How to Have a Relationship with a Shy Girl

Co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT

Last Updated: October 29, 2024 Approved

Having relationships with shy girls might seem daunting, but their quiet, mysterious nature actually makes them quite special! She might take longer to open up to you or feel comfortable around your friends and family, but if you allow her to take her time, it will be well-worth the effort. Spending lots of quality time with her is key, and you can help her get to know you just by being yourself. Don’t be surprised if you soon find that you’ve met your true love!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Starting the Relationship

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Embrace her quiet. Shy people are often quiet people, especially in the beginning of a new relationship. Don’t worry if she doesn’t seem bubbly or talkative all the time.^{[1]
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- Many shy people are also naturally introverted, which means they enjoy quiet in general.
- They don’t have to talk, be entertained, or have music blasting in order to enjoy your company. They simply like being with you!
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See her shyness as a compliment. Chances are, she REALLY likes you, but shy people often have a hard time expressing those feelings right away.
- Being in a relationship can be a big, hard step for a shy or introverted person who usually prefers to be alone, so take the quiet and her company as huge compliments!
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Take your time building the relationship. Shyness goes away once the shy or introverted person feels more comfortable and open around you. Depending on how much time you spend together, this can take a few weeks or a few months, so just be patient.
- The more time you spend together, the faster her shyness will go away and she will have an easier time talking to you.
- People who are shy, quiet, or introverted also need alone time and tend to be independent, so be sure to give her space if and when she needs it.^{[2]
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- Reader Poll: We asked 799 wikiHow readers, and 48% of them agreed that the best way to help a shy or introverted girl feel more comfortable is by giving her time and space to open up. [Take Poll]
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Plan dates that involve quieter settings. Even after she gets to know you and feel more open with you, your shy girl will probably still feel shy in new, busy environments. She probably won’t enjoy a big party every weekend or want to spend the summer at big music festivals with thousands of people in attendance.^{[3]
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- Try planning several intimate dates that involve just the two of you, like a picnic in a quiet park, a candlelight dinner at home, a trip to a museum, or a walk on a beach.
- You don’t always have to skip out on crowded, action-packed events, just try not to overwhelm her with them all the time.
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Slowly introduce her to your friends and family. If you really like this girl, there’s a good chance you’ll want to introduce her to your loved ones as quickly as possible, and they’ll be anxious to meet her, too. However, for a shy person, meeting family and friends can be scary.^{[4]
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- She’ll have a much easier time with your family and friends once she’s had plenty of time to spend with just you.
- When the time is right, introduce her to your family and friends in small doses. Begin with a quiet dinner with your parents. Then maybe a beach day with one or two of your closest friends. Expand from there.
- Shy people struggle less in social environments when there are less people to focus on at any given time.
- If you feel unsure about timing, just ask her directly if she feels ready to start meeting your loved ones.
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Expect the shyness to reappear periodically. As your relationship progresses and you reach big milestones, like moving in together, getting engaged, or even getting married, she may get shy all over again because the situation will feel new to her.^{[5]
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- For example, if you’ve just moved in together, she might close the bathroom door to shower or brush her teeth, she might listen to music through her headphones, or go outside to talk to her mom.
- This shyness will only last while she adjusts to the new situation. It won’t last forever.
- Don’t take her renewed shyness personally. Moving forward with you means she’s committed.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Getting to Know Her Better

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1
Encourage her to be herself around you. Shy people can be hard to get to know, especially in the beginning. Introverts value their privacy and don’t always realize just how private and shy they come across. Assure her that you admire who she is and want to get to know her at her own pace.
- Stating this out loud will make her directly aware of your desire to get to know her, which will give her the assurance and encouragement she needs to open up to you.
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Explore her interests with her. One of the best ways to get to know a shy or introverted person is spending time with them in their own environment because they feel most at ease there.
- If she rides horses, ask if you join her at the barn one day. If she loves books, take her to a bookstore and go browsing together. If she enjoys hiking, ask her to take you on her favorite trail.
- Being in a familiar environment with someone new helps shy people feel more comfortable socializing, opening up, and showing off their private side.
- Experiencing her interests and hobbies with her also helps you get to know more about her and her life better without her having to try to talk or explain it, which can be hard for a shy or introverted person to do.^{[6]
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Ask her what she’s thinking and feeling, and ask her often. Sometimes shy or introverted people need time to process thoughts, feelings, and events. Always allow her the time to think and process, but don’t be afraid to ask her what she thinks or feels if she leaves you confused or wondering.
- Shy people often have trouble speaking up or initiating a conversation when it comes to stating their thoughts or feelings. By asking directly about them, you give her an easy way to open up.
4
Learn her preferred methods of communication. Shy and introverted people often prefer to communicate by text, social media messaging, or email in between dates because it’s less obtrusive and direct. Phone calls, Facetime, Skype, and unexpected visits can be really hard for them to engage in, at least in the beginning.^{[7]
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- You can ask if she has a way of communication that works best for her or try a few different ways on your own and see what puts her most at ease.
- Try sending letters to each other for an old fashioned, romantic twist on communication.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Helping Her to Get to Know You

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Establish trust in the relationship. Help your shy girl feel secure by letting her know you are serious about a relationship and will be loyal to her. Contrary to what most people think, shyness usually isn't due to a lack of confidence. Many shy people and introverts are quite independent, and they will steer clear of superficial or fickle relationships to maximize their alone time.^{[8]
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- If a shy or introverted girl knows she can trust you, she will be more inclined to pursue a relationship with you. The sooner you make your intentions about the relationship known, the more comfortable and secure you will make her feel.
- If you can promise her a genuine, meaningful, honest relationship, she will want to put forth the time, effort, and attention in getting to know you and nurturing your bond together.
2
Be yourself. Just because she is quiet and shy, it doesn’t mean you have to be. Even if she doesn’t verbally express it, she is just as excited to get to know you as you are to get to know her. Don’t feel like you have to hold back or match her quiet or shy demeanor.^{[9]
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- Shy and introverted people are highly observant and sensitive (in a good way), so the more open you are with her, the easier time she’ll have getting to know you and shaking off her shyness.
Don’t be afraid of the quiet, but if you feel like talking, talk as much as you like. Shy and introverted people appreciate someone else carrying the conversation when they don’t have as much to say. Plus, they are great listeners, so never hesitate to share what’s on your mind.^{[10]
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Share your feelings without adding pressure for reciprocation. Even though it can be hard for shy or introverted people to share their feelings in the beginning, it doesn’t mean that you can’t share yours.
- In fact, knowing how you feel first will help her sort out her thoughts and feelings faster and help her communicate better, when she’s ready.
- Just be sure to express your feelings without expecting her to immediately respond. This can be a hard thing to do, but she’ll appreciate you for it.
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Expose her to your hobbies and interests over time. If you enjoy rock concerts or weekly happy hour with your workmates at the bar down the street, don’t opt out just because you know her to be shy or introverted. ^{[11]
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- Even though she’s shy, it doesn’t mean she won’t want to try to experience your world, so always feel free to invite her to social events and be there by her side when she accepts.
- She’ll have an easier time getting used to a new environment and adapting to your world if you stick close to her, show her the ropes, and offer support if she needs it.
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Explore new environments together. If you’ve always wanted to skydive or take a road trip across the United States, take her with you and share the new experience together.^{[12]
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- Shy and introverted people appreciate intense one-on-one time with the people they care about, and new experiences free of old distractions and acquaintances will help you both bond and learn more about each other.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you get a shy girl to fall in love with you?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Relationship Expert
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Relationship Expert

Expert Answer

Start with small, low-stakes steps. For example, you might start with a coffee date then progress to official dates like movies and dinner. Ask to hold her hand to break the physical barrier, but don't lunge into a kiss right away. If she has been agreeing to go out on low-key dates and holding your hand, then ask for more intimate dates and ask if you can kiss her.

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