How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Smartphone Obsession

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW

Last Updated: September 18, 2024 References

Smartphones are extremely useful and even fun additions to our modern lives. However, many people have developed a reliance on the smart phone that borders on obsession. This is especially troublesome if you’re in a relationship with someone with a smart phone obsession. Ultimately, by reflecting on how their usage impacts you, initiating a dialogue, and taking steps to communicate effectively, you’ll be better able to talk to your partner about their smart phone obsession.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Initiating a Dialogue

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1
Pick the right moment. When bringing up the problem, you need to pick the right moment so you have enough time to have a real discussion. If you pick the wrong moment, your discussion may be rushed, incomplete, or come across as hostile.
- Initiate the conversation when you are together. Do not initiate it by text or over the phone.
- Consider a quiet moment when you have some time to talk. For instance, avoid initiating the conversation in the morning when both of you are getting ready for work.
- Try not to pick a moment when the person is using their smart phone. If you do, they may see it as an attack. At the same time, they might be doing something useful (or work related).^{[1]
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Avoid accusations. When you start your conversation, don’t start off with a blanket statement of what you think they are doing. By simply stating “you are addicted to your smart phone,” you’ll set a negative tone for the discussion and might even close them off to listening to your concerns.
- Use words that moderate your tone. For instance, say “I feel” or “It seems” or “I think”
- Never make definitive statements like “You use your smart phone too much.”^{[2]
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3
Express the fact that you identify with their fascination. It might help to share the fact that you understand why they love playing with their phone all the time. By sharing this, you’ll put your partner at ease and let them know that you understand their position.
- Share the fact that you love your own phone. For example, say, “I’m really into my phone, too. I just think it is so easy to overuse the phone.”
- Tell them that their phone is really cool. Say “John, your phone really is awesome. It can do so much.”
- Explain that you, at times, have struggled with your phone usage, too. Say for example, “Daryl, when I got my new phone, I was obsessed with it, too.”
- Let them know they’re not the only one obsessed with their smart phone – many people are.
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Tell them how it makes you feel. Perhaps the most important thing is to share exactly how their phone obsession makes you feel. Without sharing this, your partner won’t really understand why you’ve initiated this conversation.
- Tell them you feel like they ignore you. For example, say “John, it hurts my feelings when you focus on your phone and ignore me.”
- Let them know you are frustrated. For instance, say “Sarah, I get so frustrated when I’m talking to you but you don’t listen to what I’m saying because you’re playing with your phone.”^{[3]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Communicating Effectively

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1
Be polite. When talking to your partner about their smart phone addiction, you need to be polite. If you’re not polite, they won’t take your concern to heart and may just get angry at you.
- Let them know you are appreciative that they are listening you and taking your concerns seriously. For instance, start off by saying “George, I really appreciate you listening to my concerns.”
- Avoid calling your partner names.
- Don’t use curse words or vulgarities.^{[4]
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Watch your body language. When talking to your partner, make sure you have positive body language. If you don’t have positive body language, you’ll send nonverbal signals that you are angry or upset with their behavior.
- Don’t cross your arms in a defensive posture.
- Try to smile.
- Use a relaxed posture.^{[5]
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Avoid getting emotional. Perhaps the most important thing in communicating effectively is to stop yourself from getting emotional. If you get emotional, you may not be able to properly articulate the reasons why you are upset with their phone usage. In addition, you may wind up inadvertently escalating the conversation into an argument.
- If your partner says something that angers you, breathe deeply. For instance, they might blow off your concerns. Instead of getting emotional, talk to them about it later.
- Stay focused on what you want to say to your partner.
- Use humor, if you can possible. Joke and say, “are you going to marry your phone?”^{[6]
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Listen to what your partner says. While you want to be able to articulate your perspective, you also need to listen to how your partner responds to you. Without listening, you won't be able to get a fuller understanding of the situation.
- Don't talk when your partner is responding to you.
- Let your partner know you are listening. For instance, say "I know you might see this differently. I'm happy to hear you out."
- If your partner has a good argument about how their smartphone is necessary for work, listen to them.
- Avoid thinking about your response as your partner is talking. If you're thinking about what you'll say next, you won't be able to internalize what they are saying.^{[7]
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Compromise with your partner. In the end, you'll want to reach some sort of agreement with your partner. By reaching a compromise, you'll feel better about the relationship and your partner won't have to completely change their phone usage. Some compromises might include:
- Your partner won't use the phone during meals or family time.
- Your partner won't use the phone when you are talking to each other.
- Your partner might lower their data plan.^{[8]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Reflecting on Their Smartphone Usage

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1
Think about the problem. Before you talk to them about their obsession, you’ll need to ponder the issue. Without thinking about the problem, you won’t be able to properly articulate your concerns to your partner.
- Ask yourself why their phone obsession bothers you. For instance, ask yourself whether their phone obsession is a temporary thing or does it represent a larger problem in your relationship.
- Think about whether your relationship has had more problems since your partner got their smart phone or if those problems existed before.
- Consider if they are really obsessed with their phone. For instance, think about whether they are wasting time playing with their phone or if they are doing work-related activities.^{[9]
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List things to tell your partner. By listing the reasons, you’ll get yourself ready for talking to your partner about their phone obsession. Some problems might be:
- They play with their phone rather than listening to you. Thus, conversations with your partner seem one-sided.
- Your partner is unable to fulfill their obligations like work and chores because they spend too much time fiddling on their phone.
- The person neglects paying attention to and loving pets and children because they play with their phone.
- Your partner spends a lot of money on smart phone games, apps, or in-app purchases.^{[10]
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Reflect on your own cellphone habits. Before talking to your partner about their phone usage, you need to think carefully about your own habits. Ultimately, you shouldn’t approach your partner about their phone usage if you engage in the same behavior.
- Spend some time, days or even a few weeks, considering your own usage. Try to note if you use your smart phone during mealtime, while others are talking to you, or during other important events.
- Ask close friends or family what they think of your usage. For instance, ask your best friend “Do you think I’m obsessed with my smart phone?”
- Track your data usage. If you use a lot of data, or as much data as your partner, you may have similar usage patterns as them.