt when you do things for yourself instead of them or focus on anything outside the relationship.

Avoiding conflict for fear of upsetting your partner. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. If you’re codependent, however, you may worry that any conflict will cause the relationship to fail and go out of your way to avoid it. This can lead to an unwillingness to set boundaries or voice your needs to your partner.

Fear of conflict can also lead to you taking on the blame for things you didn’t do and apologizing simply to avoid an argument. Depending on how severe the codependency is, you may even be willing to endure a partner insulting or mocking you, despite how harmful it is.

Taking on lots of responsibility to make your partner happy. In a codependent relationship, you may feel it’s your job to solve your partner’s problems, no matter what it costs you to do so. Even if helping them causes you stress and anxiety or leads you to neglect your own needs, you might do it to ensure your partner is happy. It may feel like your partner’s needs are always more important than your own.

Worrying about what your partner is thinking and feeling. If you’re codependent, you may find yourself obsessively worrying about whether your partner is happy or upset with you. If you sense they’re upset, this can also influence your desire to help them no matter how it affects you.

Feeling like you’re losing your identity. If you’re codependent, you may be reluctant to do anything your partner doesn’t want to do. When your sense of identity is tied up in the relationship, it may get harder to sustain other relationships with friends and family or keep pursuing your hobbies and other independent interests.

Trying to control your partner’s behavior. Sometimes, codependency can lead you to attempt to manipulate your partner into doing what you want. This often stems from a belief that you might be happy in a relationship if you can control your partner’s behavior.


Overcoming Codependency

Therapy with a licensed professional is always the most effective treatment for a behavioral issue like codependency, but there are also steps you can take on your own to improve codependent behavior.

Speak up about your needs and desires. You and your partner are equals, and you both have needs that must be respected. Keep in mind that the more you bottle your feelings up, the more you may resent your partner later on. It’s healthier for both of you if you stand up for yourself, let your partner know what you need from them, and be receptive to your partner’s needs as well.

For example, say that you worry a lot when you don’t have time to connect and talk to your partner, especially during weeks when you’re both busy, stressed, or dealing with other matters. If you realize that you need more time and emotional intimacy with your partner, it’s okay to tell them so and ask if you can both set aside a chunk of time each week—perhaps a couple of hours on a particular night—to reserve for one another. It doesn’t make you bossy or an inconvenience! A truly caring partner will hear you out and be open to finding solutions.

Set and maintain healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries goes hand-in-hand with advocating for your needs and desires. When boundaries aren’t enforced, your need and your partner’s needs can get all mixed together until there are no boundaries at all—and in time, it might feel like you have no space or independence. To overcome codependency, it’s important to reestablish firm boundaries and maintain them even when there’s a potential conflict.

You might tell your partner that you’re not going to a party that weekend because you’re exhausted from work and need time to rest, for example. They might find your decision disappointing, and that’s okay; you’re taking care of yourself, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Plus, even if they’re disappointed, a compassionate and respectful partner will also understand why you’re setting that boundary.

Try not to take things personally. It can be difficult to separate your partner’s feelings and actions from your own, but it’s an important part of any healthy relationship. It’s not your personal job to ensure that your partner never has any problems. Remember that you can be supportive and accept your partner for who they are without trying to “fix” them—and ensure that they’re willing to do the same for you.

Make time for self-care. If you have codependent tendencies, it may feel like doing anything for your own benefit is selfish. However, self-care is vitally important—both for your own mental health and for the good of your relationship. The truth is, it’s hard to look after someone else if you’re not also taking care of yourself! Be sure to carve out “me” time regularly to do things that relax you and bring you happiness, even if it’s just a soothing bubble bath after work or some quiet time reading a book.

Embrace your independence. It’s crucial to have a life outside of your relationship. Schedule time for you to pursue your hobbies and passions by yourself. Go out with friends and spend time with close family members. Ensure that you’re spending time away from your partner in order to maintain your sense of individuality. You’ll still do some things with your partner, and spending some time apart doesn’t damage a relationship—it’ll improve it. Remember too that it might feel hard at first to do things alone, but over time you’ll learn to appreciate your independence.

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