How To Initiate a Friends with Benefits (FWB) Relationship

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Expert tips to keep your FWB drama-free
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If you don't necessarily want a committed relationship but would like to have sex on a regular basis, a friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationship might be just the thing you're looking for! But how do you get something so awesome started? Read on for expert tips from dating coach John Keegan and licensed clinical psychologist Supatra Tovar so you can have a successful and satisfying friends-with-benefits relationship.

Initiating Friends with Benefits

If you've got your eye on someone for a FWB relationship, flirt with them a bit to get a feel for your chemistry. Express your interest in casual sex and FWB situations to see how they react. If they react positively, initiate sex with them and ask them afterward if they're interested in a FWB relationship with you.

Section 1 of 4:

Picking Someone

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  1. Step 1 Availability
    When you think about availability here, you're not just thinking in terms of whether the person is in a committed relationship. Not everyone can separate emotions and sex—and not everyone wants to. You want a friend who is down for a casual, sexual relationship and won't expect it to eventually develop into something more.
  2. Step 2 Proximity
    Trying to start a FWB relationship with a really close friend isn't the best idea. You're already emotionally intimate with them and have a strong connection that it can be easy to confuse with romance. Instead, look for someone who you know of but don't necessarily know super well. That'll make it easier to avoid getting emotionally entangled.
    • Think in terms of people you might always see when you're out with a large group of friends but have never hung out with one on one.
    • A friend of a friend can work too. Spread the word that you're looking and who knows, your BFF might introduce you to her cute coworker.
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  3. Step 3 Physical attraction
    You're looking for someone to hook up with, so don't be afraid to let looks take the front seat here. They're already a friend—go for somebody you'll have fun enjoying those benefits with.
    • If you want to have a lot of fun, you might go for someone who you know wouldn't be a good match for you date-wise.
    • For example, if you're a free-spirited artist, you might go for a FWB relationship with a friend who has an MBA and works in finance.
  4. Step 4 Emotional maturity
    When you're looking for a friend with benefits, you're looking for someone who can handle themselves and won't catch feelings after the first evening you spend between the sheets. Someone who has a reputation for being clingy, or who has harbored a crush on you (even in the distant past) might not be the best choice for a friend with benefits. It's too likely that their feelings will get in the way.[2]
    • A FWB relationship necessarily involves a lot of gray areas and if one of you isn't equipped to handle those areas, things could potentially turn sour.[3]
  5. Step 5 Sexual experience
    Since this is a sexual relationship, the ideal FWB has had at least a few sexual partners and has a sex-positive attitude. If you find someone without a lot of sexual hangups who's down to experiment, you can have a lot of fun and learn a lot about yourself sexually in the process.
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Section 2 of 4:

Hooking Up

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  1. Step 1 Flirt with the person you're interested in.
    There's nothing like a little casual flirtation to help someone understand that you might be interested in doing something a bit less platonic. Pay attention to how receptive they are when you flirt with them—that'll help you figure out if they might be interested in hooking up.[6]
    • If they don't seem to pick up on your flirting, it might be because they just don't think of you in that way. If you still want to try something with them, you might have to be more direct.
  2. Step 2 Turn a conversation toward the topic of sex.
    There's no way you can know how open somebody is to casual sex unless you talk about it. If they're open and willing to talk about sex casually, chances are they're equally down to have casual sex as well. You can also use this conversation to get a general idea of their experience and what they enjoy in bed.[7]
    • Talking about fantasies can be a great way to set the mood as well. If both of you are already thinking about sex, it won't take much to get things moving in that direction.
  3. Step 3 Set the stage for something sexy to happen.
    Since you're the one initiating things, you're the one who's probably going to have to make the first move. If you're not used to initiating sexual encounters, you might feel awkward but try not to overthink it. Once you get the ball rolling, neither of you will be thinking about how it started.
    • Don't worry about planning some big seduction if that's not your style. You could just casually mention that you'd be down if they were interested and see how they respond.
    • For example, you might ask them for a ride back to your place, then convince them to come up for a drink.
  4. Step 4 Keep things casual and don't spend the night.
    While sleeping together might be a euphemism for having sex, actually sleeping together is a bit too intimate if you're planning on making this a regular thing. When you hook up, make sure it's not too late and whoever's visiting has a safe way to get home.
    • The other thing about not spending the night is not dealing with the morning, which can be super awkward if you're not trying to build a romantic connection.
  5. Step 5 Text the person the next day and propose a FWB arrangement.
    Keep things positive, fun, and light-hearted. Let them know that you had a great time and that you'd like to do it on a more regular basis. Hopefully, they had just as much fun as you did and are totally interested in going there again.[8]
    • For example, you might say, "Hey, I had a really great time last night... how wild would it be if we made that a regular thing, like friends with benefits?"
    • If they're not interested in starting a FWB thing, keeping your tone light gives them an easy way to back out without feeling like they're rejecting you.
    • You might stress that you're not interested in dating or starting a romantic relationship. This can be especially helpful if the two of you have talked about this topic before.
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Section 3 of 4:

Navigating a FWB Dynamic

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  1. Step 1 Set relationship ground rules.
    At some point, maybe the next time the two of you are hanging out after you've agreed to start a FWB relationship, take a few minutes to talk about the rules you want to have. While you'll likely have things come up as you go along, if there's anything on your mind from the outset, it's best to get it out there before it becomes a problem.[9]
    • For example, the two of you might decide that even though you're "just" friends with benefits, you don't actually want to be involved with anyone else sexually. While it might seem weird to be monogamous friends with benefits, it's increasingly common among people who want a regular sexual partner without emotional strings attached..[10]
    • Keegan emphasizes that "the rules are between the two of you." He would encourage you to remember that "the key word is 'relationship.' And there are so many ways and so many kinds of relationships that we can have."[11]
    • Keegan notes as an example that even though you decide that you're both free to date, you might agree not to date each other's exes or mutual friends, something like that.[12]
  2. Step 2 Mention any sexual boundaries or limits you might have.
    Since this is primarily a sexual relationship, be totally open about what you like and don't like sexually and what you want to try. Don't forget fantasies—the no-strings nature of the relationship can present an opportunity to try things that would be awkward with a romantic partner.
  3. Step 3 Hook up with each other on a casual basis.
    Now it's time to enjoy all of those benefits! Take care not to make your hook-ups too regular—seeing too much of each other can cause you to get too emotionally attached. Instead, aim for sporadic, seemingly random hook-ups interspersed with your normal friend things.
    • You might be casual about your attachment to each other, but don't be casual about your protection against pregnancy and STIs. Get tested regularly and keep an open dialogue with each other about safer sex.
    • Keegan notes that at a minimum, you want to make sure "that you are using protection and being safe and not bringing STDs over to each other."[15]
  4. Step 4 Focus on physical over emotional connection.
    In a FWB relationship, you have to learn to keep your feelings to yourself. Talk about the things you like about what your friend does or how they look rather than any emotional support they might offer. While it stands to reason that you'll have at least some emotional connection with a friend, the aim is to keep that from bleeding into romance territory.[16]
    • While friends do tend to lean on each other for emotional support, too much of that with a friend with benefits can make the whole situation feel more like a romance. This is the main reason it's best to choose someone who you aren't super close to already.
    • Respect each other's boundaries, especially when it comes to emotional attachment.
  5. Step 5 Check in with each other regularly on the state of your relationship.
    Keeping your emotions in check can be tough in these kinds of arrangements, especially if you were previously pretty close to the person you started hooking up with. Talking things out can give you the reassurance you need that the two of you are on the same page and care about each other's wellbeing.[17]
  6. Step 6 Let the relationship go after a couple of months.
    FWB relationships are temporary by their very nature. When things continue for longer, it becomes much more likely that the relationship will end badly and somebody will end up getting hurt. If you're having regular check-ins, you'll probably be able to get a sense for when it's time to let the "benefits" part of your relationship go.
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Section 4 of 4:

Frequently Asked Questions About FWB Relationships

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  1. Step 1 What is a friends-with-benefits relationship?
    A friends-with-benefits relationship involves having sex with someone you have a platonic relationship with. Since most people also consider their romantic partners to be friends, it can be hard to draw the line—but the key difference is the level of commitment you have for each other.[21]
    • For example, you wouldn't feel as though you had to consult your FWB before you took your family up on a free weekend trip to the mountains. But if they were your romantic partner, you'd likely want to talk to them before you accepted the invitation.
  2. Step 2 How long do FWB relationships usually last?
    Most FWB relationships tend to last a month or two and kind of taper off on their own and just kind of fizzle out. The casual nature of the whole affair means that people involved in these dynamics don't tend to have much invested in keeping them going.[22]
    • The vast majority of FWB relationships either end or change into something else after a year, so don't go into this expecting it to be a long-term thing.
    • Typically, FWB relationships are designed to be transitional in some way. For example, if you're getting over a recent breakup, you might use a FWB relationship to reconnect with your sexuality while you're still healing emotionally.
  3. Step 3 What happens if one of the friends catches feelings for the other?
    Having sex with someone churns up a lot of feel-good hormones in your brain that feel a lot like falling in love. Despite your best intentions, sometimes one of you catches feelings while the other doesn't. What specifically happens depends on the two of you but it's usually pretty awkward and uncomfortable at best.
    • If you're the one with the feelings, try going "no contact" with your friend for a couple of weeks. That will usually be long enough for those feelings to subside.
    • If your FWB has caught feelings for you, suggest that the two of you take a break for a little while. That will give them time to calm down a little.
  4. Step 4 Can FWB relationships turn into dating relationships?
    They can, although it's perhaps not as common as popular culture would suggest. The FWB-turned-life partner might be a rom-com trope, but most FWB relationships fizzle before they evolve into a deeper connection.[23]
    • Sometimes, FWBs can do dating-type things together while still insisting that they're just friends. That can lead to "situationship" type confusion due to mixed signals about what kind of relationship this is.
  5. Step 5 What's the difference between FWB and a situationship?
    A situationship is something that's partly like a romantic relationship and partly like a friendship. Keegan explains that unlike a FWB relationship, in a situationship you have "some intimacy with that person or [feel] a deep connection in some way."[24]
    • While this isn't always the case, a FWB relationship can turn into a situationship if one of you catches feelings for the other and doesn't say anything about it.
    • A situationship can also develop if both of you have feelings for each other but aren't ready to be in a full-fledged romantic relationship. For example, you might've both recently had bad breakups.
    • Setting firm boundaries in your FWB relationship can keep it from drifting into a situationship.[25]
  6. Step 6 How can you tell when an FWB relationship has run its course?
    One of the best ways to tell if a FWB relationship has run its course is if it starts to feel like work. If you have to make an effort to hook up with your FWB, or if you find the time between hookups expanding, it's probably time to just let it fade.
    • Often, a FWB relationship will just sort of fade out on its own once the two of you get involved with something else that starts taking up more of your time. This tends to happen if the relationship started in a transitional time, such as when one of you is recovering from a breakup.
    • Sometimes your situation provides a convenient endpoint for a FWB relationship. For example, you might have a FWB while you're at school and just cut it off when the two of you leave for the summer.
    • Regular check-ins can help you figure out when things are starting to fizzle out so the two of you can just end things before they get awkward.
  7. Step 7 Can friends with benefits go back to being just friends?
    It's totally possible for FWBs to go back to being friends if the relationship runs its course in a natural way without a lot of fireworks. It might take some time before you can hang out together as friends before thinking about sex, but it'll happen.[26]
    • Even if your FWB relationship ended on a pretty sour note with hard feelings, there's still a chance you can find your way back to being friends after enough time has passed.
    • Studies show that at least a quarter of the time, FWBs go back to being friends within a year.[27]
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Conversation Help

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Is it possible to just be friends with benefits?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    Possibly, but it's important to check-in with your partner regardless. Sex between friends can seem harmless, but it can sometimes lead to strong feelings. Find time to check in with each other on a regular basis and see how the relationship is progressing. Staying friends no matter what should be the top priority!
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 8 Helpful 24
  • Question
    How do you stay detached in a FWB?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    Make a proposal and define the terms of your relationship. It's really important to communicate exactly what your hopes and expectations are. How often will see each other? What are the expectations in the friendship and with the sexual relationship? Can you see other people at the same time? How can you ensure everyone's safety from STDs, if so? Getting as specific as possible helps eliminate confusion, mixed signals, and potential problems in the future.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
     Thank you for your feedback.
     If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 6 Helpful 17
  • Question
    What are some good ground rules for a friends with benefits situation?
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    Staff Answer
    This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    Staff Answer
    Different FWB find that different things work for them, so sit down with your friend and make a list of things you can both agree to. For example, you might make it a rule not to cuddle or not to hook up more than a certain number of nights in a row. Whatever you decide on, the most important rules are to communicate clearly and honestly and respect each other’s boundaries.
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Tips

Tips from our Readers

  • Don't think it over too much, it's meant to be fun! Friends with benefits are a good way to practice your "moves" if you're not as practiced. Don't be afraid to ask them for advice or to show you new things.
  • Be the best version of yourself. Find a friend who will respect and communicate with you, and just have some fun.
  • Avoid situations where your friends with benefits would ever meet each other so you can avoid awkward encounters.
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References

  1. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
  2. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/how-do-i-navigate-friends-benefits-relationship
  3. ↑ https://www.theestablished.com/community/identity/what-happens-to-friendships-once-the-benefits-disappear
  4. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
  5. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
  6. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/how-do-i-navigate-friends-benefits-relationship
  7. ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/how-do-i-navigate-friends-benefits-relationship
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-communication/202203/6-rules-being-friends-benefits
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201502/what-it-really-means-be-friends-benefits
  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-communication/202203/6-rules-being-friends-benefits
  2. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.
  3. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-communication/202203/6-rules-being-friends-benefits
  5. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
  6. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-communication/202203/6-rules-being-friends-benefits
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201502/what-it-really-means-be-friends-benefits
  9. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.
  10. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
  11. ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
  12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202305/3-ways-to-crack-the-friends-with-benefits-code
  13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202306/what-happens-to-friends-with-benefits-over-time
  14. ↑ https://www.theestablished.com/community/identity/what-happens-to-friendships-once-the-benefits-disappear
  15. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 14 December 2022.
  16. ↑ https://www.theestablished.com/community/identity/what-happens-to-friendships-once-the-benefits-disappear
  17. ↑ https://www.theestablished.com/community/identity/what-happens-to-friendships-once-the-benefits-disappear
  18. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202306/what-happens-to-friends-with-benefits-over-time

About This Article

John Keegan
Co-authored by:
John Keegan
Relationships Coach
This article was co-authored by John Keegan and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 2,367,160 times.
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Co-authors: 65
Updated: October 2, 2024
Views: 2,367,160
Categories: Forming Friendships
Article SummaryX

To start a friends-with-benefits relationship, pick a friend who is available—whether that means they’re single or in an open relationship. Avoid choosing anyone you think might catch feelings for you, or vice versa. If possible, choose someone who’s already had experience with casual hookups. Flirt with the person and see how they respond. If they seem into it, let them know that you’re interested in having some no-strings-attached fun with them. If they’re okay with having an FWB relationship, have an honest chat about your boundaries and expectations. For example, you might make it a rule that you’ll only hook up a certain number of times per week so you don’t start to get too attached. Have fun together, but keep communicating about how things are going so there are no hurt feelings or misunderstandings. For more tips, including how to flirt with a friend to show you want to get intimate, read on!

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