How to Get Over a Crush Whose Orientation Doesn't Match Yours

Reviewed by John Keegan

Last Updated: October 4, 2024 References

It's hard. We know. Maybe you're straight and found out (or know) your crush isn't, or maybe you're gay or bi and they're straight, which is a particularly difficult situation. Either way, it's in your best interest to get over it.

1

Acknowledge the situation.

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You already know their orientation doesn't match, but spend a few minutes to really think about what this means. No matter how much you may want to, don't push this information to the back of your mind. It hurts, but it's a pain you'll have to tackle no matter what.

2

Consider taking some time away from them.

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Taking a break can help you move on. There are two possibilities here: the feelings will move on quicker, easier, and with less pain if you allow yourself to just be friends with them, or hanging out with them right now could just deepen the feelings. If hanging out with them only serves as a painful reminder that things can't work out between the two of you, then it's best to reduce that stress by taking a break.^{[1]
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- If you're feeling brave, tell them about your crush, and explain that you need some time away to get over it. Tell them that you still like them and want to hang out once things cool down, so that they know it's not personal.
- Otherwise, make gentle excuses: you're too busy, you have a huge project this month, you've been needed to help out at home more, et cetera. If your crush asks if there's a problem, explain to them there's a lot going on right now, but you want to hang out with them once things get more manageable.

3

Start looking around for new crushes.

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Try to find someone whose orientation matches yours. You may feel like your current crush is the be-all-end-all right now, but they aren't. There are thousands of people nearby who can like you back. It can be very difficult to find someone else who compares in your eyes, but it is a good thing to do, and a healthy possible part of moving on.
- If you aren't straight, try looking for people of compatible orientations at pride events, LGBT+ clubs, dating websites, or gay bars (if you're of drinking age).

4

Try to just be friends.

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You have feelings for this person, and that's okay. Just put them into a different direction than romance. Try building up your friendship with your crush instead of focusing on the fact you like them. ^{[2]
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5

Ask yourself if staying friends is worth it.

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It may be better to move on from the relationship entirely. Decide if being just friends seems like it will work or not. If this person has qualities that you like in a friend, and you believe you can feel happy and comfortable around them, then the friendship is probably worth preserving. Otherwise, it's okay to let go of the relationship and move on.^{[3]
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- If you have a huge crush on this person, hanging out with them but not dating them may feel like torture. Don't put yourself through agony just to keep clinging to an impossible relationship. You deserve better.
- Don't say "Let's be friends" if you aren't actually satisfied with being friends.
- Remember that you don't have to decide right away. During your time away, you can work through your feelings, and then figure it out.

6

Take care of yourself.

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Focus on self-improvement. Use this time to step back and re-evaluate ways you can improve your own life instead of devoting all that mental capital to your crush. You'll find a few distracting tasks to take care of, and you'll be bettering your own situation at the same time.^{[4]
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- Give yourself a mini-makeover. It can be as simple as changing your hairstyle, or buying some new clothes. Make sure it's something that will boost your confidence.
- Get organized. If it's been awhile since you've cleaned out your closet/car/garage/basement, get on it! Sorting through old junk can be a meditative process, and you'll probably feel relaxed and accomplished when you're done.
- Work out. Exercise clears the mind — when you're so focused on pushing your body, you can't afford to worry about much else besides breathing and moving.

7

Nurture your self-esteem.

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Prioritize your mental health. Rejection is rough, and sometimes it's easy to forget that you aren't less of a person for it. Take care of your mental health so that you can feel good about yourself and move on.^{[5]
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- Write two lists: one list of things you're grateful for, and one list of things you're good at (work, hobbies, social skills, etc.). Tape these lists to your wall where you can see them every day.
- Practice positive self-talk.^{[6]
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  Research source} It sounds silly, but it really works. Look at yourself in the mirror a few times a day, and say whatever it is that you need to hear. It might be "You'll find someone better" or "No one is worth all this moping" or even just "I am awesome." Repeat it until you believe it.
- Work on your hobbies and skills. Sing a song, build a birdhouse, beat the tenth level, draw a picture, or whatever you love. Then look at your work and recognize how cool it is.
- Volunteer. Clean up neighborhoods, teach underprivileged children, work at a soup kitchen, or help out online at websites like wikiHow. Doing good work will help you feel proud of yourself.^{[7]
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Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series

Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.

1

Stop Being in Love With a Person You'll Never Meet

2

Effective Ways to Get Over Someone You Love

3

How to Get Over Someone You Can't Have or Never Dated

4

Stop Loving the Girl of Your Dreams

5

Stop Liking Someone

6

Overcome an Infatuation

Community Q&A

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Question

What if my crush has indicated interest in the past, but seems uncomfortable now?

Community Answer

I think he might be unsure about his own sexual orientation; maybe he partially liked it but cannot get over the fact that he might be gay. Maybe he is gay, maybe he is not, or maybe he still doesn't know! Give him time, but don't force yourself on him if he truly isn't interested.

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I have a crush on this guy in my religion class, he seems as straight as a board but I kissed him once in the locker room and he kissed me back, should I ask him out?

Community Answer

If you want to pursue this, you should. Always remember to be respectful, though. If you don't know which orientation he leans towards, you should try asking him. Maybe by hinting towards your shared kiss. IF he is not into your gender, don't pursue it further, you won't change his mind.

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What is the best way for a gay man to get over a crush with his straight, male personal trainer?

Community Answer

I don't want to tell you to find a new trainer, but if it's completely necessary you probably should. Your crush could become unhealthy and it's easier and more realistic to separate yourself than to get over it.

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Tips

Before deciding to get over them, make sure that your information is reliable. Just because their cousin said that they were straight, or they used to date someone of the opposite gender, doesn't mean that they're straight. They could be bisexual, pansexual, heteroflexible, et cetera. Hearsay and guesswork are less reliable than words directly from the person's mouth.

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If you don't want to get over them, you can try hinting or telling them to see if talking it through makes your feelings clearer.

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Warnings

Don't become friends with someone simply in the hopes to date them. It's creepy, and you'll both end up frustrated—you for wasting time trying to woo someone who doesn't want to be wooed, and your crush for being stuck with someone who doesn't appreciate them as a friend. You're better off cutting off the relationship.

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Don't force feelings for anyone! You don't have to have a crush 24/7, and if you don't like anyone at the moment, that's ok.

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