How to Stop Disappointing Your Parents

Co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW

Last Updated: June 21, 2024

As much as you love your parents, sometimes it feels as if you’re constantly disappointing them. By understanding their expectations for you and adjusting your behavior to meet those expectations, you can improve the relationship with your parents and help to reduce unnecessary conflict and stress!

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Doing Well at School

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1
Prioritize homework. Get into the habit of starting your homework as soon as you get home. You’ll not only earn the respect of your parents, but will have your nights free to do other things.
- If you have questions about an assignment, ask for help. Your parents will be happy that you’re showing initiative.
- Understand homework policies. It’s important to discuss with your parents any questions you have pertaining to their homework policy.
- Be able to answer questions about location, time, if friends can come over, etc. Here are some questions to get you started:
  - Time: What time should homework be started and how late is too late to begin working on it? Are breaks allowed?
  - Place: Where can homework be done and is the TV or music allowed to be on while doing homework?
  - People: Can friends come over to do homework?
2
Don't let technology be a distraction. So many of today’s issues stem from technology. Whether it’s being used too much or it’s used inappropriately (which includes using it at inappropriate times, such as during school); technology can be the source of many problems and disappointments.
- Turn off your phone at school. Though it's already a rule at most schools, make sure your phone is off during the day.
- When it comes to social media; there are some significant obstacles for both parents and teenagers. While social media can be beneficial, it has also proven to have some horrible costs.^{[1]
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- Part of doing well in school is learning to get along with your peers. Using social media in a way, which negatively impacts another person at school is something you want to avoid.
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Show up to school. It should go without saying that showing up to school is the first step in doing well at school.
- Many schools already have strict policies in place to prevent students from skipping school, so make sure you're following the rules.
- Whether it's showing up on time or not leaving early, it's important to be present at school.

Part 2

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Following House Rules

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1
Respect your curfew. While you may not agree with it, you should know if your parents have a curfew and what time you’re expected to be back. Discuss any repercussions for breaking curfew.
- It’s important to understand both the rules and the consequences for not following them.
- If you’re still not seeing eye to eye on your curfew ask your parents to consider two different curfews - one for school nights and a slightly later one for weekends.^{[2]
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- Remember that your parents are looking out for your safety. If you need further clarification as to why they have a curfew in place, politely ask them to explain it.
- Show up on time, if not a few minutes early. If you aren’t going to be back in time due to an unexpected issue or something beyond your control, let your parents know.
- Give them an estimated time of arrival if you are going to be late and don’t wait until the minute before you’re due home to make the call.
- Be honest. Don’t make up excuses as to why you’re not home if you’re just trying to spend more time with your friends. Your parents will catch on!
2
Get your chores done. Though it may not be your favorite thing to do in your spare time, more than likely, your parents expect you to do chores. Whether it’s cleaning your room or taking care of the family pets; you should understand what’s expected of you.
- The question of who has ownership of a teenager's room has long divided parents and teenagers.^{[3]
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  Health information from the American Academy of Pediatrics.
  
  Go to source} It’s time to sort this matter out with your parents by understanding their view of your room. How often should it be cleaned? Is some clutter allowed?
- Understand the timeline for completing your chores. If you’re asked to care for the family pets, for example, discuss how often they need to be fed and walked.
- In the event you’re too busy with school work or after school activities, you should find out if there is any flexibility when it comes to your chores. If so, know who should take over your responsibilities and how far in advance you should ask for help.
- Do your chores without being asked. Whether it’s cleaning your room before mom asks or refilling the dog’s food bowl before dad mentions it, start doing your chores without being asked.
- It might help to add chores to your afternoon routine. You could start by doing your homework and once the assignments are complete, you could work on your chores for a half hour or so. That will still give you plenty of time at night, plus it will make your parents happy!
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Respect the house rules. As an adolescent, it's important to have some respect for your parents’ ground rules. Remember, it is their house.^{[4]
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Research source} Encourage your friends to follow house rules as well.
- Regardless of whether it’s taking off your shoes in the house or sitting down to eat at 6:00 PM every night; don’t feel uncomfortable about asking friends to follow the rules when they are over. Your parents will greatly appreciate you taking the lead.
4
Set ground rules for boyfriends/girlfriends. Even if you don’t have a significant other now, at some point you will. It’s important to understand your parents rules to avoid disappointing them.
- You should discuss when and where it’s appropriate to entertain your significant other at home.
- Discuss what kinds of dates are appropriate for your age.
Though there are many reasons for abstaining from drugs and alcohol; often kids choose to abstain out of fear of disappointing their parents and/or as a result of their parents' positive influence in their lives. Even more importantly, both are illegal. Stay out of trouble with the law AND with your parents by abstaining from drugs and alcohol!

Part 3

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Spending Time with your Family

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1
Show up for family meals. It may happen daily, weekly or even monthly, but whenever it occurs be sure to show up to family meals.
- Dinner provides families with the opportunity to share stories, relax and recharge with the goal of developing a sense of who you are as a family.^{[5]
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- Don't skip meals in favor of hanging out with your friends. They can wait the extra hour to see you.
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Be present. 3,700 texts a month or 125 per day are sent and received by teenagers.^{[6]
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Research source} Chances are, a lot of those messages are received while you're at home.
- Put the phone down, turn off your music and really spend time with your family.
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Participate in family activities. Spending time together provides you with better opportunities for sharing quality experiences.
- Spending time together helps to foster open dialogue and better communication. The more time you spend together, the easier you’ll find it to converse with your parents.
- You'll also create some great memories together that you can talk about for years to come.

Part 4

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Motivating Yourself

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1
Find ways to earn money. Asking parents for money is a downright hassle. At least that's how half of teens (49%) feel. Take it upon yourself to look for babysitting jobs or rake your neighbor’s leaves.
- There are plenty of ways to make money as a teenager.
- Having financial independence will help you to feel better about yourself.
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Do what makes you happy. There's nothing a parent loves more than seeing their child happy. What's more, you'll feel a sense of pride in your accomplishments.
- Keep it within the confines of the law and the house rules. For example, if you love to travel don't take it upon yourself to go on a road trip without permission. Try planning a weekend excursion with your family instead. If you're in college, you could sign up for the study abroad program.
- For high school aged kids, if you enjoy theatre, try signing up for school plays. Perhaps you enjoy drawing, so talk with your parents about adding an extra art class to your schedule.
EXPERT TIP

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

The happier you feel, the better of a family member you'll be. Take time to prioritize yourself and do things that you enjoy. When you do things that revitalize you, you'll be more equipped to make your home a happy place!
Though it's not the norm, there are parents who have unreasonable expectations or who are emotionally abusive. Learning to be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished is important for developing a sense of self, apart from your parents.

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Tips

Try to do more listening than speaking if your mouth has gotten you into trouble in the past.

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Offer to help your parents once in a while, they will appreciate this seeing as they have spent your whole life helping you to grow and enjoy life.

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Avoid arguing; Parents are not always right, contrary to popular belief, but it's best to be respectful and not back-sass them.

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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

After an argument, some good ways to break the ice are to tell a joke, get them something to eat that they really love, or even just leave them alone. Sometimes all people need is a little break.
Even if they didn't ask you for help or you asked them and they said no, but you see they need help, help them. They appreciate it!
Don’t continue to sass your parents after you get in trouble for sassing them.
Show them, don't just tell them, that you can do better.
You don’t always have to be right, but be respectful.

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Warnings

If you feel yourself getting angry with your parents during a discussion, take a moment to cool down. Don't say something you'll regret.

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