How to Break up With a Married Man

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW

Last Updated: May 28, 2024 Approved

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Perhaps you are deep in a relationship with a married man and are trying to figure out how to break it off with him. Though the married man may promise to leave his wife and start a new life with you, he may continue to leave you hanging or string you along until you become tired of his empty words. Though it can be emotionally trying to break up with a married man when you still have feelings for him, it is important that you prepare yourself for the break up conversation and that you express your desire to end the relationship as clearly and effectively as possible.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Preparing for the Break Up Conversation

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1
Consider why you have decided to break up with him. If you are anxious or uncertain about whether or not it is the right decision to break up with the married man, it may help to make a list of the reasons why the relationship is not working. You may feel it is time to end the relationship due to frustration with his inability to leave his wife, guilt due to his constant lying to you and to his family, or anger at being “the other woman”. It can help to remind yourself of the reasons why it may be time to end the affair as you prepare to have the break up conversation with the married man.
- Many married men who have affairs will offer very similar excuses as to why they are cheating on their spouse and why they cannot leave their spouse. For example, “I haven't divorced her because of the children,” “I don't love her anymore and I don't think I ever did”, or “We don't sleep together and haven't for a very long time”.^{[1]
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- Though you may have believed these excuses when you first became involved with the married man, over time you may get tired of hearing these excuses and be frustrated that the married man seems incapable of leaving his spouse, even when he claims to be unhappy or unfulfilled. It will likely be up to you to end the relationship, as the married man may be content to string you along and continue to use the same excuses.
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Reach out to family and friends. Though you may not want to tell your family or close friends about the affair, you can lean on them for support in other ways. Spending quality time with family and friends, away from the married man, can help you gain perspective on the relationship and remind yourself that you have other meaningful relationships in your life besides the affair.
- If you do have a family member or friend you feel you can confide in, talk to them about your feelings around the affair and your decision to end it. Sometimes expressing your emotions and feelings to a sympathetic ear can help you figure out the motivations behind your decision and feel you have support in your decision to walk away from the relationship.
- If you do not feel comfortable sharing your feelings with anyone, you can write down your thoughts in a journal or a diary. Working through your emotions on the page may help to prepare you for the break up conversation and give you an outlet to vent about the relationship.
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Re focus on your needs and your priorities. It's important that you prepare yourself in active ways by re focusing on your needs and your priorities. Practice self care by eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly, and getting eight to nine hours of sleep a night. You can also take up stress-management techniques like yoga or meditation. Taking good care of yourself will help you to move on from the relationship after the break up, both physically and mentally.^{[2]
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- Rather than devote your time to analyzing what went wrong with the relationship, focus on a new hobby or passion, or on developing stronger skills at your job. Prioritizing your career and your well being over the needs of the married man can help you to feel empowered and stable on your own.

Part 2

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Having the Break Up Conversation

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1
Set up a time where you are both alone and can talk privately. The break up conversation will likely be intense and difficult so set the scene by choosing a time and place where you can be alone and talk in private. This could be a quiet bench in a park or a private spot in a coffee shop. Choose a location that feels neutral and secluded enough to give you both space to talk and listen.
- Choose a private place to talk in public rather than having the talk in your home. If the man reacts negatively, this can help keep you safe.
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Express yourself clearly and calmly. Because you are the one instigating the break up, you will need to take charge of the conversation and be clear about your intentions. Try to keep your voice calm and controlled, as getting emotionally may signal to the married man that he can try to comfort you and avoid the break up conversation. Using a calm and clear tone will make it apparent that you are serious about your desire to end the relationship.
- For example, you may begin by telling the married man you need to discuss your relationship and your unhappiness or discomfort with the situation. "I would like to talk to you about our relationship. I am not happy with our relationship and I think we need to address the status of our relationship."
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Use “I” statements. To ensure you are understood clearly by the married man, focus on “I” statements, such as: “I feel that you are not committed to our relationship and I am not comfortable being the other woman,” or “I think we should end our affair. I am tired of all the lying and sneaking around.”
- At this point, the married man may try to persuade you to change your mind or use excuses he has used in the past. Resist this by providing reasons why you think it is time to end the relationship and by being clear that you have made your decision. Using “I” statements will show you are being accountable for your decision and are expressing your feelings without blaming or accusing the married man. This will keep the conversation controlled and prevent it from devolving into a shouting match.
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Be firm about your desire to end the relationship. Once you have stated your intentions to end the relationship, be firm about your decision by rejecting any excuses the married man may use and walking away if he tries to persuade you to change your mind. ^{[3]
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- For example, you may say: "It's no use arguing about this anymore. I'm not going to change my mind and I hope you can respect my decision by not contacting me in any way. I think we both need time apart to accept the break up."
- You may want to cut communication with him to give him time to accept your decision and to avoid being tempted to renew the relationship. Avoid calling, texting, or emailing him, and do not answer any of his messages if he reaches out to you. Doing this will show him you are serious about your decision to end the relationship and will also help you to move on from the relationship.

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Question

How do I stop loving a man?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

This is difficult. We often still love a person even though we might realize that they are not good for us. Don't expect to stop loving instantly. Surround yourself with your loved ones, like family and friends.

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Question

How do you break someone up?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

You cannot really break someone else up, but you can initiate a breakup with a person you are in a relationship with. First, think things through, make a list of the positive and negative aspects of the relationship. Once you are sure, have a face to face conversation unless the other person is abusive.

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Question

What do you say when you break up?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

If you are certain, let them know that you want to sit down and have a discussion when it is convenient for them. Take their schedule into consideration. Being open and direct is usually the best way even it can be very difficult.

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