How to Control Love

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: April 10, 2024 References

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If you’ve ever fallen in love with the wrong person—and haven’t we all at some point?—the notion of “controlling love” probably sounds as realistic as “herding cats.” So maybe you can’t really get in total control of love, but you can find ways to manage it!

Here are 12 tips to help you better control your feelings for someone.

1

Distract yourself from fixating on the person.

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Set up diversions that keep you busy and shift your focus. The more you let yourself think about the person you’re trying not to fall for, the more likely you are to fixate on them and lead yourself down the wrong path. So whenever they do pop up in your thoughts, divert your path! Busy yourself with a positive activity that requires your focus. For instance, read a book, call a friend, do a puzzle, draw, play a video game, knit, clean, or go for a walk.^{[1]
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- If you actively try to push the thought of them from your mind, you may find yourself thinking about them even more. Instead of trying not to think about them at all, line up lots of alternative things to think about.
- Distracting yourself can help change your mood. If you’re upset about the situation, interrupt your negative mood by engaging in something else.

2

Do things you really enjoy.

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Fill your time with the things that make you happy and fulfilled. If you love painting, take a painting class. If you love playing guitar, start a garage band. If you love setting up dolls and taking pictures of them performing in a circus, go for it! The “what” doesn’t matter so long as it’s a healthy choice that gets your mind rolling on the right, positive path.^{[2]
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- Many people find volunteering to be one of the most fulfilling activities they can do. Look for volunteer opportunities in your community that spark your interest.
- When a large part of your life is dedicated to doing something that gives you purpose, everything else sort of falls by the wayside. Those feelings you don't want to feel get crowded out—mostly. You literally have better things to do than to obsess over that person.

3

Spend more time with others.

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Hang out with friends instead of being alone with your thoughts. The more time you spend focused on other people, the less time you’ll be able to spend thinking about Mr./Ms. Wrong. If you come home at night and have too much time to yourself, your mind is going to wander and those feelings are going to come back. But if you surround yourself with others, you'll stay busy and get the emotional rewards that come with being social.^{[3]
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- Don’t take the awesome people in your life for granted! Seize every opportunity to spend quality time with them for your own wellbeing (and theirs too).

4

Give yourself the advice you’d give a friend.

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Be as rational as you can and weigh the pros and cons of the situation. Try to step back and imagine that you are observing things instead of being directly involved. It may help to pretend that you’re helping a lovestruck friend. If you would advise them not to pursue the relationship for lots of sensible, logical, and practical reasons, do the same for yourself!^{[4]
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- For example, what would you tell your friend if they fell for someone who was already married? Or was moving halfway across the world in two months? Or had proven themselves unreliable and unfaithful? Or had a violent temper?
- Similarly, what would you tell your friend if they felt like this was their only chance at love? It would certainly be rational to remind them that there are always “other fish in the sea,” right?
- It may help to get out a posterboard and make up a full “pros and cons” checklist.

5

Come up with "if-then" plans.

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Decide ahead of time how to respond when a situation arises. You can’t control your wants, but you can control your actions. Think of it this way: a good diet plan doesn’t stop you from wanting french fries, it stops you from eating french fries when you want them by having a healthier alternative ready to go. In the same way, “if” (and “when”) you get the urge to call that person who isn’t right for you, “then” have a plan in place to call your best friend instead. “If” you want to grab your phone and text that Mr./Ms. Wrong, “then” play your favorite game on your phone instead.^{[5]
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- The “if-then” strategy is a way to anticipate your wants, handle them, and reroute them towards more constructive behaviors.

6

Meditate to refocus your thoughts and feelings.

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Centering your mind helps eliminate unwanted thoughts. Emptying your mind to meditate may sound like an open invitation to get fixated on that person you’re trying not to think about. However, if you truly get centered and focused on your own experience in the moment, everything else gets swept away. Think of it as a mental cleanse!^{[6]
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- This is a good technique to use when you’re trying to move beyond your feelings for someone who isn’t right for you. It’s also useful when you’re trying to navigate feelings that you do want to pursue for other reasons.
- If traditional meditation isn’t quite your style, try something like progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises, prayer, listening to soothing music, or curling up and getting lost in a good book.

7

Take your time when you choose to pursue love.

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Take baby steps instead of leaping in with both feet. Love can hit you like a thunderbolt and make you want to go all-in all at once. That’s not always a bad thing, but you’ll usually benefit from taking things more slowly and letting your feelings develop over time. Otherwise, you might scare the other person off or get too deep into a relationship before you’re truly ready for it.^{[7]
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- You’ve heard the phrase “love rushes in,” but that doesn’t mean you have to rush it along! Try to pace yourself and allow things to progress naturally. When you’re feeling a little “love crazy,” call up a friend and talk about your feelings and how best to proceed.

8

Stay in the moment with your new flame.

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Make yourself present with them to help your connection deepen. One of the most important things you can do when you're with a person is to truly be there with them. It sounds easy, but when was the last time you were with someone and you felt like they were 100% with you? Not glued to their phone, not letting their eyes dart around people-watching, not flipping through the channels; just there with you. If you can be that person, not only will your new flame appreciate you more, you'll also feel more connected to them.^{[8]
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- While you can't force love to bloom from a new relationship, you can nurture the seedling and help it grow if the attraction and the willingness is there. Being present with the person is the first step to doing just that.

9

Open up to them as your relationship grows.

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Do it gradually, but don’t hold back from revealing your true self. If you want your love to deepen, you have to be willing to open up and let the other person really get to know and understand you. This means letting go of some of the control over love you’re trying to hang onto, and that’s okay! Go at the pace that feels right to you, share who you are and what you’re feeling, and allow your connection to your partner deepen.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist

Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- You can start out small by simply sharing stories of your past. Then, you can start onto things you like and dislike, and how people and things make you feel. Don't delve into your deepest, darkest fears right from the start; you can do that when you're ready.

10

Listen and learn about them as a person.

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Let the other person open up, and accept them for who they are. The more you open yourself up to this person, the more they'll likely open up to you in turn. When they want to share with you, give them your complete focus and practice active listening to support and validate them. If they’re less eager to share, don’t try to force things—instead, use encouraging phrasing like, “I’m happy to listen if you ever want to talk about that.”^{[10]
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- As they open up to you, you'll start to see them for the truly unique human being they are. In some cases, your affection and connection will deepen into a loving relationship. Other times, you’ll realize they aren’t the right person for you.
- If you do realize that they aren’t the right person for you, don’t try to change who they are to suit you. Accepting them for who they are means accepting that you aren’t the perfect match you imagined. Love needs to be built on reality, not fantasy.

11

See things from their view as well as yours.

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Don’t try to control love by ignoring the other person’s perspective. Sometimes the way you feel has very little to do with the other person. You’ll take circumstances and events, interpret them from only your own viewpoint, and close your mind to the other person’s perspective. You certainly don’t want to ignore your own feelings and point of view, but you also need to consider the other person’s perspective if you want a loving relationship to flower.^{[11]
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- For example, it can be frustrating if your partner plops down in front of the TV after work instead of interacting with you. While you definitely have the right to your feelings, could you also give a little, accepting that this is their "me-time" after a long day? Start from an empathetic perspective so you can work toward mutual solutions as a partnership.

12

Allow love to grow naturally.

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Loosen your control and let love happen (or not). You can get so wrapped up in your desire to control the situation that you try to make reality fit your definition of what love should be like. You might end up saying "I love you" too quickly, moving in together too quickly, or ending things too quickly. Instead of trying to force things to go according to your plan, trust both your feelings and your rationality. What do your “heart” and your “head” tell you about the relationship and how (or if) it should continue to grow deeper?^{[12]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist

Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- You can’t force love into a box. Each loving relationship is a unique experience shared by unique individuals. Instead of trying to exert total control, “go with the flow” to some degree. Trust yourself—with the help of reliable friends, family, or mentors when available—to evaluate the relationship as it develops along its unique path.

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Question

What can you do if you find your lover kissing another man?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

It's helpful to confront them about it instead of letting it linger in the background. Clear the air if possible. If there is no trust, then there is no relationship.

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Question

How to do I stop being too attached to my boyfriend emotionally?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Develop a life outside of your boyfriend. Have your own hobbies, friends, and activities so you can fulfill your own needs. This will help you to detach a bit from your boyfriend.

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