How to Get Your Friend to Leave His Girlfriend

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: January 18, 2024 References

Got a friend whose girlfriend is clearly a bad match for him? We have tips on how to bring up your concerns—and how to know when to back off.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Thinking it Through

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1
Reflect deeply. Take some time for deep reflection about why you want to encourage your friend to leave his girlfriend. You need to have incredibly good reasons for wanting this.
- Who your friends date is a choice for your friends to make, not you. However much you may dislike someone a friend chooses to date, in most cases, you shouldn't interfere. So, think deeply about what is motivating you.
- Is it jealousy? If this is the case then you need to address this with yourself. This is not a good reason to encourage a breakup. Likewise, attraction you may feel toward him or his girlfriend is never a good reason to promote a breakup.
- Is it because you honestly believe this girlfriend is bad for your friend? There is such a thing as a bad relationship. If your friend's girlfriend is engaging in behaviors such as dangerous drug use, cheating, treating your friend as an inferior, or verbally or physically abusing him, these might be reasons to get involved.^{[1]
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Consider the consequences. Be aware that you will be hurting someone you care about if you bring this up. Remind yourself that the world doesn't revolve around you.
- Consider what could happen if your friend does break up with his girlfriend because of your interference. Is your friend going to appreciate this meddling? Is the friendship going to withstand this revelation of yours that the two are unsuited?
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If you decide you need to intervene, think carefully about what you want to say. This is a very delicate situation, so you should choose your words carefully.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking to your Friend

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Let your friend know you'd like a private chat about something important and personal. This will ensure that the two of you can talk without his girlfriend's presence.
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Discuss your concerns. Stick the facts and tell your friend, honestly and compassionately, why you are concerned about the relationship. Examples of things you might raise include:
- That you have seen his girlfriend with another lover during the time your friend and she have been dating. Be sure you know what you saw and that she's not just catching up with friends she's very close to.
- You've had to listen to her put your friend down or treat him as lesser than her.
- You've seen her taking drugs and you know your friend doesn't like this habit. Remember, she may need help, not ostracizing. Be compassionate.
- You've observed her abusing your friend, either emotionally or physically.
- Don't force the conversation. It might be hard for your friend to talk about it.^{[2]
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- Do your best to keep the conversation friendly. Since your friend may not recognize he's in a bad relationship, being preachy might not work.^{[3]
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Don't tell your friend to break up. Once you have shared your concerns with your friend, it is up to him to decide what to do with the information.
- This is not a good time to share your judgements about the girlfriend's character, personality, or other traits. Your judgements will probably be unwelcome. Tell your friend how great he is, not how terrible you think his girlfriend is.^{[4]
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- It is fine to express feelings of concern for your friend, and to let him know you are there for him in this difficult time. However, unless you have real concerns for his safety (the kind that would lead you to call the police), your intervention should stop here.^{[5]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Filling the Void

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Spend time with your friend. If your friend breaks up with his girlfriend as a result of what you've shared with him, be there for your friend after the breakup. Spend time together and listen to his troubles on his own terms.^{[7]
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- Encourage your friend to talk, and listen patiently. Be aware that he may experience sadness, anger, and a variety of other chaotically changing moods as he works through his feelings.
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Keep your judgements out of the conversation. Even after your friend decides to break up with his girlfriend, it is best to avoid excessive criticism of her, or to give him advice about what to do or how to feel.
- What your friend needs now is someone who will listen as he processes his feelings. He will probably be dealing with conflicting and difficult feelings about his ex, and your judgements may only make matters worse.
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Provide healthy distractions. Encourage your friend to engage in activities that will help take his mind off of his ex.
- Take your friend to a movie, a play or concert. Go on a hike or camping trip. Go shopping. Play video games. Whatever your friend enjoys, take some time to do it with him.
- Discourage excessive use of drugs or alcohol during this time. These may temporarily dull the pain, but may make matters worse in the long run.
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Suggest counseling. The feelings that result from a difficult breakup are often best dealt with by a mental health professional. This is doubly so if your friend has been mentally, emotionally, or physically abused.^{[8]
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- If your friend doesn't seem to be healing or can't find any joy in life, even after some time has passed, offer to help him find a therapist.

Community Q&A

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Question

There is a boy I like, but he has a girlfriend he has only known for two weeks, while on the other hand I have known him for two years. He knows I like him. How do I break them up?

Community Answer

Put yourself in this boy's shoes for a moment: imagine that you've known a guy for a few years, and when he told you that he likes you, you knew with certainty you didn't like him back, so you turned him down. Later, you meet someone that you click with right away and really like, and you decide to go out with that person - only for the guy to get upset, say that he's known you longer than your partner, and that you know he likes you, so therefore he should be with you instead. Wouldn't you feel creeped out or even threatened by this guy for trying to interfere with your relationship despite knowing nothing about it, and for feeling entitled to you based on how only he feels, even though he knows you don't like him back? Instead of trying to split them up, focus on getting over your crush and taking some distance from him. It isn't easy, and being heartbroken or jealous hurts, but he's already taken, and this is your signal to move on.

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Tips

Be careful with the words you choose. Don't say something like "screw the girl, you don't need her." This shows very little respect for your friend.

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Don't try to end your friend's relationship just because he's not spending "enough" time with you. This is selfish.

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Make sure that you ask their opinion without being too forceful. This includes using guilt-trips as these make friends feel degraded.

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Warnings

Trying to convince your friend to break up with his girlfriend may ruin your friendship. It may also push your friend and his girlfriend closer together as they unite against what they see as outside interference. You should only get involved if you are genuinely worried about the effect this relationship is having on your friend. Accept that this situation is not under your control.^{[9]
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