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This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Is your girlfriend or other close female friend acting unusually different around you? Are you getting the cold shoulder, or any other subtle negative message that is making you feel uncomfortable? Rather than ignore it, it's best that you try to figure out whether something is wrong, or whether you're simply overreacting. You can do this by reading her body language and her communication cues. You can also reach out to those close to her to find out if she is upset and speak to her just the two of you.
Steps
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![Step 1 Notice if she...]()
Notice if she displays closed body language. Not all people express anger verbally, so take a look at how she holds herself.[1] Obvious signs of anger include shaking or trembling as well as sweating and a red or flushed face.[2] Not all signs are this obvious though, so consider the following too:[3]- A clenched jaw or clenched fist
- Avoiding eye contact
- Turning away from you
- Crossing arms over her chest
- Frowning, rolling eyes, or otherwise cold expressions
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![Step 2 Listen to the tone of her voice when she speaks to you.]()
Listen to the tone of her voice when she speaks to you. If she uses a mocking or strained tone, as if she is speaking through clenched teeth, she is likely not impressed with you.[4] She may even use a sarcastic tone, mock you, or make fun of you when you're mentioned in conversation or when you try to speak to her.[5] Other signs to watch out for include:- Yelling
- Shouting
- Raising her voice
- Snapping at you
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![Step 3 Check if she is not answering your calls or texts.]()
Check if she is not answering your calls or texts. The girl may express her anger by dropping her communication with you through phone calls or text messages. She may ignore your calls and voicemails and be unresponsive to your texts. You may find yourself sending out texts to her and not getting your usual quick reply or no reply at all.[6]
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![Step 1 Ask her close friends if she is upset.]()
Ask her close friends if she is upset. If the girl has cut off communication with you, in person or otherwise, contact her close friends to find out if she's mad at you. Ask her friend, “Have you spoken to her lately?” and “Do you know if she is upset at me?” The friend may be able to respond in the affirmative or contact the girl for you to get an answer.- Choose friends you know have regular contact with her, such as the people she goes to work or school with.
- Be respectful when you approach the girl's close friends and don't pressure them if they don't want to share any information with you.
- If the friend advises you to speak to the girl directly, respect this advice and don't make the friend feel bad for not telling you what's going on.
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![Step 2 Reach out to her parents or other close family members.]()
Reach out to her parents or other close family members. You may also want to talk to members of the girl's family, especially if she is close to her family and confides in them. Contact one of her siblings who knows you and is close to the girl. Politely ask the sibling if she knows if the girl is upset with you.- You may also want to reach out to the girl's parents, especially if you know her parents well and have a good relationship with them.
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![Step 3 Talk to your mutual friends.]()
Talk to your mutual friends. If you have mutual friends in common, consider approach them to get more information about the girl's state of mind. Ask the mutual friend if they've noticed the girl acting aggressive or upset towards you and if she has said anything negative about you lately. This can help you gauge if the girl is upset.- If the mutual friend also seems upset at you, this could be a sign that the girl may have confided in them. Ask them what happened.
- If the mutual friend refuses to tell you what happened, then ask a different mutual friend. If you get the same response, you may have to use a different tactic.
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![Step 1 Find a quiet, secluded place to talk.]()
Find a quiet, secluded place to talk.[9] This could be in your apartment, in a park, or in your favorite hang out spot on campus. It may be challenging, but having a serious and honest conversation with her can help to address her anger, determine the cause of her anger, and potentially resolve the issue.[10]- Let her choose the meeting spot. This will give her a level of control over the situation, which may make it easier for her to talk.
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![Step 2 Bring a peace offering.]()
Bring a peace offering. It's never a bad idea to bring a peace offering with you to a potentially emotional conversation, especially if you may be in the wrong. You may bring her something small and thoughtful, like her favorite drink or item of food. Or you may bring her flowers as a sign that you know she is upset and you feel bad for what you may have done.- Having a peace offering can also make starting the conversation with her easier, as you can hand her something she might appreciate and ease your way into the discussion.
- Keep it casual and don't make a huge show out of it, especially if you're in public. If she's mad at you, she may not want to be put into the spotlight.
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![Step 3 Ask her directly what you have done wrong.]()
Ask her directly what you have done wrong. If you are not sure what you have done wrong, you may want to start the conversation by asking her directly why she is upset at you.[11] You may say, “I'm aware you're upset at me, but I'm not sure why. Can you tell me why?”[12]- Don't ask her this if you have any suspicion as to why she may be upset. Doing so will likely make her even more angry at you.
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![Step 4 Apologize and make amends.]()
Apologize and make amends. If you're aware of what you've done wrong, you should make a heartfelt apology to her. Start by acknowledging what you did wrong and then go into a clear apology. For example, you may say, “I understand that you're angry at me for missing your birthday last week. I got caught up in my work and neglected your special day. I'm so sorry I did that and I promise it won't happen again.”[13]- Once you've apologized, you should ask her, “Will you accept my apology?” If she says yes, show her your gratitude and be humble.
- Make amends for your mistake through action. For example, if you missed her birthday, take her out to a special dinner and ensure that you don't miss it next year.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat do you say to a girl when she's upset?
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWKelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
PsychotherapistYou probably don't want to criticize her, so don't accuse her of being irritated. What you really should do is to make it about yourself. Tell her that you're sensing that maybe she's upset and ask if everything is okay. That's a gentler approach that should remove her from the defensive stance. -
QuestionHow do you tell if a girl is mad at you through text?Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWKelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
PsychotherapistThat's a little harder to tell if she's not direct, given that it's the body language that shows some subtle signs of anger, like an upset look or a sudden shift in energy. When in doubt, ask. Obviously, do it tactfully. -
QuestionI proposed to the girl I love just two weeks ago and she told me she's thinking about it with a smile. Does that mean yes?
Community AnswerNo, that means she's thinking about it. Don't push her to make a decision before she's ready.
Tips
References
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/female-body-language/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/evolution-the-self/201405/the-rarely-recognized-upside-anger
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202201/5-symptoms-repressed-anger
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/evolution-the-self/201704/3-reasons-why-couples-have-the-same-fights-over-and-over
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_tips_for_reading_emotions_in_text_messages
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/04/what-to-do-when-youve-angered.html
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/pointers-for-couples-to-prevent-resolve-misunderstandings
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_three_parts_of_an_effective_apology
About This Article
Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.
If you’re not sure if a girl is mad at you, try reading her body language for some clues about how she feels. When the 2 of you talk, look for obvious signs of anger, like trembling or a flushed face, as well as more subtle signs, like a clenched jaw or crossed arms. If she’s avoiding eye contact with you, then she might be mad but doesn’t want to verbalize it. Listen to the tone of her voice and take note if she sounds strained, sarcastic, or snaps at you. She might express her anger by avoiding you, so take note when she ignores your calls or answers your texts with short replies. While these clues might help clarify what she’s feeling, the only way you can know for sure is to ask her directly. For more help, like how to find out what you’ve done to make her mad, read on.
Reader Success Stories
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"I am a girl and now that I know this... I'm going to still ignore him. But if I was a boy, I would take this advice and use it on a friend or more than a friend."..." more
