How to Stop Suffocating My Girlfriend

Written by Tala Johartchi, PsyD | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: June 27, 2022 References

When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to devote all your time and attention to your partner. However, dedicating all your time to someone can actually push them away. Fortunately, there are a lot of ways you can cut down on your tendencies and let your girlfriend have some space. In this article, we’ll list 11 of the most effective things you can do to stop smothering your girlfriend and foster a healthy, loving relationship together.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Check out the full interview here.

1

Set limits on how often you spend time together.

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Talk to your girlfriend to find out how much alone time she needs. It can feel strange to spend time apart when all you want to do is see your girlfriend, but some people need that time apart to decompress.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach

Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} Avoid seeing your girlfriend every single day, since that might make her feel smothered.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist

Expert Interview. 14 April 2021}
- You might make a compromise that you’ll hang out in-person every other day, or even 3 times a week.
- Use this opportunity to find other ways of spending your free time, without depending on your girlfriend all the time.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.}

2

Limit the amount of texts you send her throughout the day.

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When you’re apart, try to let her have some space.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach

Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} It’s totally fine to send her a message every now and then, but texting her all the time could make her feel overwhelmed. Instead, set a limit of 3 to 4 texts per day when you aren’t together. This can be a loose rule that you don’t always follow, but texting her too often could make her feel smothered.^{[5]
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Research source}
- Or, maybe you just send her a good morning text and a good night text.
- You can use the same rule for calling her on the phone. Try to only reach out once or twice throughout the day so that she gets some space.

3

Let her hang out with her friends.

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Your girlfriend deserves some time with her closest pals. It’s totally fine if you want to be invited along every now and then, but give your girlfriend some space when she just wants to see her friends for a night. That way, you’ll both have some time apart from each other, and she’ll probably have some funny stories to tell you when you see her again.^{[6]
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- It’s important for both of you to have your own friends that you can spend time with separately. Otherwise, you might end up spending too much time together, which can lead to resentment.

4

Try not to watch her social media accounts.

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Watching her every move will only make you more anxious. When you two aren’t hanging out, put down the phone or log out of social media. It’s not healthy to watch everything your girlfriend does online, and asking her about it later might make her feel weird.^{[7]
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- Taking a break from social media can be beneficial in a lot of ways, especially if you tend to overthink things.

5

Spend more time on your own.

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Learn how to be alone with yourself so you don’t need someone else there.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach

Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} Sometimes, we want to spend a ton of time with our partner because we can’t stand being alone. Thankfully, this is a skill that can be learned easily—by spending more time by yourself, you’ll get more comfortable with it, and you won’t need your girlfriend around 24/7.^{[9]
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Research source}
- If you’re having a tough time being alone with your thoughts, try listening to an audio book or a podcast to fill the silence.
- You could also try cooking, baking, taking a bath, relaxing in nature, or exercising.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.}

6

Hang out with your friends.

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Dedicate time to your loved ones to feel more well-rounded.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach

Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} When you’re in a relationship, it can be easy to neglect your friends. Try to hang out with your mates at least a couple times a week to have some more balance in your routine.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist

Expert Interview. 14 April 2021}
- Plus, it will give your girlfriend a chance to hang with her friends or have some alone time if she needs it.

7

Practice self care.

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Do something nice for yourself every single day. Self care not only makes you feel better in the moment, but it can actually boost your self-esteem and make you feel more confident. Not only will this help you enjoy your own company a little more, but it will probably make you happier overall.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source

Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- You could try taking a bubble bath, listening to good music, making yourself a nice cup of coffee, doing some light exercise, or meditating.
- Try practicing mindfulness for 10 to 15 minutes every day. Focus on what’s happening now, in this moment, instead of worrying about the future or the past.^{[14]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 14 April 2021}

8

Make your space your own.

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The more you feel comfortable at home, the better. If you feel sad or empty every time your girlfriend leaves, it could be because you’ve changed your space to fit her tastes instead of yours. Make sure that your home or your room feels like a spot you can relax in on your own.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source

Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- For instance, if you love playing video games, you might set up your gaming computer on a nice desk with a comfortable chair to sit in.
- If reading is your favorite way to relax, you could set up a cozy book nook next to your bookshelf.

9

Let your girlfriend make her own decisions.

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Your girlfriend is allowed to do things on her own.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach

Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} You can’t control her thoughts or her actions, only her own. Part of not smothering her is letting her do her own thing, even if you don’t agree. You can voice your opinion, but you can’t control what she does or doesn’t do.^{[17]
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Research source}
- If you don’t agree with a decision she’s making, you might say, “I know it’s your decision in the end, but I just wanted to say that I think it’s a bad idea.”
- If your girlfriend is not meeting your needs, talk to her, but trust her explanations during your conversations.^{[18]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.}

10

Talk to your girlfriend about how you’re feeling.

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Communication will help your girlfriend understand where you’re coming from.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach

Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.} A lot of times, we cling to our partners because we’re feeling anxious or afraid they might leave us.^{[20]
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Expert Source

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.} Tell your girlfriend about what you’re going through and how you’re working on things so that she understands you a little better.^{[21]
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Research source}
- “I just wanted you to know that I can tell I’ve been smothering you lately. I think I’ve been feeling anxious, and I’m doing my best to cope on my own and find other things to distract myself so that you can have some space.”

11

Figure out where your clinginess comes from.

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Getting to the root of the problem will help you overcome it. When we’re overly dependent on our partner, it often stems from a lack of attention during childhood. You might be afraid that your girlfriend will leave, so you hang onto her tightly. Try to think back into your past experiences and understand where your tendencies come from.^{[22]
X
Expert Source

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}
- It can be tough to think through these things on your own. Once you know where your clinginess stems from, consider talking to a mental health professional to work through your memories and come up with coping mechanisms.

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Tips

It sounds counterintuitive, but the more you give your girlfriend space, the closer you two will grow together.^{[23]
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Expert Source

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}

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