How to Deal with Emotionally Abusive Parents & When to Cut Ties

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Coping strategies to heal from emotional abuse & reclaim your life

Co-authored by Mental Health America and Bailey Cho

Last Updated: September 4, 2024 Fact Checked

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• Seeking Help
|
• Getting Distance
|
• Practicing Self-Care
|
• Signs of Emotional Abuse
|
• Risks Factors & Effects of Emotional Abuse
|
• When to Talk to a Therapist
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• Video
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• Tips

|Show more |Show less

Emotional abuse occurs when parents intentionally insult, control, or hurt their child. While it may not result in bumps or bruises, it can leave invisible scars that last throughout adulthood. If your parents emotionally abuse you, the best thing to do is set boundaries for yourself and maintain distance. It may help to lean on a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for support. Learning stress management skills and building up your self-esteem can also help you cope and overcome trauma.

Tips to Cope with Emotionally Abusive Parents

1. Share your experiences with a trusted friend or relative, or seek professional help.
2. Practice self-care by journaling, meditating, and making time for activities that you enjoy.
3. Set clear boundaries and state the consequences if your parents don’t respect them.
4. Consider cutting ties if their behavior severely impacts you or your mental health is declining.
5. If you live with your parents, get out of the house or go to your room when things escalate.

Steps

Section 1 of 6:

Seeking Help for Emotional Abuse

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1. 1
   Share your experiences with friends and loved ones. Talking to a trusted friend or family member can provide you comfort during an abusive situation. They may offer positive words, validate your feelings, or give you helpful advice, so don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for support.

   • For instance, you might say, "I know this may come as a shock to you, but my home life is pretty bad. My mom talks down to me and tells me I won't be anything when I'm older. It's mainly words, but it makes me feel bad about myself."
   • Keep in mind that emotional abuse often involves people brainwashing you into believing that no one will care, believe you, or take you seriously. However, you’ll probably be surprised by how much support you receive when you open up to other people.

   Tip: If you don’t have any close friends or relatives, try sharing your experiences in a safe online environment, like the support forums at PsychCentral.com. Look for forums that are moderated by administrators or community members who can intervene if they see signs of bullying or abuse in the community.
2. 2
   If you’re a child or teen, confide in a trusted adult. If you’re dealing with any kind of abuse at home, turn to a relative, teacher, church leader, a friend’s mom or dad, or another adult you trust. Abuse can be hard to talk about, but an adult can intervene in a situation where you don’t have power.

   • You might feel awkward to tell an adult what’s happening, but it’s important to let other people know if you’re being abused. Start by saying something like, “I’ve been having some problems at home lately. Can I talk to you about it?” Or, write your feelings and give them a note if that feels more comfortable to you.
   • If you don’t have an adult you can turn to or don’t feel comfortable talking to someone in person, call or text 1-800-422-4453. It’s a free and confidential helpline that’s open 24 hours a day. Alternatively, visit the Childhelp Hotline website for more information and support.
   • Keep in mind that some adults are legally required to report child or teen abuse to authorities. This includes people at school, such as your teacher, coach, counselor, or nurse.
   • If you tell a teacher or coach and they do not help, schedule a meeting with your school counselor and alert this person.
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3. 3
   Seek mental health treatment to process your emotions. Emotional abuse can have serious effects on your mental and physical health, which may continue into adult life. Without treatment, you may experience low self-esteem, difficulty forming relationships, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, and/or anxiety and depression. It can be hard to break the negative beliefs and thought patterns created by emotional abuse, but reaching out to a therapist can make the process easier.

   • Learn more about the therapists in your area and target your search by using the directory at PsychologyToday.com or GoodTherapy.org. Most therapists accept out-of-pocket payments on a sliding scale, but check what your health insurance covers.
   • Choose a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma or abuse recovery. During therapy, you can share details about your abuse as you become comfortable with your therapist. They will ask you questions and offer insights to help guide your sessions.
   • If you’re a kid, find out if your school offers counseling services, or ask a trusted teacher or administrator to help you connect with a counselor. If you’re able to talk to a school counselor, you could say, "There have been problems at my house. My dad doesn't actually hit me, but he calls me names and puts me down in front of other family members. Can you please help me?"
   

   Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

   Ask for help. "Don’t lose hope, and get backup. You’re not alone and you’re not without resources. Many people have pulled through their issues with the help of therapists, friends, family, treatment, good information, and/or hard work. It is possible."
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Section 2 of 6:

Distancing Yourself from Your Parents

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1. 1
   Refuse to engage in verbal abuse. If you’re in a situation that’s escalating, try to stay calm and move to safety. You are under no obligation to stay, call, visit, or expose yourself to abuse, so don’t let your parents guilt you into thinking you have to stick around. People who engage in abusive behavior might be trying to get a rise out of you, so avoid taking the bait. Instead, you can:

   • Maintain a neutral facial expression.
   • Ask an older or younger sibling for help.
   • Assert confidence with your body language.
   • Stop coming over or calling if you live away from home.
   • Retreat to your room or stay overnight at a friend’s house.
   • Set boundaries if you decide to keep in touch. You might say, “I will call you once a week, but I will hang up if you say cruel things to me.”
   • Keep in mind that you do not need to get involved in an argument if you do not want to. You don’t have to respond to what they say or try to defend yourself in any way.
2. 2
   Achieve financial independence. If you have the choice, don't live with emotionally abusive parents or depend on them for anything. Abusers often maintain control by creating dependence. Earn your own money, make your own friends, and live on your own.

   • Move out as soon as you’re able to support yourself.
   • If you can't afford to get through college without living with or relying on abusive parents, make sure to take care of yourself and set boundaries.
   • Get an education, if possible. You can apply for federal student loans without your parents under a few special circumstances, which include having no contact with your parents or not living at home because of an abusive situation.
3. 3
   Consider cutting ties if your mental health keeps suffering. You may feel obligated to stay in contact with your parents, but if their behavior severely impacts you or there’s nothing positive to gain from the relationship, it might be time to go no contact. It can be triggering to take care of them when they’ve been emotionally abusive, so reflect on your relationship and cut ties if it’s more painful than loving.

   • You don't owe a debt of care to those who have abused you. You may struggle with feelings of guilt or regret over cutting ties, but remember that you made the difficult choice to protect your mental health.
   • If other people do not understand why you've cut ties with your parents, you don't owe an explanation. You have every right to cut off communication and support from someone, no matter who they are or how long you’ve known them.
   • If you decide to become your parents’ caregiver at some point, focus your discussions on their care and ask for help if you feel overwhelmed. If they become verbally abusive or insulting, leave right away to make it clear that you will not tolerate this type of behavior.

   Tip: "Closure" is not always possible in conversation with an abusive parent. If you don't want to be in touch but fear missing the chance for "closure," ask yourself: “Have they shown that they are willing to listen? Do they acknowledge my feelings?” If not, you may be better off without any contact.
4. 4
   If you have children, protect them from abusive grandparents. Do not put your kids through the same abuse that you were put through. If your parents say inappropriate, critical, or insulting things to your children, intervene and end the conversation. Communicate behaviors that are not okay, and cut off visits if they do not respect your boundaries.

   • You can end the conversation by saying, "We don't talk to Eli that way. If you have an issue with the way he eats, you can talk to me about it." While most adult conversations should be conducted in private, it’s important for your child to see you protect them in abusive situations.
   • If your parents keep coming over unannounced, you could say, “I need you to ask me if you can visit, rather than showing up without notice. Eli has extracurricular activities, and it’s not fair to him if I can’t drop him off. I would appreciate it if you could notify me a week in advance so I can clear my schedule.”
   • Protecting your children also means not following your parents’ example. It might be tempting to stoop to their level or talk badly about them, but it won’t improve your situation. Instead, come up with a plan for when you feel the need to engage in these behaviors. For example, you could step out of the room or think of your to-do list to distract yourself.
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Section 3 of 6:

Caring for Yourself

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1. 1
   Learn how recognizing abuse can help you. When your parents emotionally abuse you, it can be hard to separate the feelings that the abuse causes from the abuse itself. For example, if you can’t tell if your parents are abusing you, you may start to feel bad about yourself because you’re taking their words or actions to heart. Once you learn to identify abusive behaviors, you can:

   • Recognize that what is happening is not your fault.
   • Take control of your own reaction during abusive situations.
   • Put more appropriate distance between you and your parents.
   • Get the help that you need to cope with the abuse and move forward.
   • Understand why your parents behave the way they do and recognize that their behavior comes from them, not from you.
2. 2
   Identify abusive patterns and triggers. Reflect on previous experiences to identify when your parents are more likely to get abusive. Do they always yell at you when they’re drunk? Do they get upset if you bring up a certain topic? Do they tend to get angry after the weekend? Once you recognize these warning signs, you can prepare yourself better or make a plan to dodge abuse.

   • For example, if your mother always yells at you when she has been drinking, try to get out of the house as soon as you see her with a bottle.
   • If your father tries to diminish your accomplishments when you've achieved something, refrain from telling him about your successes and only tell people who support you.
   • If you need help figuring out these triggers, document instances of emotional abuse in a journal and highlight any similarities. You may notice changes in your parents’ mood or behavior right before abuse happens.
   • With that being said, the level of freedom you have depends on your age. If your parents don’t let you drink alcohol or attend parties in high school, it doesn’t mean they’re being overly controlling. Parents set rules to protect you and steer you towards positive development, but if they won’t let you visit friends or attend school, it’s a sign of abuse.

   Tip: You may notice that certain things you do or say may trigger your parents’ abusive behaviors. However, keep in mind that the abuse is still not your fault. Nobody deserves to be abused, and your parents’ behaviors in these situations are not appropriate.
3. 3
   Minimize time around your parents and find safe places in your house. Sometimes, the best way to take care of yourself is to avoid your abuser. This may be easier said than done if you live with your parents, but if you can, find ways to put physical distance in between you and them. If you sense that your mom is about to be abusive, for example, you could tell her that you need to do homework and head to your room.

   • Alternatively, you could spend time at the library or a friend’s house, get involved in extracurricular activities at school, offer to babysit or house sit for extended family, walk around your neighborhood, or get a part time job to get out of the house.
   • While it’s a smart decision to move to safety, it's not your fault if you get caught in a serious conflict. No matter what you say or do, there is no excuse for a parent to emotionally abuse you.
4. 4
   Create a safety plan or call 911 if you feel physically unsafe. Just because the abuse is not physical doesn’t mean it can't escalate. Develop a plan to keep yourself safe in case things take a turn for the worse. If you ever feel like you’re in danger or your parents physically attack you, get to a safe place immediately and call emergency services or a loved one.

   • A safety plan involves choosing a safe place, having someone to call for help, and knowing how to take legal action against your parents (if necessary). It may involve keeping your cell phone charged and nearby at all times, or having your car keys on you.
   • Sit down with a trusted adult, like your school counselor, and put together a plan that helps you feel prepared in case of a crisis. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also has a tool to help you create a safety plan.
5. 5
   Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Building a support system of friends, family members, colleagues, teammates, or mentors is one of the best ways to fight low self-esteem. Many people who are victims of emotional abuse often have a negative view of themselves, but spending time with caring, non-judgmental people can help them process the abuse and feel validated and understood.

   • You can also boost your self-esteem by doing things you enjoy. Whether it’s dancing, reading, watching movies, or listening to music, engaging in fun activities can help you move forward.
   • If possible, participate in a sport or youth group at school, church, or somewhere else in your community. This serves double-duty by helping you feel better about yourself and getting you out of the house.
6. 6
   Establish clear boundaries with your parents. If you feel safe doing so, sit down with your parents and tell them that their behavior is unacceptable. It may be scary to stand up for yourself, but the abuse may never stop if you don’t say something. Clearly explain how their actions affect you, give examples, and use “I” statements to avoid coming off as accusatory.

   • State what the consequences will be if your parents ignore your boundaries. If they don’t respect your personal limits, follow through and enforce the consequences. Making empty threats will only enable their behavior and make you seem less credible.
   • For example, you might say, “Mom, I get scared when you drink. If you continue to come home drunk and bully me, I’m going to live with Grandma. I want to stay with you, but I just don’t feel comfortable.”
   • You could also say, “I don’t appreciate the way you speak to me. I know I’m not doing that well at the moment, but there’s no need to call me names. It makes me feel worse than I already am. If you keep disrespecting me, I will cease communication with you.”
   • If you think your parents might get violent with you, setting boundaries might not be the best approach. Always prioritize your safety and reach out to a trusted adult or therapist for further support.
7. 7
   Learn stress management skills. Research shows that emotional abuse can generate stress, which may lead to long-term issues like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). To combat this, find ways to relax and keep your stress levels low—get enough sleep each night, eat healthy meals, exercise regularly, and make time for activities that bring you joy.

   • Other healthy stress management habits like journaling, meditation, deep breathing, and yoga can help you feel calm on a day-to-day basis.
   • If your symptoms are severe, see a therapist to help you manage your stress and emotions. They can also teach you how to set boundaries with other people and protect yourself from abuse in the future.
8. 8
   Define and focus on your positive traits. No matter what your parents might have said, you are an amazing person who’s worthy of love, care, and respect. You are not responsible for your parents’ behavior, so don’t listen to their insults and ridicule. It may take time to build up your self-esteem and fully love yourself, but reflecting on your best qualities and treating yourself with kindness can speed up the process.

   • Make a list of your best qualities and traits, then repeat them out loud every day. The more you do it, the more likely you’ll change your perception of yourself!
   • For example, you might say, “I am open-minded to new ideas, and I always try to uplift others. I wouldn’t hesitate to let a friend borrow something or help someone in need. This makes me a kind, caring, and generous person.”
   • If you’re struggling to push negative thoughts away, engage in activities that you’re passionate about. Or, repeat positive affirmations. You might say, “I am a worthy person, and I trust, respect, and love myself. I can do anything I set my mind to.”
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Section 4 of 6:

Signs of Emotional Abuse

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1. 1
   Excessive insults or belittling Your parents may try to pass insults off as a joke, but this type of abuse is no laughing matter. If they frequently make fun of you, belittle you in front of other people, or dismiss your ideas or concerns, you are in an emotionally abusive situation. There is a thin line between discipline, teasing and abuse.

   • For example, if your dad says, "You're such a loser. I swear, you can't do anything right," this is verbal abuse. Your parents may do this in isolation or in front of others, causing you to feel bad about yourself.
   • To see if you’re dealing with an abusive parent ask yourself the following questions: Do they make you feel like you’re worthless or not good enough? Do they call you mean names? Do they tell you that you don’t deserve anything, or that you’ll never find anyone better than them? Do you feel like you’re always put down or ignored?

   Tip: A little bit of teasing between family members can be normal and even healthy. However, if your parents put you down or call you names and then tell you to “lighten up” or say that it was “just a joke” when you get upset, they have crossed the line into abusive behavior.
2. 2
   Control or manipulation If your parents try to control every little thing you do, get angry when you make your own decisions, or dismiss your abilities and autonomy, you may have an abusive relationship with them. Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that aims to control another person through fear, intimidation, and manipulation. While your parents may feel like they’re just “parenting,” controlling behavior is a sign of abuse.

   • People who engage in this type of abuse often treat their victims like inferiors who are incapable of making good choices or taking responsibility for themselves.
   • Your parents may try to make decisions on your behalf. For instance, your mom might visit your high school and ask your guidance counselor about a college you didn't want to apply to.
   • Other forms of controlling behavior include requiring you to “check in” with your parents all the time, having them go through your phone, not being allowed to go to places alone, or needing permission to make plans with other people.
3. 3
   Shaming or blaming Some abusers have unrealistically high expectations of their victims, but refuse to admit any wrongdoing themselves. People who engage in this kind of abuse may blame you for things that you have no control over. They may tell you that you’re the cause of their problems so they can avoid taking accountability, or hold you personally responsible for their emotions.

   • Abusers tend to be very resentful toward others. They might blame their lack of success on fate or other people.
   • For instance, if your mother blames you for being born and having to abandon her singing career, she is blaming you for something that wasn't your fault.
   • If your parents say their marriage fell apart "because of the kids," they’re blaming you for their inability to cope. Remember, every person is responsible for their own actions.
4. 4
   Giving you the silent treatment Parents who pull away from their children and refuse to communicate with them may be engaging in a form of abuse. Consider your parents’ motivation in giving you the silent treatment. Are they trying to punish or control you? Do they blame you when they distance themselves from you? If so, it’s a sign of emotional abuse.

   • Love and understanding aren’t things you should have to bargain for, and refusing to speak to a child can leave them frustrated, confused, and unheard.
   • If your parents struggle to communicate their thoughts in general, it’s possible that they aren’t trying to control or harm you. The silent treatment is a learned behavior in some cases, where the other person doesn’t see it as wrong. Growing up with the silent treatment isn’t an excuse, but it might mean your parents don’t recognize how they’re hurting you.
5. 5
   Selfishness and neglect Egocentric and narcissistic parents may only see you as an extension of themselves, and this makes it impossible for them to have your best interests at heart. Even if they genuinely believe that they’re supporting you, their self-interests prevent them from fully taking care of you.

   • Narcissistic parents are often uncomfortable or jealous if their child gets attention and will try to make everything about themselves.
   • If you have a single parent, for example, they might guilt-trip you by saying, "Well, I know you had a party to go to with your friends, but I'm so lonely here. You are always leaving me."
   • Other symptoms of narcissistic parenting include disrespecting your boundaries, trying to manipulate you into doing what they believe is “best,” and getting upset when you don’t live up to their unrealistic expectations for you.
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Section 5 of 6:

Risks Factors & Effects of Emotional Abuse

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1. 1
   Domestic violence and mental illness may increase the risk of abuse. Emotional abuse can occur in any family, but you may be at greater risk of emotional and physical abuse if:

   • Your parents abuse drugs or alcohol.
   • They’re in a toxic or abusive relationship.
   • They have untreated mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder or depression.
   • They were victims of child abuse and never learned the proper parenting skills.
   • They are dealing with stress, special needs, financial difficulties, or a lack of support.
2. 2
   Emotional abuse may have serious, long-term effects on your health. Depending on the severity of your abuse, the level of contact you have with your parents, and whether you get adequate support, you might develop mental or physical health problems. These include, but are not limited to:

   • Anxiety
   • Insomnia
   • Depression
   • Anger issues
   • Low self-esteem
   • Eating disorders
   • Suicidal thoughts
   • Substance abuse
   • Difficulty forming healthy relationships
   • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
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Section 6 of 6:

When to Talk to a Therapist

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1. Attend therapy if you’re struggling to deal with the effects of abuse. Experiencing emotional abuse from a parent can be extremely damaging and traumatic. If you feel like you don’t have control over your life or the effects of the abuse are overwhelming you, seek professional help. Talking to a therapist can help you process your emotions, reduce self-blame, and develop healthy coping skills. Some therapy options include:

   • Group therapy: A form of psychotherapy that involves one or more therapists working with several people at the same time.
   • Family therapy: A type of talk therapy that focuses on improving relationships among family members. It’s beneficial when the whole family is willing to participate, but not advised if the abuse is ongoing.
   • Attachment-based therapy: A type of therapy that involves reviewing early memories through the lens of attachment theory. It may treat issues like unresolved childhood trauma or the inability to identify and communicate needs.
   • Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): A structured, problem-focused type of therapy that can help you manage your emotional concerns and mental health condition.
   • Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): An evidence-based treatment for children and adolescents who are impacted by trauma from their parents or caregivers.

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Tips

• When you need guidance, it's your parents’ job to step in, but there’s a distinct difference between healthy discipline and abusive behavior. To see if your parents are being abusive, reflect on how angry they get when you do something wrong. It’s natural for parents to get frustrated when their kids break the rules, but it’s never okay to shame, blame, reject, threaten, name-call, or withhold love.
  Thanks

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• Alternatively, take a look at friends who have good relationships with their parents. How do their parents speak to them? What’s the “worst” punishment they’ve received? Do their parents encourage them to be independent? What kind of support and discipline do they receive?
  Thanks

  Helpful 3 Not Helpful 1
• Many abusive parents don’t realize that they’re being abusive. Even if your parents have good intentions or have learned their behavior from their parents, emotional abuse is inexcusable. Remember, you are not responsible for your parents’ actions and are worthy of love and respect!
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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

• Some parents think that because they do some good things, they are good parents. They cannot accept that their behavior is abusive and thus may do good deeds towards you such as offering you favors, whether financially or otherwise. Good deeds do not counteract the bad. Some may even use it as blackmail to guilt trip you into doing what they want you to do on the grounds that they "went out of their way for you" with a favor, even if they didn't.
• If you think you're being abused, you ARE. You're not imagining it. People (especially your abusers) will most likely try a thing called gaslighting. They'll abuse you and then pretend that nothing ever happened, or that it's your fault. It is not your fault. You do not deserve abuse, no matter what you've done. Living with abuse often clouds your mind and makes you unable to trust others; please never forget that you're not alone.
• Don't try to make excuses for abusive behavior. That's exactly what an abuser wants from you.

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