The Best Ways to Get to Know Someone on a Deeper Level

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Beneath the small talk are big topics that show you care

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: March 1, 2024 Fact Checked

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• Building a Connection
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• Questions to Ask
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• Video

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If you've ever met someone and thought, "They seem really cool—I wish they were my best friend," then you've come to the right place. Any kind of relationship, even a friendship, can take some time to fully develop. With patience, you'll get to know each other better and discover more and more things you have in common. Take your new friendships deeper with these tips and tricks. Stuck on how to start that first conversation? We've got some great conversation starters for you as well.

Things You Should Know

• Start a conversation and ask plenty of open-ended questions so you can learn more about them.
• Share your thoughts and feelings to show them that it's safe to be vulnerable with you. Listen and show empathy when they share things about themselves.
• Make plans to meet up again soon based on your common interests. Keep in touch through text or social media in between meet-ups.

Steps

Section 1 of 2:

Building a Connection

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1. 1
   Ask about things you're interested in. Focus on open-ended questions that expand the conversation. This type of question doesn't have a one-word answer but instead requires the person to discuss something in more depth. As they talk, you'll learn things about them as well as find new things to ask them further about.

   • When you're first getting to know someone, it's usually best to stay away from controversial or overly personal questions, but this depends on the context. For example, politics is usually not a great opening topic, but it might be fine if you met someone at a political rally or community organizing event.
   • If you're not sure how the person feels about whatever you want to ask about, you can start by asking them if they're interested in the topic. For example, you might say, "Hey, how do you feel about dinosaurs? I think it's a shame that now that we're adults no one ever asks what our favorite dinosaur is anymore."
2. 2
   Listen actively to stay engaged. When you listen actively, the person knows that you're paying attention and you're interested in what they have to say. Show that you're listening by making periodic eye contact, turning towards them, and nodding or making affirmative noises occasionally.

   • When the person's finished what they have to say, it can be helpful to summarize it in your own words. That shows them that you were listening and also gives them an opportunity to correct anything you might've misunderstood.
   • Make some comment about what the person said before you dive in with whatever you want to say or ask another question. For example, you might say, "It sounds like you really like working at the animal shelter—that's awesome! I always had dogs growing up. Do you have any pets right now?"
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3. 3
   Pay attention to how the person responds. Body language and other cues help you understand their level of interest in the topic. This is important information if you're trying to get to know someone better or decide if they'd make a good friend. If they seem disinterested or uncomfortable with something you've brought up, it's usually best to simply transition to another topic without drawing attention to it.

   • For example, if they don't seem comfortable talking about their family, you might turn the focus instead to the place where they mentioned growing up. You could say something like, "Did you say you grew up in Atlanta? What a coincidence—my sister just moved there. Where was your favorite place to go in the city?"
   • While you do want to keep things light, it's always possible that you might hit a nerve. If you've asked about something that's made the person seem more deeply troubled, apologize and show empathy. For example, you might say, "Oh, you seem upset by that topic. I'm so sorry, I'll remember to avoid it in the future. Would you like something to drink?"
4. 4
   Express your admiration with genuine compliments. A warm compliment will make them feel good about themselves and also give them an opening to mention something they like about you. Research shows people tend to underestimate the effects of both giving and receiving compliments. Just keep what you say authentic and genuine and don't overdo it!

   • For example, if the person is talking about a recent accomplishment, you might say, "Congratulations! I really admire how you stuck with it. I'm sure you had to overcome some hurdles to get to that point."
   • A compliment is also a great way to start a conversation if you're not sure about an opener. For example, you might say, "Wow, I love your scarf! It looks so warm and cozy. Is there a story behind it?"
5. 5
   Empathize when they share their feelings. Let them know that you understand where they're coming from. Especially when you're just getting to know someone, they likely aren't looking for advice or assistance. Instead, they just want to connect with you a little and know that they're not alone or weird for feeling the way they do.

   • For example, if they mention that they've been having car trouble recently, you might say, "That sounds so frustrating. I hope you find out what the problem is soon so you can put this behind you."
   • If they've shared that their nephew's 5th birthday is coming up, you might say, "Oh, you must be so excited. Birthdays are so much fun when you're that age. Is he going to have a big party?"
6. 6
   Share your own thoughts and feelings with them. Build trust by allowing yourself to be vulnerable around them. This shows them that you feel safe around them and will likely help them to feel safe around you as well. When you both feel comfortable letting your guard down with each other, you know you have the potential for a close friendship.

   • Keep in mind that this sharing is a two-way street. Avoid getting too personal too quickly or you could make them uncomfortable.
   • Telling a favorite story of something that happened to you in the past is a great way to share your thoughts and feelings without getting too personal.
   • It's also great to let them know your intentions! If you want to get closer to them, you might say something like, "It's been really great getting to know you and I'd love to get to know you better."
7. 7
   Keep your exchanges minimal at first. They'll be more open to friendship if you give them space. Remember that they're getting to know you too and you don't want to come on too strong. Giving them a little space also shows that you respect them, and respect goes a long way in establishing a close friendship.

   • Keep in mind that just like romantic dating, friendships don't always work out. If the person you're trying to get to know seems uninterested in getting closer to you, try not to take it personally.
   • When you're first getting to know someone, it's often a good idea to save texts for when you're finalizing plans to meet somewhere in person. As long as you're both local, it's usually preferable to get to know someone face-to-face.
8. 8
   Follow up on things they mention in conversation. This is a great way to keep in touch with a new friend between meet-ups and also shows them that you were paying attention and care about what they said. It can also potentially give you ideas for your next meet-up with the person!

   • For example, if your new friend mentioned they were anxious about a performance review next week, you could follow up and ask how it went. Depending on their answer, you might ask them out (either to celebrate or to cry on your shoulder).
   • If your new friend mentioned that they have to take their dog to the vet, you might text them after the appointment and ask them how it went. It will mean a lot that you remembered to check up on their beloved pet.
9. 9
   Put effort into making plans with them. Choose outings based on things they've brought up in conversation. This makes it easier to keep building your connection. To start, think about things that the two of you can do pretty much any time so scheduling conflicts won't be a problem.

   • For example, if the person mentions that they like Ethiopian food, you might say, "Hey, a new Ethiopian restaurant just opened in my neighborhood and I've been meaning to try it. Would you want to grab lunch or dinner there with me sometime next week?"
   • You can use social media for this too! For example, if the two of you are connected on social media and they've expressed interest in an upcoming event, you might message them and ask if they want to go with you.
   • If you've already got something planned, you might also invite them along. For example, if you're talking about art, you might say, "I was planning on going to a museum opening on Thursday. Would you want to come with me?"
10. 10
    Allow the relationship to develop gradually. Studies show that it can take around 100 hours over the course of 3 months to develop a friendship, so don't rush it! Keep in contact with the person through text or social media and try to hang out with them at least once every week or two.

    • It can help if you come up with something for both of you to do together on a regular basis. For example, if you both enjoy playing pickleball, you might join a local league. Then you have built-in hangouts.
    • If you both like to read, you might consider starting your own private book club and reading the same books, then meeting over coffee or drinks to discuss.
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Section 2 of 2:

Questions to Ask

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1. 1
   Likes and preferences If you're looking for basic opening questions, asking about someone's favorite things is always a great place to start. People love talking about the things they love, so you know you're in safe territory asking one of these questions:

   • "What was your favorite food when you were a kid?"
   • "What's your favorite band to listen to when you're doing chores?" (You could use any other activity, such as working out, cooking, or driving.)
   • "What's your favorite smell?"
   • "What's your favorite holiday?"
   • "What's your favorite animal?"
2. 2
   Work or school People tend to spend most of their time at work (or at school, if they're a full-time student). Asking questions about these things tells the person that you're interested in knowing more about what they do. For example, you might ask:

   • "What's the most exciting thing you've worked on lately?"
   • "What's the best part about your job?" (If they're still in school, you might ask them about their favorite class, or what they think is the best part about being a student.)
   • "What's the most interesting thing you've learned recently?"
   • "What first got you interested in the industry you work in?" (If they're still in school, you might ask them what initially attracted them to their major, or to their school.)
   • "Are you more productive in the morning or in the afternoon?"
3. 3
   Family and personal history Asking about someone's family or past can sometimes be a minefield, so tread carefully here and try to keep things light. While these questions can be a bit personal, they can help you better understand what makes someone tick. Here are some good options:

   • "What's the best gift you've ever received?" (You could also ask about the best gift they've ever given.)
   • "What do you miss most about being a kid?"
   • "Do you see your family often?"
   • "When you were a kid, what did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?"
   • "What was the first thing you ever bought with your own money?"
4. 4
   Values Asking about the person's values helps you better understand who they are as a person. Their values clue you in on who they are as a person and also give you a little insight into whether the two of you will click well. Here are some you can try:

   • "What's the worst advice you've ever received?"
   • "What do you do when you need a mental boost?"
   • "What's your favorite thing to learn about?"
   • "What inspires you or gives you hope for the future?"
   • "Who was your role model growing up?"
5. 5
   Goals and dreams When you give someone an opening to talk about their dreams and goals for the future, you put them in a positive and hopeful place. Plus, having a better understanding of what someone's shooting for definitely allows you to get to know them better. Try one of these:

   • "Do you want to be famous? For what?"
   • "What would you wish for if a genie granted you three wishes?"
   • "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
   • "What are you most passionate about?"
   • "If you could live anywhere in the world, where would that be?"
6. 6
   Oddball questions If you're not afraid to stick your neck out a little, these questions can lead to some really fun conversations. If you're not sure how to transition into your question, you can just say something like, "Hey, I know this seems random, but...." Here are some off-the-wall questions you can try:

   • "What's your favorite dinosaur?"
   • "Who was your first celebrity crush?"
   • "What's your go-to karaoke song?"
   • "Do you put the right or left leg of your pants on first?"
   • "What's your prep plan for the zombie apocalypse?"
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