How to Know if You're Lovers or Just Friends (And What's the Difference?)

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How to define your relationship according to dating experts

Co-authored by Alessandra Conti and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: September 22, 2024 Fact Checked

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How are friends and lovers different?

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Studying Their Words

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Considering Body Language

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Analyzing Your Relationship

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Expert Q&A

Have you ever wondered if a person in your life thinks of you as a friend, or more of a lover? And what’s the difference, exactly? We’re here to help you tell them apart! We chatted with professional dating coaches and matchmakers to help you analyze someone’s words, actions, and your relationship so you can decide where you stand. Keep reading to find clarity.

The Difference Between Lovers and Friends

Friends are people you’re comfortable around, spend lots of time with, and share mutual affection and trust with. Lovers are that and more; you feel a romantic bond with them, they often know you better than others, and you may have a physical relationship. Lovers are usually more committed to each other than friends.

Section 1 of 4:

How are friends and lovers different?

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Lovers typically know you more intimately than friends. A friend is simply someone you enjoy sharing time and mutual affection with, but being in a romantic relationship often involves more commitment from both people. A lover usually knows more about you than a friend, and is more invested in your life. They also tend to make sacrifices to be with you or support you. Also, lovers are often physically intimate, doing things like kissing, having sex, or other physical things that friends don’t.^{[1]
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Research source}
- When you’re just friends, you might call your relationship “platonic” instead of “romantic.”
- That said, there are tons of exceptions. Sometimes, for example, a friend might know you better than any lover ever could.
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Sometimes, the two aren’t very different at all. Ultimately, these are just labels we’ve made to describe a relationship, but labels are always shifting and changing. Your friends are sometimes your lovers, and your lovers are often your friends. There’s nothing a lover does that a friend doesn’t (depending on your relationship), so it’s hard to find a definition that separates the two.
- Still, it can be useful to tell if someone is either a friend or lover. Knowing this can help you decide on what direction you want the relationship to go.

Section 2 of 4:

Friend vs. Lover: Studying Their Words

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Ask them directly what label they’d use for the relationship. Do you want to know whether your friend has a romantic interest in you? Dating coach Laura Bilotta says to “try to be as honest as possible,” so go ahead and just ask!^{[2]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.} It’s the easiest way to find out, and leaves no room for confusion.
- Don’t be afraid to roll out the “What are we?” line. Either you’ll get a direct answer, or you’ll discover that the other person isn’t sure either, which is an opportunity to talk it out and clarify things.
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Listen to see if they talk about you with romantic words. Dating coach Connell Barret says that some people use language to tell you their intentions.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.} Do they use words that connote affection and emotion? Do they call you their boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner? Do they call hanging out with you a “date?” If they use the same language you’d use to describe a romantic partner, then it’s probably a romance.
- Also listen to the tone of their voice. If it becomes gentle, husky, or smooth, they may be acting romantic. If it’s more casual or joking, you may be just friends.
- Saying, “I love you,” isn’t necessarily evidence one way or another. Friends and family also say this to each other. But if the context is right—you’re on a date, holding hands, etc.—it could be romantic.
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Ask yourself if they’re always talking about romantic subjects. It’s not just the words you use together, but what you talk about, too. Romantic partners often talk about making a future together, or whether or not they want children.^{[4]
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Research source} You might also talk about sharing finances, the nature of love, or what a healthy romance looks like. These all suggest that you’re lovers, not friends.
- On the other hand, if your conversations stay casual, or have nothing to do with things like romance, sex, or long-term relationships, it might be a just-friends situation.
- If they often talk to you about their other romantic relationships, they might see you as more of a trusted friend, rather than lover material.

Section 3 of 4:

Friend vs. Lover: Considering Body Language

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1
Look for flirtatious or intense eye contact. Almost everyone makes eye contact, but not all eye contact is the same. A good friend probably looks you in the eye with an easygoing smile. A lover, though, might flirt by batting their eyelashes at you, leaning forward, or smiling coyly while they make eye contact.
- Be aware that this is very individual to the person's personality type. Some people just make intense eye contact, and it doesn’t mean much.
- Someone who’s really into you might also be shy about eye contact, and blush or act bashful during a conversation.
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Pay attention to how they touch you. Bilotta says physical contact is also a huge clue.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.} Friends often high five, hug, or pat each other on the back, while lovers do things like hold hands or give lingering touches on places like the thigh or the arm. And a kiss on the lips, of course, suggests romance.
- Friends often give short, tight hugs. Lovers often give longer, more gentle hugs.
- A lover might also flirt by running their hand through your hair, caressing your face, or even by playing footsie.
- Lovers are usually more comfortable being in each others’ personal space, and for longer periods of time, while friends are usually a little more aware of personal space.
- Ultimately, touches between friends are often much more casual, while touches from a lover are more tender and intentional.
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Determine whether their body language is open or closed to you. It’s not a foolproof tell, but celebrity matchmaker Alessandra Conti says that analyzing their body language can help!^{[6]
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Expert Source

Alessandra Conti
Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 19 March 2021.} Someone who’s into you will likely have open body language, while someone who’s keeping it platonic will sometimes have more closed body language. Here are examples and cues to look for:^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source

PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

Go to source}
- Open body language: Their feet point toward you and not away, their body faces you or leans toward you, there’s not much space between you, they make strong eye contact, and they don’t cross their arms.
- Closed body language: Their feet point away from you, they tilt their body away, there’s lots of space between you, they make shifting eye contact, they keep their hands down, and they fold their arms.

Section 4 of 4:

Friend vs. Lover: Analyzing Your Relationship

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Take note of how often you talk to and contact each other. Everyone’s communication style is different, but it can give you some clues.^{[8]
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Research source} Casual friends talk regularly, and good friends talk all the time. Lovers, though, tend to communicate the most, telling each other about their day and spilling each and every thought.
- How often do you think about this person? Can you ignore them or do you have to text back ASAP? Are they the first person you go to with big news, and do they do the same with you?
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Watch to see if they treat you differently than their other friends. If someone likes you romantically, they’ll probably act differently toward you than they would to any other friend. For one, Conti says they’ll make more one-on-one time with you, rather than just hanging out in a group all the time.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Alessandra Conti
Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 23 April 2021.} But also observe their behavior while they’re with you:
- For example, if they tease all their other friends but act very respectful toward you, you may be a lover. The opposite is also true—they might tease you a lot, but not their other friends.
- They might offer to pay for your meal, but nobody else’s. Or, they might make excuses to get you alone, apart from the others.
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Consider the sexual side of the relationship, if it exists. Don’t fall for the trap of assuming sex means you’re in the lover role—you could still be friends with benefits, or a fling, rather than lovers.^{[10]
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Research source} However, sexuality is a component of most relationships that move from friend to lover, so consider the following:
- If you have casual sex but stay away from deep or emotional topics, you’re probably just a friend with benefits. If sex is accompanied by dates, deep conversations, or other romantic gestures, it could be more.
- A friend is someone with whom we have fun and can share our deepest secrets with if we're really close with them; they are someone we go to the movies with or watch a sports game together. A lover is often just the same, only with an added sexual layer to the relationship, and an overall greater intensity.
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See if they get jealous of other relationships. Jealousy can mean that a person cares in a way a friend doesn’t.^{[11]
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Research source} If you start dating someone new, a platonic friend probably won’t get jealous, but someone who has romantic feelings for you often will.
- Be careful, though! If you talk about other romantic interests in front of them, they might take that to mean that you’re not interested in them.
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Pay attention to their level of commitment. Romance takes work! If they love you romantically, they’ll make sacrifices for you, and you’ll do the same for them. If it’s just a casual friendship, you probably won’t rely on them for things like deep emotional support. If it’s romance, though, they’re more likely to drop everything and come running when you need them.
- If they’re not into you, they might flake on plans or treat your time together more casually.
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Understand that you might be both a lover and a friend. Relationships are complicated things. If you tried to make a venn diagram of things lovers do versus things friends do, there’d probably be a whole lot of overlap. Not every relationship needs a strict label, and sometimes the best thing to do is enjoy it and see what happens.^{[12]
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Research source}
- Sometimes it may happen that a good friend becomes a lover and can become a very good life partner also. Lovers can also turn back into just friends.
- It might be more helpful to ask yourself why the distinction even matters. While society has categories for varying levels of emotional and physical intimacy, they are just that: categories. Those categories can easily change or not apply to everyone.

Expert Q&A

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Question

What does it mean when he views your story?

Alessandra Conti
Dating Coach
Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM).

Alessandra Conti

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It doesn't really mean anything. If he's interested, he'll comment on your posts, DM you, invite you to things, or do something else to reach out.

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Question

How do I know if a guy likes me but is scared?

Alessandra Conti
Dating Coach
Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM).

Alessandra Conti

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

If he's messaging you, try being a little flirtatious back to him. That way, you can let him know that you're interested in him too.

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Question

How can I tell if he likes me more than a friend?

Alessandra Conti
Dating Coach
Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM).

Alessandra Conti

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

He might try to get closer to you physically and emotionally. Watch to see if he leans in while you're around him.

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