How to Get over Your Lesbian Crush on a Straight Best Friend

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: September 30, 2024

Your best friend is absolutely amazing! And you are in love with her, but even though: she's straight. You're just friends and that's what she wants - a platonic relationship.

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Before you act hastily, this is a good question to think about. Think: if she doesn't already know or sense that you have feelings for her, telling her may make her feel your relationship is "unbalanced." She may feel a burden knowing that you feel something for her that she doesn't return. If she's uncomfortable knowing, it may make your friendship impossible. Another thing you should probably do, is check if she's homophobic, or uncomfortable with homosexuality. You should also take into account whether or not she knows your sexual orientation. So there's a risk involved in making your feelings known to her; consider carefully if you want to take that risk.
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Set boundaries. Making sure you have clear guidelines in place for avoiding "bittersweet moments" will be key to getting over your feelings for your bestie. Having lots of chats about her love life, her feelings, etc., can really melt your heart - you listen to her problems and sigh thinking, "If only she felt that way about me." Does it make you feel more protective of her? Probably. Is it a good idea to have lots of sleepovers while having those "sensitive chats"? Probably not. More contact, more time together, especially in more intimate settings, means more chances that you will not be able to control your feelings. If you lose control, you may lose your friend. Stay in control by setting those boundaries.
- Example: Your Boundary: When you're feeling more for her, you will try to put a little space between you. The Situation: She invites you to sleep over, but you realize that lately you're struggling to keep your feelings of jealousy and longing under control. Instead of automatically agreeing to the sleepover, tell her that you can't this time (you don't even need to give a reason, but if pressed, just say your mom has laid down the law and wants you home this weekend), but that you'll do it soon. This way, you're not saying you will never sleep over, you're just giving yourself a chance to tone your feelings down.
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Spend time with other friends! It's hard to get over someone when she is the only person you ever hang out with! Spread your time among others - chances are you've neglected your other friends since you and your bestie have been spending so much (too much, maybe?) time together (and maybe you have some apologizing to do...).
- Connect with people who share your values. It helps make good friendships.^{[1]
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- See if they have the qualities you respect, such as being thoughtful, supportive, kind, funny, or honest.^{[2]
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- Engage in activities you enjoy doing and start conversations with people you meet while doing those activities.^{[3]
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Pick something that you and your best friend haven't done together, and that she doesn't do by herself. Pick something completely untouched by her, and try to keep it that way. (But don't push her away from it if she asks... just don't invite her if she does!) It will be good for you to do something that doesn't remind you of her (most likely, everything else will). Maybe you want to try to listen to a new type of music or try out a new restaurant.
Trying new things, meeting new people, and moving ahead with life does not mean you stop being the person you have always been. Don't do things simply because your bestie doesn't do them - when trying new things, pick things that you genuinely do enjoy and/or are open to!
It can be a real ego-killer trying to subconsciously impress a girl that you know you can never be with. Go work out! Go after that goal of yours that has been on the back burner for so long! Volunteer at a local food bank or homeless shelter, or at Habitat for Humanity! Feel good about yourself! Really, exercise will do you wonders! Not only will you look better, feel better, but you can finally fall asleep without spending hours of obsessing over your crush.
Just because you are getting over your crush on her does NOT mean you should stop loving your best friend. Love comes in many forms. Remember that just because your best friend might not feel the same way about you romantically, it does not mean that she doesn't care for you at all! Not only is she your best friend, but you are hers. Cherish the fact and be glad for what you do have.
You will need to rejoice when she rejoices... even if that's upon her finding her true love. Resist the temptation to spend all your time with her moping because she's found someone to love. Don't try to sabotage or talk trash about him. These things will only drive a wedge between you. If you need some space, simply take it by being less available. Don't say things like, "It's just too hard for me to see you with him." ... Awkward.
And also know that things get better in the end. Be grateful you have such an amazing best friend though! (Really though, SHE is awfully lucky, too -you are amazing for going through such hardship for her!)
You know what the best thing is about forgetting about the girl you can never be with? It is you giving! Give of yourself - try to make someone else happy. Stop thinking so much about what you are (or aren't) getting, and think about what you can give. Go volunteer, get a pet, take care of something! Invest in something that needs you! There are so many causes/projects/people out there that need you - need you. Go find one!

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Should I tell them about how I feel?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

If honesty is something that is important to you, then you could confess your feelings to your straight best friend. Truthfulness allows a person to be authentic and not fake in a relationship. This is very important for a close emotional bond. Keeping your emotions secret puts up a wall that can work to prevent real closeness, even on an entirely emotional level. You should approach this conversation with no expectations, though, understanding that your friend may not feel the same way. On the other hand, by being honest, you respect both yourself and your friend's right to know the truth, even if you are not sure of the outcome. This will form the basis of a very true friendship through your openness and trust.

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Why can't I get over a crush?

Mary Church, PhD
Research & Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Mary Church is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Honolulu, Hawaii. With over a decade of clinical experience, she aims to integrate evolution, genetics, and neuroscience within the practice of psychotherapy. Dr. Church holds a BS in Psychology from Eckerd College and an MS and PhD in Experimental Psychology from The University of Memphis. She completed a Post-Doctorate in Clinical Psychology at The University of Hawaii at Manoa. In addition, Dr. Church is a member of the American Evaluation Association and Hawaii-Pacific Evaluation Association.

Mary Church, PhD

Research & Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It's hard, but you will get over it someday. Know that everything in life is temporary and try to grow from loss. It's really helpful to remember that life is full of loss and to frame your situation as grieving. Recognize the various stages of grieving in your situation and then fully process them accordingly, giving them meaning.

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Question

I like my best friend. I told her once when we were drinking, and I got drunk. Before that we kissed. We act like a couple. What does that mean?

Owl511

Community Answer

It might mean that she's bi-curious or experimenting with her sexuality, but it's also very likely that she's only using you for fun or her own purposes. Make sure you're being respected in the relationship. You can ask her straight out if she's really interested in a relationship or just being playful, in which case that's a bit of an issue.

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Tips

Good possible "boundaries" include: (a) not getting drunk/high with each other, (b) increasing physical space... for example, stay away from sharing dressing rooms, bathrooms, etc., anywhere that might make you feel even more attracted to her, like sharing beds, (c) only staying at her apartment/house/room/etc. as late as (insert time here) like 11 PM. No sleepovers! You will only desire her more!

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Remember its OK to like them still because if you do not still like them then they might start to get concerned you just are done being friends.

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Warnings

Be careful not to spend so much time with her. It will be hard to get over wanting to date her, when you practically are dating her! How often do you hang out with your other friends... the ones you are not attracted to? Try to spend the same quality/quantity of time with your best friend. Besides, she might think you are much too clingy and get annoyed/creeped out.

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Remember your life outside of this friendship. Do not neglect other aspects of your life, because when your best friend lets you down (it happens), you will have nowhere else to turn. You will go home to a bed of failure and see that all other areas of your life have gone to complete shambles because you invested so much in this one friendship. She is great - but that doesn't mean you have to throw everything away! Take care of yourself, and your life!! The things you don't notice when you're enamored might be the things that later ruin your friendship.

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Be careful that you do not try to find a "replacement" for your best friend! If your best friend is blonde-haired, blue-eyed and loves carving cheese animals, do not try to find someone else who is the same! You're likely to succeed! Finding a clone is not moving on. The reality is that if you try to find a "twin" of your best friend, you will simply make comparisons between the two. That's not fair to the new girl, and it will end badly.

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Limit how much you give compliments, say "I love you," hug, etc. You may not realize it, but you might be going overboard and she (and others) will see what you don't. Save yourself the discomfort and possible embarrassment.

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Be sure that if you do tell your straight best friend that you have a crush on her, that it is for the right reasons! Do not try to trick yourself (and her) into thinking that by "getting it out there," maybe you'll have a chance with her. That she will suddenly realize she has loved you all along. Yeah. 99% chance that you are setting yourself up for a big letdown.

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Even though you love your best friend, she considers you just "a friend." Therefore, do not be surprised/angry/frustrated when/if she doesn't seem to appreciate how hard watching/listening to/hearing/doing some things are for you.

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Know that you are in for one heck of a ride. This is a huge emotional minefield (roller coaster is too much of a euphemism). One step you think you're okay, the next bam! Your heart is broken. Be prepared. Ask yourself if it is best that the friendship even exist. Are you both ready for it? Is it worth it?

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Don't get depressed! Remember that thing called laughter? Seriously, the world is much bigger (no, she's not it), and if you can laugh at yourself, you will be so much happier! It is easy to brood when this is all you think about! There is so much more to who you are and what you do and why you do things!

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